Advice about in-laws and babysitting

[SilverBirchTree]

My in-laws love my one year old very much and he loves them. They are incredibly loving and fun with him.

However- As often as not a visit with them will involve MIL doing something I feel is a bit dangerous or unhygienic with my son. But I am a worrier by nature and it’s hard for me to judge whether my expectations are normal.

For example, in the last two weeks:

She wiped his face and hands with a soiled dish cloth she found in our sink. I’d used it to wipe up raw egg and kitchen spray earlier in the day. She didn’t seem to understand why I asked her to use his baby wipes instead.

On another occasion my son had a wooden xylophone stick in his mouth. She picked him up and play wrestled with him, rolling him around on the floor while was holding the stick in his month. She didn’t seem to understand why I interrupted and took the stick away.

My son has started thrashing around and standing up when his nappy is changed. We change him on a changing table with a seat belt style strap or on a soft mat on the floor so he doesn’t fall or smack his head. She tried to change him on our stone kitchen bench (high off the ground and right next to a ceramic vase, a wine bottle etc). My husband asked her not to.

This is just the last two weeks, but it’s been like this since he was born. I know none of these actions are outrageously negligent. I know lots of parents are more relaxed than I am. But I feel like I’ve spent the last year asking her to be more careful about safety, and she doesn’t take 90% of my concerns on board.

I’ve just returned to work and my mother has offered to watch him one day a week. We have hired a wonderfully qualified nanny for the other days. We did not ask my In laws to babysit purely because MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on safety issues.

It was launched world war three. For days now my in-laws have called DH crying and shouting. They’ve literally said that not being invited to babysit is the worst, most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to them. They say they don’t think they can forgive us and that we have fractured the family. We visited them to try and make peace but they continued to attack, shout, insult and cry. They were incredibly hostile towards me in front of my child. They obviously blame me for all of it although my husband and I are in agreement.

If you read this far thank you.

Basically AIBU about this safety stuff? Any advice for me about childcare in this situation? I hate conflict and I am just stunned by the extremity of their reaction and don’t know what to say or do. We are devastated by this rift, and just so overwhelmed.

What a ramble... sorry. Any advice would be amazing.

The flowers and note thing...I suggest this not because I think the OP has any grovelling to do but because when people behave so out of proportion and abnormally it can be helpful to be the epitome of normal and rational. And know you have done this.

The OP admits she let them think they would be childminding for too long...so apology, typical apology gift (flowers or chocs) then STOP. That’s it. The gift is a clear physical symbol that it’s DONE. This is the apology, no more discussion to be had.

So not admitting fault but also making it clear that we're keeping the door open to reconciliation. So if they do go NC with us, it's their choice alone and we did everything we could to prevent it.

Exactly right OP. As long as you really mean it -let them go. And by “everything we could” limit to everything reasonable. Note, apology, token gift and done. Nothing more is necessary.

OP - you sound lovely. But to be honest, I think you’ve been too indulgent of your in laws. They sound self centred and bullying. Shouting at you in front of your child is absolutely not okay. If you do send a note (I really, really wouldn’t send flowers) I would make it clear that you’re happy to talk when they’ve calmed down but do not let them believe there’s a chance of changing their mind. Counselling is a good idea - and if there’s serious about wanting a relationship (not just wanting their own way) they should be open to it.

You do sound lovely OP, and like you have tried very hard to include them and ensure that they get to see their GC regularly. I'm sure there are many lonely and estranged GPs who would give anything for a DIL like you.

To me the nappy change on a worktop where risk of falling on to a hard floor exists is the real red flag. The dish cloth though not pleasant wouldn’t have me raging. Their behaviour since though is extraordinary. They clearly will not accept any fault. I would not send any gift - totally the wrong message to them whatever your intentions. I also would not put anything in writing that I wasn’t prepared to have overly scrutinised and misinterpreted. Sending your DH and DS over to theirs without you could also undermine your position with them. If you can front it out I would and if they start crying etc then you all just leave. Get your DH to back you this time if they say anything untoward to or about you. Alternatively just have them over to yours where you have the territorial advantage (although hard to make them leave if they start playing up). Ultimately contact with your DC whilst too young for them to make their own decisions should be on your terms irrespective of the wishes of others. As an aside, we used nurseries for our DC as grandparents did not want to have regular childcare responsibilities so I’m actually rather envious of those who have GPs fighting to help out LOL!

OP you wouldn’t put your DS in a paid for childcare setting which played so fast and loose with health and safety, so the same standards should also apply in an unpaid setting. Just because the PIL are in their eyes doing you a favour, and just because they’re family, does not give them the right to disregard your wishes and put your DS at risk. The things you’ve described are disgusting and dangerous. YADNBU.

