The truth about having kids

[WheninWinsteria]

I'm in my mid thirties - I am currently single and have no children.

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and friend's children, but I have no desire to have my own. I have recently stopped seeing someone as he was desperate for a baby.

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids. Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

[dementedma]

i have three - two adult and one teen - and to be brutually honest if I had my time over I wouldnt have kids.

Use your freedom to travel, have a great career, do the things that YOU want to do and enjoy life. That's what I would do second time round.

[AndromedaPerseus]

I have 3dc 17, 14, 11. Each stage of childhood has its joys and hardships. When they’re babies and toddlers it’s physically very hard and relentless but they are so cute. Teenagers test you psychologically pushing those boundaries to the limit but I love seeing the glimpses of the adults they will become. Honestly the 17 years seem to have in a blink of an eye and overall I am so glad I decided to have children.

[Adversecamber22]

Having dc means you can experience the greatest joy and love available in the world.

It also means you can experience the worst pain imaginable in the world. My lovely DD died five years ago, it totally destroyed me in a way that cannot be explained nor understood however kind people are and however much they want to help or understand. Seeing my Sons distress at his sisters death was also pain on a level I didn't know existed.

[Dilemmamamma]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3267778-Anybody-else-ever-think-this-honestly

[Dilemmamamma]

I've had 2 x DC who are now well beyond the baby stage - lots of reasons what I'm glad I did have DC, lots of reasons why I wish I hadn't. I wasn't fussed about other people's kids before I had my own. I wasn't havening mega 'I want a baby' cravings in my mid 30s. My sister and her partner haven't had any (through choice). Her reason is seeing how hard it has been for me and our parents who still have problems with our brother will into adulthood - he causes a lot of grief and unhappiness for them. It has to be right for you but my tip would be not to focus on a 'baby' - the baby part is very short. You have a lifetime of a young person whoich can be amazing and wonderful or can be a nightmare or a mixture of both!

[wondering1101]

I am so sorry Adversecamber.

[Perfectpeony]

When my baby girl smiles at me it is the best feeling in the world.

Now she’s here I honestly feel like my life would be pointless without her.

[Lizzie48]

I wasn't all that broody before I met my DH, but I never thought about not having a baby once I married him, and I knew he definitely wanted them.

Then I didn't get pregnant and this was devastating. I went through one failed cycle of IVF, then was told I only had a 1-5% chance of having a healthy baby through IVF so we gave up. We chose to adopt, went through the process and now have 2 DDs of 9 and 6, who are birth sisters.

Our lives have changed completely, DD1 is very challenging because of her adoption related SN, and DD2 is a very strong-willed little girl who will argue the toss on literally everything.

Do I ever wish I had made different choices? No, I don't. I miss my pre kids life sometimes (DD1 came to us when I was 40, she was 1 year old then), but I wouldn't go back to it now. And the relationship I have with both my DDs makes it all worthwhile. DD2 says things like 'You're the best mummy in the whole wide world' and that melts my heart. It's harder with DD1, but it's about 'baby steps' and her happiness at seeing me after a school day is very special.

But if you don't want children, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. As a PP has said, it's part of who you are. It's far better to know you don't want DC and not to have them than to have them and resent them afterwards.

[ShotsFired]

One of my sisters had several kids at very young age, because she knew they wanted to be a mum, just knew.

I spent my late teens and early twenties feeling a bit like you (I think?) - like I should want them, but I never had any urge at all.

When pp on here speak of "wonder and joy" at seeing their children grow and learn, or that a small child is just the most amazing company, I am completely "meh" about it. I can't see how a 7 year old can be that persistently entertaining or interesting tbh. And I'm not sure I have the patience to deal with the repetitive tedium of life with small children. I loved being an aunt (still do) but that doesn't equal to wanting my own brood!

I say all this not to slight parents at all, but to tell you that it's perfectly, 100% ok not to want children, and/or not feel the maternal urge - and ts also ok to actively NOT want or shudder at the thought of parenthood. It's honestly fine. Society won't condemn you (mostly), and the sky won't fall in. As pp say, unless you are really sure, it's too much of a gamble to take.

[speakout]

It's interesting to read of other's experiences.

For me motherhood has been a hugely transformative experience.

I have been changed irrevocably by having children.
Aspects of my personality have been opened up, explored more deeply, new ways of thinking have happened.
And that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I am stronger, more patient, more tolerant, more appreciative than I was before kids.
I have learned the pleasures of the slow lane.
I have truly learned to see though the eyes of another human.
I have learned how to deal better with frustrating situations.
I have learned how to stand up and speak.
I value myself more.
My self esteem has strengthened.

When my children have flown the nest I won't go back to being the person I was before having children.
She is gone.
I am a new and improved model.

I feel privileged to have had the experience of motherhood.
In my twenties I didn't want children, in my early thirties I was ambivalent, in my late thirties I started yearning to be a mother.

