The truth about having kids

[WheninWinsteria]

I'm in my mid thirties - I am currently single and have no children.

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and friend's children, but I have no desire to have my own. I have recently stopped seeing someone as he was desperate for a baby.

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids. Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

[Caprisunorange]

It’s not as hard as people
Tell you

[IcedPurple]

just don't let fear of the bad bits put you off the whole thing.

Speaking for myself, even the 'good' bits don't sound that great.

[1wokeuplikethis]

My children are precious and I adore them and miss them whenever we are apart.

My body is creaky and saggy and my looks disappeared with my first. I look like a melted candle with a fat nose on top and I’m just 33.

You never get any quality sleep in the amount you would like & actually need. Your house looks like a bomb site. Your life revolves around school runs, cooking meals they will eat that are healthy (haha!), cleaning, the laundry never ends. You never watch what you want on telly except for 2 hours in the evening. You have to know everything for all their questions, always be kind and patient even when you’re ill or knackered because the guilt if you snap is unbearable. My car is a tip we hardly have any holidays. I have no idea what’s fashionable any more. You constantly worry about them; are they ok, are they safe at school, are you shaping them into being good people, are they healthy are they learning about being a human well but not being pushed too hard.

They are 5 and 2. They are a joy and a pleasure and a marvel. But there’s my honest truth.

[speakout]

I have never been short of sleep with my kids.

Perhaps very occasionally if they were ill, but literally only a couple of nights.

Plenty of 30 years olds have saggy bodies even without kids.

I have a 6 pack , I have two kids and in my 50s.

[Fishandthechips]

It is brilliant in so many ways but there are always times where I think to myself 'this would be so much easier without kids'. This week particularly as both me and dh have had norovirus and both children have had bad coughs. We dont have many relatives that can help and its been hard.
My ds also has suspected ASD which beings other difficulties. I wouldnt change it for the world and if I had to choose again I would choose the same but its not often all that much like in the films!

[Fantastiqueangel]

I think it depends. Personally I think one is a very different ball game to two or more. No bickering or different needs and wants. Also depends on how much you have to work and how stressful your job is.

[TheFaerieQueene]

Firstly, no one has any right to comment on your reproductive choices, family or not.

I have one DC who is now an adult with a good job and recently bought his first home. I am very proud of him. We have a very good and close relationship.
Do I wish I had more children? No. I am not a natural mother and I found it a slog. I did everything for him willingly, but I feel I missed out on lots of opportunities in my 20’s and 30’s.

My immediate family and my husband’s immediate family (my DH isn’t my son’s father) don’t have children - except for my DC. The large majority of our friends don’t either. Perhaps we are not the norm.

My advice, do what makes you happy now.

[IcedPurple]

you honestly have never known a love like the love you will feel for your child, almost as if the rest of the world fades to black and white.

That doesn't sound very appealing to me, actually?

@Trills

This is exactly how I feel. A lot of people on threads like this post about the intensity of the love you feel for your child, 'a love like no other' and so on. While I'm sure that's true for them, like you I don't really get the appeal. It sounds suffocating, scary and claustrophobic to me.

As I said above, for some of us it's not just about the lack of sleep or the tantrums. Even the 'good' parts of parenthood simply don't sound all that great.

[dementedma]

to add another layer I have no desire to be a grandmother either. I'm 54. many of my friends are already delighting in being called "granny" or "nanny" and now that dd2 is getting married, I'm getting all the "bet you can't wait to be a granny" comments. Seriously? I've done 27 years of child raising so far - I plan to spend my freedom when it arrives, NOT being around babies and I dont care who they belong to. Fortunately dd and her fiance have no desire to breed so long may that last.
My best friend has just received a second grandchild. She has become grandchild obsessed and every conversation revolves round them. it's utterly dull and all the interesting things we used to chat about have just disappeared from her vocabulary to be replaced with "L did this...and L did that...and look at this cute photo of L..etc"
I couldnt be less interested. I love my friend dearly but really not that bothered about her bloody grandchild's potty training!

