Not sure if I’ve been UR but either way, i feel a bit foolish and quite upset

[4men1lady]

Just to start, I am massively sleep deprived so my emotions are probably coming from lack of sleep.

Ds 4 is in nursery and is really well behaved which I am really pleased about. I have a really good relationship with all nursery staff and we often have a joke about how good ds is in comparison to how he is at home. Of course all children are different in their own environment. Ds is very highly strung and can throw the most horrendous tantrums. When I tell Nursery this, they never believe me and say the want proof, all light hearted.

Anyway, ds threw one of his almighty tantrums today, so as I do quite often, I videoed him as he likes to watch them back when he’s calmed down and we can laugh about it once I’ve explained that is not how he should act etc.

Any way, I uploaded the video on to parent zone for his key worker to see, still all very light hearted, I thought. I’ve told dh and he’s not impressed at all and says I shouldn’t have put it on as that’s not the child they see, and thinks they will look at him differently now.

And now I feel horrendous and think I’ve made a huge mistake and feel so bad for ds. For what it’s worth, I showed ds the video and told him I would show Nursery.

Please be gentle, I’ve been UR haven’t I.

From an obverse point of view - my DS (with significant health probs) in nursery was very quiet , withdrawn and was tagged by them as not meeting targets. Until on a snow day, we picked up a nursery worker en route who was agog at our bi-lingual chatty child. If you are representing your child as best as you can, it'll work out.

I find it really odd that you film his tantrums and there's definitely something unpalatable about uploading it. Can other parents see it? I assume so as you called it parent zone.

I know children aren't adults but it's a bit like if your DH filmed you very upset about something and showed people.

How bad are the tantrums? How frequent? Is he violent?

Other parents can not see it. It’s in his own person gallery on his record.

Once he starts, there’s no calming him down at all so sometimes I’m best off letting him finish before calming him down.

Yep I get it, massive mis judgement.

It's unnecessary. I can understand your husband feeling this. He doesn't act that way at nursery- unless you're looking for a SEN diagnosis- there is no reason for the keyworker to see how he behaves at home, unless it's a concern. So I'm with husband. I don't see the need or why you'd film a child chucking a tanty, instead of stopping it. That seems odd to me. I'd rather not film a child and try to clam them down. You state you tape the meltdowns for him to watch after. Even if you say you're also trying to calm the situation, you're not trying 100% to do so. Stop looking for a camera and maybe juts deal with the situation?

^^ sorry to add - if filmed for a medical purpose, then i totally understand, but this was for some sort of odd video you later look back on, with someone else! God - social media really has got out of hand hasn't it - seem everything is up for filming these days, helpless children tantrums included.

Can you ask them to remove it?? Sorry OP - i just find this so unbelievable.

I think you're overthinking it. It's a secure online system and only his keyworker/people involved in his daily care will see it. You've already had a lighthearted convo with them about it so where they wanted the proof - it's not a random video.

A lot of kids have tantrums and many are well behaved at nursery and let go a bit at home. Don't stress about it and ignore the PP who are making it out like you've done a huge mistake. If it bothers you, ask the nursery staff to delete it after.

He can be quite violent, it’s a 7 second clip and the video doesn’t catch him throwing something at me.

He often shouts at his little brother, so what triggered it off was me explaining to him that his little brother wouldn’t play with him if he shouted at him and then cue massive tantrum.

Oh, op. It was a perfectly logical thing to do ("They don't believe my description of my son because there is no evidence. I will send them the evidence and then we will all be on the same page"), but people aren't logical and so will be berating you for having somehow betrayed your DS you haven't. It's fine. Don't worry.

If it's any consolation (albeit tangential) I was once told on a children's first aid course to video any seizures that might occur; sounds really strange but it is useful evidence for them and saves time in an emergency. So.... video evidence has its place in the world!

