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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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*triggering* Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

OP posts:
slashlover · 18/11/2018 07:46

www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/

Why do we need this campaign?
Many people think they know how they or someone else would react if they were raped.
It’s often assumed that when a person is assaulted in this way they will (for example) scream or appear hysterical, and that they will fight back.

However, the truth is that nobody knows how they or anyone else will react, and although some people do respond in this way, it is very common for someone who is raped to respond quite differently to what we might expect. The way someone describes how they felt and what they did as an assault took place might surprise you and appear to be the opposite of what you thought. Many survivors describe freezing and feeling unable to move to escape, or to cry out or fight back, and this response is just as normal and natural as any other.

Rape is a traumatic event, and the way we react to trauma is not something that is controlled by the logical part of our brains: it’s an instinctive response, which happens when a more primitive part of the brain (the amygdala) takes over when we become aware that something exceptional or dangerous is happening. In a situation like this, the brain automatically goes into survival mode. When this happens, blood and oxygen are diverted to the muscles, and the body is flooded with adrenalin: it’s a process rooted in human evolution, and is something that happens quickly and over which we have no control.

There are three possible survival responses to a traumatic event like rape: fight, flight, or the one that often does not occur to people: freeze. Freezing is probably the survival response with which people are least familiar, and when we think about a scenario involving rape, thoughts of running away (‘flight’) or of fighting back can spring much more readily to mind than the idea of being unable to move or do anything at all. However, in our experience at rape crisis, freezing can be one of the most common reactions during a rape.
Why do we need to know this?
Survivors often fear being judged for their behaviour if they were unable to fight back during a rape. This is something that can stop them coming forward to disclose what has happened to friends or family or to someone else who might be able to offer support. They can also worry about being judged in court and this is something that can make them hesitate, delay or even prevent them altogether from reporting the assault to the police. These fears can be a real barrier to survivors’ chances of receiving support or justice after rape, and it’s important that we do everything we can to understand and overcome them.
The brain’s survival mode can also interfere with the way it processes memory, which means that a survivor may not be able to remember everything that happened and can only recollect fragments of the incident or circumstances. This may change over time, but this response too, is a natural consequence of the way we react to trauma and is in no way an indication that a survivor is not telling the truth. The fear that it might be perceived in that way is, however, something else that can prevent survivors of rape from disclosing or reporting what has happened.
It is very common for survivors, if they do decide to report to the police (many do not) to delay doing so – often for weeks and months, and sometimes for years. Reporting rates in Scotland have seen some improvements in recent years. However the figures recorded by rape crisis centres in Scotland still show very low rates of reporting. In 2015-16 only 51.25% of survivors in touch with rape crisis in Scotland had reported their experience to the police.
Remember: there is no right response to rape, and if we want to give survivors the best possible support, and to help them to have proper access to justice, we need to put facts about how trauma can affect the brain after a devastating event like rape before any preconceptions we might have.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 18/11/2018 07:46

Reported

SparklyMagpie · 18/11/2018 07:47

I am absolutely fucking disgusted!

And as someone who was raped at a young age and couldn't move or scream let alone anything else, I can't believe the comments I'm reading

Feel sick

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 18/11/2018 07:47

Ohsolomio; that is

Shriek · 18/11/2018 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Loopy3585 · 18/11/2018 07:48

So because it’s someones Partner they can’t be raped? Rape doesn’t have to be from someone you don’t know or someone your not in a relationship with! Just because the OP’s experience wasn’t the same as yours doesn’t mean that it wasn’t still rape! And if anyone sounds like a troll it’s you, if you had truly been through something so horrific twice then you wouldn’t be attacking someone else just because they didn’t react in the same way as you! You’d understand the hurt and fear that they are going through!

itsnowthewaitinggame · 18/11/2018 07:49

Could you ask your Mum to come now? God if this was a message from my DD I'd be there in a second. Your DM could help out with your child while you went back to bed with a 'headache'. I think pretending to be ill may just get you though the day if that's what you're choosing to do. You then don't need to go for lunch or pretend everything's OK. However, this man has so clearly stepped over the line that I'd honestly imagine you may not be safe tonight. There's no need to make a huge drama as I understand not wanting to upset children. You can tell him you're feeling unwell and so could he leave early please as you're not up for lunch. I am so sorry this has happened to you

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 07:49

Because it hurt!!!

I cried out in pain. I still couldn’t actually speak. I know alright, I know I should’ve said something, acknowledged what was happening.

But I didn’t even know there was a question there to say no to.

OP posts:
MrsJane · 18/11/2018 07:50

MNHQ, you need to get Ohsolomio off this thread. Their comments are disgusting and potentially damaging to the OP.

OP, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Sending you a load of strength to help get you through the next few hours. Please keep us posted and let us know you’re ok.

MummatoaMunchkin · 18/11/2018 07:50

Op i feel for you this is horrendous! I have no advice but i read your thread and felt strongly for you. There was no consent it was rape, regardless of the circumstances.

Ignore the poster who is laying into you, the more attention we give them the worse they are being, nasty horrible person they are.

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsJane · 18/11/2018 07:51

@Puddingmama2017 don’t engage. You don’t need to answer their questions/accusations. Flowers

Montypontypine · 18/11/2018 07:51

OP please ignore ohsolomio. They are talking rubbish.

You don't have to explain yourself in any way, you just look after yourself please.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 18/11/2018 07:52

If you can't get your mum over sooner; definitely don't cancel lunch. At least you can all get dressed and out of the house ; even if you don't eat out.
I would just telephone your mum. She can come over with her bloke; even better to have a second person.

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 07:53

My mum’s not answering.

I’m on my own for the moment.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 07:54

Your DM already knows, and you asked her not to come out in the night, but she's not going to be sleeping now, knowing as she does, what's happened. She wanted to come over in the night..call her, you need her, let her help you and the DC now. You shouldn't be alone with the ......

JustHavinABreak · 18/11/2018 07:55

@Ohsolomio your rapist took so much from you, including lack your sense of empathy and kindness it would seem. If you were believed then great. If you weren't, then all the more reason, not to do the same to another woman. You should be ashamed. Not all rapes are the same. Not all rapists are the same. Not all survivors of rape are the same. That's why this horrible crime came spread so easily. It's many many forms can creep into women's lives and it's not just a stranger down a dark alley way late at night.

OP I believe you and I will have my phone at hand until he goes to work tomorrow and you can get rid of him. Thinking of you x

Shriek · 18/11/2018 07:55

I'm sure your DM will be trying to call, knowing what you've told us

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 18/11/2018 07:56

Your not alone, we're all here to support you however you need us too.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 18/11/2018 07:57

Thread for reporting to Mumsnet out of hours

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_night_watch/3426931-abiu-was-i-raped-thread

Shriek · 18/11/2018 07:58

Posts are being deleted

wtf2015 · 18/11/2018 07:58

You can contact your local Sarc. They will offer support and take swabs. They are open 24 hours and you can self refer.

MemoryOfSleep · 18/11/2018 08:00

Agree with other posters saying don't feed the troll, by which I mean solo.

Hang in there, OP. You're doing so well. Maybe take the kids out now? For a walk?

Shriek · 18/11/2018 08:00

How many DC do you have to manage today, is it just your DD and your 18mth DS?

Shriek · 18/11/2018 08:02

Yes, I meant to say about sarc, you still wouldn't have to do police report, and I know there wasn't any evidence to gather, but its there as another option for you