Sick to the back teeth of being his alarm clock

[Hocusypocus]

Over the past 12-18 months since he has started working nights the responsibility of waking DP for work has fallen to me, before anybody suggests setting alarms he simply doesn't wake up to them. We've tried again and again and again. He tunes them out, no matter what the volume or tune is.

He's not getting enough sleep because he wants to do other things when he gets home instead of going to bed, which I can understand, but by the time he does retire to sleep he only gets 4-6 hours sleep. He won't stop doing that, I've already told him to.

When I go to wake him as requested I'm sat at the edge of the bed for 10-15-20 minutes repeatedly tapping him and saying his name upwards of 20 times, it's the most repetitive thing and is driving me mental.

Today was more of the same, I made his dinner got him up (it took forever and alot of patience that I don't have) he has his dinner then falls asleep on the sofa. I left him for thirty minutes then began the tedious process of trying to wake him again, he mutters and goes back to sleep. Acknowledges me then ignores and closes his eyes again.

Cue more slapping him on the arm and raising my voice to call his name. Rinse and repeat for another twenty minutes.

Nothing.

He's an hour and fifteen minutes late for work. I've had enough, am irritated and at the end of my damn tether.

AIBU to just bloody leave him there and let him deal with the repercussions, even though him losing his job would impact me and the DC.

There's no way on this earth he'd have his job if it weren't for me acting as his mother/personal alarm

@Imissgmichael, I used to work for Tesxo stacking shelves.

5 night shifts in a week, working Wednesday to Sunday.

I had regular shifts and was lucky as I had two nights off in a row.

Some of my colleagues weren't so lucky.

I've also worked an odd, 2 on, 2 off, 3 on, 2 off, 2 on, 10 off shift pattern which drove me nuts.

As we were expected to cover each other's annual leave, it was never 10 days off.

I feel for him working those hours.... in addition to the vibrating alarm how about a very loud horn like alarm situated across the room? That way he will have to physically move to turn it off?
Please don’t pour cold water on him or slap him, he may be so shocked and hit back.

Why has on one said he should just change jobs...
He can't do nights they don't agree with him.

Nights and twelve hour shifts are brutal, especially without even getting two days off together. I am worried for his health. Some people just can't adjust. Could he go to occupational health and at least get two days off together?
He may be being a bit of a martyr about the money and playing a guilt card but it's still shit, and as a family this can't be sustained. He has to get another job. Maybe he could top up the wage drop with an occasional extra night shift at the weekend?
He has very little time for himself.
We had a talk about managing night work when I was a student nurse and were recommended to get exercise before going to sleep. The hospital I worked at had a great staff pool and I would swim straight after a night shift. Sometimes I went for a bike ride. It really winds you down well, getting some exercise and you feel like you're doing something for yourself and sleep well after. Perhaps he could try something like that one or two mornings after work.
Of course now I'm a lot older just two nights a month kill me so it's straight to bed. Best of all I've taken the pay hit which wasn't much really and moved to an area where I do no shifts at all. Every evening and every weekend free. It's a revelation and really worth it.
The best thing he can do for you, the family and his health is change jobs.

Mummmy plenty of people have suggested that.

You already know what works: cold hands on the back of his neck.

If he is completely shattered then anything that wakes him quickly and properly will feel horrific to him. So, stick with the "don't hurt me" cold hands.

My DH did 12 hour night shifts (5 or six nights a week) when DS was newborn, it was fucking brutal, for both of us. And we were both night shift workers for years, but, four on/three off is completely different to the constant grind.

He changed jobs for different shifts and a pay cut (within the same company) in the end as we were both on the brink of collapse (as a couple, physically and emotionally.)

WTF, I never had 10 day off. The most I could have off was 7 days. These were 12 hour shifts, frequently without a break and on your feet all the time. 7 days sounds a lot but I spent those 7 days shattered (still did my fair share round the house though. No down time for me).

I regularly worked Friday night to through to Friday morning in the following week and then back in Monday.

To the pp who mentioned finding the shifts hard to believe. My dp this week worked a 10 hour shift Sunday night, 12 hour shifts Monday - Thursday night finishing at 7am Friday morning, back to work 3pm-11pm Friday and then in this morning 7am-3pm. Not forced but his work were short of staff and overtime pay comes in handy. Working unsociable shifts is awful for all involved.

So a 74 hour week give or take the odd meal break Ifoundthebread
Are any employers taking any notice of working time directive here?

I’m finding it difficult to believe anyone in the U.K. is contracted to work five twelve hour shifts in every seven day cycle.

Well, aren't you lucky? Try looking at some of the jobs advertised in 2018 - zero hours, any shift 24/7, days off not guaranteed, long shifts, all sort. VERY easy to see someone working these shifts.

How much he does or doesn't work is totally irrelevant. It is not the OP's job to wake him, he is not a child.

The so called Continental shift pattern is dire.

4 x 12 hour shifts on, 4 x 12 hour shifts off, 4 x 12 hour shifts on and so on.

Not able to take annual leave for 'busy months', no ability to plan any activities except on shifts off and only able to take annual leave when cover is found.

I asked him what his days off were and he's confirmed he's sacrificing one of his nights off in favour of an extra shift to have more money in for Christmas, he's doing the same the following week. How he hasn't collapsed yet I don't know.

Had a brief chat about finding a different job again this morning, he said he'll give it some serious thought after Christmas is over and done with

Have just been reflecting on how tough it was when DS was newborn and he was working nights then too, he didn't take any paternity leave as money was too tight so neither of us were getting any sleep at night time.

I think it needs to be a condition that by the time baby #2 is here in April he needs to have found something else

Tomorrow, make arrangements to go out/ visit family or a friend over the period be needs to get up and out for work. Tell him it is his own responsibility to sort himself out. You won't be there to sort him out or get stressed about it.

The sheer ignorance of shift work and it's effect on health and wellbeing displayed by some on this thread is shocking. If you can't be arsed to inform yourselves fine, but then you shouldn't be offering advice on a situation you don't understand.

mostdays I agree with you entirely.

I did shift work for over ten years now. About three of those years were long-term night shifts with roughly the same kind of schedule you've posted for your DH.

It really screws with you.

Based on the amount you say he's working and the exhaustion it sounds like he has, it might not be a bad idea to have some bloodwork done. When I finally got off nights it became really obvious that I was such a wreck that the GP had mine done- it doesn't even have to be due to sleep debt when you're working nights; because of the prolonged night work I was so severely Vit D deficient they didn't understand how I was able to remain upright most of the time (you're deficient at 50, I was well below 20).