to worry my son will be thick?

[ThisIsClara]

DS is 4 weeks old.

I'm not intelligent at all. I struggle with basic science and maths. Don't have great people skills. Am pretty rubbish at most things. Have no hobbies, no qualifications and work in a reception (not even very good at that). Struggled with the difference between your and you're for a long time and was slated for it once on mn so spent hours learning the difference.

DH is extremely clever. He gets frustrated with me sometimes as I can't keep up with even his basic conversation sometimes. He's really clever. He has a masters degree and is applying for a PhD.

I was bullied at school for being thick and would probably struggle financially if I hadn't have met DH.

I know I'm being ridiculous as our son is so young, but I need reassurance that he could still turn out like his dad and not me.

Is it possible that he could be smart like his dad even though I spend far more time with him?

Op I think you've had some really good advice here but I would just add that I've been reading Katie Piper's book on confidence this year and it's amazing. It has helped me a lot. I would recommend it to anyone struggling. I genuinely learnt a lot reading it.

Definitely have a chat to someone about how you're feeling too, in case it is pnd.

I am far from intelligent but have managed to produce a child who is predicted all level 8’s GCSE.

I’m getting ready to hand in my PhD - I can assure you there are plenty of people who are doing or who have PhDs who are lacking even basic common sense! Qualifications aren’t the be all and end all. I’m sure you have plenty to offer your child as they grow up, he won’t care what letters you have after your name. Give him plenty of good experiences and he will remember and value them.

My mother is uneducated she had zero interest in education and hated the fact I was bright and curious. She didn't want me to go to university & cut me off for a number of years as I should have gone and got a job or pregnant.

My DF is bright but not confident in writing anything down & left school young. My DF used to take me to museums and exhibitions, bought me lots of books and always tried to answer my questions. He was so supportive of me, it didn't matter about his own limitations. I went to university and I've got a good job thanks to his support.

I wanted to give you a hug after reading your post as you wasn't given the support to learn, which should be seen as a form of neglect. Being intelligent isn't just being academic. As others pointed out you can have a high IQ but no common sense or lack empathy with people. I think you need to start believing in yourself and working on your own confidence and self worth. Your DH married you because he loved you as you, he obviously sees something special in you, has wanted to marry you and have a family with you. You just need to see it yourself

If you encourage him academically, teach him to value school and reading, take him to museums, make sure he does his homework, etc. he should be fine.

Most people aren't actually "thick". I mean obviously some people are smarter than others, but the normal range is not that great. It is more often about how much emphasis a child and/or their parents placed on education growing up.

Your DH is clever. So find out from him what he values about you. “I love you” is nice, but maybe not that helpful to your self esteem.

Ah, you poor thing, sounds like you suffered from at the very least mild neglect as a child; it can leave even the brainiest people with massive gaps in their knowledge, and the shame of not knowing stuff then makes you try to hide it so you can't catch up. The lack of self-esteem means you are too afraid to stretch yourself, take risks and learn more. All I "suffered" from as a child was a large number of school and family changes and being the daughter of a single, working mum for many years, but even that made me feel stupid - I didn't learn to tell the time, for example, and no-one even noticed ... taught it to myself basically as an adult! But I'm not thick, and someone who sits down and teaches themselve grammar is not thick, either.

The older I get, the more I think good self-esteem is the most important ingredient for happiness in life. Whatever abilities people have, if they don't value themselves and they are not comfortable in their own skin, they find it hard to be happy. I would aim to promote self-esteem in your DS above all else. Praise him specifically - so after he has done something well or tried hard to do something well, tell him so and explain why you are pleased with him and what he did well. Listen to him and talk to him as much as possible and make him feel that he is valued. Respect his choices and enable him to feel that he has a contribution to make to family life, obviously appropriate to his age. I am not saying that you have to give into him all the time, but if you disagree or have to overrule something, try to help him understand why.

I am sure you are a great mum; it shows by the thoughtfulness of your posts.

OP the biggest thing you can do to help your son do well in life is to encourage him to try. Try to praise effort rather than achievement - rather than say “well done, you’re so clever!” say “well done, you’ve worked really hard on that!”
Effort and attitude can be controlled, ability cannot.

Ps you don’t write like you’re thick... so I doubt you are!

As others have said, you don't sound thick, you sound like you didn't get much of a chance at school.

My Dad is totally illiterate, including reading numbers, I suspect he is actually dyslexic but of an age where there wasn't any support. Mum has no idea about maths or science. I'm part way through my masters, all of my siblings are bright and doing well in their chosen fields.

