Am I or is DH?

[TootingBoots]

We are in a financially shit position. I didn’t get paid in September and he is out of work at the moment with poor mental health. We have 2DC.

We are £1000 into a £1500 overdraft and I’m scared we are going to go over that limit. He has about £700 in savings as he wants to buy something related to his hobby. It has taken him a long time to save this money.

My argument is if we use the £700 to pay off most of the overdraft it would help me sleep at night and stop some of the daily charges. We could then pay him back when we can afford it. I know it sucks to see the money you’ve saved go up in smoke but family finances come before personal.

His argument- he will pay it if we do go to the limit of the planned overdraft. Before then he doesn’t need to. He’s saved for a long time and I’ve had a similar amount of money in my personal account I’ve just spent it rather than saved so can’t contribute to paying this debt off. It wouldn’t be fair to now ask him to do so.

Who’s right? We just keep going in circles with this and I can’t help but find his attitude incredibly selfish.

[MixedMaritalArts]

Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you could with the information you had to hand to make decisions. New info. New choices. You’ve got this!

[ChocChipPancake]

Except for September, you are covering all the bills?
If so, it doesn’t really matter than previously you have used additional money for other purposes. You are covering the bills and he isn’t contributing financially
Unfortunately the money he has needs to be used to keep you all afloat as your pay does not cover all the costs.

[Zofloramummy]

Sit down with him and do a budget between you. Income and outgoings. Cut whatever you can and see what the reality of the situation is. Depression can involve an ability to be an ostrich and not face reality. But it doesn’t mean he can’t and shouldn’t. You can’t make him better but you both have to work on a solution to this situation together in a calm manner that doesn’t involve blaming each other and arguing.

[stopmeifyouveheardthisonebe4]

1.How can you do that to someone so unwell you could really see themselves turning to self harm or worse?
His mental health isn't your responsibility. Go back to the GP (would he let you go with him?) and see if he can get seen any sooner. And once he has his 6 sessions, there is an option to extend it if the therapist and managers agree. And they'll refer to adult mental health if they consider it necessary, so don't write it off. If that's also his attitude, then he won't respond to any treatment. If he's going in thinking it won't help, it won't. He has to do the work.

2. If he’s at home with the kids and I leave then he will get main residence of them or whatever it’s called and I will see them even less.
Would you leave him with the kids? It doesn't sound like he would manage.

It sounds like he's stuck in a MH rut and you're trying to get him out of it. He needs to climb out himself, with your support & encouragement. Holding onto his money probably makes him feel secure and in control

[Graphista]

"The GP has upped his dossage to 40mg" of which exact meds? That would be a very low dose for some and high for others.

Therapy without a proper dx is pointless and really only a psychiatrist can do that. Even under the umbrella of "depression" there are many variations. There's often co-morbid anxiety disorders which too often go undx and untreated.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/cut-overdraft-costs/

Bloody hell! Is that an agreed overdraft?! That's insane! That's £36 pcm with nothing to show for it!

Have you spoken to ANYONE other than dwp/tax credits staff about your finances?

[TootingBoots]

I’m going to phone bank tomorrow and see if they can help by freezing charges or recommending loan/ credit card that would be cheaper instead.

I’m going to do a spreadsheet of incomings/ outgoings and see how we can save. I know we’ve been eating crappy take away or convenience food more than we should. I feel too tired/ don’t have the time and he doesn’t feel up to it at the moment. That should be an easy(ish) one to sort out.

He’s on Citalopram at the moment. He also has anxiety.

[Zofloramummy]

That’s the top dose for citalopram. Has he tried any other AD’s? Some people need to change their beds around until they find one that works. When I was on that dose I felt detached from reality and like a zombie. I was better on a lower dose because I still had some connection to my emotions.

[Zofloramummy]

Meds not beds

[TootingBoots]

To be honest I haven’t managed this as well as I could have. I’ve buried my head in the sand over our finances because I just don’t have the energy left over to try and sort that out as well as everything else. This thread has given me the kick up the arse I need to deal with it and tomorrow evening I will set some time aside to do just that.

[TootingBoots]

Yes Zoflora he’s been on many different meds at many different doses. They seem to either leave him feeling detached or don’t work at all. I get glimpses of the man I love. But mostly not.

graphista thank you for the overdraft link. I’m going to have a real look tomorrow but it seems good. There are a few ideas I hadn’t thought off- paying it with a 0 balance credit card for one. I have an excellent credit rating so hopefully would be accepted.

[Zofloramummy]

That’s the difficult thing about AD’s they push the mute button on your emotions. You don’t crash to the deepest lows but neither do you feel the highs. I am sorry it’s a horrid situation to be in.

