Am I or is DH?

[TootingBoots]

We are in a financially shit position. I didn’t get paid in September and he is out of work at the moment with poor mental health. We have 2DC.

We are £1000 into a £1500 overdraft and I’m scared we are going to go over that limit. He has about £700 in savings as he wants to buy something related to his hobby. It has taken him a long time to save this money.

My argument is if we use the £700 to pay off most of the overdraft it would help me sleep at night and stop some of the daily charges. We could then pay him back when we can afford it. I know it sucks to see the money you’ve saved go up in smoke but family finances come before personal.

His argument- he will pay it if we do go to the limit of the planned overdraft. Before then he doesn’t need to. He’s saved for a long time and I’ve had a similar amount of money in my personal account I’ve just spent it rather than saved so can’t contribute to paying this debt off. It wouldn’t be fair to now ask him to do so.

Who’s right? We just keep going in circles with this and I can’t help but find his attitude incredibly selfish.

[CaledonianQueen]

If he can keep going to/ attending his hobby then he should be able to go back to work!

You have drained all of your joint savings to cover the cost of his time off work. Surely it would make sense to use the £700 to either pay off debt occurred due to his being off work, or to replace the joint savings that have been spent keeping the family going.

Is he returning to work soon? If not you really need to look into benefits and/ or insurance policies that you can use to cover payment of mortgage. Has your DH been to the GP and started/ increased antidepressants?

Why were you not paid in September? Surely you must be entitled to this money?

[MIdgebabe]

HAve you anything of yours you can sell so he doesn’t feel his sensible saving has been penalised?

[AskMeHow]

The £700 needs to go towards bills, there's no doubt about that.

I'm sorry he's suffering with ill health but he has to do his bit to keep the show on the road, and the money he's saved would give you two or three months breathing space by the sounds of it.

If he's been off work/suffering mental I'll health a while, can he apply for PIP? It might be worth looking into, to get a bit of money coming in.

[acatcalledjohn]

We used to have a small amount of money each month each to spend how we wished- I was frivolous with mine (I thought I could afford to be) and he saved his.

I called him selfish and he’s took himself off to bed. He has severe depression and says the hobby is the only thing that helps.

I feel sorry for your DH. You are the one frivolous with money and yet he's the one losing out whilst severely depressed.

And you call him selfish?

I get that family comes first, but you failed to save for a rainy day. That's really bloody selfish of you.

[Loopytiles]

He is BU. The money is needed for the family.

You were unwise to overspend “your” share rather than save, but that can’t now be helped.

He needs to work on his health, eg accessing all available support, following the GP’s advice, and get back to paid work asap.

It’s manipulative of him to claim that the hobby is “the only thing that helps”. Plenty of us with mental health issues would love to spend lots more time and money on hobbies, but also have responsibilities!

[TootingBoots]

I’m not being paid in September due to time off for caring responsibilities, unfortunately I’m not entitled it so can’t argue for it.

I want him to return to work, even just a day or two a week but he feels like he can’t. We are receiving all benefits we are entitled to. Treatment hasn’t helped. At all.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It’s not your fault at all. Is he saying it is?

If he’s too ill to work he must be receiving benefits? If he’s not to ill to work and didn’t get on with his old job but could still be bringing money in by working around you - an evening shift in a shop which could be low stress and make up the shortfall.

If you’re £200 down a month you can’t afford to be sitting on any savings at all. What’s his solution to the ongoing issue given you’re already working as many hours as you can?

I’m sure you’d like an expensive hobby too. He’s got his head completely in the sand and I’d be struggling to respect him right now. It’s not about having depression. He’s still got responsibilities including children that need feeding.

Is he getting support from his doctor? Therapy? Antidepressants?

You’re not being selfish. You’re being the one grown up in your household. The household needs all the money available to it. Hobbies don’t come before food and shelter and he’s being very out of order trying to emotionally blackmail you.

[gamerchick]

If you're getting 200 quid a month more in the hole then that money will just be a temporary fix anyway.

He needs to get a job. Christ 10 hours a week cleaning will cover the shortfall. The shit is going to hit the fan in a few months and no 700 quid is going to save you. Just starve off the inevitable.

[katseyes7]

My ex husband did something similar. He was off work after having a bad accident. His colleagues very kindly had a collection for him, and brought (what was then) quite a substantial sum of money for us. He then announced it was 'his' money and spent the lot on a Scalextric set. At the time he was getting about 1/3 of his usual salary in sick pay, he had the heating on constantly so we'd had a £400 bill, and he bought a bloody Scalextric set which got 'played' with about four times then he got bored with it.
Strangely though, my shift allowance and weekend working enhancements weren't 'mine', though....

