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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not speaking to me AIBU

230 replies

Bogstandardbob · 16/11/2018 19:48

My daughter has decided that she is not speaking to me after taking a comment I made the wrong way. The comment was a joke but she has completely over reacted and cut me out of her life. She used to phone me once a week but I haven’t heard from her for weeks now although she’s allowed my grandchild to contact me a few times. She’s sent me an email explaining why she’s so upset but I don’t understand why she can’t see it was a joke. I haven’t contacted her at all since this happened as I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong. She’s taken it the wrong way so what can I do? AIBU?

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 16/11/2018 22:58

Wow, your writing is dripping with self importance, and such minimization and dismissiveness of your daughters feelings.

It’s clear who is allowed to have emotions who’s feelings are unimportant and trivialized.

How terribly grand you must think yourself.

CeCeLaine66 · 16/11/2018 23:24

Actually I don't think you should apologise, not unless you mean it 100%, truly and completely from the bottom of your heart.
You've stated you don't think you've done anything wrong so any apology you make will be pointless. Your daughter will know you're just saying what you think she wants to hear without any meaning.

ive cut off a family member who was just like you (thankfully not my mum or my daughter) she always plays the victim and won't take any responsibility for her own behaviour even now after all this time she still doesn't think she has done anything wrong despite having it spelled out to her. There is absolutely no point even trying to continue a relationship with her. My life is all the better for it.

You'd be wise to actuallly listen to what your daughter is telling you, take a long hard look at yourself because if you don't you will lose both her and your grandchild for good.

Ellisandra · 16/11/2018 23:43

OP’s first post: well, not enough detail, who knows?

All OP’s subsequent posts: pretty bloody obvious who is at fault

I’m not even going to suggest that you apologise - because it wouldn’t be genuine, and unless it is, your daughter is better off without your shit.

Alpacanorange · 16/11/2018 23:58

You sounds like my mum. We haven’t spoken for 14 years, she liked a joke, at my expense, she wouldn’t apologise because I was too sensitive. You are making a massive mistake.

Rafflesway · 17/11/2018 00:17

I have been here for years OP and have often stated I have been NC with my mother or any of her relatives for 30 years! (I am now in my 60's)

Your responses to your DD, and especially the ones about not remembering incidents, sound sooo familiar.😡

Your tone implies you are not that bothered anyway. So long as you have your darling son

Been there/done that and, unless your attitude changes massively, I think your dd is better off without you.

Happiest 30 years of my life! Since I went NC, my mother has lost her husband and one of my half siblings. Ironically, she could be left as an old lady with just me as a surviving child. Will I change my stance? No chance! I heard from a distant relative years ago that her sole concern with regards to me was, "All these years and I've never bumped into Raffles!"

I have a much loved adult dd myself who unfortunately has SLD yet she is my life and NOTHING or No-ONE would come between us. I don't profess to be an expert but I feel a REAL mother would walk through fire to put things right with their child.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/11/2018 00:22

OP = AIBU

everyone = Yes

OP = Flounce

easy to see why your Daughter is NC.

StressedToTheMaxx · 17/11/2018 00:30

A previous poster asked
how often do you phone your son?
I would quite like to know that too. It many give you a clue as to the problem.

bumblingbovine49 · 17/11/2018 00:42

Your tone tells me all I need to know about your relationship with your daughter. You don't like her and I wouldn't be at all surprised if you did actually ( underneath the passive aggressive jokes) prefer your son
If you genuinely loved your daughter, you would find it painful and would maybe even feel some guilt that she obviously believes you prefer her brother and would be doing every thing you can to reassure here this is not the case
As it is, you are just annoyed because she didn't ' see the joke and are blaming her

She calls you every week and you now won't call her after having upset her

Your daughter is better off without you though I feel for her as she was obviously trying.