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

I never wanted children. All through my teens, twenties, thirties - not a twinge of yearning. I’ve looked after children for friends and family, changed nappies, dealt with tantrums, played games, cuddled them and tucked them in at night - still don’t want any of my own and now, approaching my fifties, I am totally happy with that. It took a while to meet a DP on the same page but I am so glad I never gave in, because I think I would not have enjoyed motherhood at all. Life can be satisfying and fulfilling in many different ways and I don’t think I have missed out.

[Sipperskipper]

I love DD (18 months) so much, and as I posted before, I really enjoy motherhood. However, I really don’t understand when people say things like, ‘you don’t know love until you have a child,’ or, ‘there is no love like it,’ and other similar things.

I love DD like I love DH and my parents. I don’t feel like it’s some amazing, overpowering love or anything like that- she is just a lovely, funny, interesting addition to our family, and we just all have a lot of fun together.

There are things that definitely make it easier for us though - we only have one, we are comfortable financially, I am able to work very part time, and she is a joy to be around (and sleeps like a champion!). I may well have found motherhood less enjoyable if any of these factors were different.

[Knittink]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids! It's expensive and restricts your freedom. Also you can't know in advance if you will have easy kids or not.

I have no regrets though. I've been very lucky so far. Mine are 10 and 13 and have been a piece of cake as kids go. I'm a teacher, so I know only too well how lucky I am. Also I'm not someone who wants a big social life, so I don't feel too restricted.

[DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy]

It's hard work, yes, but it was something I always wanted, and motherhood makes me really happy, there are so many moments of love and joy every day. Don't do it if you don't want to, though!

[Finley03]

So I need some help on where I stand please 😫😊 I’ve been separated from the father of my child for over 2 years now and all I have had is grief, I left the relationship because alcohol was more important than his son and me, I have allowed access on regular weekends but this seems to be a problem because his drinking is still excessive, he was once so drunk in his van about to drive my son home I’ve had to go and collect him from new girlfriends as he has been to drunk last weekend again he bought a bottle of vodka and I got sent a picture of him with a friend with an empty bottle very drunk. Well I have now stopped contact as this is getting too much now it isn’t right or fair on my son I’ve had so many abusive and death threats only a few days ago he hopes that I die!! I’m also pregnant and due my baby in 3 weeks. So can I stop contact just like that or do I need to contact someone or is their some one on here that can advise me on what’s best or who to get in contact with please I’m at the end of my tether with it all 😫 and this post probably doesn’t even make sense now as I’ve ranted so much, I do apologise in advance 🤣 thank you 😊

[GreenMeerkat]

There is nothing at all wrong with not wanting children! It's a huge life decision and a very personal choice.

For me, I love being a mu, I genuinely enjoy it. BUT it's so, so hard and literally consumes your entire life. If that is the life you want then great, if not then there is nothing wrong with that.

[Deadringer]

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, that sums up my life when the children were small, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Some people just aren't into children, there is nothing wrong with that and if I am honest I don't really like other people's kids very much. I never had a yearning to have kids but I always just assumed that I would have them, and I am so glad I did. My beloved brother died recently and my mum is terminally ill, and I can honestly say that if I didn't have DC I would have nothing left in my life worth living for. I don't mean that I am suicidal, i am not, but it has been such a difficult time that the only thing that could get me up and going every day is that my DC love and need me. I do have a life, I have a job and friends and a wider family circle but none of it would mean diddly squat at the moment if I didn't have my DC.

[wishywashy6]

I was never desperate to have kids, I'm not sure I'd have ever reached the point where I was broody for them to be honest but my now ex husband wanted the whole family life so I went along with it.
Absolutely no regrets, love them to pieces and they're my world but there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting to have them.

My sister is the same as you, 32 years young and adamant that she never wants kids. As far as she's concerned she wants to live her life for herself, nobody else. In some ways I envy that but on her other hand, I can't imagine life without my kids now

You asked what it's like to have them? Well....

