Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is DH?

153 replies

TootingBoots · 14/11/2018 20:28

We are in a financially shit position. I didn’t get paid in September and he is out of work at the moment with poor mental health. We have 2DC.

We are £1000 into a £1500 overdraft and I’m scared we are going to go over that limit. He has about £700 in savings as he wants to buy something related to his hobby. It has taken him a long time to save this money.

My argument is if we use the £700 to pay off most of the overdraft it would help me sleep at night and stop some of the daily charges. We could then pay him back when we can afford it. I know it sucks to see the money you’ve saved go up in smoke but family finances come before personal.

His argument- he will pay it if we do go to the limit of the planned overdraft. Before then he doesn’t need to. He’s saved for a long time and I’ve had a similar amount of money in my personal account I’ve just spent it rather than saved so can’t contribute to paying this debt off. It wouldn’t be fair to now ask him to do so.

Who’s right? We just keep going in circles with this and I can’t help but find his attitude incredibly selfish.

OP posts:
OneOrgasmicBirthPlease · 14/11/2018 21:24

It sounds impossibly hard. But his ill health is not your fault. You did not cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

Why is it your responsibility to help him find a purpose? This is really something everyone needs to do for themselves. He does sound quite unwell, but will have to keep trying with treatment, because what is the alternative otherwise? Is he receiving any help with his mental health at the moment?

Sending you Flowers

CoolCarrie · 14/11/2018 21:25

Could his hobby make him some money at all?
Could you just use some of his £700, not all of it?
Is the hobby helping him at all?
It does seem unfair to me that you spent all of your money, and now want him to give up all of the money he saved, I would be worried that you would make him feel even worse, and his mental health is more important than money, but it’s clearly taking its toll on your mental health as well, which is not good.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 21:26

Where does he think the shortfall is going to come from?

Honestly OP, he’s being very unfair to you and your children. It’s his responsibility to seek the help he needs and to get back to playing a proper part in your lives. You can’t carry on like this indefinitely.

What sort of SAHD is he being? Not directly relevant but is him being at home all day making your life easier or are you working ft while still running the house and kids stuff and he’s doing his hobby?

Loopytiles · 14/11/2018 21:26

It’s not U to ask him to get a (full time) job. You both have DC to support.

TheBigFatMermaid · 14/11/2018 21:27

I do somewhat empathise with your DH, suffering from anxiety and depression myself. I have not worked for three years now. On the whole I must seem ok to most people, but have recently had a bad relapse and had to go back on medication, was unable to even make a simple phone call.

I do have a couple of little things I enjoy every week and they have been a lifeline to me, getting me out of the house and a bit of routine. Some contact with absolutely lovely people (outside of my very close family and small circle of friends).

I don't actually have £700 saved but if I did and we had a joint overdraft, I would certainly be putting it towards that though. BUT not if I was my partner spending money where it did not need to be spent.

NailsNeedDoing · 14/11/2018 21:27

If you can see that he's genuinely struggling with life, as you said, then he's getting some very unfair responses here. If he's too ill to cope with work then making him work is only going to create different problems.

It's perfectly normal for hobbies and interests to help with living with depression, so I don't see why he's unreasonable for wanting to do his hobby. We can't all force ourselves to be passionate about things that are cheap.

I completely understand where he's coming from if you've had the same money as he's had but yours has already gone while he's gone without to save. It's not fair for you to demand that he hands over his money to make yourself feel better when he's already agreed that if it becomes necessary then he'll use that money for the family.

What would be the plan for him to get that money back? Is there one, or are you asking him to give up the only thing he cares about outside of family with no chance of having same opportunity again?

MIdgebabe · 14/11/2018 21:28

This is really difficult for you both. You know he is ill, and you know you are financially in big trouble.

Is itvhis current job that is a problem? How much would he need to earn to keep you afloat? What could he do that he would like that would be enough? Can you encourage him back to work by trying to work towards a better plan for the future?

Zofloramummy · 14/11/2018 21:29

He needs to sacrifice the savings to get you through the next few months and he needs to get a job ASAP.

Unfortunately we don’t always get to achieve our dreams as we have responsibilities and therefore we make sacrifices for our children. We give them the best life we can. A job is a job, it’s what a lot of us do to survive. I had a career and honestly it burnt me out. I now have a lot less money but I also have more of me left to give to my dd. And really when I am very old I won’t be reminiscing about my career, I’ll be thinking about the times I had with my family.