WhyAmISoCold · 17/11/2018 00:44

Seems the truth hurts OP. Shame you've overreacted.

wonderstuff · 17/11/2018 00:58

My dh parents never call him, he is expected to call them and when he does they are rude, often they dress this rudeness up as a joke, but it's sometimes so creatively offensive. Sometimes he gives up bothering, weeks go by and then when he does call they get upset, but they will never phone him, ever. I'm not sure what motivates them to behave like this, but it results in them seeing much less of our family than my, nice reasonable parents do. It's some weird power thing but I'm not sure what they get out of it.

If I had upset my children unintentionally I'd say sorry. If I found out they had been upset with me about multiple things for a long time I'd be upset. I would stop making jokes about things I knew upset them. I would in your shoes phone my dd, apologise for upsetting her and generally try to be nice and supportive.

Omzlas · 17/11/2018 01:07

It must be awful to have one of those phones that only work one way OP, my heart goes out to you

OP: AIBU?
MN: yes
OP: I can't possibly be
MN: yes, you are
OP: no, I'm not

Rinse & repeat

You've 'done so much for her' but tell her (even in jest) that you prefer your other child
But your head is so far up your arse that you can't accept she's legitimately and justifiably upset with you?

Her perceived overreaction may be hers but the cause was yours - YOU and your comment are the reason she 'overreacted'

3ChangingForNow · 17/11/2018 01:17

"Done so much for her." Yeah, what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. She doesn't have to take any shit that comes out of your mouth because you put food on the table when she was a child. Grow the fuck up and, if you can't be a loving mother, at least be a fucking adult, which is, "I'm really sorry that offended you."

And get some therapy.

Katedotness1963 · 17/11/2018 01:49

You're not apologising because she "over reacted", you're apologising because you've obviously deeply hurt your daughter with your "joke".

Bunbunbunny · 17/11/2018 01:59

Do your DD a favour, don't contact her

SoleBizzz · 17/11/2018 02:09

Go no contact with your Daughter. I hope your lovely Daughter gets therapy and gains strength away from you and your vile put downs. You do not deserve her.

Birdie6 · 17/11/2018 02:18

And this is how you can end up on Gransnet, on the thread called "Support for those living with Estrangement". Some of those people have been No Contact for decades, have never met their grandchildren ......all because someone didn't want to apologise for a thoughtless comment.

kateandme · 17/11/2018 02:19

your still the prent here though.no matte rher age now you still top the tower of needing to put things right sometimes before you kids can.as the adult protecting parent sometimes you have to suck it up to sort things out.
if you didn't do wrong maybe explain to her that you would enver mean for it to hurt her and you could only ever say such a thing because it is so ridiculous therefore you assumed she would see it was a joke.
maybe this is something she has felt though?could it have hit a nerve.
either way phone her.you be the branch holder and talk this through.

kateandme · 17/11/2018 02:22

omzlaz Her perceived overreaction may be hers but the cause was yours - YOU and your comment are the reason she 'overreacted'
great wording there.and so true!

Topseyt · 17/11/2018 02:26

Bloody hell! What a prize twat you are!

LilyMarie · 17/11/2018 02:26

Love a good reverse

penisbeakers · 17/11/2018 02:29

You're a twat.

differentnameforthis · 17/11/2018 05:05

It was to do with preferring her brother to her. But it was a joke.
I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong, she’s over reacted.

Nice! I'd say that your "joke" hit a nerve or conjured up old feelings.

She didn't overreact, she is hurt. Because of you. But you don't care, do you? If you did, you would not be falling over yourself to make her look unreasonable. When someone tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to tell them they are wrong. Apologise and give her time

In the email she mentioned other incidents similar to this that I don’t remember. Ahhh, see. You have history. This was the final straw. Your poor daughter.

Get used to not seeing your daughter. Soon you won't see your grandchildren either.

Nodnol · 17/11/2018 05:23

You are a complete wanker. I’d not speak to you again if you were my “mother”.

otterturk · 17/11/2018 05:24

So you never call her and you made a horrid "joke" about preferring her brother. The two are probably connected.

I never understand stubborn parents who won't apologise because they believe they're in the right. You hurt your daughter so apologise.

Minesril · 17/11/2018 05:27

In the email she mentioned other incidents similar to this that I don’t remember.

Of course you don't.

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