Sick to the back teeth of being his alarm clock

[Hocusypocus]

Over the past 12-18 months since he has started working nights the responsibility of waking DP for work has fallen to me, before anybody suggests setting alarms he simply doesn't wake up to them. We've tried again and again and again. He tunes them out, no matter what the volume or tune is.

He's not getting enough sleep because he wants to do other things when he gets home instead of going to bed, which I can understand, but by the time he does retire to sleep he only gets 4-6 hours sleep. He won't stop doing that, I've already told him to.

When I go to wake him as requested I'm sat at the edge of the bed for 10-15-20 minutes repeatedly tapping him and saying his name upwards of 20 times, it's the most repetitive thing and is driving me mental.

Today was more of the same, I made his dinner got him up (it took forever and alot of patience that I don't have) he has his dinner then falls asleep on the sofa. I left him for thirty minutes then began the tedious process of trying to wake him again, he mutters and goes back to sleep. Acknowledges me then ignores and closes his eyes again.

Cue more slapping him on the arm and raising my voice to call his name. Rinse and repeat for another twenty minutes.

Nothing.

He's an hour and fifteen minutes late for work. I've had enough, am irritated and at the end of my damn tether.

AIBU to just bloody leave him there and let him deal with the repercussions, even though him losing his job would impact me and the DC.

There's no way on this earth he'd have his job if it weren't for me acting as his mother/personal alarm

If he is working 12 hour shifts he won't be working 5 days a week surely?

@Sethis please don't encourage people to hit their partners. Op's husband sounds as if he's being incredibly annoying to say the least, but it's just not on to suggest she hits him because his behaviour is unacceptable to her.

OP you are about to have a third child.

It;s not ideal.

He's a good enough dad. He pulls his weight with DS when he's not at work and they have a good bond. I don't have any complaints about his parenting.

I might have misinterpreted what a cocklodger means but in this case he's the one who pays the rent.

Going to go against the grain here and say YABalittlebitU.

I have this problem. I cant hear my alarm clock at all or my DH shouting me (or my DM when I was a kid). I've watched a video of myself sleeping through the fire alarm

It's unnerving and it's not my fault. My DM used to be furious that I wouldn't get up but I had no recollection. How do you stop doing something you dont know you're doing? She tried the whole let her be late she'll learn thing but I just developed insomnia instead and then still slept in.

The only thing that has helped is a strong vibrating under pillow alarm clock. And my lovely patient DH. And yes, the odd cup of cold water

@speakout @TheHandmaidsTail yes he does 5 night shifts a week, he has two nights off per week but it's rare that those days are coupled together. It's a very gruelling and demanding physical job and we're left with very little family time.

To make matters worse he may be sacrificing one of those days off for the next couple of weeks because he wants to have more money for Christmas

Are you me. Every single thing in your opening post is my experience too. My DH is the same. He has had me nearly having a nervous breakdown over it in the past and yes I've had to resort to a hard slap in the face sometimes (on his prior instruction I need to say) which barely wakes him to the point he doesn't even remember it afterwards. It's like he is comatose, a few times I have actually thought he was dead.

People who have partners who wake like normal human beings are not going to understand.

The thing is, it's OK for Internet randoms to say, "fuck him. Let him lose his job", they don't have to feed and house your kids.

I do it because we would be homeless in a fortnight if I just let him be to get the sack and I don't particularly want to be cold and starving on the streets because waking him drives me barmy.

Talk to him when he's awake and ask him how far you should go to wake him and what you're going to live on when he gets the sack.

I'm sorry to say if you really can't live with it, you ma end up choosing to leave him because it is very unlikely he will change that much when it comes to this especially if, like my DH, it is probably caused by lack of sleep associated with working odd hours.

He's not going to change until he starts to suffer the consequences of his actions.

He's an adult and perfectly capable of holding a job down.

I wouldn't find a man I had to "parent" like this very attractive, tbh.

@DailyMailWankers thank you for posting as I've been yet to speak to somebody who's the same as DP. I'm looking at vibrating alarms online now and will send him some links to look at when he goes on his break.

