The truth about having kids

[WheninWinsteria]

I'm in my mid thirties - I am currently single and have no children.

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and friend's children, but I have no desire to have my own. I have recently stopped seeing someone as he was desperate for a baby.

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids. Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

It's a total gamble. But like most things in life, even if it's hard then you find ways to get on with it.

I think the question 'do I want children?' is a bit like 'do I want a partner?' It sort of depends on what you're like, what they're like, what the circumstances are. Most of the time it's good. In some situations it's hard. There's no way to be 100% sure beforehand.

Gosh I didn't expect so many replies, thank you. Just read them all and thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences.

Cornishmum - I hope things improve for you and although I can't imagine what this feels like, this is exactly what I fear I would feel like if I had them!

I am experiencing a lot of family pressure to have children and elderly relatives in particular have been quite vocal that my life will be 'pointless and lonely' if I don't hurry up and have a few children. It also doesn't help matters that I am very independent and they feel I should find a nice man and be a nice wife and nothing else.

I am thinking of going travelling which would be very difficult with children but I worry I am being careless leaving everything behind at my age.

With hindsight I definitely wouldn't have had them. The responsibility, drudge, loss of self and freedom, noise, cost and worry actually outweigh the positives for me. I can't bear to be responsible for how two people turn out. I'm terrified I'm messing them up.

It's probably sensible not to want them! Shows you have a good trip on reality! As pps say it's very hard work and depending what phase your in the good bits don't always outweigh the bad! It's a very different life and while I wouldn't be without them now, I still miss my old life and old me! There are squidillions of kids in the world, be confident in your preference not to create more!

Your life is totally different after kids. I cant remember who i was before. However i syill have hobbies and a job and i have always always enjoyed their company at whatever age. And go travelling its good for the soul. I did it pre kids and never regretted it. Try and get sabattical from work

If you don't want them then don't have them 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s the most amazing and joyful thing having children. I never expected how much I would enjoy them. I’m gay so there was no family expectation for us to have kids, we decided ourselves to try. I have no regrets despite the limitations sometimes - family holidays instead of exotic couples ones, coming straight home from work most days and not socialising with work peeps as much, working part time which has hurt my career. But the thing is as soon as I had my first DC my perspective changed on EVERYTHING and I don’t want to work full time and give my time to a company. Even when they’re older I never want to work as I did before - unless it’s for myself. Oh, and kids are hilarious! And fun, and energetic.

I’m trying-learning a lot of stuff that i’d Forgotten helping them with their homework, i’m Going to things I never would have gone to without them, i have rediscovered swimming because of them. They’re great company kids, really great company.

There is NOTHING wrong with you!
Having kids is fucking hard worl. Also the most amazing thing i have ever done. But it ain't for everyone!!!! x

I found having my first very very hard. I’d had a lot of adulthood where my time was my own , and felt totally trapped . Also felt like a massive failure.
But it’s all been up from there and I’ve really really loved it from when they can talk. They are funny and interesting and good company.
Dd has just got her first proper bf though, and that is quite something.

Much though I love children (and have worked with them for 22 years) I never wanted my own. Have never been maternal (never had dolls as a kid) and have always found babies a bit annoying.

Fast forward to age 44 and began to think differently. By this stage I was also menopausal.

Fast forward two more years and I am now a mum to two under two (through adoption). Best thing I ever did, but also the hardest. (Have learnt that babies are annoying unless they are your own, in which case they are awesome ).

If I had my time over again, I'd have possibly become a mum in my late 30s rather than my mid 40s, and I probably would still adopt again rather than having a biological child.

Sometimes I do miss my 'old life' (freedom to do what I want, when I want) but I am pleasantly surprised by how much I've adapted to motherhood (didnt think I would!).

No path is perfect, you’ll only know one whatever you choose or whatever happens to you - my advice would be to enjoy the aspects of your life that make you happy at the time and don’t let other people’s opinions make you doubt your decisions.

Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Yes. It's so hard. I'm unrecognisable, my life is unrecognisable.

I think your satisfaction with parenthood will depend on circumstances (financial, support from other parent and family, health of you and baby) but I also think a lot of it depends on your personality and your general expectations of life.

I was always very ambitious, a bit of a wild free spirit at times and so I do occasionally feel irritation and resentment over how parenthood has eclipsed my freedom and held me back from achieving the success I wanted. I’m still hopeful I’ll achieve it in the future but with two very small children it’s just not plausible right now.

Believe it or not I very much wanted my children and they are fabulous - but nothing could have prepared me for the realities of motherhood. It can be a complete relentless slog. Someone is always crying or whining at me, I exert enormous energy just trying to keep my patience every day so by the time they’re in bed all my plans for a productive evening go out the window and I just collapse on the couch in exhaustion! The thing I struggle most with is the fact it NEVER ends no days off and no off switch for the parental anxiety and worry they cause you.

OP you could adore being a parent - the comments on here show that many people do, but the thing about becoming a mother is - you will literally never know how you’ll feel about it til you do it. Don’t feel pressured though - it really isn’t a beautiful, profound experience for everyone. Some days I burst with love but I have at least twice as many days where I long to go back in time and not have children at all.

It's so hard. I'm unrecognisable, my life is unrecognisable.

This sums it up for me too.