I wouldn’t send flowers, it looks like an admission of guilt. I wouldn’t say sorry either. I’d send a card saying it’s a shame it’s come to this, you want them to be part of DS’s life and you hope that you can all reconcile and move on from this.

You obviously know what exactly has gone on here OP as well as knowing what your PILs are like overall, none of us do. People will project their own relationship with their PILs in their response to you which I would keep in mind.

The fact that you even considered sending a note and flowers tells me that they probably aren't as bad as being made out here and that you feel some sense of guilt.

Obviously nobody will agree with that but that's what I think might be the case.

I have the same issue and it sucks but my PIL are simply too blasé about my children's safety.

My FIL once asked if he could take my then 3 year old around a small fete thing we were at - he lost her and the people that found her spent a few minutes trying to find who she belonged to, in all this time he didn't even realise that she was gone. Then no apology or anything when he caught up with us (I looked across the area to see people heading to the entry/exit with her and bolted after them to get her when I saw).

Another time my MIL was getting her off the top of an esky which she had climbed up on which was right on the edge of the trailer that we were in because they use it for camping and we were visiting them where they were camping at a local swap meet, I went to get her but MIL did too so I sat back to give her a chance then just as she went to grab her FIL whistles out to her (like you would a dog) because he wanted something, MIL simply turned around and left her there.

So many more examples, I could go on all day lol. As much as it sucks to be in this position I know I can live with pissing off my inlaws, I cannot love with them hurting my child and knowing that I gave them the opportunity to do it so I just don't give them the chance anymore.

Once the kids are bigger you can relax a bit more and give them a bit more free reign. YANBU.

Their behaviour at your choice of who babysits your child tells you all you need to know. Totally toxic and outrageous.

I think that the safety incidents were deliberate to provoke you passive aggressively. But it's backfired on them. Keep well away from these people - they will destroy your family life. Your DH needs to be on board.

It is 100% your decision, 100% your child. Thye dont need an explanation from you - they should respect your choice unquestioned.

Sending flowers to people who ranted at you and told you you'd ruined their family?

Why????

I agree you have been too nice. You have facilitated this grandparent relationship in every way, far more than most people would do- and that would and will still be lovely in terms of them developing a relationship. But- you both (husband and you) agree no childcare without you there. Even if they are upset/distraught, they should moan about this at home, and to you, continue to be polite and happy to be part of your little family. I would be upset if someone told me my care wasn't good enough, but I wouldn't rant at them for hours!

I would have a break from them, you've been running round after them all the time- you don't need to agree parties/other decisions with them, just get on with parenting. They will see they have to behave better to have a relationship with you and your child and will either do that or not. If they have form for estrangement then it may go that way. That's not your fault.

Basically they've turned on you. I don't see how you can carry on the same now you know that's going to be the punishment if you do things they disagree with- which will increasingly happen as your child grows.

You and your husband are on the same page, which is great.

Sending you a hug OP. I’ve been there. The truth is, it isn’t very difficult as a grandparent to agree to comply happily with a son and and DDILs eminently reasonable requests for safe care of a baby. You just do it. If you are incapable or unwilling there are likely to be consequences.
As for all the screaming and tantruming, try to ride the storm whilst sticking to your guns and stop apologising. My ILs did eventually calm down because they realised that if they wanted to develop a relationship with their DGCs they needed to respect us. Sadly I had to put an end to regular babysitting at one point because DMIL was smacking DD. DS told me about it once he could talk! My DC are grown up now, late teens and early twenties. They have a reasonably good relationship with the ILs in spite of us putting our foot down over their attitudes and behaviour at certain junctures over the years. But the ball was in their court....respect our wishes and no amount of frothing at the mouth and sabre rattling was going to change that. Best of luck, OP. You haven’t done anything wrong.

I really hate the whole attitude that if GPs provide childcare they can pull all sorts of harmful and dangerous shit and you just have to smile and be grateful.

My mil does stuff like this and she says I am over protective. No, I am just more hygienic than her! My boy was 2 months premature and we didn't let anyone hold him other than me, dad and the neonatal nurses (obviously) but she throw a hissy fit in the special care unit saying that she's his nana and babies need germs! Really! He was 2 months premature and had a wee cold on top of that! I hate and especially mils think they have some right to tell the mother that what their doing and how they like things done is wrong! He's MY fucking baby back off!