I'm somebody who can wake to an alarm regardless of how much sleep I've had so I can't empathise with DP because I've never been a deep sleeper, I've never worked 12 hour night shifts either though.

He must be utterly utterly exhausted. I'm not surprised he can't get up, he'll make himself ill.

Would he start looking for another job? I know it's not as easy as just walking into one.

What NoSquirrels said.

I agree that it's more complicated than chucking him out because he's a bit rubbish. Regardless.,one of you has to make a change. I'd say he's had enough of stupidly long shifts. Time to re think jobs and roles.

Sounds to me that he is not suited to Night Shift working.
But ...
Could he see a GP for a check up to see if there is perhaps another reason that he is so tired ?

@BettyBitchface sorry that you have the same problem, isn't it absolutely infuriating?! Glad I'm not alone but wouldn't wish it on anybody else either.

I, like you, feel as though I simply have to suck it up and do it because the alternative would be us being crippled at least temporarily which nobody needs at any point least of all in the middle of winter. In time it's been something I've just come to accept and get on with, but I do so through gritted teeth because I'd be lying if I said I don't feel like throttling him.

I know he's exhausted from work, he's always aching and never fully rested and despite my moan here I do feel for him in that respect because he's working a gruelling and time demanding job doing antisocial hours to provide me and the DC stability.

He has been looking for other work but is very reluctant to accept anything which pays a lot less than what he currently receives.

With rent, bills a DS and another baby due early next year we do need his income but not to the extent where it impacts our lives like this. We could survive on less, it might be tight for a while but is surely preferable to this.

DH copping it because he's fucking exhausted from earning money for his family. Mental.

Honestly, he's an adult. If he can't wake up or adjust his sleep pattern accordingly, then he needs to see a doctor (my DP is a heavy sleeper, but yours seems excessive if it takes 10-15 mins of constant prodding for him to wake up!) or work out how to get the sleep he needs for himself. You aren't his mother and he isn't sleeping in for school.

He should be the one finding solutions to this, not you.

hoop Well, many of us have been in the same position. Plenty of people work long hours and still manage to get up without all this fuss and bother.

I sleep like the dead and struggle getting up. I've also worked those shifts (12hr nights)
Yes it's tiring, but I lived on my own and still managed to get up
Two alarms, one by the bed, one across the room and a colleague to ring me if I was really tired. Nobody else to wake me so I have to get up!
My phone vibrates which helps me hear it

Yes it is infuriating.

There have been times where I've sat on the edge of the bed rocking it and loudly going beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.

Strangely that sometimes works because it's weird and he has woken up to look at me in an odd way and ask what the fuck I'm doing.

I've also whispered weird shit in his ear and that sometimes works.

Whispering "what's that" in a frightened voice and "fire" and "shhh, do you hear that" have worked but not for long because they get wise to it.

Have got a text from him thanking me for dinner and apologising for not waking up earlier and telling me he can't help it because he's so drained.

My ex was like this. I used to drag the duvet off him. Sometimes I used to roll him off the bed so he fell onto the floor. I hated it. It made me behave in a way I despised.

You could try to:

Open the windows and let cold air onto him.
Use smelling salts
Blow a horn
Make coffee and waft it under his nose
Use a daylight lamp and loud music
Fry bacon

But he does need more than four hours sleep. Can he look for a different job so he's not on night shift? I have a lot of sympathy for him as well as you. Night shifts are incredibly bad for your health and stress levels.

Plenty of people work 60 hours a week, through the night??? No they bloody don't. NIght work is brutal, he gets no rest days and wants to spend time with his family. Otherwise all he would be doing would be work.

And he's getting it in the neck. Maybe look at what work you can do OP? Or when you can go back to work? So he knows how long he has to keep it up for.

One of those sunrise alarm clocks. Helps reset circadian rhythms.

@BettyBitchface I've done that, "fire!"

Also put my freezing cold hands on his back and that did the trick like nothing else ever has but it gave him such a fright he woke instantly and cried out "don't hurt me"

My cold hands interrupted a weird dream and he thought somebody had broken in

Also, that kind of night shift work plus so little sleep will take years off his life.