Just wanted to say that you absolutely are NOT thick, and you certainly don't come across like that at all written down. Your DS won't be thick either - and be kinder to yourself please!

I spent my whole life thinking i was thick, couldnt even tell me left from my right. Did rubbish at school. But i had lots of questions and could get my point across.
I went to uni after having my kids as i wanted to show i was capable, and i struggled. It was my tutor who suggested i get tested for dyslexia and it was a turning point, from that moment everything became clear. I wasnt thick, i was just learning differently i left with a 1:1. I did better then my "clever" siblings. Intellegence and academic levels are very different.
Which ever way your son develops he will be absolutly fine.

Your post made me so sad ThisIsClara. Please don't ever describe yourself as "thick" again. I always say, don't put yourself down because there are plenty out there who will do it for you. You certainly come across very positively in your posts. You write much more expressively and thoughtfully than plenty of educated people I've come across!!

The best thing I think you could do for your DS is to work on your self-esteem, see a counsellor or a CBT therapist. Monkey see, monkey do, and having a happy confident mum would be tremendous for him. Is your DH supportive of and encouraging to you? Learn a skill, like swimming or playing piano - you will get such a boost from achievement.

I am educated to Masters level but academia isn't everything. Plenty of 'educated idiots'! Nobody can tell you whether or not your little boy will be academic or but if he is loved and cherished, well-mannered, considerate and caring, he will grow up to be a lovely man. And that you can do, without a doubt!

Also recommend reading - I read to mine every night starting when they were literally babies.

And believe in him! Neither my parents nor DH's went to uni. They just didn't have the opportunity. They believed in us and they believed in education though, and all of both families are university-educated. It was always a 'given' in our house that uni would be our path in life.

Just love your little man, and take care of yourself. And don't ever, ever, call yourself "thick"! xx

My parents didn't value education. My mum valued alcohol and my dad valued his new family which did not include me.

And the absolute best thing your boy has going for him is that you so clearly do value his education and his life chances. It sings out through your posts, along with your huge love for him and the spirit that brought you out of a difficult background to be an articulate, loving, loved and emotionally aware mother to a tiny person.

So many useful posts on here, but just wanted to add congratulations on your lovely baby boy. And he has one big advantage you didn’t have which is a mum who wants the very best for her child. So he’ll be fine. Whatever his talents I’m sure you’ll find ways to nurture them and that’s the important bit.
Enjoy the lovely newborn cuddles and know that you’ve got all the makings of a wonderful mum!
I struggled with PND and anxiety too and worry about not passing those anxieties on to DD. I’m sure we’ll let them down in some ways as they grow up but at least we are aware of what our upbringings did to us and are set to avoid those pitfalls!

Neither of my parents had even O levels. I lived with my mum, who could not really help me with homework, and didn't have much time to even talk about school tbh. My stepdad had a degree but was totally unable to help me with his specialities - the sciences - as he wasn't able to "talk down" far enough for me to understand. But every week there'd be a fresh pile of books from the library, and it was kind of expected that you'd always be reading a book. Being alone a lot, books were my friends. Didn't get any O levels in the sciences :) but my language skills got me to uni. I now have a post-grad diploma in translation, a job I love. You just need to be good at one thing! And for that, confidence is the key.

I was extremely shy and anxious as a teenager and my son seemed to be going the same way, not studying in school because he felt too stupid. It took quite a bit of doing but I managed to get him some therapy, and it was really useful: he is a lot more confident and his marks shot up, getting him through his A levels just fine.

OP, I will repeat what other have said, you come across as a lovely, kind, thoughtful and WISE person. You can't learn that, so please be proud of yourself. Your son is a very lucky boy to have a mum like you.

It's never too late to learn stuff. If reading isn't a chore for you then invest in some general knowledge books, a bit of popular science kind of thing. Or there's always YouTube, podcasts and such like you can listen to. I know a lot of mumsnetters are into their podcasts, maybe someone will come along and recommend one?

Also a lot of primary schools offers maths classes for parents to enable them to help their children with homework so maybe it's something you can explore in the future?

The main thing is though, don't ever tell your son things like 'I am stupid' or 'I am not good at that'. Say 'I am not sure but let's find out together' or 'I will need to look that up', you get the idea?

Seriously you're not "thick". My brother struggles to read. He has quite severe dyslexia. Has never really been able to read. He guesses.
Yet he has an IQ of 156 (this was checked by a clinical psychologist with the industry standard WIISC test, not some internet test, as he was struggling so much in primary school). He doesn't have a degree. He tried and failed several times. He has a 1yr vocational degree and is a software engineer now (ie he codes). Is he "thick"? Depends how you look at it.

