The truth about having kids

[WheninWinsteria]

I'm in my mid thirties - I am currently single and have no children.

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and friend's children, but I have no desire to have my own. I have recently stopped seeing someone as he was desperate for a baby.

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids. Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

I'm mid 30s and don't have kids. Never wanted them. No maternal feeling has ever surfaced, no biological clock has chimed.

It's been a sticking point in past relationships and I have had people assure me, quite forcefully, that I'll change my mind. I am very happy as I am; I do not think I am lesser as a woman, or don't have a purpose in life. If you're not totally, completely sure that you want children, don't have them.

Of course there isn't anything wrong with you for not wanting kids. There are no right or wrong answers to this question.

I have one DC and no regrets at all. For me, being a parent has been fantastic. The first year was very challenging, mainly because of the sleep deprivation, but even then, I loved my maternity leave and having a small baby. To be honest, I have loved each and every stage, including the teenage years, where we are now.

A lot of people say that it's the most difficult thing they have ever done. I respect that point of view but that hasn't really been my experience. There are challenges, obviously, in trying to be the best parent that you can be, but overall, I don't find it a slog. That may be because I only have one child, or because I have an "easy" cold, or perhaps a combination of those factors.

I do find being a parent immensely rewarding. In many ways, DD is what gives my life meaning and purpose. She fills me with pride and brings joy to the everyday routine that might otherwise start to become a little humdrum. She makes me laugh until my tummy hurts and hugging her gives me a sense of absolute peace and calm that I don't find anywhere else.

I think I'd give up virtually any aspect of my life or experience before I'd give up being a parent. I wouldn't change it for the world.

It might sound awful, but I'm not interested in other people's children. I will be kind and pleasant to them, but I'm not interested in looking after other children at all. I very rarely feel anything for these children.

My own dd though, is a whole other kettle of fish. I want to be around her, I love spending time with her. I want to do everything I can to make her feel happy and loved and that does not go away even when it gets tough. I love cuddling her more than anyone in the whole world (sorry dh) and when she is not with me I miss her.

She is 5 now, and we have another one on the way. I have no doubt I will feel the same about the next one. So much of it is biological instinct to me. There are tough times when they push boundaries and play you up, but for me there has never been a moment when I thought I cannot do this anymore. I have instead thought at the end of the day that it was hard, and I will try again tomorrow. Giving up just isn't an option and it is 100% worth it to me.

Nothing wrong with you. I love my DD so much it hurts (despite hating kids in general), but if i had to make the choice again i dont think i'd have children. Its the paranoia that gets me, the constant lowlevel worrying which i know for a fact will never go away. What the fuck am i going to do if she's in love with a guy who beats her up, for e.g.

It's also made life 1000x more difficult now im a single mum. I'm scuppered with so many jobs and houses because of having a child. Makes me ferl very optionless, and aswell as that paranoia i have the guilt that im failing her.

I don't think having kids has given my life 'meaning'.

"[Children] are a huge source of joy but they turn every other source of joy to shit"
Quoted by Jennifer Senior in a 2010 story she wrote for New York magazine

Supposing there is something wrong with you that means you don't want kids( I don't believe, that, but just supposing) is that any reason to have them?

I didn't want kids. DS was an accident when I was 32 (he is now 13). I wouldn't change a thing but I still have no interest in anyone else's small children. They bore the pants off me. DS bored the pants off me when he was small lol! We have good fun though and I love him so much.
Nobody should feel obliged to have kids. I'm so not maternal. If I hadn't slipped up I would be happily childless.

If you don't want them - if your questioning is because you think it's something you 'should' want somehow - don't have them.

I think many, many people, women in particular, have had children because it was 'what you do' and, because women have historically and still do bear the main burden, have regretted it bitterly and in many cases offloaded that regret on their children. 'Every child a wanted child' is one of the key principles of the pro-choice movement.

I have children, I wanted them, I don't regret it. There has been and is much that is utterly wonderful about being a mother. And some very, very hard things as well. If you go ahead without your heart in it and then at some point realise that you have been collectively pushed into it, that would be a terrible thing, I think, for you and your children.

I love having a busy family, I love watching them grow and develop and learn, I love taking them places, I never had the sense of restriction and loss of freedom a lot of people find when they have children, even though dh and I don't go out together without them, much less have child-free holidays etc. I have a big spread of ages and that is challenging, but seeing the sibling relationship is wonderful. I worry a lot about them negotiating the world and there is a lot of truth in the saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. But my parenthood is the guiding force of my lifestyle and decisions. And that's fine. But I am not you and you are not me. You might be horrified at the life I lead.

I really, really enjoy it. DD is 18 months and it is lovely. I love watching her learn, develop, and enjoy things. I feel like it has opened my world up a bit - only in small ways, but I love just slowing down and enjoying things with her like stepping in puddles (for hours!) and going down a slide at the park.

Some times are harder than others - illness / teething make things tough, but 80% of the time it is just brilliant.

DD wasn’t really planned - I was unsure about children (although married and settled) and my method of tracking ovulation didn’t quite work out! Had it not have happened like this, we probably would still be thinking about it, feeling unsure. I’m so glad it did though, because she is an absolute joy.

I love my kids, but if I had my time over I wouldn’t have any. They’re hard work and in my experience that work falls on women far more than men. It’s destroyed my marriage and I feel like I’ve lost the last decade of my life with no end in close reach.

The semantics of it is quite interesting.

