WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

"I wonder if your MIL is realising how many missed opportunities there have been, with the distance between you being so little, and now she may not see her son in months or years"

Another nail on the head, articulating a thought i didn't realise i had. Maybe that's true, maybe she thinks she took him for granted being only 2 hrs / 100 quid away.

Gosh. This has all been eye opening.

My children are still young so it’s hard to say. BUT I suspect I might find it harder if they had or were planning children than if they weren’t. Based on having a distant relationship (albeit still in UK) with one of my own sets of grandparents, it wasn’t what I wanted for my own kids and I’d be disappointed if it ended up like that for my grandchildren

they didn't buy him a gift - at all - saying "we had to buy our easyjet flights

That’s so Dutch!

River I think it’s worth remembering it’s totally possible to have a very close Relationhsip with your parent/child when so far away.
I’ve done. I’ve lived away from my parents for about 20 years, seing them once a year. Because they were overseas (about as far as Australia), we met up where they lived, where I lived or somewhere in the middle!
We talked every week over the phone (and 30 years ago, you couldn’t spend hours talking due to the sheer cost of international calls).

I’ve always been very close to my parents. That has never changed.

On the other side, I know plenty of people who never see their family despite living in the same, country, ‘only’ 5 hours away. (Or even less for that matter. H sees his siblings about 3 or 4 times a year despite living an hour away...)

I think the feeling of ‘that’s awful. So many opportunities missed. Will never see them as often’ etc.. often comes from not knowing people who have done exactly that.

What it does take is a bit more effort though. As in making the relationship a priority (which the ILs don’t seem to have done until now :()

My mum emigrated 5 years after my brother did. I've never said anything about her going other than good luck but there is a part of me that gets upset that she isn't nearby. I do sometimes resent that she's missed a lot of my child's life and some major life changes I've been through

My parents have a wonderful relationship with their grown children, and lots of fun. I hope to have the same. I don't want to do all the hard work and worry of raising them and then miss out on enjoying the relationship we've forged!

My DD has currently travelling around Aus and NZ. She gone for a year and I was very happy for her to go and have an adventure.

It’s been 7 months and I miss her so much it actually hurts! If she turned around and said she was going to emigrate there Id be heartbroken.

For context Dd has been away at uni and working after that, so hasn’t lived at home for 5 years. It’s definitely the distance and time difference which makes it very hard.

Brexit Did you not read the bit about my own ILs? I have seen this. I would be gutted, precisely because I have seen what it’s like.

My eldest DD moved to NZ eighteen years ago, I was happy for her but didn't think it would be forever as she was only 22 but she married a kiwi, had two dc and I love going to visit.
I'm really proud of her, a little jealous of his dm because she's a three hour flight away but we Skype, spend hours on the phone each week and make the most of every moment we are together.

Things have happened with one of my siblings-in-law that I wonder would have happened if she’d had her family not halfway around the world. Pretty awful things. I can’t imagine how it must have felt for MIL, knowing that was going on and not being able to go and see her DD the next day.

Abra1de

Yes . To be honest this is a worry for me as
My mother is facing the same thing

Another one who would be devastated here. I would do my best not to show it but deep down I would be gutted.

I think living in two countries within Europe is very very different to moving to the other side of the world.

I say this with some experience as one of my siblings moved down under for 8 years but eventually came home then promptly got divorced as their DP wanted to stay there. We did phone every week but in that time I only made it over there once as I was a student and couldn’t afford it. Our DPs only went once I think and the sibling came home twice. The relationship was definitely not the same. The issue isn’t time or money, it’s the combination of both for that distance.

I’d be devastated, and I moved from the UK to America when I was 25. I still remember my mums face when we pulled away from the house, she looked broken, and we weren’t close. I hope I’d be able to put on a stiff upper lift and encourage them to live their lives they way they think best, but I’d be crying myself to sleep for a while.

I would find it very difficult too.

