AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

But why? She will have left. People are just a bit taken aback by the OP’s sense of self-importance. If she was asking how to manage it for her kids, then fair enough. But to worry about other kids missing them? As a pp said, after a week they really won’t care. That is not me being a dick, just highlighting that most kids have more resilience than the OP seems to credit them with.

At primary school kokeshi? Some people are not very memorable, despite their over inflated sense of self importance. A lasting friendship does not have to begin at primary 😂

I hope you're not making as much fuss at home about this as you'll stress your kids out. Hands up we move a lot so I don't see the drama here, but think you're being way OTT even putting my experience aside. In my day you'd send your kids in with some packs of penguins to share with the class, give each other's addresses and that was that.

Op I think I understand what you're trying to achieve. You wanted an acknowledgment from school that your children are leaving. I understand it's disappointing that you won't get that, but I understand their point of view. Your children will have told their friends they are leaving and I'm guessing you will share your contact details. Making a bigger deal might make it feel more dramatic for them all.

Just write a few cards for friends and see what happens. I'm sure your children will get a few cards back etc.

I don't think you're being insulted. I think they are managing the situation differently to how you'd like. It's a bit thoughtless but not insulting.

My best friend moved away when I was in primary school. We stayed pen pals for a while but both moved on really quickly. I can't remember the school having any involvement.

Are you ok with this move, op? I'm wondering if you are projecting how you feel onto the children.

Fuck no, who the hell would still be friends with someone with whom you happened to share a primary school with unless both of you were so stuck in FOG that you didn't move out of your home towns after finishing school?

Jesus. And I thought the OP was a bit dramatic.

To answer your question, yes YABVU.

What I have noticed about the teachers I have come across is they are attentive to your child during the time they are their teacher but the moment DC walk out the door in July for the summer they don't give them a second thought. Teachers I had last year barely crack me a smile now despite never giving them a moments bother. You can expect your teachers and staff to be professional but you cannot expect them to be emotionally invested.

They are not going to do anything for your DC. Do something yourself. Have a party or big playdate. Get a blank teddy or T shirt and get their friends to sign it. Get a massive Christmas card and have the DC write in it. Create a nice memento.

You are being very unreasonable. I can't believe that this is a serious post.

I remember friends leaving suddenly at primary school. It didn't have any temporary or long lasting negative affect on me, it's just life

To give you a serious answer.

I’m glad the school don’t make a fuss.

My kids left their small rural school with no notice and no fuss. If there had normally been a fuss made it would have traumatised my kids more than they already were (abuse - we were moving away to be safe) and also traumatised the other kids in the class because it didn’t happen.

Could you think beyond your nice bubble and realise that it is a good idea to have this as a rule to minimise upset in traumatic situation. Please.

I'm sure the teacher will give a mention to the child tbh.

Often classes do little cards for the child too, but it seems like this might not happen here 🤷‍♀️

If I were you, I'd send the sweets in with a card for the class that can be read at at the end of the day to say goodbye. Let the teacher know you are doing this - it may well mean they decide to do a card too.

Kids do do little things themselves usually, like 'we'll let X choose the games today, because it's her last day'. Then everyone says goodbye and good luck and off they go.

I think it will actually go better than you think and yes, kids really do get over school moves really well.

"insulted my family" - self-centred much?

Seriously OP, you are over thinking this. But if you are "one of those" parents who is easily affronted and mortally insulted by things done for the greater good rather than the good of your child, the teachers are probably downplaying what they will do deliberately.

For what it's worth, a good teacher will not look to recreate within the classroom, and amongst the pupils, the drama and hysteria to be found amongst the parents in the playground when someone is leaving the school.

Btw I am no keyboard warrior - if I knew you I'd tell you to your face.

To answer your AIBU. Yes YABU - VERY.

OP I don't think your family have been insulted, but I do get how you feel a bit.

