WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

@bluesmarties you would be very justified in feeling that way! We are all in good health but if one parent was in poor health like you then I'm not sure we would go. It's too hypothetical to fully appreciate how it may have impacted our thinking.

Interesting thread. I am a therapist and over the years have had a few clients talk about their feelings about being away from family, and not always as far as Oz.
There have been some interesting views expressed here. In therapy, there is often the idea, that all change can potentially involve the experience of loss AND of gains. For example, even in much wished for change like having a child, there are obvious gains, love, attachment etc but also notable losses, independence for a while, birth trauma for some, loss of sleep and the physical impact of this, to name a few.

So to follow this analogy, there are clearly many gains for you and your partner, a new adventure, country to discover, financial rewards possibly. But there will also be losses, the ability to see close friends and family possibly.

A previous poster upthread was astute when they noted there were not many gains initially obvious to your MIL. Obviously every individual reacts differently to situations and some parents may be quickly able to access feelings of pride or similar in their adult children’s achievements, others may have to work much harder to access these balancing/moderating thoughts in the presence of anticipatory grief.

Because it is likely that is what your MIL is going through, grief. I understand your confusion on this subject given the lack of contact between your partner and his parents, but grief is not just the loss of what you have (the present) but the loss of what you had hoped for in the future. These hopes for the future can lie buried and only come into painful awareness when a challenge to them occurs. For example a couple can be ambivalent about having children but when faced with the reality of infertility can be devastated.

I wonder as did previous pp, if MIL had hopes for a future that now seem less likely. She could even be confused by her own reaction.

This is a long winded way of saying, that big decisions in life are not without consequences. Some positive, some less than positive.

How we experience these changes can be wildly different between individuals and also notably for some between ages. It is striking how many on this thread have moved continents with not too much thought about parents/siblings left behind because that is an acceptable part of being young, indeed it has been validated on this thread «I want my children to live their own lives». And for some of these people who moved continents, the thought of their own DC doing the same is devastating.

It is why it is so hard for the OP to understand her MIL’s reaction, because she is young and excited understandably by this opportunity. Her MIL who is older views it less of an opportunity but a threat to the présent and the future.

OP, you sound like a caring DIL who has been a bit blindsided by your MIL’s reaction. You seem to be really trying to understand her reaction. You are maybe a bit aggrieved that her honesty has tinged your excitement? It would be easier for you if she kept it to herself? There might be a cultural element here, I am not familiar with the Dutch bluntness others have spoken of.

You must of course live your life but what you are realising is that life is messy and never quite goes as you thought it would. Other people’s reactions can never be entirely relied upon.

I still remember when I left for university to another country, so excited at the start of adulthood, I looked back and saw my mother crying, it saddened me and also I am ashamed to say irritated me slightly as it impacted on my unfettered happiness at the start of this new stage of life. Of course now, I think, how could it have been any other way? My mother loved me and she was losing my physical presence. I never lived in my home country again. I guess that’s what she was crying about. She was thinking ahead, I was living in the present.

All the best for your grand adventure

@Bakedbeans not sure if it was your post! There were a few though that were enlightening though from that perspective.

Yes i don't really understand the MN mentality of disagreeing with someone and then bringing out the big gun arsenal of "you sound horrible OP". Clever. I always imagine slightly stout cross-eyed women in fleece jackets piously spouting this shite and it winds me up!! Love I'm not the one in love with my brother leave me alone you weirdo!

I know OP your parents are in good health. But the reality is they will have seen family and friends die or get ill and needing care, and knowing that will be happening to them. Most people as they get older are far more aware of the changes that will happen to them, than people younger are. MIL will know that you are very unlikely to move back. So it does mean they may also be afraid for their future.

You'll change dexy as you get older and worry about new things. Mostly related to health.

Remember this post in 10/15 years time when you start to change. I'm in my late 30s and god, it's an eye opener

I am in my mid 50's and have already seen people my age die, have strokes and cancer. Although this has not happened to me, it still makes you far more aware of these issues than I used to be.

I know just what you mean christmaas. It feels like the blink of an eye since I was 30 and my parents were in their mid 50s and just dandy. I’m now 45 and they’re in their 70s and while they’re still doing OK I am all of a sudden very aware of them getting older and their mortality.

