to worry my son will be thick?

[ThisIsClara]

DS is 4 weeks old.

I'm not intelligent at all. I struggle with basic science and maths. Don't have great people skills. Am pretty rubbish at most things. Have no hobbies, no qualifications and work in a reception (not even very good at that). Struggled with the difference between your and you're for a long time and was slated for it once on mn so spent hours learning the difference.

DH is extremely clever. He gets frustrated with me sometimes as I can't keep up with even his basic conversation sometimes. He's really clever. He has a masters degree and is applying for a PhD.

I was bullied at school for being thick and would probably struggle financially if I hadn't have met DH.

I know I'm being ridiculous as our son is so young, but I need reassurance that he could still turn out like his dad and not me.

Is it possible that he could be smart like his dad even though I spend far more time with him?

Does your DH tell you why he loves you? You sound like you need to hear your positives.

Natural talent is over-rated. Most successful/bright people simply work hard, practice and learn to delay gratification.

Read to your kids, be interested, learn along with them. It’s quite satisfying to find that as an adult you can suddenly understand the universe and basic astronomy because you’ve been reading about it with your child.

So you aren’t “thick” at all, you didn’t get any support from home when you were growing up and School failed you as well
Not your fault, you just didn’t get a great education
So your son will be fine.
Maybe when you have more time if you want to you could look at further/mature education? Not that you need it but it might help your self esteem and show you that you aren’t thick

I am thick I was a parent at 15.

he's a doctor.

And i've gone back and got qualifications now.

He’ll be fine. You clearly care enough to do something about it. Just make sure that he does to a good school, hire extra help if you need it and try to get your DH to spend more time with him. Stupidity isn’t a disease. He won’t catch it. It sounds like you had a terrible start in life and haven’t benefited from the kind of basic education that most people receive. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. Intellect isn’t the be all and end all. You don’t have to be clever to raise a clever child all you need is to be engaged and supportive.

Is your DH a good man? He doesn’t sound the most tolerant of people if he “gets frustrated” with you. Could he be causing you to doubt your own intelligence to keep you in your place? The most important thing for any baby is to have a happy Mummy so please do seek outside help if you feel your DH is not treating you well. And congratulations on your lovely baby!

I think you're far from 'thick' op! ... It does sound that you were let down when you were a kid...

Spending time with your son which you will do, as you're thinking about this will make all the difference! reading, talking with him and encouraging him will have him coming on in leaps and bounds.

My partner has a doctorate... His mum left school at 14 and his dad was illiterate.
He was loved and encouraged. Makes a wealth of difference!

No one can say how your baby will turn out. The best thing you can do is love him, accept him for who he is and encourage him as much as possible so that he has self-confidence.

I have brains to burn but a lack of confidence has held me back.

OP you sound very down indeed, do you think you could be slipping into post-natal depression? Your view of yourself is very negative and pervasive, and you are focusing on the one bad post you don't like instead of lots of more positive helpful ones- that might be a sign you are feeling depressed. Could you have a chat with your health visitor about this, or your GP? Or go along to a local health/baby centre if you live in a big city?

This might not be the case- everyone worries about the future and their children, but it sounds like these feelings are perhaps getting out of proportion for you which may be a sign to seek more help.

You don't sound thick, you sound quite articulate, which is why I think something else might be going on.

One of my friends has severe learning difficulties. Struggles with reading. Her dh has absolutely no qualifications.

Both their dc are at University studying academic subjects. One is studying what I think is considered one of the most difficult subjects there is.

I would not worry about things.

If anything I would work on confidence levels for children whether they are academically intelligent or not.

Ultimately for a lot of situations confidence and how to speak to people will get you further.

Now RTFT and saw your post about your own childhood. You didn't do well at school because your upbringing was neglectful, not because your were 'thick'. You must be amazing and have fantastic resilience to have turned out as articulate and intelligent and reflective as your posts suggest. Definitely start doing some evening classes (not necessarily academic initially if you don't want to) and make up for the deficiencies in your childhood. What better example could you set your DS than getting yourself educated as an adult? Just imagine how proud he (and your DH) would be if you did that? What would you want to do in a dream world? Make that your goal and you will achieve it.

You really don't come across as thick at all. Just underconfident and regretting not getting a better education. Is there any possibility for you to go back into education? The open university doesn't require any particular qualifications to do a course, I don't think.

I do not believe that you are thick. I think that your upbringing has made you feel that you are thick, but it really isn’t true.

Try not to worry about your lovely new boy.

Could you find a hobby that interests you? Anything that sparks your interest, it doesn’t have to be anything that involves maths/science or anything that makes you feel nervous. Are there any baby groups you could go to? And if you do then don’t tell people you are thick, say that you are shy.

Also, newspapers. Not gossip magazines or rubbish like that Daily Fail, but something with actual news. Being more aware and broardering your horizons will help.

I am going to say what lots of PP have said - you do not sound thick at all - you write very well - better than many, many posters on here. You also sound like a decent, good, mother.

You may not have "qualifications" but that does not make you thick.

You may not "keep up" with a super-academic and expert in one area DH - but that may be his communications skills rather than you. I am higher qualified than my DH but often if he starts talking in depth about his specialism he loses me pretty quickly as I do not know his field and sometimes he goes into way too much detail and it is rather boring Also if he talks about one of his hobbies - I can bare a bit - but after that I glaze over (sorry DH).

Try to start changing your mindset maybe?

Each day

1. One thing I achieved
2. One things I did really well
3. One thing enjoyed.

I hope you start to feel more positive soon. flowers

OP, like a pp, I also want to know more about your DH. I hope he isn’t encouraging you to see him and his friends as so much more intelligent than you.

