to worry my son will be thick?

[ThisIsClara]

DS is 4 weeks old.

I'm not intelligent at all. I struggle with basic science and maths. Don't have great people skills. Am pretty rubbish at most things. Have no hobbies, no qualifications and work in a reception (not even very good at that). Struggled with the difference between your and you're for a long time and was slated for it once on mn so spent hours learning the difference.

DH is extremely clever. He gets frustrated with me sometimes as I can't keep up with even his basic conversation sometimes. He's really clever. He has a masters degree and is applying for a PhD.

I was bullied at school for being thick and would probably struggle financially if I hadn't have met DH.

I know I'm being ridiculous as our son is so young, but I need reassurance that he could still turn out like his dad and not me.

Is it possible that he could be smart like his dad even though I spend far more time with him?

You can rebuild yourself OP. But there's no urgency. You have just had a baby which is pretty overwhelming! I know people who aren't particularly intelligent but they forge their way ahead by asking for what they want when others hesitate to ask.

I wouldn't worry too much.

My mil is, by her own admission, as thick as two short planks. Her sister and nieces /nephews aren't particularly clever either.

Dp and sil are both very bright, dp with a degree in chemistry and sil a PhD in chemistry, both from a very good uni. They both have pretty good jobs in their fields.

Ds is shaping up to be reasonably bright too.

I'm also very bright (supposedly anyway) but will never be rich. I'm a chef despite doing well in school/college etc.

Besides that though, there are far more important things to be than clever.

Kind hearted, thoughtful, hard working, conscientious, moral etc.

I've known some very intelligent people who were none of those things. I'd be far more upset if ds turned out to be clever and cruel than good natured but a bit dim.

Op, you are not thick.

But I totally understand where you're coming from. I grew up on a council estate, missed a lot of schooling, I've somehow managed to muddle through life. I haven't travelled, I'm not particularly good at anything, I've had to work on my spelling and grammar and still do, I struggle to keep up with intelligent conversation, I'm not witty, I don't have much interesting to say or talk about.

You're not thick and your son won't be either. You can help and support him as much as you can by helping him with his education and giving him as many opportunities as you can.

You can learn with him, he will be fine because he has a mum who cares.

My DP is a bit like you and considers himself 'thick', especially when he compares himself to the more naturally academic me.

I've been known to tell him that if I thought he were stupid, I'd have run a mile!

Also, your partner may be a bit impatient because he recognises and appreciates your innate intelligence which, due to low self esteem, you don't think you possess. So he may ask you to do x or talk about y and you panic, whereas he's thinking 'I just want your input, I think it's valuable'.

You are not thick. I can tell this from what you wrote here. I know that your child hood was poor due to your parents. I feel that when you missed school you fell behind and once you did it was hard to catch up. Also your parents seemed not to bother about your education.

I have a friend who was not acedmic bright in school but she could make anything with her hands. She ended up having 3 children with this man and she threw him out of their home when her 3 kids were quite young due to his heavy drinking. Today she has a well paying job that she is very good at. Meanwhile child one has a business degree and a management job in their early 20's. Child 2 did a nursing degree in the top college of where my friend lives and now works as a nurse. Child 3 has good final year school exams and got into their chosen college course without any problem.

My friend would have been reading to them from when they were small, got them into good schools and always encouraged them to work hard and do their best. She worked hard over the years and they learned from her it was important to work in school to do well. They all got part time jobs once they were old enough as well.
I know their are adult education places that work with adults to help improve their reading, writing and maths skills. Perhaps they would have details of the services in your area in your local library. Doing this may help you feel better and fill in the gaps you missed education wise through no fault of your own.

@ThisIsClara I just found this which you might find helpful www.mindsetkit.org/growth-mindset-parents

I haven't looked through it all yet but it's a way to encourage children to learn and feel good about themselves as learners.

Let him see you reading as he gets older.
Give him a love of books and he will soar.

Your post itself tells me you are far, far from thick. I’m not sure I want my lad to be phd clever, I want him to be smart and emotionally intelligent. I think you need to adjust your view of yourself x

I don’t think you’re thick at all, OP.
We live in Oxford and as a result we’re often surrounded by various academics talking shop. Some of it I can join in with, some of it is mind-numbingly dull and some is simply so specialised that only a few people can follow it.

It doesn’t bother us because we’re well-educated and confident; we also both have our niches and interests so occasionally we get a turn!

You’ve been failed by school and it wouldn’t surprise me if you have dyslexia or similar. So, you lack the background and confidence to either feel ok when people are talking about things outside your realm or to ask for explanations.

You have a lot of insight and emotional intelligence so I’ll bet my bottom dollar you’re smart enough to catch up.

Watch TED talks, have a look at some online science courses, read, read, read and then read some more. Then, talk to your DP and his mates. Some might be a bit patronising or dismissive, but that’s their problem.
Lastly, don’t be put off by what can look like put-downs among academics. They are just (most of the time) having a laugh at each other and themselves.

I believe most of the research indicates that intelligence is inherited from the mother.

However, firstly I suspect that you are perhaps poorly educated rather than unintelligent. My second point, is that there are many desirable human characteristics, intelligence is only one of them.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from school, I know how they fared academically. There are plenty that I know were in the lower classes at school and they all look to be doing just fine. There is somebody who was in the top set that has done a stint in prison.

My mother isn’t at all academic. She left school at 16, struggles to think conceptually, and isn’t someone you would ever want on your quiz team.

I turned out smart. I have a degree from Cambridge.

From my mother I learnt kindness. Compassion. Empathy. The value of hard work. Resilience. She might not be able to do algebra but so what? I hold her in much, much higher regard than many of the “book smart” people that I know.

I think the best thing you can do is get some therapy, tackle your negative beliefs about yourself so you don't pass them on to your child. Be a good role model. Find a job you're good at and enjoy so you feel better about yourself. Teach your child to enjoy learning, read to him, when he's older get him a tutor, music lessons, travel with him, teach him to believe in himself.

Telling yourself you're thick is pointless, why make yourself and those around you miserable? Don't compare yourself to your husband. Social skills are things you work on, not something in built.

I think so sound really lovely OP. Your son will inherit various things from both you and your DH. If you care for him and raise him with love as I'm sure you will he will turn out a lovely young man, I'm sure.

You definitely aren't thick - having a natural affinity for music is a rare and beautiful thing. I can't even read music so a talent for it always seems vaguely magical! I hope you can find the opportunity to pursue some music.

My brother is, with the best will in the world, academically stupid. Struggles with reading, lacks that kind of curiosity, just doesn't enjoy that kind of learning. But he's funny, kind and thoughtful. He's a great cook, can hang wallpaper like a pro, is the absolute master of odd jobs around the house. I am academic, and we're still very close - there are different kinds of intelligence and it really doesn't matter if you're missing one. And if you aren't and you've just been neglected, what a great time to begin learning, alongside your beautiful son. Congratulations on your lovely new family.

In terms of how successful someone turns out contientiousnes is far more important than intelligence.