WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

@Loveslabour i do think they're genuinely happy. They are very comfortable and adventurous (on hols in South Africa as we speak). They have spent a month out there visiting my brother when he lived there and came back raving about Aus. When my brother decided to move back they were telling me they thought he was mad as his life out there was so good! But of course they're chuffed to have him close again

@sufferer are you my MIL?! "A child choosing to move to the other side of the world is a slap in the face, but that child was probably never particularly close to his parents and I’d just have to accept that."

She thinks my parents and I couldn't possibly be close because I moved overseas aged 18. Her judgement was the beginning of the end of our relationship. We are an incredibly close family - we just think loving someone is about encouraging them to be their best selves whatever that might mean for the rest of us.

@Italiangreyhound could you be any more sanctimonious? Not being a parent has nothing to do with it. I'm not selfish. That's what it boils down to. Would I be sad? Of course. As I'm sure my parents were when I left them - twice. Would I take it personally or as a slap in the face or resent my child or not be proud or think they loved me any less? Absolutely not. It's about love and love meaning you just want people to be happy. My mum continues to make some poor choices in life (in my opinion) that make me sad but I love her and support her in her decisions.

I don't think I can keep reading some of the stuff on this thread. It's just unreal.

Actually I take that back. I have one more thing to say and that's this idea that once you leave you never go back. It's a load of drivel. Lots of people I work with go home at least once a year. Often more.

Your parents may be happy for you. That makes them good parents. They’re not happy for themselves. No one wants their kids on the other side of the world. And it’s a cultural difference that Dutch people will just say that, rather than pretending they’re fine.

I think the flight time and hot weather can very genuinely be a big issue for people who are not in perfect health.

I would definitely not pass up this opportunity on account of your in laws OP but I can absolutely understand that they feel gutted about it. Personally I think it's fine for them to express this opinion to DH.

@snog but they are in good health! And in any event they don't need to come and visit us and we won't be cross if they don't - we will be back in Europe and can see them then. Inviting them it more about making them feel involved and physically demonstrating that we are all still family and can and will spend time together.

I do think that if you're devastated that your kid moves overseas but aren't willing to spend an uncomfortable day on a plane, and some sweaty days in a nice country, to be able to spend quality time with them and share in / observe their new life, that you probably aren't as devastated as you proclaim to be, but that's just my opinion and I'm keeping it to myself!

For all you know, she could be embarrassed that her DS looks like he’s moving to the other side of the planet to get away from her

Nobody would actually think a person would go to all the expense and effort to move to the other side of the world purely to get away from thier mother!
Clutching at straws?

I do think that if you're devastated that your kid moves overseas but aren't willing to spend an uncomfortable day on a plane, and some sweaty days in a nice country, to be able to spend quality time with them and share in / observe their new life, that you probably aren't as devastated as you proclaim to be, but that's just my opinion and I'm keeping it to myself!

But it wasn't the parents' choice! And I must admit, I would be devastated as all my DC live close enough to see regularly and I have a very close relationship with DGC. But there are certain countries I really don't want to visit and it would be a struggle for me if they moved to one of them (luckily I know they won't)

I do think that if you're devastated that your kid moves overseas but aren't willing to spend an uncomfortable day on a plane, and some sweaty days in a nice country, to be able to spend quality time with them and share in / observe their new life, that you probably aren't as devastated as you proclaim to be

I agree. Assuming that, like you PIL they are young, in good health and have a free ticket . Hell, I’ll come and and visit you. I’d be delighted to have a free ticket to Oz and free accommodation

I had the reverse: I was living in Europe, and my parents moved to Australia for 4 years.
I was 18 and a student in Paris, and they moved to Sydney, with my little sister in tow.

It was a fantastic experience!

@Nanny0gg i'm afraid I still don't agree. If my parents moved somewhere I have no interest in...let's say Florida, and invited me to come and spend time with them I would! Because I love them and even though a holiday on a golf-resort with little 'cultural' appeal wouldn't be my first choice for my precious annual leave imo it's normal to make sacrifices for the people you love. I wouldn't spend all my holidays on the golf resort, we must all lead our own lives and everyone has other family and friends they want to spend time with, but I would certainly make the effort once in a while. I certainly wouldn't take the attitude "well you moved so you come to me". Just my view.

Dexy it's a sense of loss, so it will invoke grief which is a complex thing. I think it's one of those things that may look simple on the surface but there is a lot more going on than is obvious.

And I don't think that the fixes you are thoughtfully and generously offering as mitigation are addressing the emotions of PIL.

