WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

I'd be totally devastated. I don't get why you are judging her for her reaction when you are breaking her heart? You're going to do it anyway so can't you at least allow her her feelings?

I honestly think I’d be happy for them and proud that they had the confidence & ambition to do something really different and exciting. I think I’d be much more disappointed if they just left home, got a job in our (rather dreary) town and just lived down the road. Where’s the ambition in that? My DS isn’t just here to provide me with company, I have my own life to lead and so does he, I think my DH would find it harder than I would.

DexyMidnight I think I would be devastated.

Of course my children (now 8 and 14) will do as they please with their lives. As an English woman I might try and put a brave face on it.

"In any event it's not the fact she was honest that got to me it's the fact that she couldn't be happy for us, if you see what i mean?"

I don't really see what you mean. She isn't happy. But you want her to pretend to be.

You may not feel that anything will change. You are totally right to do what you want with your life. But you cannot make others happy about it.

For what it is worth, (having traveled around Australia) it is not as easy to live there at times, the heat, the insects etc. But I did find it very nice, fun, good attitude of people. Eventually I chose not to stay ( I could have, maybe) and my parents were quite accepting when I headed off.

I think your MIL will come round, you and your dh deserve to be happy and to go where you choose to.

Dexy more of my resentment is because she is quite cold about it. She has booked a flight to go see her family which is further away from us, and needed a transit. And chose the transit to be in a country right next to us. Even though we were begging for them to stop at our country so we can see them a bit and show him my baby.

He made it clear it was her decision because she didn’t want to be patient and choose dates that might be able to fit that because “she misses her family very much” and that she is “ a girl so more emotional about these stuff”.

Anyway.. don’t want to derail.

Didn’t mean to project on you OP. It’s just very very hard to lose a family member for good like that. You almost know it will make you grow apart.

As for us.. my husband had a successful job offer away, not that far.. and my father was also extremely gutted.. but supportive. If it was in Australia I’m sure he would be even more gutted.

My father was extremely gutted and the only way I managed to convince him was to promise to visit him twice a year and him at least once a year. Still difficult on him....

So it’s not a gender. Completely to do with the distance and the fact she is almost entirely growing too much apart from her DC.

I’m horrified thinkng that raising my baby for 18 years will end in him no where to be seen in the age where you reap what you sow .

If you go Australia it’s alnost certain you won’t be able to see them except couple of times before they die

What ridiculous guilt tripping nonsense !

The MIL is 59 and the FIL 60. They could well live for another 25 years.

The OP and her Dh are planning to come back every 9 months. They will pay for MIL and FIL to visit them.

I’d be devastated and I’m a first generation immigrant so having family spanning two continents is normal for me. Australia is just so far. My family flit between the two countries a lot but it’s only (!) 12 hours and there are direct flights. Australia is gruelling and way more expensive. I hate the thought of not being able to reach my dc if they needed me and no matter how many Skype conversations you have with someone it’s no substitute for sitting in silence with them.

Actually, I know exactly how both of you feel.

In my mid-20's my ex and I did this, but in reverse (from the Antipodes to Europe). My parents were very supportive, and it was only years later that I found out that after we left, my Dad broke down and wept. This may sound extreme, but this was over 30 years ago and regular communication was no-where near as easy as it is now. Yes you had phones, but international calls were hideously expensive so were not frequent. Good old fashioned letters were our mainstay.
We planned to be gone a year, then go home. We were away for nearly 5 years.

Years later, when my eldest was a toddler, we again went to the other side of the world to spend time with my ex's family. When we left to come home a year or so later, HIS family were devastated and convinced they'd never see their grandson again. They did of course, but it wasn't the same. These days with Skype/face time etc it's better and easier to stay in touch, but it's not the same as being there.

Now the cycle has come full circle and in January I wave farewell to 2 of my kids as they head to Europe. I'm pleased for them, and excited for them, and gutted for me. I get teary just thinking about how much I'll miss them, but by the same token I'd be horrified if they said they were staying because they knew I was upset. They are adults and have their lives to live as they choose, just as I have (and am!).

As others have said, be kind to your MIL, and yourself. Both perspectives are valid.

Kind is off topic, when you get to Sydney, I fully recommend a Brazilian restaurant called Espetus Churrascaria there's also and Italian a boat ride away that does huge pizzas like 3ft ones!
Also the blue mountains are beautiful! I loved my time in Oz, whilst I love the way of life there, I couldn't manage the summers! Way too hot for me.

@wannabeyorkshire of course she's allowed her feelings i never said she wasn't. I just thought a parent would typically try and be supportive at the same time. But lots of posters have told me that it's not so easy which i can't really empathise with but i do understand better

My ds and his wife are moving to Dubai in January. I am gutted because I fear I may not see him again. I am in my 70s and it is a 7 hr flight, very expensive too. He has lived abroad for over 20 years but within Europe. My dgd will be staying in her birth country to finish university (she is 19). Ds is my pfb, my only son and he is in his late forties. I have congratulated him but I am sad. Your mil will be too.

