Advice about in-laws and babysitting

[SilverBirchTree]

My in-laws love my one year old very much and he loves them. They are incredibly loving and fun with him.

However- As often as not a visit with them will involve MIL doing something I feel is a bit dangerous or unhygienic with my son. But I am a worrier by nature and it’s hard for me to judge whether my expectations are normal.

For example, in the last two weeks:

She wiped his face and hands with a soiled dish cloth she found in our sink. I’d used it to wipe up raw egg and kitchen spray earlier in the day. She didn’t seem to understand why I asked her to use his baby wipes instead.

On another occasion my son had a wooden xylophone stick in his mouth. She picked him up and play wrestled with him, rolling him around on the floor while was holding the stick in his month. She didn’t seem to understand why I interrupted and took the stick away.

My son has started thrashing around and standing up when his nappy is changed. We change him on a changing table with a seat belt style strap or on a soft mat on the floor so he doesn’t fall or smack his head. She tried to change him on our stone kitchen bench (high off the ground and right next to a ceramic vase, a wine bottle etc). My husband asked her not to.

This is just the last two weeks, but it’s been like this since he was born. I know none of these actions are outrageously negligent. I know lots of parents are more relaxed than I am. But I feel like I’ve spent the last year asking her to be more careful about safety, and she doesn’t take 90% of my concerns on board.

I’ve just returned to work and my mother has offered to watch him one day a week. We have hired a wonderfully qualified nanny for the other days. We did not ask my In laws to babysit purely because MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on safety issues.

It was launched world war three. For days now my in-laws have called DH crying and shouting. They’ve literally said that not being invited to babysit is the worst, most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to them. They say they don’t think they can forgive us and that we have fractured the family. We visited them to try and make peace but they continued to attack, shout, insult and cry. They were incredibly hostile towards me in front of my child. They obviously blame me for all of it although my husband and I are in agreement.

If you read this far thank you.

Basically AIBU about this safety stuff? Any advice for me about childcare in this situation? I hate conflict and I am just stunned by the extremity of their reaction and don’t know what to say or do. We are devastated by this rift, and just so overwhelmed.

What a ramble... sorry. Any advice would be amazing.

An don't send them flowers, that looks like an apology.

TwistedSwitch if the relationship breaks down between the OP and her inlaws she runs the risk of them pulling away completely which will be damaging for her child in the long run.

But the alternative is giving in to demands that OP doesn't think are in the best interests of her child. I don't think that GPs who demand complete capitulation under threat of cutting you off (which they appear to do regularly to others) are a healthy influence either.

No fucking way would I be send flowers and chocolates a note to these idiots!!
Why, just why would you reward their off the wall behaviour!? If you do that your immediately giving them reason to believe they've been wronged.

They have ignored you as baby's mother, blamed you for the demise of the family,
refused to look at you....they'd be getting fuck all apart from a giant cactus to stick up their backside from me!!

The safety stuff is important, the dishcloth thing was disgusting- both to use it to clean up raw egg and then to leave it at the sink (why?) but equally, even without the egg I'd never think to use a dishcloth to wipe a baby! I can't understand why she did that.

Believe me when I say ILs doing childcare for your child whilst so obviously disrespecting you is thoroughly damaging for both yourself and your child. It's not a healthy dynamic and I can only say avoid it completely.

I would not allow my son to go to their home while you sit at home alone. If they want to see him they should meet you all as a family somewhere out the house or come to yours where they treat you with respect and ask where things are (wipes, changing table etc).

Really though, them acting like raving loons would burn their bridges with me and I would not allow them in my life anymore. They have shown you the type of people they are.

Which safety issues do you think the op is being OTT about?

Flowers & a note?

Why?

You've been there today & tried to "play nice" & they're not interested!

I think that they're lucky that you're bothering with them at all & if they were friends you probably wouldn't be.

All this drama because you've disagreed with them over something to do with your son.

I agree that you should be stepping right back about what you tell them/involve them in.

Was more thinking flowers and a note like Pp suggested saying 'we're sorry you feel hurt. We hope we can talk this through when you're ready.'

So not admitting fault but also making it clear that we're keeping the door open to reconciliation. So if they do go NC with us, it's their choice alone and we did everything we could to prevent it.

But take PPs points that it could be seen as grovelling or giving in.

I think the flowers are OK as long as the note that accompanies them makes it very clear that you are sorry that they are upset but does not suggest that your childcare arrangements are going to change.

Incidentally, I always get annoyed when people say that there can't be anything wrong as the OP's DH turned out OK. This is called 'survivorship bias' and it doesn't mean that they didn't indulge in risky behaviours which could have easily caused harm to DH.

