Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

"But the reality is, if a friend forgot your birthday each year for 10 years yes you’d be upset".

People have very different attitudes towards birthdays. If you forgot mine for 10 years in a row I wouldn't give a toss. Really I wouldn't. That said though, it is obviously important to this particular friend so I'd try and make the effort to remember for her sake. Though I'd also be taking a step back and thinking about this friendship in general after being given a row via text message. Is she often dramatic about things or is it just that she places a lot of importance on her birthday? If it's the latter, tattoo it on yer hand or something. If she's a drama queen though in general I'd be thinking whether this friendship was for me. That is just me though (as well as being disorganised and a bit flakey, I also hate confrontation).

You don’t give a damn but she does.

The fact that hers is on such a memorable date makes you appear f

How very childish of her. Surely she must have recognised by now that you don’t remember her birthday, for whatever reason, and there is no particular reason why you should suddenly start now - making a fuss about it is being dramatic and attention seeking in very odd way. Not sure what she hopes to achieve - a forced expression of affection or regard is worthless.

Frankly like you really don’t give a shit. That’s ok, you can chose that, but she’s shown you now it’s offended her, if you want to stay close friends just set a diary note.

It’s not the end of the world that you forget someone’s birthday TBF but I’m now utterly fascinated about why you feel happy to set up a moonpig birthday thing but you won’t put a reminder in your phone because you’re “crap at that kind of thing.”

If it’s any consolation OP, my DB’s birthday is on Christmas Day and I ALWAYS forget.

I think she’s probably just had enough after ten years!

So for ten years she has had a go at you, every year? That's not very nice. I have several friends who never send me a card, if they had a go at me I'm not sure I would want to be their friend.

Are you honestly telling us that you remember absolutely every other birthday/important date/commitment with no aid but it is just this one that you forget?

This! Where do you write down hair appointments, MOTs and dentists etc. I can’t handle the idea of you not using your phone, a diary or a calendar. It’s stressing me out!

YANBU not to give a crap about your own birthday, but for whatever reason your friend puts a lot of importance on this, so ten years of forgetting is a bit rubbish

Every solution people have suggested, you just say "I don't set reminders" or "I don't use a diary". So why the faux surprise when you forget stuff?

That’s bollocks though - someone suggested moonpig, I liked it and have since set a reminder for next year.

I’m not sorry I forgot her birthday! I’m sorry that my actions hurt her, even though I think she’s being childish. Fgs she messaged me about her boyfriend’s birthday 3 weeks before and the party she prepared and I called to see how it all went. She knows I care. And no I don’t appreciate the manner in which she told me off, as if she were a headmistress, but again I do value our friendship so I will make amends and it won’t happen again

I'm terrible with birthdays. I concentrate on remembering dc, dgc which is hard enough uanbu. If facebook doesn't tell me I'm fucked. My friends know I have other things going on. They also know when they come and stay I'll make sure they have a brilliant time. I'd apologise and offer to make it up to her. Somehow I feel you won't forget again 😉

Fgs she messaged me about her boyfriend’s birthday 3 weeks before and the party she prepared and I called to see how it all went.

So you absolutely know that birthdays matter hugely to her. Dunno why you've chosen to continue to miss hers. It would feel like it's deliberate, because you've been through this before. It seems like a passive aggressive thing you've been doing.

This! Where do you write down hair appointments, MOTs and dentists etc. I can’t handle the idea of you not using your phone, a diary or a calendar. It’s stressing me out!

I have a list on notes

It seems like a passive aggressive thing you've been doing.

It’s really not!

You say that her 'going on and on about it' had pushed your buttons, I think forgetting someone's birthday ten years in a row is quite a lot worse and definitely qualifies as something to be annoyed about

Hang on, a list on notes? You mean notes ON YOUR PHONE?

Not sure what she hopes to achieve - a forced expression of affection or regard is worthless.

I do think when I remember next year I will be reminded of this unpleasantness, and surely so will she!

YABVU
I’d have ditched you as a friend years ago!

PuppyMonkey

It’s the diary feature I don’t like, not the phone

it jus soundslike u cant be bothered-once or twice fine 10 years nah id be insulted

Just saying again OP that I think some people are taking their Thursday night grumpiness on you here....

If a friend told me off for not failing to remember her birthday among the mountain of things that were actually essential I had to remember I would be very seriously questioning that friendship.

She's told you off for not prioritising her own emotional attachment to her birthday over your actual real life demands on your time.

The term for that would be emotional manipulation.

Id be taking a big step back from that friend. I'd also not be coming back to this thread if I were you...

It seems like a passive aggressive thing you've been doing.
It’s really not!

Well there's obviously something going on psychologically if you have refused (up to now) to put anything in place to help remember her birthday, while knowing how important birthdays are to her and having had friction about it before.

for ten years FFS!

Well if it’s not why didn’t you add her birthday to the lost?

Your poor friend. She clearly sets a lot of store by birthdays and for you to have consistently forgotten for 10 years is rather rude. Please do actually remember to set up the Moonpig reminder.

*list