WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

I think she's grieving and perhaps is only now realising that you're really not intending to have children. Maybe if your DH's brother visits that will make a trip to Australia seem more possible to your MIL. It would probably make the situation easier for her if she can be persuaded to visit. When we miss someone it helps if we can visualize them in their kitchen or wherever. Try and get your FIL fired up and onside. He's her support.

I agree @newyorker74 there are some very strange ideas on here. I also agree with you when you talk about how parental/sibling reactions have influenced relationships with my DH. His relationships are far more strained because people weren't supportive of the move. We see my family a lot more because they're always supportive and interested in what we are doing. That's still the same now when my dad is unwell.

As for people saying they would find it hard to be proud of their kids when it involves moving away I am genuinely shocked. How does a child you have raised being brave enough to want to go out and explore the world; wanting learn about new places; and wanting to build a better life for themselves and their family not make you proud? Surely that's what we all want for our children.

My mum always told me - "I would die for you but I do not own you. I was just lucky enough to borrow you until you were old enough to make your own path". Words I plan to live by when I am a parent.

Typo sorry *wanting to learn about new places

I think that you just have to go for it,, and there are sometimes going to be problems with a parent or parents not liking the idea.

In the 1970 era, my then husband was asked to go to the USA job wise
Initially it was for two years, that eventually turned into three years
My daughter at that time was just one year old,and my son almost 4 years old.
Telling my parents, especially my Mum, was quite an issue. she hated the fact that she would not see her two grandchildren for all that time.
There was no internet stuff back then,, so long distant phone calls, and my letter writing it had to be.

I was worried at first. as in we had recently bought a nice house in the village, and would now have to rent it out. I was a SAHM. and worried about leaving the country for so long.

But long story short.off we went,to the North West coast of America. My daughter started walking three days after arriving there, my son started his school education thereafter. And my Mum and Dad came to visit after a few months, and thereafter that,they came three more times, as did two other family members, and some other friends later on.

Although I was a quiet country village person then, we had a great time living in the USA. and it then gave quite a few people back home, the chance to fly out and visit us,and stay at our rented house, which was quite large.
But now I am an oldie, I would be upset if my own daughter and her partner,and my two grandsons, said they wanted to and live abroad for a long time. As it is,my daughter and family only live about 120 miles from me here,and I don't get to see them all that much now, so I did understand my own late Mums upset and anxiety all those years ago

The fact that she's stressed the point about it being 'your job' and 'why couldn't you get a job closer to home' etc makes me think that in her head she blames you for taking her son away!

Your husband needs to manage the message so that it is clear that it was a joint decision and you are both excited about it

Could it just be the dutch persona of saying it as it is even if it is blunt/rude? From what other parents have said those that would be devastated would cover it up but in the Netherlands there’s no requirement of stiff upper lip/putting a good spin on things.

My ds isn’t even three and I’d be utterly devasted, if I could travel I’d book flights etc. If travelling was hard...who knows. I’d hope that I would encourage him to live his dreams.

I had the opposite, my mum moved to Australia my second year at university, she retired out there. Her brother had moved there about 15 years before, it changed our relationship and my Grandad was alone as my mum used to take quite a caring role with him as he lived about 25 mins drive from her in the U.K.

NOTHING positive happened as a result of her moving, she's dead now, died at 65, 16 years after retiring out there, and never met either grandchild (both born before she died), didn't come to my wedding either. Things would have and could have been very much more positive had she stayed home

I'm not surprised your IL aren't happy, we all have hopes and dreams for our family, usually it involves closeness, nobody deans 'oh I hope my child grows up and moves to the other side of the world to find happiness'

What I've learnt in this thread:

• don't try to better yourself Inna new country
• do stay close to home to look after parents if/when they become sick because you owe them
• moving to Oz is selfish
• it's okay to hold family back from what they'd like to do for your own benefit

This thread is such a joke, OP, move to Oz, do what is best for you and your partner. Don't put your careers on hold to satisfy family as you'll just end up resenting them anyway and always wondering 'what if'

I wouldn't let my family hold me back like a lot of posters seem to want to do to their family here.

I emigrated to Australia, leaving my mum behind (my father passed away years ago). I'm an only child with an only child so my mother was heartbroken. However she is not alone (she has been remarried for over 20 years). She is also very proud of me, and used to me not being around as I haven't lived within 300 miles of her since I was 21. Still, Australia is a big deal because it is so very far away. We chat all the time on Skype, the time difference from West Coast Oz is 8 hours so much more manageable than East coast. And when she visited she could see why we had moved! Still, it isn't easy, as someone up thread said all change has advantages and disadvantages, and with emigration it is the people who leave who get all of the advantages.

So, if my son decides to emigrate, as well he might having three passports, I would of course be very sad and miss him a lot. But I would also be bursting with pride at raising an adventurous and brave young man! And I would be planning lots of lovely holidays to see him. I don't expect him to be living at the end of my street, there is a big beautiful world out there and I want him to make the most of it!