My DH said that we would like to try relationship counseling with them, since we didn't seem to be communicating effectively, and that we were leaving. My DH will visit them next week with our son but I think I'll stay home. I completely understand their hurt but I am not their emotional punching bag either.

So they still get access to their GC? No consequence there then.

They won't go to counselling (not really surprised) but if they won't listen to their son and they carry on the way they have, I think your DH should visit on his own.

But they know that already-you told them today!

Stop appeasing them!!

They've behaved appallingly. Either they'll realise and apologize, or they won't, but you need to back away.

I would make sure you were there OP. If your MIL is anything like my mom she will go out of her way to do things that she knows you wouldn't consider safe just to 'prove' they aren't if your DS doesn't get hurt.

@GreatDuckCookery trying to answer your question. It's hard. A week ago I would have said my in-laws were well meaning but self focused, and not good at seeing other people's point of view.

I did not see this tantrum coming. I am feeling bullied and manipulated by it. It is in keeping with the way they've blown up other relationships with people who deviate from their world view in the past.

So toxic, I'm on the fence. But it's definitely ugly and stressful and not a vibe I want around my child.

No way in hell would I let my children be around people who shouted at and belittled me in front of them.

@diddl I did tell them. But they weren't ready to hear it. Maybe having it again in writing will help? I don't know. This whole thing is foreign to me. I am not in the habit of feuding with anyone and I just can't abide the tension. I have lost 3kg since Wednesday. I am having trouble sleeping. I just want it over.

No flowers. And only a note if it says "we are happy to talk this through again with both parties listening to the other".

Crying and yelling! How ridiculous. Do not give in to their blackmail.

Not flowers. Maybe a plant.
A triffid.

Personally I think anyone choosing to pay a nanny to look after a child when grand parents are offering must have more money than sense. Kids are starting to lose relationship with grandparents these days and often it is daughters in law not happy with their rules not being kept. The world is sinking under a heap of baby wipes. I assume the cloth was not dripping in raw egg but had been rinsed in hot soapy water? There is a school of thought that since we have become more obsessed with everything being sterile, kids are less resilient health-wise as have no antibodies built up. The most robust family I know who are never Ill, grew up on a farm eating pig food and playing in mud!
I left my kids a day a week with my parents and it was their rules. I guess though, if you cannot accept that then a nanny is best. For what it is worth I have never heard of a baby being strapped down for nappy change or a crash mat!!!!

"But they weren't ready to hear it."

They won't ever be though because they don't listen to anyone!

I mean really, they could think that you were asking them to do the most ridiculous things-but even then why wouldn't they?

For the sake of both you & their GC?

I m a nursery nurse. You are not being unreasonable about safety they are lax. You need to get DH to go and talk to them but only if he doesn’t wimp out and blame you.
When he is older you can perhaps let them babysit.

It will only be over when you both completely disengage with them.
You both at the very least need clear and consistently applied boundaries.

Do not put anything in writing either. A note, no matter how nicely put or carefully worded, will simply be used against you.

Thought you had come from a nice and most importantly, an emotionally healthy family. Your H clearly did not.

There is no reasoning with such people like his parents, this is who they really are. Other people do not bother with them either and there's good reason why that is.

@Nanny0gg I think withholding contact with GC will add gas to the fire. Also they are lovely with him (when they aren't yelling at his mother) so I don't think there is harm in them visiting with him. I just don't want them responsible for his care.

"Toxic" is a loaded word but their behaviour is certainly dysfunctional. It's manipulative and unpleasant. DH and I didn't think his parents were "that bad", but when we read Toxic Parents, we were amazed by how much of it rang true.

Anyway, the label isn't important. It's the effect of their behaviour and how you deal with it.

Don't send flowers!!!

They are NOT lovely with him if they yell at his mother. And I would not visit them either because they do that behaviour; they both denigrate you as parents and use their grandchild as a stick to beat you both with.

This is bloody hard for the likes of you, someone who has come from an emotionally healthy family herself to get her head around because you have never come across this before. Not all grandparents let alone relations are nice and you need to protect yourself and your child.

It is not your fault nor your H's that they are like this, neither of you made them that way.

@vdbfamily that's a totally valid POV. It's just not mine. You might look at a dish cloth and see a wealth of beneficial antibodies. I see my child in hospital with salmonella. Everyone does their best for their child based on their own values and priorities. I'm asking that care givers for my son respect my approach and adhere to it. They've repeatedly refused to do that or even make an effort to understand my POV.

OP Ihad missed a page of comments and it does sound as if they are a little unhinged and hard to work with and you do sound like you have tried and have stayed calm. I just would not share you safety concerns( other than play fighting with a child who has a stick in their mouth which is unbelievably stupid)