Not sure if I’ve been UR but either way, i feel a bit foolish and quite upset

[4men1lady]

Just to start, I am massively sleep deprived so my emotions are probably coming from lack of sleep.

Ds 4 is in nursery and is really well behaved which I am really pleased about. I have a really good relationship with all nursery staff and we often have a joke about how good ds is in comparison to how he is at home. Of course all children are different in their own environment. Ds is very highly strung and can throw the most horrendous tantrums. When I tell Nursery this, they never believe me and say the want proof, all light hearted.

Anyway, ds threw one of his almighty tantrums today, so as I do quite often, I videoed him as he likes to watch them back when he’s calmed down and we can laugh about it once I’ve explained that is not how he should act etc.

Any way, I uploaded the video on to parent zone for his key worker to see, still all very light hearted, I thought. I’ve told dh and he’s not impressed at all and says I shouldn’t have put it on as that’s not the child they see, and thinks they will look at him differently now.

And now I feel horrendous and think I’ve made a huge mistake and feel so bad for ds. For what it’s worth, I showed ds the video and told him I would show Nursery.

Please be gentle, I’ve been UR haven’t I.

Don't feel too bad. Being a parent is a massive learning curve and you learn as you go. I remember when my son first started reception, the second the bell went he weed himself. I panicked and took him in the classroom and told the teacher I would pop home and get him some new trousers. It suddenly dawned on me half way home I'd left him in a classroom to be ridiculed. I felt so awful I cried all the way back. Everything was OK but I learnt from it. They may be tiny and completely unreasonable but they deserve the same respect we show others. That was your sons vulnerable moment and shouldn't have been for public consumption. Who cares if the keyworker doesn't believe you. The main thing is he knows how to act appropriately in public. You're his safe person he can let his emotions out with. Lesson learnt and big hugs. X

OP I've filmed my DDs tantrums before out of sheer disbelief and awe of the ferocity of them and also to show my DH, usually joking that she's possessed!

Sometimes you need a bit of light relief when you've had a difficult day and whilst awful at the time I found laughing about them afterwards (not in front of DD) helped me feel less stressed. With my DD attempting to reason with her and calm her whilst in fill tantrum mode did not work at all. Ignoring and withdrawing attention from her (whilst making sure she is not harming herself or others) worked best along with discussing it calmly afterwards. She's through the tantrum phase now but it was intense while it lasted.

I probably wouldn't have shared a video with a key worker myself but i think PPs are giving you a bit of a hard time over it. Don't wallow over this, it's not worth getting upset about.

I think most people are giving the OP a hard time because she shared them with her child. And shamed and ridiculed him. festering. I can’t see why she should need to share them with nursery, but that is not of any concern to me. However, showing a child when they are in a moment of complete vulnerability and lack of control is actually quite disturbing.

I don’t get this.

It wouldn’t occur to me to film dd when she is upset. How would you like someone to video you when you are in a raw emotional state and then laugh about it and share it round (like if your dp filmed you during a very heated argument about something you care deeply about)

What are you teaching him about his feelings? That they are entertainment? That he is silly to ever get upset? And that instead of comforting or calming him you’ll turn into his own version of a knobbish paparazzi?

I doubt his nursery workers will think less of him, he is supposed to have tantrums at this age. You however...they may look at differently.

Put.the.phone.down.

Posted too soon.

Dd has autism, she acts very differently at school then at home.

I’ve found that just asking for a meeting, describing the behaviour and discussing help she might need is all I’ve needed to do to ask for a sensory diet to be put in place. No video evidence was required.

I've copy and pasted this from raisingchildren.net.au/

'Tantrums are extremely common in toddlers and preschoolers. They’re how young children deal with difficult feelings. It helps to tune in to your child’s emotions, and to avoid situations that trigger your child’s tantrums.'