Hmmmm. Obviously I agree they’re your lives and of course you must live them. She doesn’t own your husband.

But of course she’s going to be devastated. Genuinely not sure what you want - should she pretend not to be (like your parents probably are)?

I have a sibling on the other side of the world. My parents are outwardly happy for them. But they’re inwardly bereft, and why wouldn’t they be? We alternative visits so we see them once a year but that’s nothing, especially in the lives of my young nephews.

I love travel but wouldn’t move abroad because I’d miss my family too much, so I can’t help but think that people who do move abroad wouldn’t miss their families as much as I would. It is possibly duff

I don't think it's your responsibility to make PIL happy about the move. I think you are doing a lot to help them through this, I'm just not surprised that they are struggling.

*DIFFERENT to your situation OP because we see each other all the time unlike your in laws.

I know that when this came up when my brother was 25 and considering moving to New Zealand, my Mum was very upset about it so I think it's quite a normal reaction.

Flights to Australia are expensive and if anything happens (e.g. sudden hospitalization of you, DH or his parents) then it takes a while to get there.

On the other hand you have to live your life and it sounds like too good an opportunity to miss. Your MIL might adjust to it after a while and your plan to return to the UK every 9 months sounds like a good one.

I have sn and my mother and I thought loads when I first moved. I didn't speak to her for one year. Lots of back story and i was very young emotionally then. I realize now just how difficult it must've been for her though. Also relatives have always put pressure on her and she has had to stand up to them. I might have a disability, but I am an adult and she realizes this thankfully. Other relatives do not and think I should be at home, not doing anything. I would go crazy if I was stuck at home and I would drive my mother crazy as well.

@PBobs

I am sorry if you found my post sanctimonious. "Not being a parent has nothing to do with it. I'm not selfish." I am sure you are not selfish but the OP has asked people what they would do if their child moved to Australia. And with respect you do not know what you would do. I do not do either but I have a child old enough to talk about maybe one day living abroad and my feelings are very mixed.

You talked about your feelings, which is fine, of course, we all do. But I know my feelings were different before I had children. Yours may be totally different and that is fine. And as far as being sanctimonious, I am not even sure I know what you mean in this context but it was definitely not my intention to upset you.

DexyMidnight "The issue is that she and FIL are pooh pooing the idea (flight too long, too hot etc). We can only facilitate and encourage, we can't make them come."

I think you are doing all you can, you do not need to feel guilty. Please remember any views here are not saying you are necessarily wrong to go, just saying how we might feel. You have to make your own life choices.

OP I wish that we could have a time machine and read your thoughts about all of this when you are older.

At the moment you are, like I was, full of the excitement of the move. When you get older, things like hopping on a plane and going to far flung places become harder work.

I still enjoy travelling but the thought of such a long trip would fill me with dread.

Not least I would be listening to every cough and splutter and sit there all scrunched up for 24 hours sure in the knowledge that I will have whatever germs are being shared with everyone on the plane to enjoy whilst I am on holiday...I would still do it but it just gets harder as you get older - not just tiring but I have found that I worry more about everything: worry about leaving the house unoccupied, worry about leaving work unattended for too long, worry about getting to the airport, worry about where I'm going. I used to travel all over the world for my job: ! used to be so gung ho!! I just think one gets a little less gung ho over time. You have a window whilst your loved ones are going to be fine to travel but don't underestimate how hard it will be for them.

I’d feel sad but wish them well and hope I was in a financial and practical position to be able to visit frequently. Not sure you can expect her to be happy about it!

I don't want to overemphasise the travel point. Either set of parents could become unable or simply unwilling to travel. That's not really the key point because we we will still be able to travel to them and it would never get to such a point in time where NO ONE could travel to anyone because we would already be back in europe!

We will appreciate the time and effort when people visit us and i very much hope we won't hold it against them when they dont.

Dexy If you do stay long term in Australia, it is extremely unlikely that you will continue to visit every year.
I recognise your attitude, I used to feel like you. The in laws will be thinking of the future.

Re. travelling to Australia - it is a bloody long flight. My father, for one, cannot make it because he has had blood clots and is in his 80s - his doc has told him he shouldn't fly for more than 3h at a time, which won't actually get him to Australia. The rest of my family can't afford it.
In nearly a decade, we've had 2 friends visit.

If you have family and friends with money, then great - they may come and visit. But possibly not if they don't like flying.

Your parents are devastated too they are just too polite to show it and are sparing your feelings.