OP, I believe that you mentioned upthread that your own parents visited you four times in one year and that you found it too much. However, you say that your in-laws do not visit often enough and, worse still, on one visit, didn't bring a present for your husband. Perhaps your in-laws do not feel as welcome as you think.

This is a really helpful thread
OP you gave been good at reading the different feedback too

And yes as Thingbob said / there is Hope

It would break my heart but I'd try to hide it and fail.
I remember my grandmother's sadness when her daughter went off to Australia in the 1960s. She never saw her again.

@llongy the point about my own parents was tongue in cheek sorry if that wasn't clear. Afraid i stand by my view that twice in 5 years NL to UK is pretty poor effort and does indicate that they aren't much fussed - or rather haven't been - much fussed about fostering a relationship with him let alone me. Anyway as i say i bite my tongue and try and prod them together anyway.

I’d miss them loads obviously, but I’d be so excited for them. I wasn’t allowed to go to uni because my mum wanted me nearby!
I had wanted to move away years ago and was constantly made to feel so guilty because I was ruining her happiness and her life etc ...I never did it and I was so miserable knowing there was a better life out there for us but I couldn’t dare do it.
Anyway I found some guts somehow and moved 2 years ago, she got over it and my children, husband and I are happier than ever!
Do what makes you happy x

I had this the other way around. One of my parents (divorced & remarried) emigrated while I was at university. They then moved again, even further, as I graduated. Half-siblings, my only siblings, gone too. It was tough as communication back in the late 80s was letters or expensive phone calls.

We're more in touch now than ever before thanks to FB, Messenger, etc. We chat all the time. They have met their GrandDCs only a couple of times, but see photos, videos, news all the time.

I managed to grow up OK with a parent on the other side of the world.

Plz Don’t go Op. you reminded me of my brother who travelled somewhere v far away , to pursue his wife’s ambitions.

I’m very hurt still.. it’s been two years and he said he can’t see us before two years later and even that might not be possible.

He missed out on my sons birth. On every fricking family.

His wife was very cold about it (she wants to be away from her family). I deep down can’t love her. I feel she took my close brother away from us

Oh for goodness sake, his parents are 60 not 90! Of course they can fly out to see you. My husband is 60 and flies long haul all the time on business. I mean often 6 flights a month and then he’s working as soon as he gets there.

I’m sure they can do it once every two years, when they will be coming for weeks at a time and relaxing .

If You were my child and I only normally saw you once every 9 months you then I’d be excited to come and visit you, because I’ve never been to Australia.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face

Are you sure she is devastated and not just being Dutch ?

Devastated. Already trying to brain wash my dds not to do this. My cousin has emigrated to nz permanently. My aunt and uncle put on a brave face and are lovely supportive parents but it’s tough. They had a big party recently for their golden wedding and the only next generation there were my sisters and I their nieces and our kids. Their own dd and grandsons not there.

Actually mil is German and is totally deadpan and unenthusiastic it does my head in but possibly cultural

My DS has only moved downstairs to our basement flat and I feel bereft!

I would be thrilled for him if he moved to Australia, but myself I would be devastated. The furthest I have travelled is California twice and the 8-hour flight, together with the jet lag and the expense , is hard. I think it is totally unrealistic to think that you will just pop over from Australia to Europe for only a fortnite and then work for half of the time! It would be much worse for them to make the journey.. You may have made the decision to not have children but he is THEIR child and they may feel a physical, visceral pain at having him so far away.

Please note: I do not have a rosy view of all parent-child relationships as I am NC with my own mother who lives in a different part of Europe, but that’s another story.

@ilove that's really sad, in a myriad of different wats, but this is a decision we've made together and we don't need cheerleaders (we're doing this for us so can't expect a marching band) but i would like an olive branch.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but blaming the wife is counterintuitive - she'll know, he will know, and you'll drive him further away.

This thread makes me wonder what a mum would say if her DD's successful husband uprooted the family. I feel for many it would be different, which makes me sad!