Op all of your suggestions for mending the rift are completely reasonable but I dont think your going to get anywhere with these people. I have a family member exactly like this. When everything is going there way they are fine, when its not its hell. The same thing happened to me. I didnt think my child was safe with them for very valid reasons and relative blew up. I was told I was being cut out of the will, that I wasnt to step foot into her house, she never wanted to see me again etc. In the end it took time and doing things my way but never letting her know. Her problem was being told. If I did things my way or took my child off her when I thought things were getting dangerous but never told her it was because of her she took it better. So for instance not blaming her for using the dirty dishcloth but explaining why I only used wipes or just removing xylaphone stick and letting them get on with it. Its not ideal I know. I also wont ever leave my children alone with her but shes come to accept that. She never asks why and I never tell her. I relied on her wanting to see her grandkids enough to tolerate the rules and she did. I really hope your pils come around too.

Sorry! I didnt mean for that to be such an essay!

Just to elaborate a bit on my previous post- my reasoning for the flowers and card:

It's clear to me that they aren't capable of seeing their role in this. They aren't going to be sorry. I have to let that go and forgive them on my own.

But- I would rather us all get along, than have a family falling out over principle or my hurt feelings. But I'm going to have to be the adult, they aren't up to it.

I feel like I need to give them as much of what they want as possible- while not giving in on the one thing in this that I cannot budge on- the safety of my child. So no, they cannot babysit. Probably ever now. And that is incredibly hurtful to them. I need to find a way to help them overcome that.

So if giving up things that aren't as important to me: (ie proving I'm right, the cost of a bunch of flowers, the apology i believe I am owed) if I let that go, then we have a better chance of achieving what i want overall. A safe baby, a peaceful family.

Anyway that's my reasoning. I just think I need to map out the path to reconciliation because PiL are not capable of it.

If anyone has any ideas for the wording of the card, I'd be really grateful.

I really appreciate everyones advice and the people sharing their own experiences. It helps to know we aren't alone. It's just been so hideous and stressful

I really don’t think that any of the concerns you raised are ‘newfangled’ parenting concerns at all. They’re just common sense safety & hygiene points. My mother brought up 5 kids in the 70s-80s and whils she wasn’t an overly cautious parent, in some ways she & her friends were far more pernickety over things like tea towels ( no using them for drying your hands!) and odd rules about ‘airing’ clothes and not running with anything in your hand.

@GreatDuckCookery I do feel guilty that we didn't sit down with them months ago and explain our plan for childcare.

I feel guilty that when he was a newborn, I let them do whatever they wanted with him even though it made me sick to my stomach sometimes, because I was insecure as a new mum and deferred to their experience. I allowed them to feel in control and that is why now, when I am taking some control away, they are feeling a sense of deprivation.

They are not evil people, you're right. But they have gone beyond any reasonable standard of behaviour this week. I can forgive it, but in this moment, it is hard.

I need to find a way to help them overcome that.

But they will probably never overcome that. They are not reasonable, so you should not expect them to react reasonably. They won't think OK, we'll let this one go as OP is nice and sends us flowers.

I feel guilty that when he was a newborn, I let them do whatever they wanted with him even though it made me sick to my stomach sometimes

What sort of things did they do? I'm struggling to understand how you can in your first post say how wonderful they are as grandparents and how much your DS loves them if they've been so awful from the start.

@numberseven I'm not hoping for that much. But the narrative they are telling themselves is 'OP is trying to cut us off, she hates us, she wants to break our family and keep GC to herself, ruin our lives.', and I'm hoping having a bunch of flowers on their countertop saying 'I'm sorry you feel hurt. I want us to reconcile. Please come to counselling with us.' Is good evidence that I'm not that person, and the ball is in their court.

Well if they do that while you are there,what would they do if you where at work and they where minding your lo.

My gs is 7 weeks old,and i minded him yesterday.To give my son and gf a break.I done what they asked.Its up to them to raise their son,and i just do what im told.Which im happy to do.

No flowers,letter to them.If they want to have a tantrum,let them.Dont give them the space in your head.They are not worth it.

"I feel like I need to give them as much of what they want as possible- while not giving in on the one thing in this that I cannot budge on- the safety of my child. So no, they cannot babysit. Probably ever now. And that is incredibly hurtful to them. I need to find a way to help them overcome that".

No, its not your job at all to do that at all re your last sentence. How could you at all help them with that task anyway?. Its impossible and again you are applying "normal" rules of familial relations to people who are inherent unreasonable and unyielding. Its their way or no way as far as they are concerned, they are that immovable.

If anyone has a right to feel hurt here it is you, not they. They do not feel hurt at all, they are pissed that you have not done as you are told. They caused all this to happen by their actions. They have thrown their toys out of the pram here because you have not rolled over and give into their incessant demands.

Ok OP those things aren't good I agree.