I don't think any of us know how our lives will turn out. I waited to have children bc I needed patience to give/have them. I did not want them until 30s. I loved being a mother from infancy to 19. Now I have realized that motherhood only becomes more difficult as they are older.

Adult children are so different bc they have adult problems. You can't control them and they make crazy mistakes. Imagine being the parent to yourself. We feel like parents always.

Both of my dc love, respect and are kind to me, but I feel drained. I would like to leave their father but gave up my career/education to care for them. I have no means of support and they would be devastated if I changed and left somehow.

Husband has turned into bitter old man and now I am stuck here financially. Husband makes decisions and gets angry if I give my opinion or ask questions. He made poor financial choices without consulting or listening to me. He still refuses to listen to me. I am mired in financial hell.
No family to turn to. I never thought my life would end up this way, but my happy marriage is now a prison.

I am trying to establish a business to escape. (With virtually no money, Just skills) Trying to keep him out of it. I do not want to live sometimes but would not hurt my children by hurting myself. I live a lie for them. He won't go to counseling. I have never been so unhappy. Now, I cry alone bc I can't leave. I thought when they grew up and moved away, we would go back to happy pre-children times.

He doesn't need me or want me and is happier with our children or his family. My family has passed away. His never cared for me. Now that his parents have died, he seems to dislike me bc they did. Some sort of weird confused reaction?

If I had answered your question when my parents were alive, my children were young and husband loved me, I would have said that children were blessing. Maybe I would say so today as well? They are certainly the only reason I have for living at the moment.

NOBODY knows their future or even future feelings. We can only live with a more accurate "what if I don't?" As a way to judge our actions. Best wishes.

"Now I have realized that motherhood only becomes more difficult as they are older.

Adult children are so different bc they have adult problems. You can't control them and they make crazy mistakes. Imagine being the parent to yourself. We feel like parents always."

That is so very, very true. Small children are a piece of cake in comparison. When I read threads from women with small children who want another child I don't think they understand or realise just how difficult and expensive parenting teens is.

DD has put me through the emotional mill so many times since she the age of 14.

I haven't slept for 3 years. As much as I love my son if I have known how it's going to feel I would not have had him. I wanted a child and he is loved. I have not given up my career and financial independence, have a good marriadge but since I had him I'm in a fog of utter exhaustion and guilt...I love him so much it hurts and when I think something could happen to him I know I wouldn't survive it. I miss not feeling that way..I wish I never got pregnant.
I'm also so so tired..he is an awful sleeper..better now than in his first 2 years but still very bad. I catch colds all the time, immune system not working since having him..

There are amazing moments and deep feelings you discover after becoming a mother but for me the price has been very high and I don't think I would have done it if I knew...I admire anyone with more than one..I'm definitely stopping at one.

Sorry, not a very long response, but my three are now all at secondary school and this stage is hard. Having them all hate me at the same time is draining (they do have their moments when they don’t hate me). Their Dad and I have just got divorced and so I am on my own, being told to get out of rooms and endlessly repeating - get off your phone, go to bed now, have a shower (the youngest would never have one), have you done your homework - ad nauseam.

I am told it gets better .

In hindsight I would not have been a SAHM for so long, as though I am working now, my earning power is a bit low. Hope to change that.

I love them and my whole life is dedicated to them in a way, but this stage is difficult. Having an easier/kinder husband would have helped.

My middle dd has OCD and that is hard - powerlessly watching someone struggling and being unable to help because for the moment she is incredibly stubborn.

Now I have realized that motherhood only becomes more difficult as they are older.

Adult children are so different bc they have adult problems. You can't control them and they make crazy mistakes. Imagine being the parent to yourself. We feel like parents always."

You see, for me, this is the opposite. The older the dcs are, the more I’m enjoying them. I’m looking forward to have two adults children (they are teens/late teens atm).
The baby years were very hard. Not the least because H wasn’t helpful at all (or actually made things much worse).
Dc2 has some (not life threatening but that still has to be dealt with) health issues. We then went through CAMHS for ASD diagnosis. And I had to deal with the effect the Dc2 meltdowns had on Dc1.
I had many more worries then than I have now tbh.

You won’t be “‘missing out” on anything if you don’t have them, yes there are the nice moments and memories every now and then but you can make them other ways without the constant monotony that is parenthood. Don’t let people sugarcoat parenthood for you, unless you 1000% yearn to have them and have a realistic view of it then I wouldn’t recommend no.

You see, for me, this is the opposite. The older the dcs are, the more I’m enjoying them. I’m looking forward to have two adults children (they are teens/late teens atm).

This is the same for me. I have one daughter. The toddler stage and the ‘ playing ‘ oh the monotonous drudgery of playing actually makes me sick to the stomach. Also the todsler stage of having to watch them constantly. I just can’t do it again.
Had my nephews for an hour the other day. Was glad when my sister came back.

I love my daughter but those years were hard.

Its only worth doing if you want to in the first place. Its lovely but not easy.

For about 2.5 years I regretted it immensely and wished I'd never had any. However, I was in the grips of PND.

Now, 4 years on, I wouldn't change it for anything. Yes, there are aspects of my old life that I miss, loss of free time, inability to be totally selfish etc! But, the bond we have now is so important to me, I love spending time with him.

If you're happy being child free then that's great too! It is bloody hard having children, although in my opinion, does get immeasurably better the older they get.