I do deal with the situation but sometimes i find taking a step back helps him calm down. Once he’s calmed down enough and quiet enough as he’s super super loud, then we’ll talk through what’s triggered it and explain from there what went wrong.

Just to add, the nursery staff will probably appreciate the video evidence!

I have a few recordings of DS2 throwing a mega snit as a baby. They are hilarious. He's always done good tantrum.

Oh stop being so fucking judgemental!
Either OP has had a minor lapse in judgement or she's tired and fed up and exasperated no one,including her husband understands that her kid can have some awful moments at times. It can be a really shitty place to be when everyone thinks you're joking or just fussing for the sake of it.

Whichever way ,it's not the end of the world.

It probably pisses him off being filmed when he's already upset and overwhelmed. Children don't have tantrums for fun, it's because they can't deal with their emotions, they're overwhelmed and need reassurance.

My mum used to make fun of me when I was having a tantrum (she says to distract me?) it only served to make me so infuriated that I couldn't breath and would almost be sick.

Just to repeat, I don’t film every tantrum and certainly not for the purpose of him watching. He just likes to look through my phones Vids and photos.

Oh fgs...calm him down? You don’t calm tantrumming kids down 🙄 they’re incapable of reasoning until they’ve stopped tantrumming of their own accord.
Some people here are being so unnecessarily bitchy to the OP. Ignore all the nasty comment. You’re obviously a lovely caring mum, or you wouldn’t be worried about this!

And in no way do I do it to make fun of him. We sometime both crack up laughing but this wasn’t one of those situations.

And also, he wasn’t aware he was being filmed at all.

My 4 year old still often has huge tantrums and I worry about it. She's just started school and both school and her old nursery says she is impeccably behaved there and don't believe how awful she often is at home. I wouldn't worry at all at what you've done. I wouldn't have minded my daughter's key worker talk to her about why she acts like it, she may have got more explanation than I can.

Where the hell does it say the nursery didn’t believe her?! Honestly, contessa you’re just making stuff up! The OP admits she did it in a lighthearted jokey way, not because there was an issue with the nursery not believing her.
Badly misjudged, but not the end of the world. Learn from it and move on

But how you can compare it with being advised to film seizures is unbelievable. I have a niece with epilepsy and her parents were given the same advice about filming because it can be difficult to accurately identify some types of seizure.

That’s massively different to filming your child throwing a tantrum ffs

Sorry OP I find it really odd that you film him unless you have a medical reason to. Does it not infuriate him further? I don't see why you need to show your OH either? why would he need to see it more than he has in person?

I think it makes plenty of sense for nursery staff to see what is happening at home. It's very common for children to mask at school only for the tantrums to come out at home, and they need to know about it, not least because it may be a result of the build-up of stresses whilst at nursery.

This thread has just reminded me that I was once stuck in a car with screaming furious Ds2 and also Ds1. I got tired of it and started recording his screams on my phone (just audio). I played it back and said "This is what you sound like" and he stopped immediately and was all interest Ds1 and I then recorded our own screams, for reference. A few days later DS2 was kicking off again and I played him his scream again and he bloody stopped worked for a while, that did!

I have heard of people filming behaviour when a child is seeking a medical diagnosis for a behavioural issue but otherwise I think filming tantrums is cruel tbh. The child is obviously going to know you’re filming him if he sees the videos on your phone. Do you honestly think filming him is going to help him calm down? It’s surely only going to make him sadder or angrier.
Imagine how you’d feel if you were extremely distressed or had totally lost it and someone started filming you.

In fact, for children with SEN it is often advised that parent should film this sort of behaviour as evidence for people like paediatricians, teachers and, potentially, the Special Educational Needs and Disability Tribunal.

How humiliating for your son.

And also, he wasn’t aware he was being filmed at all.

Since you said he's seen some videos of him tantrumming I'd probably guess that he is aware that you're filming him.

Anyway I'm not trying to get at you. If you're worried about his tantrums at all then seek professional help perhaps from his HV if you think they're extreme for his age.