Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

I think your friend sounds a bit pathetic as if she’s setting you up to fail and can’t wait until 12th November to start complaining (& reminding you how many years you’ve forgotten, she must keep her own list of forgotten birthdays ). Why doesn’t she send you a jokey reminder a few days before? A good friendship should mean much more than a birthday greeting.

I met one of my dearest friends at nursery school, we are now 60, some years we forget cards, this year I was a couple of days late with my card, neither of us care, we know we have a good friendship.

I’m not trying to hurt her feelings I just don’t remmeber it

Your intentions are irrelevant here. You have hurt her.

You hurt her repeatedly.

For ten years.

And for ten years she’s told you that you hurt her and you have never cared enough to do anything to change things.

And every year she’s forgiven you and put it aside and still made an effort to remember your birthday and make you feel special and loved and remembered.

And despite your protestations that you are a good, loyal friend you have never cared enough about her to do the one thing she asked.

And when she finally loses her temper over your continued thoughtlessness and lack of consideration you tell her to “fuck off and grow up”?

A kind message isn’t going to cut it OP - you’ve torpedoed that relationship.

She is never ever going to feel the same way about you ever again.

Badly done Isshe

If you don't use your phone/outlook do you not have an actual physical calendar? Are you honestly telling us that you remember absolutely every other birthday/important date/commitment with no aid but it is just this one that you forget? If that is the case and she knows you are organised then i can see why she would be hurt that it's hers you forget.

What is your friendship like otherwise? Some of my friends will remember my birthday some won't. I couldn't imagine valuing their friendships solely on that single thing. If you otherwise are supportive of her, listen, have a nice time with her when she/you visits, remember significant things in her life, I don't see why you are considered a shit friend for not texting on her birthday.

Badly done Isshe

god the drama of it all - all that hurt.

i think you are a shit friend, this is something that is important to her, doesnt matter what it is, if you cant see that then whats the point??

If you were my friend, you wouldnt be for much longer

I keep thinking next year I wil remmeber

But every year, you don't. Why do you keep thinking that "next time" will be different? How many times does something usually have to happen to you before you take action?

You are very fixated on your intentions rather than your actions - you "meant" to remember, you didn't think it was a big deal, "for some reason" you find that date hard to remember (and yet take no steps to help it stick), you are surprised it bothers her (except she has made it clear repeatedly) and you keep apologising to her and then doing something you know upsets her.

If you think she is being demanding and oversensitive by asking you to mark her birthday, why did you keep apologising? Tell her straight not to expect a card.

Every solution people have suggested, you just say "I don't set reminders" or "I don't use a diary". So why the faux surprise when you forget stuff?

A DF of mine from childhood always remembers my birth month, but never the date. She's like this with everyone though and its a running joke. It's more of a surprise if you get a message on the actual day. I think she'd be very shocked if she suddenly thought we weren't joking about it and really meant it. She's there in every other way for us though, so its easy to forgive this one quirk for us.

I'm rubbish with dates too. Totally get your angst re technology and setting reminders. We have a kitchen calendar and I often don't check it so miss things thankfully DH does so I get a reminder from him usually in enough time.

The thing is you now know she isn't joking. So you can only change going forward. Moonpig sounds like it may work for you.

Badly done Isshe

Meh, friend lives in another country, OP probably barely sees her.

(Are you a Mr Knightley fan Nona?)

I met one of my dearest friends at nursery school, we are now 60, some years we forget cards, this year I was a couple of days late with my card, neither of us care, we know we have a good friendship.

have you forgotten every year for 10 years though, every single year

I don't think you're her friend.

She's your friend though.

I remember family birthdays and about 4 friends. The friends I’ve known since childhood so just ingrained in my memory.

I really do see everyone’s points, but do somepeople have to be so unpleasant about it?

Posters in AIBU do really enjoy jumping on a bandwagon sometimes

I have a hard calendar but forget to put dates in it. I have a list on notes of appointments coming up, and I will also write her birthday in there.

You don't want to use a diary or a calendar or a phone reminder. Well if you're an actual grown up and you don't want to carry on being a crap friend - surely you can see that now is the time to start?

You must be missing and forgetting loads of stuff. I expect lots of people find you pretty flaky.

Buy a calendar, hang it up in the kitchen, and write her birthday in it!

I think that given that you know it’s important to her you should have made an effort to at least send a text. And it’s totslly passive aggressive or feigned incompetence or whatever it’s cslled to deliberately not set a reminder in your phone. As if you were above such mundane Stuff.

I’m amazed that people care that much about their birthdays! Honestly - I wouldn’t give a damn if someone forgot mine

But in this aspect it isn't about you.

It matters to her and if you care about friends, what is important to them should matter to you.

Ergo, you don't really care. So don't be surprised that she's upset.

In my experience (Christmas baby) having a birthday on another significant date makes people much more likely to remember it so I think that’s not a great excuse. On the other hand I couldn’t care less if my birthday is noted by non-family members or not, and hope they feel the same as I’m not the best at remembering dates myself! I do find it odd to care so much but as she clearly does then yes, YABU to not make an effort.

I cared about birthday when I was a teen. Now I would feel sad if my family forgot to say HB, but otherwise, who cares? It's not such a big deal really, I think your friend is being a bit unreasonable.

You’re both being extremely childish.

Ridiculous. You don't get to tell people how important your birthday is. Just because the friend puts a high value on recognising birthdays doesn't mean the op should. Op isn't being unreasonable or childish. They just don't feel the same about birthdays.

Posters in AIBU do really enjoy jumping on a bandwagon sometimes

I don't see ppl jumping on a bandwagon. I do see a lot of ppl in agreement of one thing though.
Why have you never made any effort to physically remind yourself of her birthday? Surely you knew a number of years in that relying on memory alone wasn't going to work? And there's no point saying 'I don't use calendars or phone reminders' because you obviously needed to do something. But you chose not to...

It would appear that you don't consider her birthday that important and hence forget it each year despite her 10 years of upsets... perhaps she didn't want to go another 10 years of the same old same old?

It sounds like you are making pathetic excuses. She remembers your birthday. You forget hers. Every year. Even though you know that upsets her. You are a bit of a crap friend IMO.

Meh, friend lives in another country, OP probably barely sees her.

That makes it more important Antigon not less.

Mr Knightly was far too good for Emma.

The OP isn’t even sorry, she’s just annoyed someone told her off.

I really do see everyone’s points, but do some people have to be so unpleasant about it?

It's not really been that unpleasant, and as you've argued with so many people I think you should take on the fact that most people think you;ve been a shit friend and, more importantly, she does.

Well it's November so why not nip out tomorrow, buy next years calendar and put her birthday in it with areminder on say the 4th if you plan to send a card.

I agree with others that she is a little bit unreasonable for getting upset because it doesn't really matter, let's face it the friends who remember your birthday are normally those who have facebook or equiv set up to remind them. However you know it matters to her and you have told her to fuck off now so if she forgives you for that and then you forget next year I think you can definitely kiss goodbye to that friendship