I’d also like to echo other posters who say you sound very articulate and thoughtful, and not at all thick.

My parents didn't value education. My mum valued alcohol and my dad valued his new family which did not include me.

That is why you are "thick" not anything else. A lack of opportunity and support. Your son will be fine with two involved parents. I bet you have skills other than the educational ones you feel you lack. Your DH married you, he clearly sees good in you.

Can you go to evening classes or something like that to give you confidence?

You don’t sound thick , just lacking in self confidence
I’m hopeless at maths , I mean I know my basic timestables , but have to do proper sums on a piece of paper to add up , don’t get science at all
However , DS graduated with a First Class Degree , and DD has a 2-1
I didn’t go to uni at all , you didn’t in my day unless you were top drawer clever ( I’m late 50s , DC are both in their 20s )
You can do the fun and lovely things like teaching him the birds in the garden , the names of plants , read stories ( when he’s a bit older , he can read with you ) just talk to him , sing to home and just be with him
That’s how he’ll learn , and most of all enjoy the time with him

You absolutely don't seem thick to me. A lack of education doesn't mean you're thick at all!!! Given your regret at not having a good education coupled with your husbands qualifications, it sounds to me like you both value education and will pass that on to your child. You should also remember that your life doesn't dictate your child's - they're their own whirlwind.

So you had what most people would classify a ‘deprived childhood’ then?

You weren’t exposed to enough of the right education, meaning school but also the wider factors that would have helped you gain in confidence and understanding of the world around you.

Without being patronising, you were shackled before you even began.

How could you fight against parents who didn’t want you to learn? Who were so disengaged they didn’t even care whether you got to school ok or not? That should be an absolute basic, not the height of parent responsibility.
And that’s not your fault.
Perhaps it’s not so much your parents fault either, it’s society, limiting some children’s chances before they ever even get to primary school.

But I bet you, that as you look at your baby now, I bet you know absolutely, that you will do everything you possibly can to help him learn. I bet you will help him feel confident, and proud of himself... and I triple bet you that you’ll start that by being so, so proud of him yourself.

Because that’s where self esteem and self confidence starts. With having someone you love being proud of you, being in your corner no matter what, cheering you along, celebrating your victories, and kissing you better when you fall, and encouraging you to get back on your feet and try again.

Did you ever have that? Really? And now, as you look at your cutey yummy baby, do you think you can be that person for him? Because from the way you are posting on here, I think you will be that person.

And that’s what your baby needs to be a great learner, that is the foundation of smartness. It doesn’t start in the head exactly, it starts in the heart ... and I think you’ve got bags of love and care to give :)

(...& probably brains too, but that’s another post, and I suspect you won’t believe me, so let’s start somewhere where you will believe me first ok?!)

Thanks everyone and I know I shouldn't have focussed on the one negative post like I did. I'm just stuck in this depressive rut and yes I guess it could be PND. I just want my son to do well. I don't want to be pushy I just want to help him find what he's good at and do everything I can to help him with it. I feel like I could've been great at music. My mum paid for me to have piano lessons but then decided the money would be better spent on herself (makeup, perfume, cigarettes, etc). I never went to another class in my life. I don't know how to swim. I just hate how shit I am at everything and want my lovely DS to live a life full of love and opportunity.

OP - please read orchiddingme ‘s post.

You are focussing on the wrong thing here, and I also think there is something else going on. You sound like you may have PND to me too. Have a chat with your HV or GP.

Intelligence and education are NOT the same thing! I've meet people with PhDs who use subject specific jargon fancy words who can't change a lightbulb and know nothing outside their own field. I know highly intelligent builders with no exam qualifications who understand diverse and complex ideas because they read and are interest in them. I know a maths genius who can hardly spell his own name. I also work with highly qualified teachers who don't get your and you're right! Lol. (Not the English teachers obviously lol)

The only things you seem to be lacking OP is confidence in yourself and an upbringing that valued you and your learning.

It's never to late to learn. Find a subject that interests you and get appropriate level books (avoid the one's that use fancy academic words for the sake of; they're bloody boring for a start). Go online. TED Talks are amazing and accessible without a PhD (unlike many unfortunately). Access courses at local colleges are great to get the basics and build confidence.

And read, read, read.

DH is lovely but is very, very smart which I think is difficult for him sometimes. He really is borderline genius and has won awards for science. We are polar opposites and I guess as my IQ is so much lower than his, I wonder why he's with me sometimes. He tells me he loves me every day though and I guess that is all that counts.

You're not thick, there are many different forms of intelligence. You said it yourself - you have low self esteem, not surprising considering your family background. But despite that you're doing really well - , you're in (I hope!) a good, loving relationship, you have a beautiful baby, you're working despite not going to school much. Yeah it might not be the job of your dreams but you're still doing it and setting a good example for your kid.

I kind of know what you're getting at. I sometimes worry if my dd might be really shy and anxious and low self esteem like I was. But then I think I'll do whatever I can to support her and help her feel good and loved and confident. Your kid is already having a better start in life than you did by miles - look how much you're worrying about him, he's so very clearly very well loved!

Well if your eloquent, well written post is anything to go by, you my lovely, are not thick anyway.

posts like yours are exactly the types of comments that make me feel bad. 'You must be pretty if someone that clever wanted to marry you'

I don't think this poster was trying to be unkind, OP. I think they were jokingly trying to point out that your DH sees something in you.
To answer your question, yes, your DS could inherit intelligence from one parent and not the other, regardless of who he spends more time with. More pertinently, however, the work that you put in at home to help him will be of great value to his educational outcomes and the fact that you care so much will help him to achieve. This is what you did not have when you were a child and because he will, he will achieve more highly than you even if he has your exact level of intelligence (I also do not believe that you are in any way thick, by the way)