I thank my lucky stars that I didn't let the opportunity pass.

[KittyWindbag]

For me it’s not the kids, it’s the relationship and what happens to it after kids.

I don’t regret my child and never would. And I love my husband very much. But having a baby put an enormous strain on our relationship. I can summon oceans of patience for my child, my husband annoys the living shite out of me on a regular basis. and if I met someone now In the position I was in about seven years ago; where I could have stayed or moved on, I’d encourage that person to move on. it’s the relationship that’s the thing which is hard. Not the kid. The kid you just fucking love even at their worst. The relationship is much trickier in my opinion.

[speakout]

KittyWindbag

Interesting.

For me having children has strengthened our relationship, deepened it to a whole new level.
We have the same goal, to nurture our children and support them as they develop into ( hopefully) successful individuals.

OH and I care more about each other since having children.

[Eatmycheese]

Yes they are hard work well, perhaps that's the wrong turn of phrase. They are overwhelming and your life will never be the same again. But never the same again in many wonderful ways.

But they are fabulous and I wouldn't be without my three for all the world. They are precious beyond measure.

@speakout that's a lovely post and I totally agree

[speakout]

Eatmycheese

Thank you.

[FuzzyShadowChatter]

I don't think there is anything wrong or pointless about living a life without personally having kids. I have four kids and there are amazing times and particularly when they were all little it was quite hard and draining and I'm glad I had a supportive partner in that and that I've gained more supportive relationships over the years that, alongside them being older, has made it less hard and draining.

Personally, I think if you don't have a "hell yeah" about having kids, if you can see yourself happily going forward and growing without having kids, and if you don't have people happy to support you, then it will probably be harder and more difficult to find the joy in the hard times than it is for those people who do have those. It's not wrong or bad to have kids in those circumstances, but I do think it's more difficult and should be considered.

I think having kids is a very specific experience that can't really be compared to anything else, but I don't think that you can't have as great a love or joy or difficulties through other means, it would just be different.

[puppymouse]

I am better with other kids than I used to be pre DD but wouldn't choose to be around them. DD is my pride and joy. It doesn't matter how strict, grumpy or boring I am she has me firmly at the centre of her universe and whilst that's exhausting at times, it's a huge privilege and very rewarding.

[speakout]

Feelings towards other people's children is no indicator of how you may feel about your own.

[SerenDippitty]

I am stronger, more patient, more tolerant, more appreciative than I was before kids.
I have learned the pleasures of the slow lane.
I have truly learned to see though the eyes of another human.
I have learned how to deal better with frustrating situations.
I have learned how to stand up and speak.
I value myself more.
My self esteem has strengthened.

There are other ways of learning these things. Caring for a parent with dementia for example.

[speakout]

SerenDippitty

Yes, but I am telling it how it is for me.

I am a carer for an elderly parent.

I haven't found it a transformative process, learned some things yes, but nowhere near the intensity or profoundness of raising children.

[PrincessJuanita]

It's hard at times, the hardest thing is the relentlessness. They come first no matter what and that's a huge deal if you're ill or having a personal crisis or stressed at work. You have to get used to powering through when Pre-kids you'd have taken to your bed for a few days.
But.....
The flip side is the joy or watching them grow and develop and the times they make you want to burst with pride. The way you feel like you could fill a book with funny mum anecdotes and the fact that sometimes your life goes in a direction you never would have chosen, and it's wonderful. New job, relationship, friendships or hobbies.

Nobody should feel the have to have kids, if it's not for you then enjoy your life, just don't let fear of the bad bits put you off the whole thing.

[SerenDippitty]

I was a carer for a parent with dementia too. I learned a lot about myself from it heartbreaking though it was. Unlike having children it isn’t a situation anybody chooses.

I’d have liked to have children, wasn’t to be but I don’t consider myself an inferior person for not having had them.

[speakout]

SerenDippitty

No one is suggesting you are inferior.

[IcedPurple]

Definitely not for the selfish.

Oh lord not this again!

People have kids because they want them - at least in modern day UK. Look at the reasons people give for enjoying parenthood - it's so amazing, I get told I'm loved every day, I feel so proud of him etc. All of those sound pretty selfish to me. I don't mean that in a bad way - the reasons people like myself choose not to have children are equally selfish - but nobody asked for your babies, so please don't act as though you were 'selfless' to reproduce your genes.

[Vixxxy]

It's a tug of war between craving adult time but then wanting them to be there, it's weird

This for me too. And as near everyone else has said, nothing wrong with you OP. I had a lot of family pressure too actually as my little sister had a baby before me..and this seemed to set off the 'when are you settling down with a family' stuff.

[redoceanwave]

Of course there is nothing wrong with you.

What does it matter if people tell you it is great/shit having kids?

That is irrelevant to the fact that you just don't want them.