My DS who has aspergers wasn't diagnosed until year 4. In year 1 he had 3 friend, and it was no mean feat for him to have friend, trust me. One left the school as he moved out the area. One died (cancer) and at the end of year one his last friend was put in a different class. After that, he didn't get close to anyone. And when he was diagnosed, the psych at CAMHS said she wasn't suprised, because on top of aspergers, whoever he got close to left or died.

Now I'm not saying this is how every child reacts. But I'm neurotypical, and I remember being in primary and had a friend from Australia - she moved back to Australia. I had a friend from Indonesia, she went back there. I had 2 friends from Japan, they both eventually moved. My 2 sisters used to joke that everyone that was my friend was so desperate to get away from me they moved to the other side of the earth . But I knew beforehand that they were going so said my goodbyes, and one of my japanese friends and I were still writing to each other up until about 10 years ago (I'm 46 now). If one afternoon at hometime the class teacher announced that one of them wasn't coming back I'd have been quite gutted.

Yes it's true I got over my friends going because as a PP said, kids are resilient. But I think it would be nice if, a few days before said child was leaving the class knew, so they could make a card, or decide if they want to be penpals (or email/text buddies as the times have changed)

I think you've had a hard time here, but I think that's because you've used the word insulted. I don't think you're family has been insulted, but I also think it's a good thing to say goodbye as well.

notevenwithconsent I understand your point, and I think in your situation it was the best thing safety wise. I wouldn't have it as a general rule though - more that there are some circumstances where it's right that children aren't told someone is leaving.

I disagree onefoot. I’m looking at it from the point of view of MY kids and ifthere was usually a big fuss to have been made it would have been something else normal that they didn’t have.

Sorry - me again - one other thing that seems quite a double standard on here is that when kids leave year 6, and then secondary school, there's a massive show of signing each other shirts, tearful goodbyes etc. They've all known they were moving schools and saying goodbye to friends that might be going to another school/college and had time to say their goodbyes and keep in touch with the friends they want to. Why is it so different to someone moving school during the term?

There is probably a reason, but I've been up since 4.30am (not through choice, bloody insomnia) and my brain isn't functioning as well as it should be!

Sounds normal, you do children leave and start school all the time and that teachers have enough to do without pandering to parents demands.

Have you emailed the new school to see what is being done with the children there to prepare them for new students? After all, we don't want them traumatised do we.

It’s the whole class moving up to a different school. It’s done as a cohort. That’s the difference.

I don't think you're supposed to ask for the fuss to be made of you, when you leave.

I think people are supposed to want to do it for you, off their own bat.

noteven I see what you mean. Yes, that's hard enough for your kids when they're already been through such an upheaval, to think that they didn't get treated the same way as someone else would have. I'm sorry

“Insulting my family” That’s weird. Then you go on to write that you’re mostly concerned about how the other children, their classmates, will cope. Then you double down by writing that ‘though being mean and unhelpful don’t have kindness and compassion....’

Blimey your post sounds like someone has died .....

I’m really angry the more I re read the op.

I can’t say what I want to.

All I say is.

Op. You have little to worry about. Get. A. Life.

Sadly people come and go in life in various ways all the time.
In the military kids are often moved on every 2-3 years due to different postings.
If they made a big deal out of that then there would be farewells and cards flying around in forces schools daily.

Sometimes the best way to manage it is to accept that in the nicest way, you’re just not that important. It happens all the time.
Just arrange private farewells with close friends of yours and the children but other posters are right...
Friendship groups will shift after you have left and carry on. Children can be very fickle.
I can assure you, nobody will need any preparation to handle this.

I actually find that response weird.

I moved from City to village. That meant leaving school is been in for 7 years with friends to secondary (both areas used different systems then) where I knew no one by they'd been through primary together.

It was hard. That was back in the days of no mobiles and SM etc. It was only after adulthood when I reconnected with old friends via FB etc did we realise we'd missed each other and expressed our dismay at the sudden change in contact and loss of friendships.

I do think what you're expecting is maybe a bit much but I don't think recognising children are leaving and telling people is a big ask.