Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

*Never bothered me a bit as she's an absolute diamond but dates aren't her thing. She does tend to forget lots of birthdays though and not just mine.&

But her friend has made it clear it bothers her. So it doesnt matter if doesn't bother you.

Op, bollocks, you would have remembered. You havent remembered for 10 years. Your baby and an ill relative hasn't changed anything.

What do you want out of this thread then?

I wanted to see if AIBU! And I can see people do think so, and see the point of view more clearly so will amends.

Or is that not the point of AIBU?

I should probably send her an understanding message - wow, beyond kind. I bet she'd like lots more friends like you OP

I get a calendar for our kitchen every year. I spend an hr then transferring all birthday and special dates to the new calendar. Saves a lot of hassle later on.

YADBU it's not hard to write it down somewhere even if you don't do online. My sister in laws birthday is 11/11 the significance of the date has never made me miss her birthday,

Personally I don't need a birthday text but you know this friend does.

You remember everyone else's birthday and she has told you repeatedly it upsets her.

You may not normally use a reminder on phone but in this case you should have made an extra effort because....

1)if you are genuinely sorry when you say you are
2) you know this date is a tricky one for you 3) this friend does take it as a sign you don't care.

You have stuff going on this time but what about all the other times that led to this? You say you're sorry and do the same thing, makes the apology insincere. That's why she can't just take the apology and move on.

I really didn’t know that it was such a big deal

Well you know now

Try being a good friend from this day forwards

I couldn't care less if people remember my birthday or not.
But your friend does care. And she's told you so repeatedly. And you still don't pay any attention.
You think you're just forgetting her birthday.
She thinks you can't be bothered about something that you know means a lot to her, therefore you don't care that much about her.
That's why she's upset.

I also am not good at remembering birthdays and more often than not forget friends all the time. And I'm never bothered if someone forgets mine

I agree that it's no big deal.

HOWEVER if a friend made it clear that this was important to her, never forgot mine and made a bit of a fuss, I would realise that for her, she sees this as an important part of a friendship and make an effort to set reminders etc

You've said a few times that it's not important to you-but obviously it is to her so I fee YABU and should have made an effort. Sorry

Well could be worse you could be her SiL who couldn’t be bothered to even get a simple 30p birthday card.... Me bitter never

I really didn’t know that it was such a big deal

Another excuse. She’s told you year after year for ten years that it matters to her. You don’t care. That makes you a shit friend.

Well I am going against what I was surprised to see is the tide on this one.

As a grown up I really think its crazy to expect friends to remember your birthday. Yeesh.

I don't understand why a Moonpig reminder is better than a phone calendar reminder.
It doesn't make sense!

I just feel like I don’t do it on purpose though!

But you do. You know you forget every year yet you deliberately won't put plans in place to ensure you don't. That is a choice you are making. It isn't even a difficult thing to do - you only ever have to do it once and make sure you click on repeat every year.It takes a few seconds.

You have all manner of technology at hand to remind you, as many days in advance as you want it too. You could use a paper based diary. But your re choosing not to do so.

Therefore, you are choosing not to remember her birthday. Every year.

If she is important to you - do something to remember from now on.

Because right now all you are doing is showing her that you don't care and that she isn't worth your time and effort.

My friend used to forget mine every year - never bothered me. That said, I personally found that I forgot a particular friends birthday as it is in the new year and close to kids returning to school etc. This year I made extra effort to remember as I felt bad - it doesn't seem to bother you.

She’s being a drama llama. She should never sent you that horrible text about you forgetting her birthday.

You have other priorities at the moment, your baby and a family bereavement.

If a friend forgot my birthday, I would write it off as one of those things, and wouldn’t berate anyone for it.

I think you are getting a slightly hard time on here.

Well it wouldn’t bother me but clearly it does your friend. If she’s the only one you forget then she must feel pretty unimportant. Saying I don’t put stuff in my phone is no excuse really. You could if you wanted to. You’re choosing not to knowing you forget every year and piss off your friend. So you can’t really complain when you, entirely predictably, forget again and she is annoyed.

To clarify - I think your friend is being immature and is bat shit to "lose it with you" because you forgot her birthday.

Incredibly demanding of her. Especially if you weren't friends when you were kids (when birthdays much more significant).

So I think she's a bit of a shit friend to demand that you remember it.

I will second the kitchen calendar thing.
If funds are ok with you, can you send her a gift through the post to apologise? Flowers, chocs, whatever you think, to show her that she does mean a lot to you.
Personally, I prefer it when people forget my birthday (long story).

OP you sound awfully proud of your ability to forget your friend's birthday, and of the million and one reasons you have for it. You don't get a medal for not knowing how to use your phone or - God forbid - a diary. I mean, they're so difficult to master aren't they?

You're cross because she went 'on and on' about it - ie she said it more than once. She's unhappy because you never remember her birthday - ie you've done it (a lot) more than once.

If you forgot you forgot. But it really isn't something to be proud of, and yes ywbu to tell her to grow up and fuck off.

The only people I expect to remember my birthday is DH and my mum

You're friend is batshit IMHO

*your

YABU.

You know it matters to her because she's told you before she finds it hurtful you forget it. It doesn't matter if you wouldn't care if she forgot yours, or you think she's being silly, or if adult birthdays are nonsense in some people's opinions, it is important to her. And you're supposed to care about her feelings, as a friend. So make a bloody effort next time.

How do you remember appointments, gp, dentist, funerals etc?
It would be different if you forgot everything, but apparently it's just her, are you angry about something?

These people also do automated birthday cards OP

www.postable.com/automated-birthday-cards#how-it-works

I have a friend whose birthday is on Valentine's Day.
I had a relative whose birthday was on our national holiday. (In Canada.)
I have a relative whose birthday is New Year's Eve.

These are all easy to remember because they share the day with something else.