Am I or is DH?

[TootingBoots]

We are in a financially shit position. I didn’t get paid in September and he is out of work at the moment with poor mental health. We have 2DC.

We are £1000 into a £1500 overdraft and I’m scared we are going to go over that limit. He has about £700 in savings as he wants to buy something related to his hobby. It has taken him a long time to save this money.

My argument is if we use the £700 to pay off most of the overdraft it would help me sleep at night and stop some of the daily charges. We could then pay him back when we can afford it. I know it sucks to see the money you’ve saved go up in smoke but family finances come before personal.

His argument- he will pay it if we do go to the limit of the planned overdraft. Before then he doesn’t need to. He’s saved for a long time and I’ve had a similar amount of money in my personal account I’ve just spent it rather than saved so can’t contribute to paying this debt off. It wouldn’t be fair to now ask him to do so.

Who’s right? We just keep going in circles with this and I can’t help but find his attitude incredibly selfish.

[BlueEyedPersephone]

Depression is awful, no debate. But your kids can't eat, be heated by or wear a musical instrument, Assuming they are his kids. He is as responsible as you are to provide for them.

Bottom line they come first.... all else is bollocks.

[Missingstreetlife]

Lots of people with cancer go to work. He needs to earn £50 a week plus whatever extra benefits they are getting (esa). Pp who said pip is an idiot, just look up the criteria.
How does he see the future? He needs to see some consequences or he's just going to be atay at home dad by default. Ok if you agree, or time limited but he needs to get real

[Thebluedog]

Mental health issues are an illness and we wouldn’t be telling him to go back to work if he had cancer.

You spent your money on what you wanted, and put whatever was left back in the pot.

No it’s not fair for him to put his savings back into the house, but sometimes life isn’t fair and you have to do things that aren’t fair. He might nit want to do it but the fact remains you are both in serious debt with dc so he needs to use this money for the family, regardless if it’s fair or not. It’s all part of being a grown up

[CottonTailRabbit]

Surely he should spend some of that £700 on a few career or life coaching sessions. Fuck the vague therapy to make him feel happier. Specialist help on getting a job he can cope with well enough and maybe one day excel at is what's needed.

[JessicaJonesJacket]

He's ill. The savings represent not just a financial but an emotional commitment to the possibility of a better future, to something that still maintains his interest and brings him a spark of pleasure. It's very hard to abandon a dream if you're depressed and it's become your focus. But he has said he'll use his savings. They're disagreeing over timescale.

[BewareOfDragons]

Why the hell should he be 'paid back'?!?!

These are his children?! This is his home? His hobby comes last, not first, and those funds are needed by the family!

[Ratbagratty]

Not much point spending it on his hobby, if in 3 months time you won't have a home to enjoy it from....

[NWQM]

It's seriously unreasonable that whilst contributing very little and you scarifying family time to do over time he still feels that he should be paid back for the £700 and not start saving again. I get that he is unwell but it sounds as if you will now have the discussion every month - fingers crossed it won't be why did you fail to make enough with a begrudging amount handed over. Who is taking on the interest free debt?

[Mbhatescf123]

Saving up the 700 obviously took a while and he could have spent the money bit by bit like you. If its for one big thing and he needs hundreds more, then there isnt more money to save so the 700 will just be in his account when he could pay to the overdraft and then when things are better save again. He isnt working and you have supported him so he is being unreasonable. You were only frivolous when you could be as the situation was different and you could afford it. Its not right to justify his meanness with the fact that you spent at the time and he saved. Its breathtakingly selfish and manipulative to not see that the circumstances are far different and you dont have the money and if you had saved u would put the money in especially if it was because you gave up work for mental health and hubby supported you in that. He is repaying your love and care by taking the absolute piss. Saying its the only thing makes him feel better and that he doesnt feel up to work. He doesnt care what its doing to you though!

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

If he is into music would he consider tutoring at all? He could do one hour a week to start with and then build up?

[Bluetrews25]

Being made redundant made me depressed and lose self worth.
Working again fixed it.
Not saying this will happen for your DH, OP.
It seems that he will be depressed at home and depressed at work too. So DH might as well be depressed at work and bring in some cash, as staying at home is not fixing anything and is causing multiple problems.
If he refuses to try and help this way, I would seriously be thinking about leaving and letting him do what he wants. You could argue that you are enabling him in not trying harder to recover.
That sounds really harsh, and I am so sorry, but you are killing yourself physically and emotionally while he gets to sit and dream about his wonderful new instrument and winning X factor....

[BumbleBeee69]

should he be paid back when you are totally keeping him?

If anything he should be paying you back

I agree with this sentiment

[Rudgie47]

Why should he be paid back when you are totally keeping him?

If anything he should be paying you back.

I'd kick him out and I've had depression really badly but I wasn't a sponger and tight like him.

[LilMy33]

Just seen your update. If you do sit down and see what savings can be made, make sure you are both sacrificing things not just you. My selfish financially abusive arse of an ex didn’t want to switch from fags to roll ups and instead suggested our child to switch schools to a closer one to save on the odd bus fare when it rained amongst other ridiculous things

[LilMy33]

I don’t think it comes down to what’s fair and what isn’t. He has £700 just sitting there while the family is sailing very close to the wind financially and need that money.