Instead of filming his tantrums maybe try to find out what is upsetting your ds. Help him identify and deal with his feelings. He is only four. He has four years of life experience which compared to us adults is a lot less. Also it is not until our early 20's that our brains are fully developed. He has learned so much and has so much more to learn in life. He is growing and developing so fast. No wonder he and other young children become overwhelmed and lose control of their emotions sometimes over the littlest things. Home is a nice safe place to unwind and be yourself. Children often behave differently at nursery because it is a different environment from home. They are dealing with having to socialize with all the other children some or many whom they like but also the children they don't like. Have you ever had someone in your workplace who gets on your nerves? It can be draining having to put up with them all day. And I bet you behave differently at work then you do at home. Home is where you can unwind, let off some steam, kick back, let it all hang out and be yourself without worrying about what other people think. It's the same for our kids except they've had less practice at managing their emotions then we have. We would have thrown our tantrums when we were young. It's so long ago we don't remember. Tantrums are part of growing up. Let him have them, when his tantrum is subsiding ask him if he would like a cuddle. He will grow out of them and with support he'll develop ways to handle his emotions better. Tantrums are not bad behaviour they are merely strong emotions and a child is not able to be in control of themselves while in the middle of a tantrum. Let him ride it out. I really don't think that you should be filming his tantrums because even though he laughs about it with you he may feel shame and embarrassment. Let him know that he's ok.

FWIW I have plenty of parenting failures that I have to learn from too. I ain't perfect and I have mummy guilt too. Try not to get bogged down by feeling bad about posting this video. Learn from it and move on.

Meh. It's done now. No harm don't. Just forget it and move on.

Try not to stress. Just ask nursery to delete it explain you are sleep deprived

People forget what the tantrums are like. Likewise they forget the misery of night feeds

Have you tried doing activities with your son after nursery to tire him out?

Some of the posts on here are ridiculously OTT and I hope you don't feel too bad OP. Most toddlers tantrum and it's a natural, normal stage of development for many children. Posters making out that you have somehow humiliated your son by capturing a tantrum seem to be attaching shame and other adult emotions and concepts to normal toddler behaviour.

Many toddlers are fascinated with watching videos of themselves and my daughter is fascinated by emotional reactions to situations e.g. if another child falls over and cries. I know it seems a bit strange from an adult perspective but I think it's just helps her to understand the spectrum of emotion and process her own feelings and emotions that arise in different situations. I would also think my DD would quite enjoy watching a video of herself tantrumming so can see where OP is coming from. Very young children are not the same as adults and have different sensitivities. As long as OP doesn't attempt to make her son feel bad or ashamed then you can't assume her son feels that way when watching back the videos. Her son might just be interested in seeing that aspect of the human experience.

That's been our experience here Bumpity!

Why are so many of you repeating the same bloody point? OP has said she knows she’s in the wrong, is there any need to keep berating her with the same fucking comments

Tantrums are developmental, and your DS probably does it with you because he feels safe to do so. It's the sign of a healthy relationship.

Some incredibly patronising responses here - I don't think the OP needs a lesson on why toddlers tantrum and how to manage them. She is sleep deprived and frustrated. I think Bumpity has said all the right things. Ignore the perfect parenting brigade and get the video taken down Monday am if it's bothering you. Get your husband to give you an hour or two by yourself this morning with a cup of tea and a book or Netflix to unwind and relax a bit. Sounds like you really need it. I bet you are a great mum x

Omg some of the comments here are ridiculous and beating down the OP who has stated many times she feels like she did wrong!! I would love to see all those posters completely perfect parenting techniques I am sure none of you have made a mistake. The Op is looking for support not to be beaten down, are you getting some kind of satisfaction doing so? Anyway OP, I can see where your train of thought went with this. Keyworkers are trained in children’s development and so by sharing the video you may find they have some useful tips for you AND may also be able to monitor him differently in the setting and see if there are any potential triggers. You’ve clearly done it from a place of caring, and for those technophobes on here who are clutching thier pearls at the OP for sharing a video online, parent zone is a secure network between nursery and parent and requires PIN access. So only the nursery key worker will see it.

I think it's just that people with older children do forget what the tantrum stage is like

Sounds normal to me also what child doesn't like looking at photos and videos!