RandomMess · 14/11/2018 21:29

If you are £200 per month short how long until you lose your home??

Seriously you're already in debt and it is growing monthly Sad

tinyme77 · 14/11/2018 21:30

I can see his point. You could have spent the same on clothes (for example) and won't have to give those up. Depends on whether you have spent to the same value.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 21:31

OP is working full time. The debt is growing. Everyone needs feeding and clothing.

His mental health isn’t more important than keeping a roof over their children’s heads. He needs to get more, different, better treatment.

C0untDucku1a · 14/11/2018 21:31

Is he doing all the childcare, bulk of the housework and dealing with apppintments etc?

If you agreed, and even suggested, he stay at home with the children, then you need to work out how you can earn more money. Your dh shouldnt have to damage his mental health for the sake of £50 a week.

eggncress · 14/11/2018 21:32

Are you sure he’s not having you on now about the illness?
If you can’t use the £700 for household bills ( his responsibility as much as yours) then ask him what his solution would be.

Throw the responsibility back at him because he seems to be implying that paying bills is your problem while he spends on luxuries for himself.

The fact you already spent your money and he saved his is neither here nor there because circumstances have now changed for the worse.
For a start he’s not working and you are keeping him so the very least he can do is give up the £700 (and get a job).

He could earn £200 by doing surveys online, buying and selling on eBay etc.

Pissedoffdotcom · 14/11/2018 21:32

Similar situation here with DP off work due to MH issues. Long term signed off, SSP only from this month. I'm on maternity. We cannot survive so I will have to go back to work early.
DP is due a fairly substantial amount of money from a settlement & the first thing he said was he will transfer the equivalent of 6 months wages into the bills account. Despite that money technically & legally being his, his family comes first.

I would really struggle with your OH's attitude tbh. I totally get that hobbies help with MH - i see that with my own dp - but a hobby should never, ever come at the detriment of the family. If you are incurring daily charges on the overdraft you need to get out of it asap.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 21:33

Doesn’t matter if she spent it on diamonds and caviar, it’s gone. What matters is how the rent will be paid in a couple of months.

Original poster
TootingBoots · 14/11/2018 21:33

The money was fun money. It was extra money to household costs, savings, trips out etc. We now can’t afford fun money. If I had any to give I would put it all in. The bit I did have in my account I put in to the family pot. I’m working ridiculously long hours and not seeing as much of my children as I want to support our finances. That’s what I’m doing.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 14/11/2018 21:34

He's unemployed and you have 2 children?

Tell him to hand over the fucking money for family use and start job hunting. Hobbies come last.

Zofloramummy · 14/11/2018 21:35

Btw what did you spend your extra on? Designer gear, false nails, hair dos etc? Basically did you spend 100% of the money purely on yourself? Or did you spend it on kids clothes, family days/meals out, shared stuff?

whystay · 14/11/2018 21:36

It sounds like you seriously need to increase the income coming into your family ASAP, in whatever way that's possible for you as a family. I'm reading that you only have £700 in savings (which your DH wants to spend on his hobby) and you are in your overdraft and are spending more than you earn each month.

That's unsustainable, but you must already know that.

Zofloramummy · 14/11/2018 21:37

Ah! Sorry just seen your post. So you didn’t spend it on yourself. That is what he wants to do with ‘his’ money.
He benefited from these days out and fun money didn’t he?
Well now it’s hard times and his fun money needs to be spent on feeding and clothing his children.

Original poster
TootingBoots · 14/11/2018 21:38

CountDracula I’m doing everything I can to earn as much as I can. I don’t see my children anywhere near as much as I want to. This was never supposed to be a long term solution and I hate it. To be fair he’s doing the bulk of home stuff etc.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 14/11/2018 21:38

Even putting aside the £700 he must know the family budget.....

Original poster
TootingBoots · 14/11/2018 21:40

C0untDucku1a sorry.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 14/11/2018 21:40

And even that won’t plug the gap it’ll only be a short term fix.

Bottom line is that he needs to get a job. And even if he thinks it’s beneath him to do whatever that job is, well it’s actually really valuable because it’ll make the difference between financial disaster or being able to manage.

If he can do that for his family then he is doing something really important. And maybe that is how you need to approach it with him.

eggncress · 14/11/2018 21:48

Yes as pp said getting any kind of work will be helping his family.

He must realise you work flat out and are at your limit?

Does he realise he could lose his home ? How could he enjoy his hobby then?

Swipe left for the next trending thread