The truth about having kids

[WheninWinsteria]

I'm in my mid thirties - I am currently single and have no children.

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and friend's children, but I have no desire to have my own. I have recently stopped seeing someone as he was desperate for a baby.

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids. Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

Of course there's nothing wrong with you!

I have 2, 8yo ds and 2yo dd. Tbh I don't find parenting hard, or relentless. Sure, there are times that are harder than others, but actually they've helped me put other things in my life into perspective. I cope with things better than I used to, i don't sweat the small stuff. Life seems happier and much more fun - easier - because of them.

It helps though that I don't feel that in becoming a mum I've lost my own identity. I've continued my career, have interests outside of being a parent. The balance occasionally gets out of kilter which can feel hard, but you just take steps to redress it, as you would in any other area of life.

And when I've had a tough day at work, there's nothing like their little arms around your neck to know that it really doesn't matter and tomorrow is another day.

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

No. Absolutely not. And anyone who makes you feel there is, frankly, should be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

I have never wanted kids, known since I was a kid myself. I am now 44 and I've never even had a moment's doubt. I know some very happy parents and I know some parents who if they had their time over again would not be parents.

It is what it is. It is YOUR life. No one else's.

It's a cliche but the worry never leaves you. It can literally drive you crazy. Stuff happens to your child and it's simply unbearable. But you have to hold it together. Sometimes your body and mind break.
Would I wind back the click 23 years? Absolutely not

The honest truth?

It's completely unlike anything I set myself up to expect. We live in a society with a manufactured culture of motherhood, and it was, and still is, very strange to realise that culture has very little bearing on my actual experiences of having a child.

The truth is that you have a little person in your house that, in the early days, needs a lot of support in terms of basic needs and learning basic skills. Beyond that, you can't really guarantee anything; it's pretty much an unknown what your experience will be.

And, of course, there's nothing wrong with not wanting children. All I would say is to be sure what it is exactly that you don't want. A number of my child free friends confused the culture of motherhood with having a child, and in the rejection of the former inadvertently rejected the latter, without realising their experience could be radically different.

you honestly have never known a love like the love you will feel for your child, almost as if the rest of the world fades to black and white.

That doesn't sound very appealing to me, actually?

I have always had a strong desire to have children and I always wished to have a big-ish family (4 to 6 children). I have four DC so have been incredibly fortunate. Had I never had those desires, I imagine having a shock/surprise pregnancy at any stage in my life would have devastated me. I also would have found parenting far more challenging in those circumstances. As it stands I always wanted my children for as long as I can remember so, whilst not without it’s challenges, I love being a Mother.

That may sound like sentimental nonsense but what I was basically aiming at is never feel pressured into it and don’t just do it because you feel like you have to in order to fit some societal norm. Parenting is without doubt the toughest thing I’ve ever done, it’s much harder than my career. I couldn’t have done it without the natural instinct to have my children.

It's a tug of war between craving adult time but then wanting them to be there, it's weird .

There's not anything wrong with you.

But even if there were, having children would not fix it!
Going from
"I don't have a child, I don't want children, there must be something wrong with me"
to
"I had a child, I still don't really want children, there must be something wrong with me"
would make your life worse, not better.

I never wanted kids, actually I didn't even like children, and a surprise discovery that I was pg turned my world upside down.

That said 9 years later, I wouldn't be without her, so much so that we even had another one.

Yes they are hard work, and there are times when you're tired but they're not, or you want to grieve, but you need to support your children in their grief, when you've spent hours cooking their favourite meal just for them to inform you they no longer eat that (despite eating it a week ago). They make you want to pull your hair out, they'll drain every last ounce of energy you have.

BUT when they take your hand, because no one else can comfort them, or despite not falling asleep on you for years and being far too big to actually fit on your lap they cuddle into you and fall asleep, your heart grows 2 sizes. They'll make you feel so much joy and pride, you'll defend them to the ends of the earth, and heaven help anyone who hurts them.

Yes they're hard work, more than hard work, but the love you feel is like nothing else you'll ever experience. And remember I say that as someone who didn't want kids.

It's a tug of war between craving adult time but then wanting them to be there, it's weird .

IMO what id like is for them to be there but old enough to talk about interesting things.

I never grew up wanting children. An accident at 16 put an end to that. Looking back I wasn't a 'good enough' parent and I feel extreme guilt over it. I then had a planned child aged 32 and the experience was compleatly different.

Do I regret having either of them? No. Would I have like them to pop out aged 11? Totally.

Parenting is boring, mundane and a thankless task with several wonderful feelings and highlights thrown in to keep hooked.

My daughter is only 15 months so can't give the biggest insight into motherhood as I've only experienced the first year.

But, I've found it absolutely life changing. I didn't expect it to. I'm young and hadn't been in a relationship long and DD was a surprise. I loved kids but it was always a 'when I'm married in 10 years' thing. But since she happened she's just changed my life completely. She's an absolute blessing. I think part of the reason I value her so much is because I suspected I was infertile or would struggle to have a baby.

That's not to say she's always perfect. I found the lack of sleep hard. And she's started having tantrums now which we have to deal with VERY CALMLY (through gritted teeth). But she's absolutely hilarious, rubs her head against your knee when she wants a cuddle, has a little doll she loves to carry and kiss. She sings songs and claps and runs around like a mad thing. I can't believe the joy having a child has brought and I know it's not for everyone and other people's experiences can be very different but that's just mine.