I would have done the same. It was done with good intentions, has done no harm, and may have done good (helping the nursery understand your child better, and building the relationship between you as parents and the nursery). This wasn't a lapse, minor or otherwise. Be kinder on yourself!

Filming a child to show a medical professional to get help is completely different from filming a tantrum to prove to a nursery worker

Some pretty judgemental and unnecessarily harsh comments here, OP

I'm sure you are just trying to do your best. None of us are perfect and none of us have not made a bad judgement call in our lives.

However, I think one of the key things - now that you have acknowledged that it maybe wasn't the best idea to film it and then upload it, etc - is that there is a principle here which you might inadvertently use in a different context. Reviewing your DC's behaviour - whether filmed or not - and then laughing about it with him is NOT a good idea. You're turning an episode of bad behaviour which is best just forgotten, once dealt with, into an opportunity to then have some warm, Mum and child cuddly moments together. So DC will associate bad behaviour with subsequent love and attention! Be v careful of that.

In the meantime, ignore the nasties on here and enjoy your DC. I had a terrible tantrummer, they grow out of it, he's lovely now

OP you are getting a really rough ride here. I have to say I admire you for posting in AIBU and then genuinely listening to everyone’s answer that Yes, you were indeed being unreasonable. Good on you for listening and taking advice on how to rectify it.

That said, don’t beat yourself up. Every person here who is having a massive go at you cannot claim to be a perfect parent who doesn’t make mistakes. Granted they wouldn’t film their kids tantruming, but they’ve probably done something else they’re not proud of.

I would stop reading this thread too if you’re in a highly emotional sleep deprived state. Hugs for you, you know you made a mistake and that’s the end of it.

Oh for goodness sake, I can’t bear all these self righteous comments. I would have this thread moved to parenting instead of AIBU then you would hope for more empathetic and useful responses OP!
I used to film my DD age 4-5 having tantrums occasionally, she was articulate at that age and quite mature emotionally, it just tended to happen when she was overtired. The video was useful afterwards as she would laugh at how daft she looked. That’s not cruel IMO.
Now she is 8/9 and honestly is the Teachers pet but my goodness she can be dreadful at home sometimes. I made sure the teacher was aware of it at parents evening this week as it may be relevant since she’s had a new learning partner from the year above sitting next to her.
I do think children have to have somewhere they can let off steam/vent/ be naughty! It’s part of them developing their emotions and learning how to act socially.
I maybe wouldn’t have posted it to the nursery worker but I don’t think any harm is done. Forget it. I bet you’re a brilliant Mum who just needs some sleep

Kids behave differently in school and nursery settings. They usually misbehave where they feel safest. Back handed compliment of sorts.

I think it is odd in the sense that the nursery would care - I don’t mean that rudely but I’ve had hundreds of conversations with parents where they laugh about their quiet meek child described to them. Id find it odd if one of them tried to show me evidence of their child not being quiet and meek. I think take a step back and perhaps not be so insistent with nursery. He is a different child in the two settings. That’s perfectly normal. Let him be.

@Adnerb95
However, I think one of the key things - now that you have acknowledged that it maybe wasn't the best idea to film it and then upload it, etc - is that there is a principle here which you might inadvertently use in a different context. Reviewing your DC's behaviour - whether filmed or not - and then laughing about it with him is NOT a good idea. You're turning an episode of bad behaviour which is best just forgotten, once dealt with, into an opportunity to then have some warm, Mum and child cuddly moments together. So DC will associate bad behaviour with subsequent love and attention! Be v careful of that
Tantrums are not the same as "naughty behaviour". They are normal developmental behaviour and nothing to be ashamed of or punished.

I had s two year old who was violent. In a tantrum he split my lip gave me black eyes threw things kicked me
No one believed it. Health visitor wasn’t interested as ‘all children’ have tantrums etc

He’s 11 now. Turns out he Has Adhd and possibly autism
I wish I’d videoed one of his meltdowns - maybe someone would have offered some help/ intervention

I doubt if the staff have even watched the clip, videos of other people’s Kids are really dull. Dont think about this any further, it’s done, move on.