@irishe thank you - sincerely - for your views. Makes so much sense and i wholeheartedly agree. Incidentally your post highlights two points that jumped put at me from advice upthread:

(1) i need to acknowledge how MIL feels. I've been so miffed and baffled at her reaction that I've just smiled cheerfully and brushed it away "don't worry we'll be back in july! We can have a holiday!" and maybe we (united front) should be saying "im sorry this sucks for you, we really want to give it a go and check it out but we are sorry it's gutting for you"

(2) need to accept there is a downside to all these pros, that hurting our loved ones is it and

(3) leading on from that accept that there are no pros for those we leave behind. Ashamed to say I'd forgotten that in my excitement even though I'm acutely aware of this and have trotted this line out to many friends myself in past.

I genuinely thought more posters would be of the mindset of "it's their life, best of luck to them" but this has shown me that kind of chilled attitude is probably rare. So i definitely need to be more compassionate and not moan about her being in tge doldrums.

Oh and your point about the loss of the future is v poignant. I think that may well be true for MIL (even though we're only bloody going for 2 years for now!)

Health is a good point too - unfortunately in my immediate circle of friends two girls had to bring their weddings fwd as a parent was on their deathbed. So I'm not immune to that but like a PP said upthread there's little point in catastrophising and while we are all cared for and well it seems a shame to let something like that hold us back. We can reasses as time goes on.

Oh no I certainly don’t think you should let it hold you back - just worth bearing in mind.

Sadly I’ve also known someone have to travel to the other side of the world to be by the bedside of a sick father, take as much time as they could from work/life, had to come home and got news on landing that he’d passed away :( shit happens unfortunately x

Gosh I’d be devastated. And that’s coming from someone who knows would never hold my ex back but I would definitely be devastated.
I honestly think I’d suffer in the same way your MIL is. I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, perhaps holding out the slightest chance you’ll change your mind. Of course you’re doing the right thing making your own minds up but it would absolutely break my heart if it were my dd. I’d be more than happy if she went to Europe, literally round the corner with cheap easy flights. Australia is not the same. And even in an emergency there is no ‘popping back’.

I worked with someone who’s dd moved to Sydney. The dd then got married stayed out there and had dc. This lady had two other dc but she left her job and shot over to Australia and stayed there on a visa for as long as she could. I felt awful for her having to go all that way regularly as she got older. The fact she even left her job told a tale of how sad it made her feel. I’d say cut MIL some slack. You don’t have to change your decision to move so maybe just change the subject if you feel she’s getting upset about it.

Speaking as the child who moved to Australia, there is a colossal difference between living 22 hours away (at best) and 1 hour away, or thereabouts. Colossal.

I can see your MIL's point, because my parents had to deal with me moving overseas too - well I say parents, my mother died before it happened, but she knew it was going to happen so was coming to terms with how it was going to work - it's hard on them. Especially if he's their only - at least I have other siblings to be there for my Dad, I don't know if I'd have been so ready to make the move if I'd been an only.

Your MIL is probably concerned that you'll end up staying over here, having a child over here and she'll only see the baby once a year or so; whereas if you were in the UK, it would be far easier for she and FIL to pop over more often. The difference between an adult child and a baby grandchild is striking in how much loving grandparents want to see them!

Try to cut her some slack - her fear is overtaking her ability to mask it, and it is understandable.

Dd not ex!

I moved halfway around the world with my DH. It's an indefinite but not permanent move. I'm sure my parents are sad but they don't guilt trip me for it. If they did I don't think our relationship would be so good.

We Skype regularly, go back every Christmas and normally go back at some other time in the year as well or they come here.

The world is a small place nowadays, it's something we all have to accept.

@KinCat the world is huge. OP has taken the points very well but as a parent it would feel like losing your child. It's so far away.

Thanks all for your insights, and gratuitous diagnoses of hypothermia.

I'm hitting the hay now. I will implement the advice upthread and definitely cut her some slack. In all honesty she's DH's mum and unless this is upsetting him (don't think it is, not yet anyway) i should let it go and let her grieve, etc.

I am you and your DH 6.5 years down the line. I moved from my European home country to the UK for uni 20 years ago. I had no idea if I was going to move back home at the time but I left behind my two parents and they were fabulously supportive. Although I know my dad grieved for "the loss" he never shared it with me. I only know because my mum would sometimes tell me. I met my DH. We had no plans for babies. All was good.

