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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if I’ve been UR but either way, i feel a bit foolish and quite upset

141 replies

4men1lady · 16/11/2018 23:08

Just to start, I am massively sleep deprived so my emotions are probably coming from lack of sleep.

Ds 4 is in nursery and is really well behaved which I am really pleased about. I have a really good relationship with all nursery staff and we often have a joke about how good ds is in comparison to how he is at home. Of course all children are different in their own environment. Ds is very highly strung and can throw the most horrendous tantrums. When I tell Nursery this, they never believe me and say the want proof, all light hearted.

Anyway, ds threw one of his almighty tantrums today, so as I do quite often, I videoed him as he likes to watch them back when he’s calmed down and we can laugh about it once I’ve explained that is not how he should act etc.

Any way, I uploaded the video on to parent zone for his key worker to see, still all very light hearted, I thought. I’ve told dh and he’s not impressed at all and says I shouldn’t have put it on as that’s not the child they see, and thinks they will look at him differently now.

And now I feel horrendous and think I’ve made a huge mistake and feel so bad for ds. For what it’s worth, I showed ds the video and told him I would show Nursery.

Please be gentle, I’ve been UR haven’t I.

OP posts:
ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 16/11/2018 23:44

Momo I think you've misunderstood me and that I've possibly misunderstood the OP, for which I apologise.

The link in my head re filming seizures is that sometimes people are aghast at other people choosing to film a negative event, but that there can be a good reason for it. As I said, it's a bit tangential (clearly utterly fucking random to you) but that's how my brain works. It wasn't said with malicious intent.

Momo27 · 16/11/2018 23:45

(Sigh)
She wasn’t doing it for evidence. She admitted to doing it in a lighthearted jokey way. Which is unnecessary.

Original poster
4men1lady · 16/11/2018 23:45

Like I say he doesn’t know he’s been filmed which is quite easy to be discrete about.
I don’t go out of my way to show dh either really, once a week or maybe two weeks we’ll sit and share the photos of the kids which means just scrolling through our phones.

Ok I get it, i was UR which is probably why I feel as bad as I do.

OP posts:
Parisetoile · 16/11/2018 23:46

There are a lot of judgey comments. Is your child loved, safe and well cared for, yes. You are doing your best. I’m sure we have all done or said things we regret, I have, I told a neighbour that my son was really lazy around the house and we laughed about it. My son is gorgeous and sensitive and great company. I felt afterwards that I had been really disloyal to him and I really regretted it (he was about 9 at the time) it’s not the same but it was a lapse. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Delete the video ASAP and move on.

Rachelover40 · 16/11/2018 23:49

If you uploaded for one particular person to see and it was meant lightheartedly, it's not too bad. I have to say I dislike the habit of putting pictures of children on the net for lots of of people to see, when the kids have no choice. What you did wasn't that, though.

It's possible that your husband felt it wasn't fair to your son to expose him in that way.

Forgive your husband but please don't do it again. Once is enough!

RebelWitchFace · 16/11/2018 23:50

I'd recommend posting a thread in parenting about the tantrums if you're feeling overwhelmed and in need of some support.Thanks

BumsexAtTheBingo · 16/11/2018 23:55

Well what’s done is done but please stop filming your distressed child - and that’s what a tantrum is - it’s an immature brain that is struggling to deal with something that may seem irrational to an adult but their feelings are just as real. And knowing that their distress may or may not be being filmed isn’t going to help them.

Original poster
4men1lady · 16/11/2018 23:59

I know exactly what a tantrum is.
And for what it’s worth it was a 7 second clip of him shouting “no” at me. Not excusing what I’ve done.

OP posts:
TrippingTheVelvet · 17/11/2018 00:35

Tbh if I was the keyworker and that was randomly uploaded I would assume you were struggling to cope and passing it on to my manager.

As an aside, would it calm you down or escalate your upset further if you were crying or shouting and DH started filming you?

Omzlas · 17/11/2018 00:47

Honestly I don't think you made the wrong decision or acted inappropriately. I don't have personal experience of a child with SEN but I've heard from other parents that their concerns aren't listened to because they haven't seen the same behaviour first-hand and are unable to emulate said behaviour

You've taken the (short) video to be able to 'back up' your claims because you're concerned for your child, not for shits & giggles.