• They're incredibly hard work (yes totally worth it but I mean like, incessantly hard work, especially when you're on your own with them!)
• they question you about everything. I mean everything. Then they question your answers. Then they repeat themselves. Again. Every day.
• they need their arses wiping at really inconvenient times^

-^ they're always sticky

• you're no longer you. You're Mummy. You're the fountain of all knowledge (except when they decide you're not and you know nothing) your clothes are used as tissues, your hair as a comfort blanket. You're their nurse, teacher, chef, maid, taxi, clown and everything in between
• you'll rarely get anywhere on time ever again
• if you do get anywhere on time you'll probably have weetabix in your hair
• I'd recommend trying to go about a normal day with 12 goats and a baby orangutan just to get a feel of what life with a toddler is like
• you get to the end of each day and remember it's all to do again tomorrow

I wouldn't have it any other way, but I totally understand those who choose not to!

[notsurewhatshappening]

Having children is relentless, frequently boring and emotionally and physically draining but worth it for me. I love being a family unit going for a walk in the woods or to the beach. Doing fun things with them which I enjoyed as a child. Seeing them learn. Dressing them in cute clothes and letting them become little people with their own personalities
We don't have family close by and DH works internationally quite a lot bit I'm lucky to work part time and we have a good network of friends. That helps a lot.

[Ubertasha2]

Hi Winsteria, single late 30s person here, who’s never ever had any desire whatsoever to reproduce, and has many friends who are the same!

There is nothing wrong with you, also nothing wrong with people who like and or want kids.

I have one friend with two kids who she loves dearly but never thought about aiming for when she was young, free and single! Great kids, and I get to hand the, back at the end of a chat. I do sometimes think what if I regret it when I’m in my 50s etc, but I personally couldn’t handle the responsibility, expense and worry. I know I’d want a daughter and wouldn’t want to bring them into this world with those horrid men out there. And I am petrified of pregnancy and childbirth, let alone nappies, breastfeeding and being woken up by screaming!

We are all different. I have never felt any maternal instinct towards anything human, but I do feel it towards my dear little dog who I share with a family member. Horses for courses!

[Noloudnoises]

Other people's children are rubbish. Your own are wonderful.

You will never know tiredness like it.

Getting away from them feels AMAZING.

But they are properly so much fun.

You will laugh more then you ever have before. And cry more!

I was on the fence and did it because husband really wanted to and I thought I'd get to 45/50 and regret it.

[Sowhatifidosnore]

One thing to remember is that you don’t have to like children to love your own kids. I have many friends who didn’t really like or see the point of children until they had their own.

[TheDarkPassenger]

They’re like my little besties. Having friends who live in the house. Always having someone in the house to talk to. The absolute immeasurable love you find yourself having and receiving. Always someone to have fun with, be silly with, play games with, watch films with. Infinite cuddles on tap (until they get older). Big family dinners together. Magical christmases. Looking at them and seeing a perfect blend of you and the one you love.

Don’t get me wrong, I treasure my own time and space and I sound like a big cheesy idiot but it’s all true.

Downsides are: they will slowly suck your bank balance away. They eat like fucking crazy. Nothing is sacred and nowhere is untouched. They help with housework but it won’t be as you intended it.

I did not want children, then I got pregnant and now there’s three of them!

[ILoveHumanity]

I was not sure , if I wanted kids.

I enjoy children but I felt such a sacrifice and life full of hardship

I had mine while battling myself during pregnancy

I loved him moment he came out

My life is better every day with him

Nothinnnnng in this world is more meaningful

I never knew how true those cheesy things are m until I felt them

[StormcloakNord]

I love DD more than I thought I could ever love a human.

But holy fuck it's hard. It's hard, it's inconvenient, its annoying. It's tiring and it's boring. Having to scrape together the energy to deal with your kids when all you want to do is flop on the sofa and watch a TV programme sucks. I'm so lucky I have an amazing DH who is mega involved and makes it a 50/50 task.

I'm sure as she gets older it'll get easier and less tiresome but right now, I'm not sure I'd do it again given the option.

[Trills]

It's probably true that you don't have to like other people's kids to like your own.

But if you have one of your own, you will find yourself having to spend a lot more time with other people's children than you would otherwise.