Then I decided I needed to leave the UK. It wasn't the right place for me anymore and I initiated the discussion to move overseas. My DH was and is all for it. He is English but was happy as Larry to leave the UK - doesn't even love visiting to be honest. His mum was not happy. When we said we were leaving she asked us to not go far. We've ended up almost as far away as Australia - not on purpose, you go where the work is. It's that sort of distance from Europe but probably less appealing to most people than Australia is . We've been here 6.5 years. We are leaving in 6 months to head to a different country - actually closer to home but that's more for a change of scene than anything. Plus my dad was very recently diagnosed as being unwell so I would like to be that bit closer - although still two flights and a total of about 9 hrs away. My parents insist that's as close as I need to be and that I have to carry on with my plans. They have always been like that though - supporting independence - as they are the same. I think it's easier for them to relate as my mum lives overseas from her home country and my dad left his home when he was 14 - and might as well have moved overseas the amount of time he spent visiting his parents.

DH's mum has never forgiven me for taking him away from her even though I am the one who makes him go home every year to see her and the rest of his family. Plus he moved away from his family long before I came along.

Managing her emotions has not always been easy but it is what it is. I'm pregnant now and I'm bracing myself for a grandchild guilt trip. My parents would love for me to move home and we will actually end up back in my home country one day but they are 100% supportive of our lifestyle choice and if they ever do say anything that makes me feel funny I can have an open and honest dialogue about it. That is harder with my DH and his mum. Those conversations never go well.

I think if I could give you any advice it would be to be kind and understanding and try to keep the dialogue going so feelings are not bottled up. When you're physically a long way apart that is a recipe for disaster. That said, you have to do what's right for you and your DH. Good luck! It's the best decision we ever made.

Oh! And I'm an only child and my DH is one of three. So I don't think that makes much difference. Some parents just struggle more with that feeling of loss than others. I think my dad was sadder when I moved to the UK aged 18 than here aged 32.

I Skype every couple of weeks and email several times a week. We go home at least once a year sometimes twice. They've been here a couple of times. My DH's mum doesn't Skype him and rarely emails him. She's been out once and it was a disaster.

If you leave a sibling in the UK who ends up having to look after your parents then they are likely to resent it as your parents become more needy.

It's all fine to move away when you are young, but (as the years pass) the sibling can't move as the parents will have no one.

A once or twice a year visit does not make up for the sibling shouldering this responsibility, even if it doesn't actually materialise.

Personal experience.

We decided to move to Kuwait about 4 yrs ago - my mum was devastated. I think it was mainly because my kids were only 2&4. She knew ultimately it wasn't her choice but she openly stated she wouldn't miss us just the kids if had just been me and DH I think she would have handled it better. I still get the odd guilt trip about it but it's water off a ducks back now

We are the ones that moved. Our parents were upset but my MIL totally understands why we moved and I send her emails all the time of what we are doing. In fact she hears more from us now we are here than when we lived in the uk ! She thinks we are lucky and giving our boys a better life ( which I feel we are). She hasn’t been over to visit but we have been back once in 9 years.
My parents have been to visit. They love it here. Seeing it they understand why we are here.
I wouldn’t be planning on going back so regularly. Explore Australia while you are here.
We are on the west coast of Australia so only an 8 hour time difference. We Skype our parents at least once a week and send emails.

Once in 9 years. That's what she's scared of.

Muggins are you seriously comparing a country in the Middle East which gives tonnes of annual leave, pays you tickets to go visit home, and is just 5/6 hours away, to a country 14 hours away?

I'm sorry but I don't understand this idea that you can't expect your parents to be happy for you. Why not? I moved 6 hours away from my parents and they have been nothing but supportive of the choices my partner and I made around our move. Because of this we make the effort to go back and they've made the effort to come here. My BIL who did the same move was told by his parents it would be easier if he died. Guess who has a very strained relationship with his parents and hardly ever speaks to them or goes back? Not being supportive of your kids in their lives choices (even when it makes you sad) leads to your kids making those choices anyway but with the knowledge you didn't support them when they needed it.

My child is 3,so this is very hypothetical but - I think I’d be privately devastated and find it hard to be proud etc, though I would try my best to put a brave face on it (I hope).

It is the other side of the world. If my child grew up and moved to another European country, I would be privately sad but - ultimately it’s a short trip for visits/in a crisis. A flight to most European countries is shorter than it can take to get to London by car from Cardiff, on a bad day. And up North even longer. Australia is emphatically really really far away. The distance, the time differences.