I'm an only child. My parents were delighted for me when I moved to NZ at 40. Few caveats:

• I lived 400 miles away from them in the UK anyway and we'd only see each other in rare rushed weekends or 5 day visits
• When I moved 12000 miles away they were overjoyed at the opportunity to travel to places they would never have gone to if I wasn't there. Previously they'd never been further than Spain.

-They come for a month and have the time of their lives here. New adventures at 75 years old (ziplining, paddleboarding) and heaps of quality time with each other as well as spending most of Jan and Feb in lovely sunshine and warmth rather than the dark and cold -They are generally fit and well

• I don't have kids
• even if they were devastated they wouldn't say so.

I am 50.
If my adult dc announced they were off to Oz for 2 years I would be supportive but pretty devastated for a bit. The reality prob is that they would stay permanently. You may have no plans for dc but they might still have a little hope of grandkids and seeing you more often rather than less. I have a nephew settled in Japan and the reality is seeing him every 2/3 years.
As we both work the reality would be that to see enough of each other I would use most of my annual leave each year visiting one dc.
Have you made firm plans for them to come and visit you?

I had been to Oz twice travelling before DH and I went to for 6 months with his job. Travelling was fine but Being there for 6 months made me realise how far it really is and although DH didnt miss his parents (he was forces and we didnt live near them anyway) it made me never want to be so far away from my mum and DSis ever again

Pixi, no-one is saying the OP shouldn't go. Just not to expect unadulterated joy from people who receive no benefit from the move. Also, a job in Australia is still just a job, and it's hardly pioneer country, so the "they should be so proud of my bravery" narrative can come across as quite patronising.

Obviously they should go. But if I had raised a child who didn't realise what a gut wrenching experience it would be for the people back at "home", I would worry that I had failed in the nurturing sympathy/empathy bit. And yes, maybe dial down on the "bravery" bit. Working with Medecin sans Frontieres -brave. Going to a fab new job in Sydney? Not brave..

I wouldn't let my family hold me back like a lot of posters seem to want to do to their family here.

I don’t think it’s hot anything to do with holding anyone back but rather about being absolutely fucking deveststed and not being able to hide it with a jolly smile.

I went the opposite way, Australia to UK when I was younger. Thought it would be for 2 years, ended up being longer but I did come back.

My family was absolutely devastated as they fully anticipated I wouldn’t return. All their friends trotted our stories of people they knew who went over ‘for a few years’ ended up meeting someone or just getting too entrenched with life their and never returning. My mum and sister cried from when I told them to when I left. They were not trying in any way to ‘hold me back’ but it was how they felt, they couldn’t help it. They were not the reason I ended up returning but by god they were over the moon about it.

I’m a mum, I get it.

Don't think it's particularly brave to move to another westernized country where they speak English
Of course his mum is devastated. How ridiculous to think she wouldn't be - she is his mum, it's the other side of the world !
Mum's are allowed to have thoughts and feelings in regards to their grown up children.

MIL is upset. Why do you think it's BU that she expresses this. You can't dictate how people feel or express that feeling. Like you say, she's a great MIL. Seems you think she's great unless she expresses something that makes you uncomfortable. You are free to go to Australia. She is free to be palpably upset. YABU.

I’d be devastated and take it as a personal slap in the face.
It’s not like leaving a poor, no hope country for a better life is it? I’d understand that.

But Europe for Australia?

Thanks son.

Cadburyeggs

Surely the time for your sister to visit your dad is now... Rather than waiting for a funeral??

Nakedavenger74
Come back in 10 years time when your parents are in their 80s and need help to see their GP because they don’t have the strength or ability to communicate with them. Or when a homehelp is constantly late and you can’t help them at all as you can’t just pop over for a couple of days. I appreciate lots of us don’t live near parents but even if I’m 500 miles away I can still get to them easily.

My late DH left our respective DMs (late 80s) and never saw them alive again, two years later. In each case the brave face was put on, exactly the same I would ( I hope) do if DD decided to do the same. I believe it's what you owe your children

For those who've sneered at bravery, it is brave to try something new that might not work out, though I'm not claiming it for myself. DH and I knew that in our 50s, it was a one-way ticket, that we'd have no jobs or prospects of ones to come back to, so yes, it was taking a chance.

I’d be devastated and take it as a personal slap in the face.

Why would it be a person slap in the face? To take an opportunity for an adventure, broaden the mind and improve a career? That's not personal. What a shame that you would feel this

Maybe your move has made MIL reflect that her relationship with her son is not as close as she would like it to be.

Congratulations, anyway OP. This is one of those things in life where everyone has to get on with it.

I would find it very hard to be cheerful tbh, its one of my biggest fears, that DD will move abroad. I of course couldnt stop her but i couldnt see anything positive about it. I dont share any of the excitement if moving abroad.

tomhazard

I would take it personally yes.
I’d see it as my son putting a job before me.
I’m all for my dc travelling & seeing the world ( my dd spent 18 months travelling the world ) but to move to Australia permanently is very drastic, and the reality is you will not see much of your family.
I know you can live in the next town and only see your dc 4 times a year, but the option is always there to see each other more.

Moving to the other side of the world is sending out a very clear message.
‘I’m really not bothered if I only see you once in every couple of years’

That’s heartbreaking for most parents.