[stopmeifyouveheardthisonebe4]

www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/best-0-credit-cards/

But don't get yourself in to more debt. I've recently got the Sainsbury's one :) Good luck with everything. You've got this!

[MixedMaritalArts]

Read about stepchange.org ( on here and MSE ) before you approach anyone about changing payments. Do not pay a third party to manage debt. There are free advice services. I just popped over to the mind website lots of useful contacts listed including the one’s already advised ... also make sure you have found the cheapest number to contact companies if calling them esp from a mobile phone.

[Graphista]

Ok citalopram is an ssri. He's on max dose and you say it isn't working. How long has he been on it?

I have OCD with reactive agoraphobia, underlying depression & anxiety. I was on citalopram years ago, didn't find it that helpful. It can be really difficult to find the right med & dose. Is he on nothing for the anxiety?

Unfortunately detachment is true for most of them, u guess its partly necessary to give us distance from the negative feelings. It doesn't feel good though.

Glad to have maybe been able to help. Sorting out finances is a pita! But necessary.

"Do not pay a third party to manage debt. There are free advice services" absolutely!

Re cheapest phone numbers - I use saynoto0870 - also good for finding numbers where you get through to an actual person rather than automated "press 1 for opening times" crap!

I've heard good things about step change, Christians against poverty, I use a small local charity - they can be really good as they know about local routes to getting deals on goods and services, grants, access to services etc.

[DianaT1969]

Can he get a weekend job? Not sure how it would affect benefits, but would make the £200 shortfall and he can still look after the DC while you work during the week. Any weekend work. Coming up to Christmas he might get retail/warehouse work quickly.

[umizoomi]

It doesn't matter that the OP spent her money - as a family they were all in a different financial circumstance than they are now.

I have a couple of friends in similar situations. Their husbands have not worked for a number of years due to depression and their wives are working ridiculous hours just to try and stay afloat.

One in particular has 3 kids and her husband moans about her going out to work as he has to look after the youngest child, then when she comes home she still cooks, cleans etc. He complains about that. Tells her that none of the medications/ therapy etc is working.

He was paid off from his job and bought the house and has a little saved which he won't hand over for household finances.

Depression or not, that's not a relationship, it's like having another child screaming 'it's mine'.
Same with the OP's husband. It's all well and good wanting to be creative and fulfilled but in the meantime the mortgage still needs paying and everyone still needs feeding.

[Lovingbenidorm]

I can see why he’s pissed off after saving the money, but you are a family, family comes first. Debt is a black cloud hanging over you. Use the £700 to pay off the overdraft then when you are back on your feet he can treat himself (when you can BOTH afford it)

[Petitprince]

If he plays an instrument can he go busking? Or pick up local gigs in pubs? My friend makes quite a bit that way, particularly near Christmas.

[Brel]

Hmm asking somebody else to help you to give you a purpose in life. Not a good idea; although being a good provider is also a meaningful purpose in life.

Apparently, he’s been feeling “unfulfilled” for 8 years, he wants to make money with his creative talents. I don’t know for how long he hasn’t been working, but he should get a reasonable period to recover (I accept that being in the wrong job can give you all sorts of tremendous anxiety etc…). It’s between you and him to work out what’s reasonable. Many creative types have a normal (bearable) job to sustain their (financially unrewarding) endeavours. In all likeliness, he isn’t good enough at his creative stuff – no shame in that the world’s full with average people. It would be easier if he would just accept that. Even though he wants to be recognized for it, he’s average and that’s okay. Life is full of suffering (not a big fan of slogans like: “optimism is a moral duty” etc…). The moment you fully accept that, it becomes easier. Not go overboard in avoiding painful/shameful experiences – probably leads to aggravating the problem. You can’t change it (off course if you can “fix” the problem you obviously should; he might become a music teacher, what do I know), accept it. Easier said than done off course. I’ve had my fair share of existential problems along the years and the best thing I can come up with is to live according to my morals.

Saying this: take the money. Give it back when you get back on your feet. Oh and don’t be afraid to walk away, it’s been a long time, and apparently he’s been getting a lot of help. Sometimes leaving is also doing him a favour and maybe the kick he needs (or not - depends really but that isn’t really your issue). I went a bit off my normal behaviour a couple of years ago (one of the factors being my mum getting cancer), and I wasn’t pleasant to be around – very withdrawn and I also had bad anxiety attacks (vomiting, thoughts all over the place etc…). Ex-partner left after 3 months, I don’t blame her – I wasn’t enjoyable company-, after she left I ended up looking for professional help.

[HelloViroids]

There are meds for drug resistant depression - when citalopram didn’t work for me (after many years) I switched to an SNRI called Venlafaxine. For me personally it’s been a life saver. Worth trying?!

