WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

I would take it personally yes.
I’d see it as my son putting a job before me.

Your son doesn't owe you a lifetime commitment.

I would be sad if my kids wanted to move to Australia, who wouldn't be? But I would want what is best for them and not be selfish to only want what is best for me.

Moving to the other side of the world is sending out a very clear message. I’m really not bothered if I only see you once in every couple of years’

To you, possibly. The OP has said she'll be back every nine months.

...I'd wish my DS well and focus on all the positive opportunities for him and his family. But inside I'd be devastated. It would never be the same and with the best will in the world, the relationship would become disjointed and intermittent. A nasty part of me would hope their future children do the same to them :-(

Finances and circumstances change, you can't assume regular contact trips. In practical terms you won't be there for them as they age and they won't be there for you when you may need them either. Life throws unexpected hurdles and a family network can make a huge difference.

Your MiL is more honest than most would be.

Of course I’d want what’s best for them, but I’d be very upset if what was best for them was moving a million miles away from me.

I doubt any mother would be happy about it.

My ExH and I considered moving to Australia before we had kids. My Dad and his parents were still alive then. We just couldn’t do it. We couldn’t leave them. We have best friends who emigrated - we haven’t seen them for years. We can’t afford to visit them and when they do visit here they have to rush around acting like royalty expecting everyone to meet up with them and to make time and spend money meeting them.

Looking back I’m glad we never went. The U.K. isn’t that bad and we both got to spend lots of time with our parents and our children had a very close relationship with my in-laws and their grandad. All three have died now and we were there with them helping them like they helped us when we were children.

I didn't mention it being brave? Unless you mean the theme of the thread?

It's posts like tomhazards that see to be all over this thread. I just couldn't imagine holding someone back for my own gain, parent, child or even partner.

Of course, I can see why the parents may be upset and not jumping for joy but some comments here make it look like their flying to Mars never to be heard from again!
Then people trying to say it's too hard to Skype due to the time difference. That's clutching at straws really. My SIL lives in Oz and we manage fine to chat to her on skype. You just gotta organise a time beforehand.

PBobs "As for people saying they would find it hard to be proud of their kids when it involves moving away I am genuinely shocked. How does a child you have raised being brave enough to want to go out and explore the world; wanting learn about new places; and wanting to build a better life for themselves and their family not make you proud? Surely that's what we all want for our children"

I'm a little shocked you are shocked!

Of course it is brave to move to the other side of the world but it may also not be a wise decision or a sustainable one, dependingending where one moves to.

I chose to live in Asia for 2 years. And could have ended up there or Australia permanently. It's never even occurred to me to think if my parents were proud of me. It was just something I wanted to do and I did.

I'm now wondering how was my parents may have been! But if they were, they his it well. They were English!

Your next comment shows you are not yet a parent, so I can understand why you don't understand, yet.

Many parents do not want their child to be 1000s of miles away.

Of course we do not own our kids.

I'd be just as proud if my child got a good job locally and far less worried.

So really feeling pride in their choices is a very complicated thing. If their choices take them away from us, as parents, that may well override pride etc.

Parents can be just as selfish as the next person! I completely understand parents thinking of themselves. Some just may be better at hiding it!

I know Dutch people are very blunt. My Dutch friend is proud of being very blunt!

"I just couldn't imagine holding someone back for my own gain, parent, child or even partner"

I agree, I would not hold them back. But the OP has asked for honest opinion on how people feel.

Moving to the other side of the world is sending out a very clear message. I’m really not bothered if I only see you once in every couple of years’

Really??
I’ve moved to the others side if the world.
Neither myself or my parents have thought it meant I didn’t want to see them.
So much so that my parents moved close to me when they retired. And as they have moved again after 10 years, I’m planning to move next to them once both my dcs are at Uni.

I mean, the time when people were living next to each other and never moved further away than 10 miles is long gone.
If you are moving 500 miles away, you will struggle to see each other anyway.

As far as I am concerned, the message ‘Im not bothered’ is given when you don’t call and keep in touch. You can be involved in each other’s life when you are in the other side of the world. The issue isn’t distance. Itsbthe willingness to keep the relationship alive.

"I just couldn't imagine holding someone back for my own gain, parent, child or even partner" I agree, I would not hold them back. But the OP has asked for honest opinion on how people feel

And that's how they feel.

My FIL moved overseas in the 1970s and they could only send written letters in the post. International phone calls were cost-prohibitive. His job gave him one flight back home every 2 years. Yet he still maintained a good relationship with his parents and his siblings.

I cannot believe in 2018 with the existence of affordable and frequent air travel, and Skype/WhatsApp/FaceTime, that an adult child moving to another country is cause for devastation.

What's really going on for OP is that it's her job taking them to Australia and in the MIL's mind that means her son has chosen wife over mother.

Although PixiKitKat a partner is different to me.

We have chosen to make our lives together so his choices affect mine. EG I'd not move to Aus with partner and leave adult children in UK. So I could not always support a partner wanting to move.

I would take it personally yes.
I’d see it as my son putting a job before me.

Your son doesn’t owe you anything though.
Not to stay close by. Not to come and see you regularly. Not to care for you in old age etc...

EG I'd not move to Aus with partner and leave adult children in UK.

Hoops. I must be an awful parent as I’m planning to do exactly that. And so is a good friend of mine.

But tbf, I’m also NOT assuming they will stay in the uk, never mind close to me.

Haven't RTFT but Pil already know that a year or two can turn into many years - that's what happened when your Dh moved to the U.K.

The OP has said she'll be back every nine months.

