WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

"This thread makes me wonder what a mum would say if her DD's successful husband uprooted the family. I feel for many it would be different, which makes me sad!"

For me it would probably not be different. It would probably matter if my son or daughter's partner were the reason for the move, rather than my child themselves. So for me if I felt my child wanted the move for themselves I might feel better about it. I am talking about this from my perspective as a parent.

If I were in your shoes I would do what I wanted to do.

Dexy I’m sorry but you do sound a bit cold too

I’d be devastated, even though of course I want my children to have “their own lives”.

My sister moved to NZ in 2003. She has been back once. We can’t afford to visit her and she can’t afford to visit again. I now have my own young dc and visiting isn’t really possible. Our dad now has dementia and has forgotten her name. I’m also resentful that he sent her money for years to help her, and now he is the one needing help and care, and she can’t provide any. I doubt she will even come back for his funeral.

@ilovehumanity i thought you sounded a bit creepy being so obsessive about your brother but i had the manners not to say so....

You both sound rather detached from your families. That might be why you can't understand other people being devastated.

BringOnTheScience skyping at 7 or 8 in the morning sounds pretty grim...at the weekend I would hope still to be in bed and during the week it would be a made rush to get to school/work...I suppose 9 in the morning would work at the weekend.

My son is on another continent. I am so proud of him - he has a good job and is doing what he wants to do. He's happy. In private - it has taken a heck of a lot of getting used to. I hate that he's so far away. The first time I took him to the airport I completely lost it. But it's his life, not mine. We are close - thank goodness for social media and Skype - I cannot imagine what it would be like without those. And I get to visit him! I have no expectation that him or his sibling will care for me when I am aged. I am putting plans in place so that that is sorted.

@chocatoo i think the day starts a lot earlier in aus so from what ive heard i could skype my mum at 8am and that would be me just walking to the office and grabbing a coffee, and still getting tonmy desk for 8.30am for example

My boy is only a baby, but I know I'd be devastated if he moved so far away! I'd go so far to say if he remained my only DC I would move with him.

@primal for reasons articulated above i do think DH / PIL's relationship is unusual but I'm super close to my parents, we speak constatly, and i plan to keep it that way.

“This thread makes me wonder what a mum would say if her DD's successful husband uprooted the family. I feel for many it would be different, which makes me sad!”

No. If my own child (male or female) were offered a fabulous opportunity abroad then my sadness at the separation would be tempered with great pride, and a certainty that they were making a really positive move. If my child were emigrating to follow their spouse then I would worry about whether they also stood to benefit, or whether they were making a huge sacrifice to the detriment of their own career.

@leeroar that's sweet. I know neither of our parents will follow us as we both have siblings, but even i (childless) can imagine that if i had one DC I'd follow them

Wow, this thread is making me appreciate just how awesome my parents are. When I announced I had been offered a job for a 4 year term in Malaysia they without hesitation congratulated and supported me. They visited a couple of times and I came back a couple of times and in the end the time away was only 2.5 years but at no point did they indicate that they were devastated- which judging by the overwhelming opinion here they probably were!
I haven’t read the full thread but I assume that someone has mentioned that in Dutch culture people are generally much more direct in expressing things, some of my Dutch friends actually find what we consider ‘polite’ to be quite misleading and irritating! So whilst in the UK someone might express faux support whilst being quietly upset, in NL they would be far more likely to tell you honestly that they were upset.

I come at this from the other side as my parents moved abroad when I was at university. They were away 13 years. I hated it. I got very very good holidays out of it, and they did come back quite a lot, but my mum is like my best friend and it was hard.

@DexyMidnight

You’re going to Skype your Mum while walking to work, grabbing a coffee, and then be at your desk, all before 8:30? Really? What if she needs to discuss something serious with you? Just saying.

Fgs have a bit of empathy with your poor MIL. Do you not have the imagination to understand a little of how she might be feeling?

I am your MIL more or less and I am devastated. DS lived in Australia last year and is going back next year to be with the lovely gf he met there. I suspect they will settle and stay. Comparing the feeling to a type of grief is not far off. Perhaps like your MIL I don't visit DS loads in the UK because I am so conscious of not interfering with his life but I am always delighted when he visits home.

Trying to explain a bit why I feel like I do.

• Loss of closeness with ds. My relationship with ds changed and became much more emotionally distant when he was living there. Phone calls/ computers are not the same as a good old chat on the sofa with a glass of wine.

• I have a fantasy vision of future grandchildren living near enough to have a close relationship with. Like you, ds insists he wont have kids but if that changes I will not be able to know them,

• You haven't had dcs so you can't possibly understand that absolute visceral feeling that your dcs are THE most important thing in your life , even when they've grown up. Even when they're arguing with you. Even when they're not in contact.

Everything I do, even now my dcs are happy independent adults, has them at the back of my mind (where i live, what job I do, what I do with my spare time). They don't know this of course. I don't weird them out by being clingy or over involved in their lives but they give my life meaning. DS moving to Australia actually feels like my own life is hollow, without a focus. I feel lost and miserable

But yes, I will be smiling and waving at the airport and wishing him well when he flies because I understand he doesn't need me in the way I need him. And that's right and as it should be.

I'd be gutted and my DCs would know it no matter now much I would try to hide this although I would want to be happy for them.

DexyMidnight, your DH's parents have little contact as it as so I do think it's a bit odd. It could be the shock/reality that she knows you are actually now going.
If they don't have her DH and you around locally (not even in the same country) and there are weeks between Skype chats then moving to Australia would mean a difference of time zones and seasons, not much else.

Would they plan a visit?

Um if she did I'd go in a conference room and continue talking? Much as i do now (but at 9.30/10am as I'm lazy here)?!

