Not sure if I’ve been UR but either way, i feel a bit foolish and quite upset

[4men1lady]

Just to start, I am massively sleep deprived so my emotions are probably coming from lack of sleep.

Ds 4 is in nursery and is really well behaved which I am really pleased about. I have a really good relationship with all nursery staff and we often have a joke about how good ds is in comparison to how he is at home. Of course all children are different in their own environment. Ds is very highly strung and can throw the most horrendous tantrums. When I tell Nursery this, they never believe me and say the want proof, all light hearted.

Anyway, ds threw one of his almighty tantrums today, so as I do quite often, I videoed him as he likes to watch them back when he’s calmed down and we can laugh about it once I’ve explained that is not how he should act etc.

Any way, I uploaded the video on to parent zone for his key worker to see, still all very light hearted, I thought. I’ve told dh and he’s not impressed at all and says I shouldn’t have put it on as that’s not the child they see, and thinks they will look at him differently now.

And now I feel horrendous and think I’ve made a huge mistake and feel so bad for ds. For what it’s worth, I showed ds the video and told him I would show Nursery.

Please be gentle, I’ve been UR haven’t I.

I really don't think you deserve the bashing your getting. I often wonder how much experience some of the harsher posters have with children. Its ok to have a different opinion but some comments are litrally written to ridicule and upset, personally i think for inflammatory reasons.

Try and forget about the video, its sent now. The key worker will watch it, and maybe able to offer help and advice, afterall they must see tantrums every day. I suspect thats why you might of sent it. My dd was similar to this, drove me mad when nobody believed she'd reduced me to tears and made out i was dramatic.

Fwiw, i would delete all videos of tantrums or move them to a folder. Imo, i wonder if him watching them is normalising his behaviour. I think id say along the lines of its not acceptable to behave like that and it does not entertain me. Mummy does not find it funny, in fact it makes me cry even to watch it back.

Good luck. Chin up

Please don't beat yourself upOP. I actually think it's good that nursery staff have an idea of what he's like at home, as he is acting very differently in both situations so it will help give them the full picture

I think YABVU and you should stop with the videoing unless it is requested by a doctor. It seems to me that throughout school life kids can get a "mark" against them and people don't always take them at face value. So if a child is involved in 2 incidents that maybe entirely unrelated and not their fault it can get brought up... "well he was also involved in X and Y although apparently it wasn't his fault....." Giving videos like this to nursery could colour their view of him, after all a vid of a screaming child isn't pleasant. I think what happens in your family should stay there and not be shared.

You also seem to say you video so DH can see how hard you have it, there may be an element of this in sharing with nursey too to show them he's not all sweetness. However, this doesn't help your son in anyway - stop the video and be a proper parent. I know it's hard work but it's the path you have chosen so do it well and don't think you have to give evidence to anyone on the amount of effort you are putting in.

You're not very clear on why you videoed it and people seem to be putting their own view on that.

You say it's because he likes to watch them back and you explain what went wrong - that's just not very usual with nursery aged children ime.

Plus - are you maybe not understanding nursery's conversations with you? Toddler has tantrum is a bit no shit Sherlock really. I'm sure they don't really want proof but are just laughing along

OP, just drop an email to nursery saying

"Last night I posted a video in ParentZone of Jonnie tantruming (following our frequent chats about him being such an angel at nursery!). However, in hindsight, I think sharing the video was misjudged (I'm very sleep deprived at the moment..), and would appreciate it if you could delete it, and not mention it to Jonnie - many thanks. On a seperate note, could you let me know whether it is a half day closing on the 24th Dec so I can plan work schedule accordingly"

However you view tantrums, bumpity reviewing those episodes and associating that with expressions of love and intimacy is not helpful.

I wouldn't worry about having uploaded it but think it was a mistake and would ask them to delete it.

I think the videoing his tantrums and allowing him to watch them back is much more serious. Firstly because it reinforces the behaviour for him, gives it a lot of attention and gives him an image of himself as a naughty child.

Secondly because he is very vulnerable having a tantrum. He is struggling with real and difficult emotions. It feels exploitative to be videoing him to show people "look what I have to deal with" and suggests that you are not able to empathise and support him.

It feels very sinister and I think you need to stop that asap. Maybe have a read about positive parenting or look for a parenting course local to you.

The fact that he never has tantrums at Nursery should tell you something - he obviously doesn't get all that negative attention at Nursery like he is getting at home. Put the phone away and deal with his behaviour in other ways .

I've worked in nurseries for 12+ years. Each year there are several parents who seem surprised at how "well" their children behave at nursery compared to at home.
It's because they feel safer with their main care giver. They feel safe to let it all out because they know they will still be loved. That doesn't make it easier to deal with at the time, but please don't make parents feel that it is a bad thing that it is that way round!

OP, I wouldn't judge you for uploading the video if we had had those conversations previously! I am sure it won't have any impact on how they treat your son, we know all children have those moments.

I think it is odd that you would play the video back to your son. Are you expecting him at 4yrs to gain insight from it, be able to adjust his future behaviour, reducing the incident of emotion-driven tantrums? You say you explain it isn't the way he should act and then you have a laugh. I'm not sure the message you think you are sending is the one he is actually receiving.

I will add though that I am not sure he needs to see these videos. When a tantrum is finished a cuddle and a chat if he is ready for one is great though!

Poor child, you are meant a step his parent to calm him down when he's upset and teach him strategies etc to deal with things. Not video him to show your husband how hard your day was. Newsflash, lots of children have moments like this.

As for uploading it to nursery, that's awful.

Think there's something odd and not quite right about videoing tantrums to show him tbh, so would stop that. Also, don't get why you feel need to prove to nursery that he's not always well behaved.

