WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

"i know you can live in the next town and only see your dc 4 times a year, but the option is always there to see each other more" - a few posters have said similar and although I've said it before i just don't get this attitude. I can only think, as a PP said, that it's comforting / reassuring to have them near.

When we were discussing the move we both agreed that it was only my parents who would suffer in terms of seeing us or hearing from us less. At this point his parents had been once in 4.5 years (most recent trip not then planned) and we spoke about the fact. They already schedule their skype calls with great fanfare (like i said it can be weeks without speaking) so we didn't see what would change!

However i think it might be right that MIL maybe has some regrets over not having utilised the spare room while she could.

A child choosing to move to the other side of the world is a slap in the face, but that child was probably never particularly close to his parents and I’d just have to accept that.

What an incredibly rude thing to say about people. My relative has a very close relationship with thier mum.

They have been back for visits and had thier parents to them many times, talk every week too. How dare you make comments about other peoples relationships you know nothing about.

I would be ashamed if my kids thought they had to live thier lives around me forever. I want them to have the opportunities i never had.

We dont own our kids.
I didnt have kids to force them to stay near me forevver.

I have had great joy having kids but i know when the time comes i have to let them live thier own lives not mine. How selfish would that be?
They dont owe me anything. I chose to have them but not as an insurance policy for when i am old.

There is a big wide world out there that doesnt stop at the end of your street. Why shouldnt your children explore it?

...when they do visit here they have to rush around acting like royalty expecting everyone to meet up with them and to make time and spend money meeting them.

I'm just picking up on this because I think that's an unfair way to look at it. Your friends have spent a heap of money already flying back to the UK to see people - far more than any amount you would spend in petrol to go to them.

When I take the boys back to the UK (every year, as it happens, because we are lucky enough to be able to afford that and because it was part of the "deal" of me moving to Australia with Aussie DH) I try to visit people, but I also try to get people to visit me too because we've already flown for 22.5 hours and 10,500 miles just to get to the UK. Minimising the amount of time and money spent travelling IN the UK is just sensible! If it's too hard for people to visit us, then sometimes we are able to make the effort to see them, and other times we're just not - it's then up to them whether they consider seeing us to be "worth it" or not.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad: this is a side discussion but i completely agree with you. When we come back in July for this wedding my plan is to hire a holiday cottage for a week - at our cost - and have our parents fly (ryanair / easyjet) to visit us if they wish to. It's our annual leave and I'll be dammed if I'm spending the whoke two weeks in europe on mini breaks!

If I’d been an awful mother fair enough, you don’t owe me anything, but if I’d done all I could, sacrificed a lot, given up a career, loved every minute of being with them, I’d expect a bit in return yes.
Love maybe?

But your child didn't ask to be born, didn't ask you to give up your career. Why does that mean that they then owe you their future ? Owe you the choices they want to make for their own life? Why does that mean they don't love you? When I moved to Asia I didn't stop loving my mum and she understood that I was doing something to improve my own life. We saw each other 3 times per year and I still loved her dearly.

I would feel upset but I would acknowledge to him/her what marvellous opportunities the move might provide. I would then start planning a trip to Oz (yes, I am lucky that I would be able to afford it). If asked by the child what I really felt I would say I would miss him/her but no more than that. I would certainly not make it about me. Would shed my tears in private.

If, later, the move proved to be unsuccessful I would sympathise hugely and support the family when they moved back (have them to stay while they sorted accommodation, jobs etc). There would definitely be no, 'I told you so.'

@Fadingmemory you sound very kind.

We absolutely may come back. We are fortunate that we both have good transferable jobs that mean we could change tack if we wamt or need to (e. G. Illness). Our home is here and my DH has already pointed out that i will hate living in an apartment again. He's right. That may well speed us home.

Admitting that you would be devastated if your child chose to move to the other side of the world is not the same as ‘holding them back’ or guilt tripping them.

I really disagree with all the comments that you'd only move away if you aren't close to your parents, your relationship will become intermittent, you won't have a good relationship with GC, etc.

I moved to the other side of the world, but my mum and I are extremely close- chat every day, and she has a closer relationship with my DS than the family here that live half an hour away. Because we've gone there, she's come here, and we Skype. Also during visits we spend lots of quality time together.