I totally understand your MIL's reaction. DD is my world, and I would be utterly heartbroken if she decided to move as far away as Australia. I very much hope that I would suck it up and act happy for her, but I think it would be incredibly hard not to let it show.

A move to somewhere in Europe would be totally different in my view, and I'd be genuinely happy and excited for her. A short-haul flight away isn't remotely comparable, in terms of cost, logistics or the psychological impact.

The irony in all of this is that I put my own mum through very similar heartbreak when I was younger. Not Australia, but I spent nine years living on the other side of the world and contemplated staying there for a while, until I realised that I didn't want to be that far away from my family forever. I don't regret doing it at all, as I loved living overseas and I had the time of my life, but I do now feel really guilty about what my mum went through. She always tried to be supportive but I knew she was gutted. Just don't think I understood back then quitehow devastating it was for her.

A few years on, and I wouldn't consider moving outside Europe again now while my parents are still alive. They're older and more vulnerable now, and I've seen how incredibly difficult it is for people to be far away from their loved ones when something goes wrong. My DH (not from UK) wasn't able to see his mum before she died, despite his best efforts. I think he will always regret that.

My dd has been brought up with a very adventurous spirit and an international world view, with two parents who both left their home countries at different points in their lives. If she does decide that the world is hers to explore (and I fully expect that she might) then I will support her in that to the very best of my ability. If that includes a decision to relocate to the other side of the world, I will wish her well and wave her off, hopefully with a smile, but secretly I'll be dying inside.

Good luck with your move and enjoy it. It's a really exciting opportunity, and you should make the most of it, but have some compassion for your PIL, it will be very hard for them. It may be hard for your parents too, perhaps they're just better at hiding it!

I’ve been through this.

One set of parents took it very well. The other exactly as you describe.

Maybe she thought if you were to move anywhere it would be nearer her. You’d aud DH never planned to stay in London term but life took over. Maybe she has ‘put up with’ for want of a better phrase of him living there for so long thinking one day he would return/be closer. Only now, he is going further...

I know it makes it harder for you (Lord knows it made it harder for us) but this is her child. Most parents would be devastated and even though most would try hard to hide it, sometimes your feelings are just too hurt not to show.

Haffdonga i get that you don't want to be overbearing (cf: my parents, inviting themselves for 10 days at a time heh) but why not say "do you have any plans for your birthday / the bank Holiday (etc), perhaps we could visit?" if you're welcome, and I'm sure you would be, he'll say yes or tell you when works for them?

I'm not in favour of people wanting to spend time with their loved ones / secretly pining to do so but not being willing to do the travel themselves (im talking about short distances here, btw).

I would be bereft! Absolutely devastated! But then I am chronically ill and as a result of my dh being my ft carer we survive on benefits. I would physically be unable to fly to Australia and financially that would be impossible! So unless my dc had money to burn I may never see them in person again. I have a friend in this exact position, she and her husband moved here early in their marriage (from America), they have since had four dc and due to money issues on both sides, she hasn’t seen her parents in person for over fifteen years. Yes they have skype/ FaceTime but it’s not the same! Her parents have never held one of their grandchildren as babies and you cannot hug or kiss a phone!

My dc are my heart and I honestly can say that my heart would break if they do emigrate that far away. I would not be able to hide my distress either (I have a glass face)! I would not hold them back but I would cry endless tears!

As a Mother I have dreams for my children, love, happiness and I imagine that one day they will have children of their own and I pray that I am still here and have a close and loving relationship with my grandchildren. The idea that they would choose not to have grandchildren would be heartbreaking on its own!

I imagine that with your being young still, your MIL has held onto hope that you may change your mind on kids. That you would realise that you wanted your own family and in doing so, might move back home closer to them for help. The Netherlands is very family orientated and I imagine she hoped that you would see that it was a better place to raise a family.

It seems that your announcement and imminent emigration have forced her to realise that her hopes are not going to happen. She will be mourning the grandchildren she has dreamed of alongside the close relationship into her older years that she anticipated having with your dh. Is your DH an only child?

Don’t be surprised if they blame you for both their son emigrating and your joint decision not to have children.

Dexy it’s rather creepy for a sister to love her brother who she grew up all her life playing with and wanting him to be an uncle to her child ?

More so, I’m more devastated as I saw how much my mother cried in secret without making it obvious and being supportive of my brother, but how thoughtless

I think you just don’t like the truth because it comes in the way of your dreams.

But I’m yet to see how you couldn’t find a similar job somewhere in England/Europe. I doubt it’s an opportunity issue. I doubt it’s a joint decision that’s benefits both. Clearly, I echo what a pp said, this is all about you.

If it weren’t, you would’ve been able to at least see where your MIL is coming from instead of also making her sound creepy.

She is just a loving mother who isn’t ready to grieve the loss of her son, for the sake of more sunshine for his DW.

Absolutely devastated, in fact my DD would pay for me to move with them. If it's only two years then that's fine, but if it's permanent you've pretty much written them out of your lives. And what will you do when they are old and need looking after? It's a lot to consider and if you do it get your DH to FaceTime them every week

And for the record, I genuinely don’t love my mil. Me and her have the worst relationship. She lives a continent away. But not as far as Australia. She has a house in the county I live in now and comes twice a year.

And despite all this, I feel extremely sad for her and empathise for the fact that she struggles with how her son (DH) is away from her. And I go out of my way to save money for tickets to visit her. And I reassure her that we won’t be away for long.

Because it is not creeepy for a mother who spend all her youth checking on her kids and being surrounded by them 24/7, to be struggling with them being suddenly completely out of sight.

Dig deep and you might find she is only human.