[Butteredghost]

Ah this is really tough one because obviously the family needs the money, and you are wasting money on interest.

On the other hand, you got to spend your money. Not that you were in the wrong for doing so, as you weren't in financial trouble at the time.

On the other other hand, since he is the one not working, maybe he should contribute the money. However it isn't his fault either as it is due to his health issues.

However I think it's unfair to say the family will just "borrow" the money and he will get it back. You say he won't be able to work again any time soon so the financial trouble doesn't have any end in sight. He may think you are being disingenuous saying its just a temporary loan?

[MsHopey]

My DH has depression, it's like the ocean, it's always there but the it comes in waves of severity.
He's not been able to work at some points. I think most the posters have been very unfair, he's getting benefits related to his illness, so clearly someone in a professional capacity had diagnosed his as too ill to work.
And even with these benefits the short fall is £200, meaning he doesn't need to just earn £200, he has to earn that PLUS the benefits they will lose with him going back to work.
And things like:
For a start he’s not working and you are keeping him
No one says that to a SAHM who does everything at home aswell as looks after the kids. I think it's disgusting what people are saying about someone with a severe mental health issue who is still going his best to help his family just struggling with the work place environment about it.
So he gives you his £700, what's the plan going forwards? You think you'll be right back in the over draft, it might buy you a few weeks but then you will still be struggling.
Maybe try and get rid of some of your expenses any way possible. Before my maternity leave I changed energy supplier, cancelled subscriptions, anything that would lower our outgoings.
I don't know what the answer is, and I do think sometimes sitting at home feeling unproductive might make your depression worse, but if he is as low as you describe (Or lower) you probably shouldn't scream at him "just get a job". I understand you are struggling financially and with children this is more severe than a normal relationship/family, but you have admitted his depression is terrible and what started off as support (telling him to leave his job) had quickly turned to resentment and I think alot of people don't realise the impact this might have on him aswell.
I don't know what the answer is regarding the money, which I know is a massive deal.
I just think people still see mental health issues as bullshit and to sweep them under the rug.
At one point in my marriage I used to be scared to go to work incase my DH killed himself while I was gone, it is terrifying and hopeless but with the right support you can get through it.

[CaliHummers]

If the hobby that "helps" him is a musical instrument he hasn't bought yet, how can it be helping him currently?

I'm assuming the hobby is music rather than one specific instrument. Plus instruments vary greatly in quality. He may e.g. have a cheap, plastic version of a woodwind instrument and have saved for months for a much better wooden version. One of the problems with depression is that it's easy to get fixed on one thing and think that's the answer to it all and then spiral further downwards when that doesn't work. So he may be fixated on this better instrument being the thing that will save him.

Just watch you don't slide into depression yourself OP. That sense of exhaustion can be the start.

[6onTheHappyFarm]

Again I'd really ring crmhristians against poverty, from your post updates it sounds like there's quite a lot of improvements that could be made to your current financial set up.

Have a look on some of the budget and frugal threads here. Loads of ideas for cheap, quick, tasty meals. Things like eggs are cheap and so are potatoes. Very easy to whip up a quick omelette or bakeed potato at the end of the day. Google "Cooking on a bootstrap". Loads of good ideas there. Meal plan. Try supermarket own brand alternatives. We have tried nearly all of them, and my family like about 2/3s of them, so we buy these instead of branded things. I can get our grocery shop down to £40 a week for the 5 of us when I really need to.

Depression isn't something your DH can just snap out of, he can't just cheer up and head off to work as some PP have suggested. When my mum was at her worst we were dealing with constant suicide attempts and disappearances. She couldn't have worked if our lives depended on it, and I mean that. After years and years of nothing helping she had to be sectioned and went into a rehab facility.

I know there are varying degrees of MH issues, but I wanted to illustrate to those with no direct experience of it impacting someone they love that people can't just catch themselves on and go to work. Yes, some people suffering with MH issues will find work gives them a purpose, but for many it's impossible.

[TootingBoots]

MsHopey I don’t scream, I would never scream. I just would like to. His depression has such a negative affect on all of us (himself mainly but me and the kids suffer too) and he can’t even see that. I know it’s not his fault. I know I need to be kinder/ more patient but I am starting to resent what my life has become.

I don’t think he can just snap out of it and get a job. He is too unwell for that. I’m looking at budgeting/ 2nd weekend cleaning jobs/ credit cards to get us through this awful patch. It would be nice just to feel like we are on the same team fighting this stuff together and we aren’t. It’s all on me. And has been for years. That’s exhausting. I know it’s worse for him. I just feel my own mental health is circling the drain and I’m spread far too thin. I’m so, so tired.