Even though I had infertility issues I was never broody. I never had that empty yearning feeling that only a baby could fulfil, and was quite ambivalent about having children. Then I suddenly got pregnant at 41, and the change in my lifestyle was massive.

“I never knew how much love I’m capable of until he popped out”

I agree. Unless you are a parent you cannot know what this feels like. I love DD to bits, but I haven’t always enjoyed being a parent. My life is different now – not better and not worse, just different.

When DD was a few weeks old she developed a potentially serious health issue so we were practically housebound for the first year. Our second home was the (brilliant) children’s hospital, and I found the first year stressful and often quite boring. The double whammy of loss of freedom from having a baby and the health issues was very hard to get used to.

“Mothers are programmed to love their children unconditionally and you will never feel such intense love, which also means that you are vulnerable to constant anxiety about them and potentially extreme pain. So there is joy and potential sorrow, often opposite sides of the same coin.”

You have put that so well @Vivaldi1678. That is exactly how it is for me. We have had a few serious health issues with DD, fortunately all resolved or under control. At secondary school I have supported her through friendship issues, bullying relationship issues, mental health issues, exam stress – OMG the stress of GCSEs and A levels. I am glad I have only had to go through this only once. In my experience the primary school years were the easiest for us.

“We spend too much time focusing on 'what ifs' rather than 'aren't I lucky to'.”

This ^^ is so true.

“I know a LOT of parents with the attitude that they "can't wait until their child is X years old/an adult so they can get their life back"

Because some parents don’t enjoy parenthood as much as you, or find it really hard.

“And the really brutal truth is that whilst I love being a mum, it is challenging and rewarding in equal measures, I don't find it particularly fulfilling.”

Neither do I @Belleende

“But to say they have ‘given your life meaning’ is quite sad, or seems so to a childfree person. All our lives have meaning. Maybe from a personal perspective you didn’t realise yours till you had children and that’s ok. But our lives aren’t pointless till/unless we procreate.”

Well said @chestylarue52

TBH I think that having a selfish, adult life for over 20 years before having DD made the transition to parenthood much harder for me.

See, everyone is different. I LOVED the tiny baby stage, despite the sleeplessness - they were so dependent but so entirely cute and I wasted hours just staring at them and loving every little thing they did.
But I was an older mum - I'd done most of the things I wanted to (except grape picking in France, missed out on that) and it was the Next Step for me to become a mum.
I love them now too but I find them much more frustrating now they can fight back. And DS1 is heading into puberty which is going to be challenging!

A neighbour of mine had 3 boys - she said she wished she'd never had 3 boys. She'd rather have stuck at 1, especially as nos. 2 and 3 had behavioural issues. Of course she loved them all, but given the choice to go back, she'd have stopped at 1.

My kids are in their forties and fifties now and I love them dearly and we have a lot of fun together.

However, though I always loved them, I hated being a mother to young children and have always envied those of my friends who didn.t have children.

I am still not interested in young children and if I had my time again I would not have children.

There's absolutely nothing wrong in not wanting kids! I have 2 dd 12 and ds 9. First was a bit unexpected. I didn't cope well at all, pnd huge stress on my marriage...which continues to this day unfortunately. I never fitted into the mum world baby groups etc when they were little...and felt very lonely.

However I love love love being mum to older kids. Am in my element. We go out and do loads of fun stuff together, we go hiking, open water swimming all sorts. 😊.

The hardest thing now to be honest is having to keep a brave face on...I'm very stressed with work and my extended family at the mo. But have to keep on keeping on as don't want them to see me upset.

I wrote this when my ds was a year old and for me it sums up the feelings I had. The love is so intense it's almost a yearning feeling.

I remember holding my newborn son curled against my chest and thinking I never wanted the newness to go away, I wanted to be able to hold him like that forever. Every time he learns something new it's an absolute joy though, I go between being excited to see his next step to wanting time to slow down so I can better savour the moment.

I also copied this from a book (can't remember the name) when he was a baby as I though it was beautifully put.

"I understood why a mother would starve herself to feed a baby; how there was always time and room for a child to curl close to her side; how she could be soft enough to serve as a pillow and strong enough to move heaven and earth."

Having a child is the most terrible mistake I've ever made. My daughter is 2 and I just don't love her. I resent her and hate my life now.

I don’t like other people’s children. Never have and never will. I pretend to and make all the right noises. I love my own.

I have a toddler so it’s pretty tough and I hated the baby stage but every month it gets better and better.

I personally find parenthood 80% shit and 20% good but the good by far makes up for the shit.

@Cornishmumofone have you sought help for your feelings?

6onTheHappyFarm love your reply

Cornishmumofone do you have some support.

Horrific and wonderful...sometimes at the same time.
But it’s not for everyone....your life, your choice x

There is nothing wrong with you. I had a friend who always said she would never have children and she is currently pregnant. You may never have a change of heart or you may meet someone and it may all fall into place.
Being a parent is hard and stressful, it is genuiunly the most difficult thing I have ever done, but I wouldn't change a thing, hearing them say I love you and when they are snuggling into you makes everything worth it.