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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

550 replies

DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 18:58

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

OP posts:
Juicer54321 · 14/11/2018 21:29

Does she hate flying? I’d be gutted and I’m also petrified of flying so I’d be unable to visit. I could just about manage Europe but not Australia.

Figmentofmyimagination · 14/11/2018 21:30

As you get older, seriously long-haul flights become much more of a challenge - it only takes a cold etc and the whole thing is scuppered - and so expensive - and in practice, you and your DH are unlikely to want to give up your annual leave every year to see parents - and they will also have personal, generational experience of people emigrating to Australia and maybe seeing relatives just once or twice before they die.

Read Margaret forster’s brilliant book - ‘the seduction of mrs Pendlebury’ - that captures it quite well I think.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 21:31

@christmass your advice is v good. i do feel like i facilitate their relationship already. E.g. For DH's 30th i made him save a day of annual leave, pointing out his parents would want to see him. "will they?" he asked. "yes you fool!" so he calls PIL and says we shoukd do something for my 30th and they said "so are you coming here then". He said maybe they'd like to come here, and see all the work we've done on our house. So they did, but they didn't buy him a gift - at all - saying "we had to buy our easyjet flights". That actually made me a bit Shock, "oh I've had to spend money to see you it's all very inconvenient". But i bit my tongue.

I did say they don't have a lot of disposable income and that's true but they have just bought a brand new car and bathroom - just different priorities i think.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/11/2018 21:31

"am genuinely amazed to hear so many mums say how heartbroken they'd be - not just 'aww that's a shame'. Genuinely genuinely amazed."

You genuinely think that parents should just say "aw, that's a shame" and move on if their child moves halfway round the world? Blimey.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 21:35

@Christmas now a cross post from me! Is that not what most families do? "hey do you fancy going away for a few night with me and your mum" etc? Not every holiday or even every year but don't brothers / sisters / parents / grandchildren / children or any combination thereof sometimes holiday together?

OP posts:
Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 21:36

@Bertrand... Yes, I'm just comparing this to ny parents it's all I've got.

OP posts:
christmaaaas · 14/11/2018 21:36

Dexy I've given up assuming my DP will know to think about his parents in advance. It's MILs bday this week. In years gone by I'd wait for him to do it or make him do it. I've given up. This year, I bought her a present I knew she'd love, bought the cards and personally invited her out for a meal. Then I told her son 🙄

Just get him to give her a quick call on the way home from work most days and you ring or text a couple of times a week

christmaaaas · 14/11/2018 21:38

Haha, sorry, another cross post.

No, our families don't. But then we have DCs so it's harder.

My brothers ex wife's family do a lot of going away together. My mum often felt obliged to go but she wasn't comfortable. It just wasn't her thing. Even though they were all nice people.

Mummylin · 14/11/2018 21:40

I would break my heart and probably be constantly in tears for a while. I would send them off with a hug and a kiss , but inside I would be broken. I too hate flying, but I would have to do it if it meant I could see my ds or dd.

Barbie222 · 14/11/2018 21:41

I have some Dutch family and there's sometimes a bit of a culture gap around how blunt and forthright they can be with their opinions, so maybe she just isn't into telling you what you want to hear, as we Brits sometimes do.

ravenmum · 14/11/2018 21:41

I'd also suspect that they were secretly hoping he'd just come back home again soon, and this makes that suddenly look unlikely.
I "just" live in Germany, but my mother said a few years ago that she isn't going to come over any more, and I'm not that surprised. She doesn't like travelling that much, worries about her health and is afraid she'll fall ill abroad, gets totally stressed out by any kind of lack of control, having to organise stuff or change of routine. It's all so stressful that she can't even enjoy seeing me, so is a total waste of her time.

Will this actually be good for either of your careers? Maybe your MIL thinks her son should be gradually, steadily working his way up the career ladder the old-fashioned way, rather than flitting around jumping from place to place in a way that used to look bad on a person's CV.