I also sit on the fence a little with regards to your DH's reaction and I would have maybe spoken to him about it first. Not to gain his 'permission' as such but his opinion at least.
What's done is done though and hopefully you might actually get an answer and a resolution to these outbursts, good luck OP Cake

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2018 00:48

This reply has been deleted

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Ghanagirl · 17/11/2018 00:57

@Aquamarine1029
Really vile unhelpful post.
I’m sure you’re a perfect parent

hailstone1 · 17/11/2018 01:00

I don't see what the problem is tbh. If these tantrums happen regularly it might be best to see if the nursery can help with finding out why or if there are any ideas to help deal with them. They are trained and probably deal with tantrums every day so some support or advice might be useful.
Don't lose sleep over it OP.
Also you have a good relationship with the nursery staff. You have that relationship. Not your husbamd or any of us. So if you feel it's ok to do and they'll understand then dont worry. If they aren't happy about it then ask to delete and apologise. We all make mistakes and there's so many people around willing to make other people feel bad about them xx

Rachelover40 · 17/11/2018 01:02

Well if it was only a 7 second clip of him shouting, "No", at you, not a big deal really op.

A night's sleep will bring it all into perspective.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2018 01:10

@Ghanagirl

I've been a parent long enough to know that you don't humiliate your small children by recording their poor behaviour, showing it to them, and then posting it ONLINE. Although I would think you don't even have to be a parent to know better than that. Now THAT is vile.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 17/11/2018 01:18

It's done now but I would speak to the staff at school about how to delete it from Parentzone, maybe you will have to delete yourself from it then re-register? Don't feel bad that he's like that with you though. It's because with you he feels safest, and feels like you will love him at his most raw, especially after having to be on his best behaviour at nursery. Tantrums come and go and they grow out of them. You'll look back on them and smile in a few years time, probably (but hopefully without the video evidence!) Flowers

Returnofthesmileybar · 17/11/2018 01:28

I too find it odd you video him at all. You were joking that he isn't as good as home as he is in nursery and then uploaded to say "here told you so", it's really taking the piss out of your own child isn't it? It's not the crime of the century but it's not great is it really. But look you know it, it's done now, I wouldn't even ask them to delete it, just let it be and don't make an even bigger deal out of it.

Unicyclethief · 17/11/2018 01:32

It just doesn’t sit right with me, it is like you want to shame him. I wonder if that is why he is being violent towards you? Because he feels humiliated?

OlennasWimple · 17/11/2018 01:33

It wasn't until I showed DD's teacher a video of her having a tantrum on the way to school that she realised that I really did need her help getting DD to school and the angel that she saw during the day was working so hard to hold it all together that it all exploded at me outside school.

OlennasWimple · 17/11/2018 01:35

Posted too soon....

I wouldn't have shared it online, though, even in a controlled forum. Just showing his key worker the clip on your phone would have had the same impact TBH

Birdie6 · 17/11/2018 01:59

Sorry but I find the whole thing really weird. You video his tantrums so you can both view them later .....maybe this is why he has them, since he gets so much attention . I feel uncomfortable just thinking about the two of you sitting there watching him perform .....because that is what it sounds like. He knows you are going to get the phone, out so off he goes again.

The fact that he never has tantrums at Nursery should tell you something - he obviously doesn't get all that negative attention at Nursery like he is getting at home. Put the phone away and deal with his behaviour in other ways .

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2018 02:06

@Birdie6

Exactly. Well put.

Peacocking · 17/11/2018 02:18

None of this is a big deal at all in any way. A toddler had a tantrum, mum filmed it and showed it to someone. So what? It's nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. Relax OP. You've done nothing harmful, nothing damaging and it's nothing at all to worry about. There are lots of scary and stressful things in this world, this absolutely isn't one of them!

Alfie190 · 17/11/2018 02:34

You have both said you show him the films and that he doesnt know he has been filmed. This makes no sense.

Stop filming your son, its horrible and you should feel ashamed of yourself. People have been raising children for thousands of years without needing to film tantrums. Grow up.

Flightoffancy75 · 17/11/2018 02:49

I would just stop videoing the tantrums completely. I don’t think it’s helpful and can’t be nice for your child to watch.

That said - this commemt is good and I would say please stop worrying as you’re probably getting overly anxious:

Nah. It’s fine. It’s for his keyworker, not the town square. Your DH is being daft - it’s not the first tantrum his KW will have seen FGS.