I’d be sad but also very excited for my child. It’s an amazing opportunity for you both x

I would be so proud, I encourage her to be independent so would feel I have been successful in my parenting. I would love how brave and adventurous she was being.

But I have moved all over (in the UK and abroad), I am very, very close to my family, (closer to my parents then my siblings who have always lived 10-20 minutes away from them)- it just takes effort when your far away.

I would not want her to care for me when I'm elderly as she has her own life to live. I did not have a child for her to feel she has to be attached to me for the rest of my life.

You're 30, in love with a great bloke who has already moved abroad, you've got a promotion and a great opportunity to live and work in an amazing city in a country which is streaking ahead of the UK economically - I would be incredibly proud of you as my daughter and encouraging you to go and give it your best shot. Travel around the country as much as you can, and make sure you rent somewhere with a spare room so you can host your loving parents at Christmas!

@Cromer definitely getting a two bed AND a sofa bed in the hope they and DH's brother come. I so want them to feel welcome but its all water/horse/drink!!

The other thing she may be thinking is that if you like it there, it may become permanent. Two years is a long time as it is - I'd be gutted I think.

Kristina 🤨

It’s a fact though. Average life expectancy for males is 79 and 84 for women. Of that perhaps in good health it’s only up to 75sh before they deteriorate.

Ticket prices are huge.

How much do you bet they can’t spend the equivelant of a house deposit , on holidays that won’t completely cripple their budget as well as their annual leave from work.. and when they have DC, the prices will get more crazy.

Come on be serious now

I would be heartbroken. I did this to my mother 14 years ago - she is still heartbroken about it and constantly asks when im coming home - Im not, and she knows that, but she still asks. They live in another continent. Its 14 hours away - they come once a year sometimes. You do know how far Oz is and some older parents dont like flying for that long - right? This is great opportunity for you, but maybe your partners mother is thinking of her son - not you. It seems this move is mainly for you, not him. Your parents by your own admission, seem to not care as much, maybe try to understand that not all parents are like this. Are you sure its not just you who has pushed this move? Because it seems the move is mostly about you..... Sorry!

My parents were planning to move to the Caribbean when my brother turned 18. They didn't, but I had to plan as though they would. I was incredibly upset at the concept. BUT - I see my mum at least every week, ish - sometimes maybe not for 10 days, other times 3 times in a week. We probably chat every other day on the phone, and message each other several times a day. The ease of that and the frequency of visits would change hugely. But that's a very different parent child relationship from the one you describe. But I think accepting that the removal of choice of visiting may be really hard for her. It's much easier not to visit when you could but choose not to than if you have no choice.

Australia is just so much further than London - it's the other side of the world - forgive my ignorance but how does the time zone work for skyping, etc.?
I feel so incredibly sorry for your MIL.

Also it will be so much harder for you or her son to be able to help them as they get older.
I would try to put on a brave face of course but I would be absolutely broken hearted.

I do beleive that if your parents never neglected you when you are a vulnerable child, you shouldn’t neglect them when they are a vulnerable elderly.

I do think that’s part of give and take.

But i accept that’s not how everyone sees it.

So as this has come up so often yes - the time difference. Both mothers are being trained in what's app as we speak so we can say "hey you wsnt to skype?" or vice versa and we will know if the other person has received it (blue ticks). That helps a lot, i think.

We plan to skype mornings before work or weekend evenings (e.g. Sunday night).

In between we'll drop what's apps.

Fwiw his mum is so much better at what's app than mine

I would be absolutely gutted. My parents live 4 hours away. I see them every couple of months and it is NOT enough, especially as they get older. Even as it is they and we have lost out on having a very close grandparent/grandchild relationship because of the distance. The other side of the world would be virtually impossible (although I appreciate you have said you don’t want children).

I would do my best to put a brave face on it but honestly I would be heartbroken.

@ilovehumanity jeeeesh that's a bit heavy. All parents are 60ish and in good health. They both currently live 500 miles from London so the abandonment is already in motion I'm afraid!

I'd be devastated. I would want to be the kind of parent who could be thrilled for my adventurous and brave dc. But I'd be distraught in truth.

One of my best friends moved to Oz a few years ago. We lived in completely different parts of the cou try but chatted often on phone and text and had occasional weekend visits with each other. I cried for days as I knew it would hugely change our relationship. And it has. It's much harder to communicate via WhatsApp etc when the timings never work. Same with telephone calls, we have to book them in and it's rare to find a time that's good enough to be relaxing for both of us. It's a huge expense to visit, and requires at least 2 if not 3 weeks to make it worth it and to not just feel hellish from jet lag.

There's loads of reasons that I can completely understand feeling very upset tbh.

chocatoo Time difference is fine for Skype etc. I'm in UK, parent is in NZ... If I'm online at night, it's just tomorrow morning for them. 7-8-9ish works both ways.