I think it’s ok to say that children have ‘given me meaning in my life’ or ‘feels like a meaningful thing to do’.

But to say they have ‘given your life meaning’ is quite sad, or seems so to a childfree person. All our lives have meaning. Maybe from a personal perspective you didn’t realise yours til you had children and that’s ok. But our lives aren’t pointless til/unless we procreate..

It's mainly thankless drudgery that you sacrifice your mind, body, soul and money for. Yet it somehow seems worth it?

Pros: you will never get to have any relationship quite like it in another way. And it’s an awesome experience.

Cons: very full on especially in the early years. Not much time for other stuff. Makes it difficult to just up sticks whenever you feel like.

It is a door opening and other doors closing. It’s nice behind the door but hard work and lots of responsibility.

chestylarue52 I still kind of feel pointless tbh, I mean a bunch of teenagers could probably do a better job raising my kids than me, I’m not good at anything else either, really not sure what I “value add” to the world.

We waited until our late thirties to have our first child. This meant that we’d pretty much led quite indulgent lives before then - travelling as much as we wanted and (at least for me) getting as far in our careers as we wanted and generally enjoying life without too many responsibilities. This meant, for us, when we had our son we were happy to devote pretty much all our time and resources towards him without feeling like we are missing out or pining for our old lives. Up until around aged 36 I didn’t really see myself having children, but something shifted and I’m glad it did - as although it is hard and exhausting sometimes, it is hands down the best thing I ever did :)

There is nothing wrong at all with not wanting children though! I have a few friends that are childless through choice and they are living perfectly happy fulfilled lives. So don’t feel pressured into having children if it is not the right path for you. I think the fact you are questioning it probably means it is not for you right now.

I am 37 and also do not want children, despite adoring my nieces and really loving being an auntie.

I think it's natural to question your decision as it's such a big one. For me, the most compelling "proof" of my resolve is I think that if I were told I couldn't have children I would feel relief, rather than sadness.

Whereas I think if there were a part of me that wanted them that wouldn't be the case.

Some of the earlier posts about time for hangovers and children not being for the selfish are a bit judgey! People who are childfree don't usually stay perpetual teenagers.
I made a conscious decision not to have children due to an abusive childhood and lack of biological clock. I couldn't take the risk of having children and not wanting them as that's a running theme in my family that hasn't worked out too well!

There is a societal pressure that makes you feel you're missing something if you don't have an innate desire to have kids - then I read an article about the 'takes a village to raise a child' idea that for humans it's biological sense that some of us don't have our own as we help the species in other ways.

Having kids has been the best part of my life. I am very grateful to people who choose not to, as I know that having 3 kids, as I did, is a very selfish choice on my part. There are too many people on the planet already!

i know a lot of people without children hate this phrase but you honestly have never known a love like the love you will feel for your child, almost as if the rest of the world fades to black and white.

Yet, the pain and guilt being a parent brings is also as intense.

I adore my 2 kids and yet also have a job and a committed sports training regime which i love, so my life does go on and i'm still me underneath the mum label, however it is hard

The bits I thought would be hard aren't..sleep etc. I don't get much but hey ho.

What I find hard is the constant dear and guilt, never knowing if I am doing the right thing, wanting them to be happy and secure above all else. Those feelings are overwhelming for me.

I think it is amazing and wonderful that there is a choice. The pill only became available to unmarried women in 1967.

Having a choice brings its own complications: if/when to have children. Choices which our forebears didnt have/get to make.

We have 4 children - I always wanted kids and now they're here I love being a mother and would never be without them. However I'm painfully aware that it's a pretty selfish choice given the exploding world population and the state of the environment.

Rationally, not wanting children is far more sensible and unselfish, it's just our genes (and our culture) telling us that it's in any way weird not to want them.
Like others have said - it can be the best thing you've ever done, but only if you really want it.

Everyone's experiences will be different.

I love being a mum, I find it really fulfilling and love ds more than I could imagine. However I always knew I wanted children, I have a supportive husband and plenty of spare cash.
Yes I would sometimes like more sleep but I think I went into it with my eyes open and have realistic expectations. If you go into it thinking your child will sleep through at 12 weeks, never get ill and never have a tantrum then you're in for a shock.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I have two dcs, teens now.
I was longing for children when I was early 30s. I wanted 3, I had 2.

The reality for me is

• less opportunities to do what you want (in my case, grow my business etc...)
• shattered all the time
• stress right up there. There is always something you worry about. I can’t even say ‘small children, small problems’ either.
• constantly feeling I have to keep so many plates up in the air and not quite managing/dropping some plates from time to time.
• money, money....

That’s for the hard side. On the plus side

• I really really wanted children. There was a longing in me that didn’t calm down until I had Dc1 and then Dc2.
• I’ve learnt a hell of a lot thanks to them. And I know I am a better person thanks to them (but I also think this should nit be their ‘role’ iyswim)
• the more they are becoming adults, the more I enjoy being with them, appreciate their ideas, their talents, who they are.
• I love my dcs, would do anything for them, am sacrificing a lot for them just now. They are always coming first and foremost.

Tbh, if it was to do all again, I’m not sure I would....
I don’t regret it at all. But there is no doubt that it is hard work (Tbh also probably made harder work by my own circumstances too)

Am child free by choice- considered for about a week having a child by myself when I was single but I know they are not for me. I love my independence, financial comfort and freedom. I am also pleased that things are changing so you can now express these views openly as I felt I had to justify it for years.

It's the best of times and the worst of times.