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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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*triggering* Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 08:21

Drink in womanandproud 's words Mama ...remember what she's said to keep you strong!
And those of all the other brave women that have posted on your thread sharing their stories to give you validation and support.

It won't be long now love Brew Cake

Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 18/11/2018 08:22

So glad to here about your mum coming over pudding

you’re doing so brilliantly- your mum will be here soon too. You’ve got this.

RedDeadRoach · 18/11/2018 08:22

Such incredible strength to tell your mum what happened as well. I didn't tell anyone for years.

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 08:23

The whole time I was thinking I want my mummy.

I’am 30 and she didn’t raise me. It’s the only time in my life i’ve Desperately wanted her.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 18/11/2018 08:24

I’m so sorry this has happened to you op, I think I would just ask him to leave. If he makes a scene just tell him you will call the police.

I would just say it’s not working out, you’ve only been together 4 months that’s nothing! Are you worried about his reaction?

AuLoinSontVontLesNuages · 18/11/2018 08:25

OP - I’m adding you to my mental list of all the amazing strong whose lives I’ve read part of on Mumsnet.

So many things I like to say to you right now - but foremost - you did no wrong - you have no blame to carry - and you deserve love and respect.

I hope that while you wait for your mum that your kitchen is warm and that the air is filled with the smell of your pain au chocolat - et nd that you are wearing the comfiest socks you own.

It’s okay not to be okay - it’s okay to want your mum.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Flowers
HottestChoc · 18/11/2018 08:25

Does he live with you or does he have his own place? You've been dating for 4 months so he's not exactly a partner yet surely? Assume he has somewhere to go now not that it's your problem.

Just ask him to leave, change the locks if he has a key and consider some counselling if that might help.

onefootinthegrave · 18/11/2018 08:27

OP, I have been in your situation, a few other people have said the same and I bet there's more reading this that have too.

It is rape, just because you didn't say no or fight back, you were asleep. By legal definition, he raped you.

When I was younger and 13 weeks pregnant with my son I was staying with a friend and woke up to find her partner doing something to me. All I could think of was, what if he hurts me and I lose the baby? Also, I was sleeping in the bottom bunk and his own daughter was in the top. I don't want to go into detail, too upsetting for me, for others reading and possibly outing.

The next morning I got up and got ready to leave for work, he acted like normal, he thought I was asleep and never knew. It was awful.

8 years later I meet someone else and confide in him what happened. I woke up one night to find him raping me, and this time I did say 'what the fuck are you doing?' A different response, but it was still rape.

I never reported the first one. The second one I did. I now work for an organisation that helps rape victims get justice, if that's what they want.

For you now, the most important thing is to remember that no matter what others may have written on here, it did happen, he's in the wrong and you froze - not your fault. Whether you go to the police or not is completely your decision. For today, you just need to find a way to get him to go - only you know your circumstances and what will work. Some have already made good suggestions.

I know you're shocked that someone you thought was so wonderful has done the unthinkable. That's how they trap us - by being so great at the beginning. None of this is your fault, now you just have to find a way to deal with it.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 08:28

They've been living together 4 mths

Biancadelriosback · 18/11/2018 08:30

Before you kick his arse out (or after!) and he is asking why, begging you not to etc, look him dead in the eye and just say "I was awake, we both know what you did" and leave it at that. Don't give him the opportunity to try and come up with excuses. Don't engage in a conversation about it, don't give him a chance.

FitzChivalryFarseer · 18/11/2018 08:32

Keith waking a partner up with kisses and cuddles, caresses and affection is fine. Gives them an opportunity to consent. Just sticking your penis in them while they are asleep - how is that consensual? Surely that is the very definition of rape? You may need to reevaluate your own boundaries if they are so weak that you think this is a good way to behave.

Stay strong and safe, Pudding

morningconstitutional2017 · 18/11/2018 08:32

It is rape if he didn't get consent, caressing is one thing but entry quite another. Anal is never right without explicit consent. Your body isn't there to be used. Sympathies for you OP.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 08:34

Hang on in there mama she's nearly with you, and we're here with you till then.

Your bf would happily take his DC back to be out of the way of this, he would not want his DC around that scumbag that's for sure.
You will get time with your DM and the two of you will be a powerful force I don't doubt!!

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 08:38

The kids are asking where he is as he’d usually be up by now.

OP posts:
Buggeritimgettingup · 18/11/2018 08:40

Nearly there OP, I've been in your shoes, I also froze it took me a week to realise and get my head around what happened. Talk to your mum, of its safe to lock him out when he leaves do it, you owe him nothing

Bigboxzoe · 18/11/2018 08:40

He knows he’s done wrong, that’s why he’s laying low. What a pig. Hugs to you OP

Shriek · 18/11/2018 08:41

Oh they won't take much notice of the time, not with a film on anyway!

Just try to have some hot tea and something to eat if you can

Girlsnightin · 18/11/2018 08:41

You are doing great OP.

I believe you were raped. Be string for yourself and your children. Do what is best for you and them.

Chances are, if you don't things will escalate.

You have the strength of the mumsey army behind you Flowers

Girlsnightin · 18/11/2018 08:42

Ffs. Auto correct.

Coco2891 · 18/11/2018 08:43

I don't know why you won't tell him to leave ? He's raped you and you're going to have him there for another 24hrs? I hope your mother walks in and chucks him out

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 08:44

He’s up. Acting normal, pulled me onto the bed for a cuddle. I just kept talking.

Did it happen? Does he not realise? Am I wrong?

In the shower now.

OP posts:
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 08:45

Because if I wait, I can do it clean. I can find all of his stuff, pack it all and leave no trace. I can’t do that if I ask him to leave now.

OP posts:
Coco2891 · 18/11/2018 08:46

Wtf? Tell him quietly that if he doesn't pack his shot and get out of your house you'll phone the police

Coco2891 · 18/11/2018 08:47

I wouldn't have a man that's done that anywhere near my children

ListenLinda · 18/11/2018 08:47

OP i am so sorry. I hope that in the cold light of day you are feeling much stronger. Your mum will be with you soon, you are doing great.
Ignore the twats on this thread like solo. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the strength in the world while you get through this.

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