Obviously it's not ideal but it's untrue that it definitely means your relationship will not be close. We're actually much closer than we were when we lived in the same country (possibly partly because of me having DS).

The attitudes on this thread are flat-out weird. As an Australian, I can honestly say that the majority of parents I know encourage their children to live abroad for at least a small period of time. It's a rite of passage.

Broaden your horizons, Poms. The world doesn't begin and end with the UK.

Totally agree with kiwiblue

"I really disagree with all the comments that you'd only move away if you aren't close to your parents, your relationship will become intermittent, you won't have a good relationship with GC, etc."

I traveled the world for extensive periods but I love my family deeply and eventually settled back in the UK.

At times I was very homesick but I am glad I did what I did and glad I settled back here.

Being sad doesn't mean you would try and guilt trip your children.

Considering that there is a wide range of "attitudes" on this thread, you comment is bizarre and prejudiced, RedDwarves.

Hi, I kind of get his parents. I moved to the UK with my then-boyfriend in 1994. My mum and dad didn't like it, but never once said they were against it (I was only 21 at the time). We ended up getting married and had a child, and only in 2014 I returned to NL, husband and child in tow. I have to say, looking back now, having spent 20 years missing birthdays, anniversaries, etc (I would go home every 3 months or so, but still), has made me miss out on a lot of things. The relationship with my parents had changed, I was not used to family 'dropping in', or expecting to see me at weekends. I also felt like a stranger in my own homeland. So on the flipside, I kind of understand that your in-laws feel the same, they probably are getting on bit, and when thinking that a 45-min flight from Amsterdam can be done at the drop of a hat (and probably that's why they don't bother that much, as it's only a hop across the channel), a flight to Australia is a whole different thing. It's often that when things are on your doorstep (so to speak), you don't bother that much. When they are halfway across the world, it's a different ballgame.

At the same time, it's your life and you must follow your dreams, but being Dutch (and Dutch people wear their hearts on their sleeve) but that's just how they feel. If my child were to move halfway across the world, I would be devastated, but would encourage her at the same time.

@kiwiblue you just have to make the effort, for sure. Maybe DH and parents will even be a bit closer (i will send her lots of what's app pics of what we are up to and encourage him to call)

I am in the opposite position- partners parents considering (highly likely) moving in a few years time once they retire. My partner has already told them she won't consider flying over there (several reasons) but they are still keen to go. They will then be late 50's.

I can understand from her point of view that if it's likely to be permanent it really does feel like you can count on both hands the number of times you will see them which when you factor in age and children is a scary prospect.

Your op is misleading- child is under 18, he's a 30 year old man fgs!

This woman has absolutely no right to make you feel bad/pity for her. It's your lives, not hers.

My MIL has the same strop on when we bought a house 15 miles away from her, she actually had my dh in tears and we ended up pulling out and staying closer. The stupid bitch wouldn't away with pulling that shit on us now we are 15 years down the line.

Funnily enough, we were seriously considering a move to Oz 6/7 years ago and she found out and basically blanked us. Took a major huff and basil said she wasn't going to be around to help with childcare as she had lots of travel and holidays planned!!

Weird, selfish woman!

Do not change your plans to suit her. GO!!!

Who knows? Your DP’s mum could have all manner of reasons for being less than estatic about your plans. Including...she’s Dutch? They’re not exactly known for their effusiveness. Directness maybe.

For all you know, she could be embarrassed that her DS looks like he’s moving to the other side of the planet to get away from her? Or that it would be perceived that way by their friends? Like ‘England wasn’t far enough, now he’s going to Oz?’

Point being, you don’t have a close enough relationship with them to know them, or their thinking. That’s a bit sad.