OP what would you do if the boot was on the other foot? I know what I’d do and it wouldn’t be refusing to hand over the money while my family went further into the red because I wanted it for a fucking hobby.

[CraftyYankee]

Does he exercise at all? Even a walk can help.

[TootingBoots]

Firesuit the problem with that is we can’t afford the overdraft charges and are trying to get rid of it for that reason. It’s about £35 per month. Which might not be a lot to some people but to us it’s almost a weeks food shop.
We have compromised on the £700 for now. We are going to do a budget and see what savings can be made and if I can move overdraft into interest free borrowing. Whatever we are short of each month after that he will put into the account until we can find a solution. When we are back on our feet he will be paid back.

A previous poster said that depression can make you fixate on something that you think will make you feel better and then it crashes and burns when it doesn’t. I think that’s what he’s doing with the music, but it is good for him to have a focus and something to take his mind of things. We are going to look into voluntary work as a gentle step back into paid work . Im going to look into batch cooking- it’s not something he has the energy to cope with at the moment and I quite like cooking so that will take the pressure off bit.

[Firesuit]

I've only skimmed the thread, so I hope this isn't a redundant proposal. I would suggest to him that in exchange for lending money to the family account, he gets interest on it at the overdraft rate when it's repaid to him.

[Dottierichardson]

It doesn't matter what you spent the money on in the past, that's the past, and in any case your supporting your partner to leave work and then yours being the main income was a selfless act that more than makes up for any money you spent.

The bottom line is you need to deal with what's facing you now, never mind what happened before. The money will need to go to sort out your current debts, to give you time to get advice and sort out your future budget. Some good advice from other posters on this. Your partner needs to acknowledge that, hard for people with certain kinds of depression to do...You are both parents, he needs to act like that and do what's in the best interests of the family. You are taking on too much guilt here, you sound as if you did your absolute best to support him and your family. Good for you. It seems as if your partner is acting as if you need to parent him too, that's not possible, he needs to deal with his issues.

[NWQM]

For what it is worth I think he is being unreasonable to keep the £700 when the family desperately needs it when he doesn't have a plan B to sort out the overdraft or make up the £200:

[slappinthebass]

If he is capable of looking after the children and partaking in a hobby, he is capable of working part time. If he wants to keep his hobby money, fine. But he needs to bring in some income then.

But what did you do for the whole month of September, caring wise? Was it looking after him? The children?

How long has this been going on for? To be honest, I know I will receive a flaming for this, but I could not continue a relationship long term if my partner was too depressed to work and live a normal family life. It's too much to handle.

What is his hobby?

[JessicaJonesJacket]

You have two different issues : finances and family. Even if DH gave you his savings, it doesn't solve your financial shortfall long term (and personally I don't think he is BU to want to keep his savings. Your OD fees won't total £700 but he'll probably never get that money back again. That's demoralizing even if you don't have depression!).
Citizen's Advice can offer budgeting/finance/benefits help. Contact them.
Could your DH consider voluntary work? It's a way to ease him gently back into the workplace and I know when my DF couldn't work because of depression, he could volunteer. It's a lighter weight of expectation and less stress.
Then you need to focus on yourself and the DCs ie how you're all managing living with someone with depression. Do you need counselling or a support group or just a regular night out/catch up with friends? You need to take care of yourself

[ReadMyLipss]

All the posters telling the OP that she was selfish for spending her 'fun money'on frivolous things really need to leave her alone.

They were already putting money in a savings /rainy day pot but also each getting some spending money. Do you not think that if she had a crystal ball at the time to see what shit they were going to be in then they would have saved ALL that extra money as rainy day money? Even his £700 share?

To be honest I haven’t managed this as well as I could have. I’ve buried my head in the sand over our finances because I just don’t have the energy left over to try and sort that out as well as everything else.

There are so many I's in this paragraph that you wrote OP and it's so sad to see. It doesn't seem fair that the whole burden seems completely on your shoulders alone. Does he take any responsibility at all for the family finances? Does he even see?

You mentioned also that your spend too much on takeaways because he won't cook even though he's a SAHD? That's really selfish of him when you're in the financial position you're in. I'm sorry, but it is.

Just because he has depression doesn't mean that he's absolved from taking any responsibility for his own and your children's lives.

[croprotationinthe13thcentury]

If he plays an instrument can he go busking?
That’s exactly what he will be doing if he doesn't get out of his head this ridiculous notion of spending £700 quid on a musical instrument when he isn't working and his family is in dire straits.

[TootingBoots]

Thank you all for great advice. I love my DH more than I can ever say. He has been my rock over the years, we’ve been together since we were kids. It’s devestating watching how this illness robs him of everything, with seemingly no respite. I just want him back. Posting has made me realise it was never really about the £700. I’m struggling with all of it. But thank you for your ideas- I know where to concentrate my time and efforts!