If I had a cent for every import I have heard say something similar when they arrived I would be rich. Maybe that’s just my experience and other Australians can come in and give a different perspective/experiences?

I realise the OP has a wedding to attend so that’s set but apart from that why would she endure the long haul in another 9 mths when she ‘plans’ to return for good 6mths after that? Madness.

My experience is that most people who come for an extended time, or decide to stay for good which in my experience (when talking about mature professionals not backpackers) is more common, return once every 2 years on average. The exception seems to be a death in immediate family. Inbetween they tend to use their 4 week annual leave visiting the reef, Uluru and surrounds, Great Ocean Rd, different states etc when initially planning a shorter stay of a few years. Basically seeing the country. If making the decision to stay permanently after they have explored the main tourist traps here they tend to do what everyone else here does and do short trips over to Fiji, NZ skiing etc for typical breaks and fly back home once every 2 years.

If you go Australia it’s alnost certain you won’t be able to see them except couple of times before they die.

What rot. They are 60 not 99.
Seeing as they havent bothered to visit thier own son and his wife in 2 years its really not up.to op to facilitate 'the possibility that tthey might chose to visit the uk in the next 30 years' is it?

The inlaws could live for another 30 years is their son supposed to just sit still in uk all that time 'just in case'? How many times could they visit Oz in 30 years? Loads.

This is a great opportunity and yes a brave decision to go and start a new life. Its not easy to set up in a totally new country/culture and make a life for yourselves. But the quality of life there is worth it.

Why on earth would a parent who wants the best chance in life for thier kids try to guilt trip.them into giving up a dream job and new life?

I cant believe all rhe people who seem to have had kids just to look after them when they are older. Thats not why i had kids. I love them to death but i would never hold them back no matter how sad i was. They need to live thier own lives wherever it takes them. I would save up to visit when i could and its really not difficult to make time to see and talk to them via viber etc every week.

I would be very sad for selfish reasons but i would support my kids all the way. If its thier choice to go out and see the world good for them.

Moving to the other side of the world is sending out a very clear message. I’m really not bothered if I only see you once in every couple of years’

Jesus wept are parents really this selfish in RL?

"Maybe if your DH's brother visits that will make a trip to Australia seem more possible to your MIL. It would probably make the situation easier for her if she can be persuaded to visit. When we miss someone it helps if we can visualize them in their kitchen or wherever. Try and get your FIL fired up and onside. He's her support."

This is more great advice. Thx.

P. S. I don't think moving to Aus is" brave" i said i thought it showed gumption! I agree it's hardly clearing land mines in Afghan.

There are some posts on here that make me really, really want to take to heart the advice that parents do not own their children, that the job of parents is to raise adjusted, kind and independent adults who can then go and forge their own paths in the world, and that we need to beware of that childish, clingy, dependent bit in ourselves which relies upon our children for validation.

My grandfather worked in Canada for years, as did my father before he married my mother.
My parents left the UK to live in Bermuda - initially for three years, turned into 13. I was born there, as was my brother. My parents paid for my grandmother to come and stay for several months each time - also, she was living for free in the house in England they were able to buy.
I had a couple of years living and working in different parts of Europe - on the doorstep, granted.
My husband is Australian - moved here for work and excitement nearly 20 years ago, has dual nationality and a family with me. We visit family there, or meet in other parts of the world by co-ordinating holiday plans (so far, we've met up with our Australian family in Singapore, Barcelona, Amsterdam, where his cousin is currently living with her husband; another cousin lived in Hong Kong with his wife and family, and has now moved to the UK) and they visit us. We'll host our nieces when they have their gap year in Europe to help make their money go further, and my SIL and family will reciprocate with our kids.

Cheap air travel and the internet annihilate distance. It's fantastic having extended family around the world. All the parents/grandparents in this situation are so proud of their children for being resourceful and independent and wanting to better themselves through travel and work abroad, whether that's financially or in terms of life experience. That's the attitude I will bring to my children, who are on the verge of leaving home and building their own lives.

Well this is where I’m different from a lot on Mumsnet - I think my kids do owe me something actually.
If I’d been an awful mother fair enough, you don’t owe me anything, but if I’d done all I could, sacrificed a lot, given up a career, loved every minute of being with them, I’d expect a bit in return yes.
Love maybe?
Is it such a terrible thing that a child grows up and wants to be around his parents because he actually likes them?
Most people I know live just a few miles from their parents because they get on great.
So I stand by what I said.
A child choosing to move to the other side of the world is a slap in the face, but that child was probably never particularly close to his parents and I’d just have to accept that.

Italian greyhound yes a partner is different as you build a life together. I think compromise and a lot of talking would be needed. I'm fortunate that my partner moved away from his friends for a period whilst I studied. I told him he could come with me, stay and do long distance or break up. In the end he chose to come with me, the compromise in this was that we move back once I'd finished.

I've been held back by a partner before though, so I'm unwilling to do it again which I think does colour my view a bit with these things.

Interesting
My sibling is doing this (moving to other side of planet)
I have told my parent that I won’t move , I plan to stay and be near
Fortunately we like where we are . But yes say I got offered an amazing role in Japan - I would likely turn it down
A lot depends on closeness doesn’t it ?

nakedavenger74

Your parents sound fab! I want to be just like them when I’m in my 70s.

A child choosing to move to the other side of the world is a slap in the face, but that child was probably never particularly close to his parents and I’d just have to accept that.

Utter bullshit.

So if a career or educational opportunity of a lifetime comes up and I accept it, it means I wasn't close to my parents? Should I stay in my mother's lap until she dies?

God I hope I don't become so selfish as I get older and judge my children for pursuing their dreams - even if those take them across the world.