Op clearly you are looking for help with difficult behaviour. Nothing to be ashamed about.

OP you have done nothing wrong. It is great that you have a good relationship with the nursery and they will be used to this scenario: child acting well with them, having tantrums at home. Children pushing boundaries with their parents is typical behaviour as they know you will love them unconditionally! The nursery, by law, will have data protection procedures in place so only the key worker and manager will be able to view the video - it certainly will not go on to the internet for all to see! The fact that they have this resource in the first place should put your mind at rest. If they judged you for doing this it wouldn’t make much sense! It is important that they see the difference in behaviour so that they can work alongside you as the parent and to give support and advise if needed x

I videoed him as he likes to watch them back when he’s calmed down and we can laugh about it once I’ve explained that is not how he should act etc.

By videoing him, I wonder if this encourages him in his tantrums, i.e., to add a bit of dramatic flair.

Apparently I was a right little drama queen at that age and used to run into the hall to admire myself in the mirror during tantrums. . Can't imagine how I might have upped the ante with a camera pointed in my direction...

"I feel in a way I've invaded his privacy".

You don't say? .....

Why the obsession with capturing everything on camera and forcing it into other people's faces? How narcissistic.

"Massively sleep deprived" ...and yet sufficiently alert and equipped to be able to capture a tantrum on camera and upload it onto social media sites.

Yep.

Why do people feel the need to carry on and repeat what has already been said.
I admit I’ve made a massive error of judgement, I have asked for the video to be removed. Nothing else really to say unless people like kicking someone when they are down.

What do you want from this - an acknowledgement from the nursery that he is harder for you, that somehow his tantrums are a measure of something else that they should be looking at. That he is too old for tantrums.

Because everybody (and I mean everybody) acts differently in public to how they do in private. We all have a public face we show to the world. Your DS spends his time at nursery following the rules sharing with others, thinking about others then at home it all comes out. its normal

What isnt normal is your desire to film it and discuss it afterwards - you are in dangerous territority here rather than letting him get control of normal emotions

YWVU

As an aside I have heard that said to many children my own included.

@Adnerb95
However you view tantrums, bumpity reviewing those episodes and associating that with expressions of love and intimacy is not helpful
Sorry, I just don't agree with this blanket statement. If OP was showing her son vidoes of his tantrums on loop and complimenting his behaviour during these episodes then you may have a point.

I believe that it is useful for young children to review incidents that have occurred during their day with a caring and supportive adult to help them process what happened and allow them an opportunity to discuss how they felt during these times. OP may well be using video as a tool to facilitate these types of conversation and I imagine she has a range videos that show different emotions. Tantrums are a fact of life and don't need to be airbrushed out. Having an open and loving chat about the child's behaviour and the circumstances that led up to the tantrum may well help OP identify what triggered the response and help OP's son better understand what was happening at the time and the actions of others.

As to those who comment about OP sharing it with her DH and the nursery work, I seriously think you need to get a grip! DH is the child's father and it's hardly an invasion of her son's privacy to share the video with him. The nursery worker is a professional that has a vested interest in OP's son and is well placed to offer advice and suggest techniques that could help, even if this is just reassurance that the behaviour is normal. She is hardly loading it onto YouTube or Instagram to share with randomers (unlike other families) so please keep some perspective.

This thread has seriously riled me as I think lots of posters have seized on OP's anxiety around this issue and her eagerness to do the right thing. If she was a parent that didn't care about her son's welfare or was keen to humiliate him then she wouldn't give any of this a second thought. So often on MN people defend downright poor parenting and yet here so many posters seem desperate to stick the knife in. I hope you don't feel too bad OP

Well done you for reflecting on this and thinking it over. Parenting is a constant of shifting positions as they get older, so your skill in reflecting will help hugely.

Have a lovely weekend

Unless you were inviting their input into the situation I don't get the purpose of recording and uploading it. You sound frustrated though, as if noone believes that he can misbehave. What triggers it? If this happens often at 4 is there more going on or do you need to change your reaction (laughing it off afterwards together) ?

4men1lady- I agree there is no point people repeating the same thing as you’ve acknowledged your error of judgement in uploading the video.

I also think you sound like a caring parent and you’re obviously thinking hard (perhaps over thinking) about how to deal with his behaviours

There was some very good advice about stopping this business of filming your son’s behaviours, sitting and reviewing them and laughing about the tantrums afterwards.
Yes, of course as the parent you manage your child’s behaviours, in a calm consistent way, and having an age appropriate discussion with them may well form part of this. But it really honestly does not sound as though what you do is helping him. There may be a mixed message in the cosying up and making ‘mummy’ time while watching the video of what is ultimately normal, but undesirable behaviour. A cuddle up afterwards for sure, but not watching a video (which you also say he doesn’t know you’ve taken, which also doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Are you saying he’s so ‘in the moment’ of vulnerable raw emotion and isn’t aware you’re filming until you later replay it?)

So, lesson learned and I agree no one needs to keep kicking you. But there is good advice here about finding other methods to help your son get through these difficult meltdowns. Put your phone down and focus on him

Maybe you need to stop focusing on the negatives of his behaviour and start addressing the positives. And stop videoing tantrums. You're teaching your DS that bad behaviour gets massive attention, is that really what you want?

The smallest things can trigger his aggressive shouting, that’s how to best describe it. He is quite obsessive about his belongings so if someone accidentally changes his set up, he loses it completely. I don’t raise my voice to him at all as it doesn’t help, so I just let him calm down and then step in and do the explaining. It is really hard as I have two children younger than him. I admit I have no idea how to handle him sometimes. He’s a very well loved and cared for child. Nothing else going on that could explain his ways. Mil says her eldest was like him so I’ve just put down to personality.