Not sure if I’ve been UR but either way, i feel a bit foolish and quite upset

[4men1lady]

Just to start, I am massively sleep deprived so my emotions are probably coming from lack of sleep.

Ds 4 is in nursery and is really well behaved which I am really pleased about. I have a really good relationship with all nursery staff and we often have a joke about how good ds is in comparison to how he is at home. Of course all children are different in their own environment. Ds is very highly strung and can throw the most horrendous tantrums. When I tell Nursery this, they never believe me and say the want proof, all light hearted.

Anyway, ds threw one of his almighty tantrums today, so as I do quite often, I videoed him as he likes to watch them back when he’s calmed down and we can laugh about it once I’ve explained that is not how he should act etc.

Any way, I uploaded the video on to parent zone for his key worker to see, still all very light hearted, I thought. I’ve told dh and he’s not impressed at all and says I shouldn’t have put it on as that’s not the child they see, and thinks they will look at him differently now.

And now I feel horrendous and think I’ve made a huge mistake and feel so bad for ds. For what it’s worth, I showed ds the video and told him I would show Nursery.

Please be gentle, I’ve been UR haven’t I.

puzzledlady Fri 16-Nov-18 23:26:26
You filmed your child's tantrum instead of calming him down - so you could watch it later and laugh about it - with hi key worker. The you uploaded it onto some server so its now on the internet???? What the fuck is wrong with you????

What on earth is wrong with you talking to someone like this? The OP is upset enough already.

Could well be personality, it’s possible he’s on the autism spectrum, but the behaviour you describe (wanting to ‘control’ his environment and being quite possessive over his belongings) is all quite normal in young kids. And tbh ASD would show up in any environment so nursery would very likely witness similar behaviour about routines and needing everything’just so.’

It’s a long while ago, but I remember my middle child having absolute screaming meltdowns because the carrot was the wrong side of the sausage on her plate- or similar such earth shattering events! And I know how hard it is with two others to deal with as well!

Maybe try not to overthink it all. Paying less attention to the tantrums while rewarding positive behaviour is likely to work better than mulling too much over the less desirable behaviour

It's hard. One of my children is very highly strung at home. Finds it very hard to compromise and finds it hard to do anything to anyone else's agenda apart from their own. In school - Completely complaint. I'm glad it's that way around tbh! I think it's just their way of having control in their life in the one are where they feel they have the power to do it. Also it's a positive he's able to let his feelings out as many of us keep them inside and they screw us up! Sounds like you're a verliving and kind parent. There's no instruction manual eh!

I know people do this but I don't see the purpose of filming tantrums etc. If you've been asked to by an ed psych/doctor that's reasonable, or even if you wanted to get support from the keyworker. You definitely shouldn't have to to 'prove' to your DP what you're doing during the day!

I don’t know if people on here are being intentionally nasty or just plain ignorant but a video was sent to a child’s nursery and not put all over the internet.

You sound really passive OP. Young kids need some guidance and help when they're emotional/upset. You can't just stand back and leave him to it. Have you thought about doing a parenting course?

I’m not passive, I just don’t have the time or energy to explain every aspect of my parenting. Pp are just repeating what’s already been said and some people like to make their own assumptions on some very little details.
I’ve got what I needed from the thread so I don’t see any need for further scrutiny or explanations.

Also tripping, did you not read the part where i said I let ds calm down before stepping in. I can’t reason with a screaming child.

@4men1lady stop worrying. My son is an angel at nursery and a fucking demon at times when no one else is looking. I've also videoed tantrums because no one believes me how different he can be. It's hard going dealing with that. I think the level of hate you are getting on here is fucking vile. Stop beating yourself up.

So much judgement from these people that claim to be perfect parents. Do fuck off.

Don’t think anyone is claiming to be a perfect parent. Agree there are one of two people who are just kicking the OP which is unpleasant.
Most people have agreed with the OP that filming the tantrum and sharing it was a misjudgement. Many people have offered calm, sensible advice. The OP is clearly struggling and needs support not further berating. I do think there are positive strategies around paying less attention to the tantrums, putting the phone away and not dissecting the behaviour afterwards while re playing it on screen.
OP I think you should put this to bed now- ask for the Thread to be deleted if you’ve got what you need and it’s upsetting you. Then put your phone away, stop worrying too much and enjoy your son; he sounds very normal, probably just at the more highly strung end of the whole personality spectrum, but clearly managing fine in social situations like nursery. If there were an underlying issue such as ASD it would be displayed in other contexts not just home. Hard though it is on you, it’s very normal for kids to let off steam when they’re in their comfort zone of home

There's another thread your DH may like. Sounds like he would enjoy being a cbeebies dad. Ie big baby

I read a great article recently that started along the lines of:
"Don't expect my 3 yo to behave like a 23 year old if something's wrong with his banana. It's all he has."
and went on to say that these things are so important to a small child as really it's all they have. They have so little control over their life generally that someone moving their toy set up or cutting up an apple the wrong way is a really big deal to them.

Discussing his filmed tantrums after the event isn't immediate enough for a child that age. The discussion needs to be at the point the tantrum ends.(Google Supernanny). It could also be sending the message that it's entertaining as you say you laugh over them with him. I'd also feel that it's invasive & voyeuristic to film issues like that unless it's required for MH team or GP reasons.

So op if you were highly distressed and screaming and crying would you want to be wondering if someone you love might be covertly filming you? Would you trust someone who behaved like that when you’re at your most vulnerable?
You seem to have accepted you shouldn’t have posted the video to the nursery but that’s not even the main issue here as your son is unlikely to know you’ve done that. He does know you sometimes film him tantrumming though as you watch the videos together. Laughing at the videos after in a ‘look what you looked like’ way is mean. He’s behaving in a completely age appropriate way and doesn’t deserve to be ridiculed. The next time he tantrums he’s got how ridiculous his mum thinks he looks to add to his distress along with whatever has caused the tantrum.

Oh the irony of the OP complaining that people are repeating a point - you filmed your son so you could repeat his tantrum to him and others!

I hope you have deleted the video and any others like that from your phone OP, and I hope the nursery do the same.

Why would you expect him to behave the same at home and at school? My mum used to taunt me with this all the time - 'If Mrs X could see how you behave at home, she'd be shocked!', and even accusing me of being a hypocrite for being well behaved at home! Whereas I thought home was where you could be yourself! Thank goodness she didn't have a smart phone, she'd have definitely used it.

I guess the bit that slightly bothers me is the idea that he may feel 'shamed'. A child that age hasn't got the control to think 'I'd better not have a tantrum, or mummy might video me and show the teachers'. Is something bothering him at nursery, if he's coming home frustrated and ready to flip into a tantrum?