[acatcalledjohn]

If he can keep going to/ attending his hobby then he should be able to go back to work!

Bollocks. Should he stay in bed and do fuck all?

[TootingBoots]

acat we did save for a rainy day. All savings are now gone. The individual money was never meant for saving but spending on what we wanted. I get that it’s unfair but for you to say I didn’t save is wrong.

[Loopytiles]

What does he think will pay the bills if he does no paid work at all?

Has he been back to the GP to review the treatment options?

[EenyMeenyMo]

why didn't you get paid?
it does seem harsh that you got to spend your money on frivolous things but he doesn't get to spend his because he was more sensible. I don'r really see the difference between spending the overdraft first and then his savings and vice versa (putting aside interest) - and he isn't saying he is going to spend his money on himself- i guess if things improve before the overdraft runs out he has safeguarded his savings

[dontalltalkatonce]

What the fuck are all these expensive hobbies? Why do people just call it 'hobby' when it's in no way outing unless his hobby is dogging with MPs or something.

[Bowerbird5]

Tell him he can keep it if he gets a part time job in a supermarket or a postman as Royal Mail usually take people on for the Christmas rush. Otherwise the kids will have a crap Christmas and you will be depressed and worried. Surely if it isn't his usually job he could do a few hours a day .

[TootingBoots]

The other problem I have is a lot of his depression comes from feeling unfulfilled. I have a career I enjoy and am good at. He hated his job and felt that the things he is good at (creative stuff) wouldn’t give him a sustainable career. I think he would hate me if I told him he needed to get a job he’d hate. He has asked me to help him find a purpose in the past but I want to scream “just get a bloody job. Any job.” And I don’t think it helps.

[Rudgie47]

So basically your keeping him? He sounds like a right child, I would just tell him either he pays his way or leaves. Why should you get deeper into debt before he coughs up?

[croprotationinthe13thcentury]

700 on a hobby, that would be a lot even if he WAS working and you WEREN’T skint. Ludicrous.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

I think what OP is saying about the savings vs her "frittering" her money away is that at the time it was accrued they could afford to have some each, it was fun money and not intended for savings at the time. The fact he chose to save his doesn't make her selfish or irresponsible for not saving hers, as circumstances were different.

However things have changed again, and all the money needs to go in the family pot. I think maybe his depression is clouding his judgement (been there, got the t-shirt) I can see his point about the money being his, but the bigger picture is that the family is struggling with income lower than expenditure. It doesn't make sense to have savings whilst accruing the charges. He can have priority over the spare cash once the finances are healthier.

Re his depression not getting better, he needs to get back to the doctor.

[Believeitornot]

Sorry but why is your fault that you’ve decided to go full time and he effectively becomes a SAHD?

Surely a joint decision. He needs to get help for his depression and get back to work to be honest.

I’m sort of on the flip side - my dh and I ageeed I’d take a career break as my job had been making me ill and rundown for years. But we both agreed it and we did work out a tight budget beforehand. Your mistake is keeping personal spending money when clearly you can’t afford it.

You also need a contingency plan! He can’t stay out of work forever.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

X posted with your last post. He does sound like a child.

[Butterymuffin]

Don't get why you are incurring daily charges if you are still at this point £500 within your overdraft limit?

I don't see the need to use the whole £700 immediately on paying off the overdraft - surely you'll just need it again? I do think he should make available any money you need for bills from that 700 once you are actually up to the limit. But that's different.

You mention not getting paid in September because of caring responsibilities - for your kids or someone else? That money's gone now anyway, but the fact is, you can't afford to do that again, so if that situation still applies, next time somebody else (him?) will have to take on those caring responsibilities.

[Believeitornot]

He has asked me to help him find a purpose in the past but I want to scream

I’m not surprised.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own happiness.

[Missingstreetlife]

Say he must choose going back to work and keep the savings, or drag out the sick leave and use the savings to keep you afloat. Just check he cant get esa or tax credit, housing Ben etc. Start eating beans, cut everything, if he is home but could work he should be doing housework, cooking etc. It all sounds a bit too easy. Has he tried counselling/therapy?

[Zofloramummy]

Bottom line you have kids. Who should have saved/spent whatever doesn’t matter. What matters is food, and a roof over you head with all priority bills paid. £700 with a £200 monthly deficit won’t last you until jan.

Have you looked into every possible cost saving measure? Changing suppliers, getting rid of tv subscriptions etc?

Whilst in the grips of depression it can feel impossible to achieve anything. However a life with no purpose at all doesn’t help to bring you out of a pit. He has to look at what he can realistically achieve and if right now it’s a minimum wage job but that means you have enough money to survive then that needs to be his purpose.

Really sorry you and your family are going through this. I know what it’s like to be very skint.