Why do you think getting a job in another country is something to be proud of, any more than getting a job in your own country? Her son won't even be changing jobs, right?

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 21:41

@Christmas ok - and the advice is good anyway. I will make sure DH stays in close contact. Me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 21:45

@ravenmum no one has a crystal ball of course but yes, it should be really good for both of us. Boring reasons which would derail thread.

I don't think getting a job abroad is impressive (although i think it shows gumption) but i am really proud of my promotion.

OP posts:
christmaaaas · 14/11/2018 21:45

Sexy congrats on the job by the way. She's just gutted, he probably feels a million miles from her already and it's not what she imagined when she was raising him.

She will come round when he makes the effort to keep in contact.

christmaaaas · 14/11/2018 21:45

Omg. I just called you sexy Blush

ReflectionsofParadise · 14/11/2018 21:46

I winder if @ravenmum has got it right? It's good for you OP but would Australia really be all that good for DH's career?

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 14/11/2018 21:47

Dexy You should definitely be proud of yourself. Realising a dream to live abroad and a promotion to boot. Well done you Flowers

Babyroobs · 14/11/2018 21:49

We moved to new Zealand when I first got together with dh and our eldest two children were born there. I think our parents were secretly devastated that they missed the first few years with their grandchildren although they never let on. We eventually came back whilst they were still young as we felt guilty and wanted them to grow up near family. I'm glad we did as 3 of the four grandparents are now sadly gone ( my mum suddenly and prematurely) and I'm glad they spent those years with their grandkids.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 21:50

"it's not what she imagined when she was raising him".

God... That makes the most sense to me of all the insightful things ppl have said on this thread. I think i get it. Not totally but i get it...

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 14/11/2018 21:51

Devastated.

In some ways, I quite fancy living abroad for a while but as I'm an only child and my dad died 10 yrs ago, there's just no way I could do that to my mum.

I think the points re. time zones upthread are important too - you can't just pick up the phone whenever you want when you live on the other side of the world.

RiverTam · 14/11/2018 21:53

I would be utterly utterly gutted and heartbroken. I’ve have siblings-in-law down under and they barely return (one hasn’t been back in over 15 years) and PILs go over every couple of years or so, and due to age who knows how much longer they’ll be able to do so.

I wonder if your MIL is realising how many missed opportunities there have been, with the distance between you being so little, and now she may not see her son in months or years.

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 21:54

If it was my child, I’d be delighted for them.
Delighted that they are getting to experience new things, that they are getting where they want to be.
I do be looking forward to the opportunity to go and see them.
And I wouod re ind them that a weekly tel call is non négociable!
So much closer to your parents reaction OP

But then I also have lived the ‘living away in the other side of the world’ with my parents. And as a child with my grand parents so this is the norm for me.

Fwiw I think you need to do whatever is right for you two. And your ILs reaction is their to deal with.
I appreciate it’s harsh but what else can you do? You are not going to stop all dreams of going to Australia are you? If they want to come and see you or not, that their choice.
Up to you to chose to come back and how often depending on what’s working for YOU TWO. Not a sense of guilt because your IL are upset you get to live your dream.

christmaaaas · 14/11/2018 21:55

Hope I've helped! Apart from the sexy bit!

She'll get over it. Just probably feels scared that she's losing him completely. You seem to care so that won't happen and she will adjust.

Wasn't slating your family for going away together, I know it's the norm for some and must be lovely. But only if you like it!

EthelHornsby · 14/11/2018 21:55

I would be proud and pleased for them, and use it as an excuse to go and visit! I already have one wandering child who has spent the last 2 years in West Africa - haven't visited there though. Skype helps a lot

SlinkyAndSilky · 14/11/2018 21:59

I see your point OP.
Family 1. Lives an hour away, visits once a month, DGC = devastating.

Family 2. Already live abroad. Visits twice a year. = not much will change.

What is upsetting them is the THOUGHT that they are no longer an hour away if they wanted to visit or if there was an emergency.