Re your son, who knows what he will turn out as. Any child could end up having SEN, but he might also turn out to be very bright. Even if he does have SEN there is a lot of support in s hooks nowadays and academics isn't everything.

Really well written original post and you deem yourself thick?

You're not!

You had a Mum who neglected your physical, educational and educational needs (I am so sorry, because you did not deserve that start in life). But your son has a Mum who is here worrying about his, so he already has a better start in life. As he grows, talk to him, sing to him, read with him - and as he grows, grow your confidence and learn a new skill (whatever it is - baking, gardening, an evening course, a sportj as an investment in you too. Hugs

Clara All the qualifications in the world don't give you a loving partner and happy family unit. You have got more than many people with tons of qualifications. Education doesn't equal happiness.

OP,

I've namechanged for this

Between Dh and myself we have 2 BSc's, a masters and a PhD. And between us 1 of us is severely dyspraxic with a physical disability and the other one has a pervasive developmental disorder (along the lines of autism).

My maths is absolutely crap. Some of the stuff my kids bring home makes me think twice and my 8 year old daughter's mental maths is quicker than mine. My other child struggles massively in school but has found their groove. Their knowledge of all things train though is just outstanding.

My advice? There is help out there if you want to go down that route. The government has made maths and english courses to level 2 free if you were interested. And as for your boy, the best you can do for him is to not flog yourself silly trying to teach him academic stuff but instead be his mum. Kids that age are little sponges and even something like a walk to the park teaches him so many things he wont be getting from being stuck infront of a load of flashcards day in, day out.

Intelligence isnt just being good at schoolwork.

Big hugs. I haven't read everyone else's replies, but I'm sure I'm echoing lots of other people here. It just sounds as though you've got a terrible opinion of yourself and that that's causing you no end of angst and despair.
There are lots of different kinds of ability, not just whether you can do spelling tests and so on, and the older i get the more I think that mental health contributes to how well you get on in life. Which is dreadful for someone like you who thinks she's thick, because society says that if you have a great job you must be terribly clever..but you can't get a great job if you don't believe in yourself..so you end up working in a low skill job and thinking that confirms your belief that you're just irrevocably thick. Whereas there are probably people far stupider than you swanning around in boardrooms and controlling budgets of millions, just because they think they're so great. Hell, one of them's POTUS.
I'm not saying that in order to be happy you have to have the wankerish arrogance of a Trump, but , you know, somewhere in between that and total self-abasement would be a good place to aim for.
I've struggled with that sort of thing all my life - you know, i'm ugly, I'm silly, I'm selfish, I'm a lunatic..etc etc etc. Putting yourself down ends up being such an easy habit to get into. One of the things that made a massive difference to me was having a baby, because of course I thought he was so great that I couldn't have got it all wrong! Lovey - I just want you to reassess yourself, same as I ended up kind of reassessing myself, and to learn to be nice to yourself. xx

If I’ve learnt anything than every child I’d their own person. I worry about my children ‘suffering’ aspects of myself that I don’t appreciate. But I think it’s misguided. Anyway plenty a stupid person has done very well in life. There are many virtues and brains are only one of them - and. Or necessarily the happiest in my view. If you care for him, read to him and expose him to interesting things and experiences you’ll do well regardless of how academic he is.

4 weeks after I had my first baby, I would not have been capable of writing as expressively as you have done today. And I KNOW I am not thick.

A clever partner can make you feel very stupid sometimes, I know, especially if your overall confidence is low already, but love, you're not thick. Things that happen to you in childhood can actually affect the way your brain develops. Trauma can affect your self control and ability to organise yourself. Living with a heavy drinker must have been traumatic, and your dad being uninterested would have been too.

You've just had your first child, and I expect you cannot imagine treating your precious baby as badly as you were treated when you were a child. This might make you feel rather like you must have lacked something, to not be precious to your parents, but actually it was your parents who lacked, not you.

You are going to be a truly excellent mother. The best parents I knew were not at all good at reading, but they were the CHAMPIONS of their son and daughter. They hung on their kids' words as they read out their poems and stories from school. Their kids are both happy and successful in their chosen careers, which are nothing high powered but very valuable to them.

My mother would only take an interest in what I was writing to criticise the spelling. My father used to hit me. I had a measured IQ of 142 when I was 14, and I got a bundle of GCSEs and then moved from rubbish low paid job to rubbish low paid job. I still work for a pittance.

All you have to do with your son is support him. Cover him in kisses, look at his books, clap when he wins - and be pleased for him when he's pleased for himself. I know you will do all of that, and therefore your son will win at life.