Just posting to say that I was just as surprised as you OP to see just how many people would be devastated! Through reading the replies, I'm starting to understand why more, in terms of it not being what she imagined when she was raising him, and that she might be looking back on the time when he was 'only' a few hours away and thinking I could have visited more. I also do have to say that like you I do find the attitude of 'they're only a flight of a few hours away, so I could visit them more if I wanted to (but I'm not gonna bother)' and 'they're a flight of a lot of hours away, so I can't visit them more if I wanted to, and so now I'm gonna completely disregard the fact that I didn't bother when I 'could' because now you're telling me I can't!'
The only thing I can't get over is people saying they would be so devastated that they wouldn't be in a fit state to offer congratulations - your son has got some news that is exciting to him and you can't choke up one comment of being happy that he's happy? Also the comment that there are only negatives for the people 'left behind' and nothing positive - what about the positive of being genuinely pleased that your son is happy? Really baffled me!

"For all you know, she could be embarrassed that her DS looks like he’s moving to the other side of the planet to get away from her? Or that it would be perceived that way by their friends? Like ‘England wasn’t far enough, now he’s going to Oz?’"

surely this isn't a real thing?!

Someone upthread said the irrational part of them would wonder what they'd done so wrong to make their kid move so far away and i get that in so far as it's ackmowledged to be a paw-licking self-indulgent bout of sorrow. We all get those, and allow our imaginations to run away with us when we are feeling blue.

But can tgis really translate into a fear of 'the neighbours will think he hates us'?!

Wow. This thread is so insightful. Thank you mums and MILs for sharing your views. I am enjoying reading them even if some make for uncomfortable reading for me

Regarding closeness and how it is affected by distance, I found it interesting that my dm’s relationship with my db improved as a result of his stint in Oz.

Before he went, they had a very difficult relationship. Not close at all. Db had refused to allow our parents to visit him at university and kept things as distant as possible. After university he lived in a different city and did not encourage visits. He never made any effort to call and regarded visits to us at Christmas as immensely tedious. Dm found this hard, but respected his wishes. None of us felt welcome.

When he moved to Oz for three years, dm was genuinely thrilled for him as she saw it as an exciting adventure, but feared she would hear even less from him. And yet, being there seemed to make him grow up and realise how much she would be worrying and missing him. He wrote regular letters and sent photos (pre internet days), and rang her every week. Her world revolved around those calls! It made me realise how hard she’d found his behaviour over the past few years.

When he returned, their relationship was transformed. Maybe it was because he was older, or he’d suddenly discovered empathy, I don’t know. But in his case, distance definitely made the heart grow fonder.

Dm was always the sort to encourage independence and travel. She wouldn’t have dreamed of standing in the way of her offspring living abroad. But despite this I know she found those three years incredibly hard. He was so very far away.

When she died I found a cache of letters and photos from db in Oz. She’d kept and treasured every one.

@theonetowalkinthesun - it's a fascinating thread, isn't it? Don't mean that to sound self-congratulatory. Rather i mean that the strength of raw emotion is so clear (in many ppl's cases). I'm glad i asked as it's really helping me see MIL's pov.

I'm still mourning my cousin and his young family moving to Australia 5 years ago.
I can't afford to visit them there. Are dh parents able to visit in Australia?

Both me and DB moved abroad. I have no idea if my DP were devastated when I moved, and never at the time thought they might have been, as they certainly were nothing but supportive. I didn't move that far, though, and we see each other at least every year. However, when DB moved down under with his children, I know DM especially was/is extremely sad. She went from seeing her grandchildren every week to not knowing when she might see them next, so I can understand. (No one in the family has money to holiday in between, really.) However, I know she's not showing the devastation to DB, as he is fulfilling a big dream of his (and SIL's).

To be fair, I think my DM's tendencies to be quite overbearing and the family relationships being a bit "complicated" might have affected both our decisions to move further away. It's still pretty sad, though, and DP aren't getting any younger. We just recently had a conversation with DM about what will happen if her and DF has a sudden health crisis or dies... :(

Your parents aren’t delighted. They’re putting a brave face on to be nice. That’s a very British way to handle it. His parents are Dutch and culturally much more inclined to just say what they’re actually thinking.

@snog we are going to rent a big enough apartment that they can visit, and we will cover their flights if they want to come (not saying we can do this in perpetuity but atm we're only going for 2 years). The issue is that she and FIL are pooh pooing the idea (flight too long, too hot etc). We can only facilitate and encourage, we can't make them come.