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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

550 replies

DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 18:58

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 23:35

Ok just going to be honest here once again i am amazed at the outpouring of grief for longed for grandchildren. I had no idea this was a thing. For sure i knew that many / a majority of people hoped they might get to experience being a GP but i thought that was because babies abmnd small children are adorable but hard work and ppl relished the thought of getting to (sort of) raise small ppl and share in the joy without and of the yuck or insomnia that acconpanies them! But for some posters no grandchildren seems to equal a detached sort of infertility. This is fascinating to me (no sarcasm / disrespect / irony).

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 14/11/2018 23:38

I'd be excited if it was for a year or two and devastated if it was permanent. The likelihood is that neither of us could afford to visit even yearly due to the cost and trying to get the time off work.

DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 23:39

This reply has been deleted

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namechanged0983 · 14/11/2018 23:43

Given what you've said re number of visits that happen normally I'd say her response was an emotional rather than rational one. But that's okay and she's entitled to it.

We all feel more comfortable when loved ones are near even if we don't see th daily

MrsReacher1 · 14/11/2018 23:44

Truthfully - I'd feel as if I had lost him forever. It would break my heart.

We saw my favourite uncle once after he went and we never saw our favourite cousins again. It is too far, too expensive. And yes I'd wish he or she had never met that particular partner but if that is what my child wanted I'd support him/her as best I could. But I am too close to my kids for them to be deceived by a lying smile - they'd know how I felt.

And your judgement of their relationship with him and your surprise that they mind shows how little you really understand.

Good luck with your venture but spare a thought for the parents.

AlexaShutUp · 14/11/2018 23:45

OP, it doesn't matter whether you could find a similar job nearer to home or not. That's irrelevant. You and your DH want to go to Australia and you're excited about it. You don't have to justify it in any way.

It's your life and you should live it as you want to. The choices that you are making will be incredibly difficult for your PIL, but ultimately, they have to respect your decision. That doesn't mean they have to like it, of course.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 14/11/2018 23:47

ilove doesn't half sound like you expected your DB to put his life on hold because you've had a child.

He missed out on my sons birth
Even though we were begging for them to stop at our country so we can see them a bit and show him my baby
wanting him to be an uncle to her child

ILoveHumanity · 14/11/2018 23:48

P.s. Stop sending your brother nudes - that's why his wife hates you x

How amusingly childish. I do hope your trip to Australia would help you grow some empathy AND common sense.

And I also pitty you for sounding like you have no real relationship with your siblings.

I did initially really want to help, but I said all I have and will leave it up to the pp to advise as I’m triggered.

notthiscrapagain · 14/11/2018 23:48

I have a 6 year old DS and I occasionally scare myself imagining this scenario in the future. Of course I would want him to live his own life and be happy but the thought of him so very very far away makes me feel like crying. I think I'd be sad for the rest of my life if that happened tbh, albeit I'd try to make the best of things. It would be like a bereavement.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 23:49

"We all feel more comfortable when loved ones are near even if we don't see th daily"

Another succinct thought. Very true.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 14/11/2018 23:49

But for some posters no grandchildren seems to equal a detached sort of infertility. This is fascinating to me (no sarcasm / disrespect / irony)

Don't be silly. You are starting to come over as rather immature.

MsJudgemental · 14/11/2018 23:51

What’s with the attack on iLove? Confused

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 23:52

Yeah thanks for the pity, I'm going to hold that close to my cold heart whilst simultaneously giving no fucks. Enjoy your trigger. Hmm

OP posts:
ILoveHumanity · 14/11/2018 23:52

spiteful, if you meant stop his life for a 6 hour transit ( per 2 years), then yes I’m proud to admit I was pressuring him to do that so he can see my newborn baby and my DM who paid the price of his ticket because he can’t afford.

Such an inconvenience right!

MrsReacher1 · 14/11/2018 23:53

Haffdonga - I understand exactly what you mean when you explain how you feel about your kids. My DD is some distance away, my DS is with me but that feeling of them both being in my life forever and affecting every decision I make is absolute. Yet they are free - as they should be.

MrsReacher1 · 14/11/2018 23:56

OP - nasty comments to ILoveHumanity - horrible.

You asked about your MiL's feelings as you did not understand them. Others have explained, shared similar feelings about close family and you have sneered. Not nice.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 23:58

@primal I'm being serious that's the way it seems? People have very strong emotions about not having GC. I haven't heard this in real life, but then again i don't have middle aged friends for whom this is more likely to be a topic of conversation

OP posts:
Jocasta2018 · 14/11/2018 23:59

A family friend lived in Australia & developed cancer which quickly became terminal. Her parents, in their late 80s, weren’t well enough to travel. Her brother and sister did their best - both arranging leave at the last minute and flying down to see her. The family Skyped every day.
Unfortunately she went downhill quickly and nobody was able to get there in time - her brother arrived just in time to arrange the repatriation of the body. She died in a hospice with her parents talking to her on the phone.
I guess it can go both ways - a crisis can occur in both the younger and the older generation. I used to live in Europe and for me, that was a comfortable distance - close enough to get back in an emergency.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 15/11/2018 00:05

Ok so the situation witj @ilove is that it seems that her brother doesn't want to see her, possibly because she's so overbearing, but @ilove can't accept that and instead she's blaming her SIL. DBro has no interest in seeing her kid because he's probably a perfectly nice but boring baby and yet @ilove us hysterical with grief over it all (calling and begging? No wonder he's cut her off and will reroute his flight to avoid her).

She doesnt know me but thought she'd just let me know I'm "cold". Well i don't know her but i think she's rude and borderline obsessive over her brother. Hey ho.

OP posts:
notthiscrapagain · 15/11/2018 00:05

Reading through the responses I can see why you're struggling to understand your MIL's feelings and reaction. It's obvious you're a bit of a cold fish tbh. I guess that's how some people are wired though.

BakedBeans47 · 15/11/2018 00:06

Dexy. I don’t know if you were referring to my post but just to clarify I don’t have any expectation of GC. Despite what you would no doubt class as middle aged my children are pre-teens and it’s not something that’s crossed my mind! My post was written from the perspective of someone who didn’t have a great relationship with one set of GP due to distance (other factors too tbf) and I didn’t want it for my own kids and would prefer it not to be the case for my hypothetical GC

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 15/11/2018 00:09

@jocasta that's so sad. I think i wouldn't be brave enough to go without DH at least we will have each other and as things currently stand PIL have each other and parents have each other and BIL has his gf and so on and so forth. If those things change or anyone gets ill there could be difficult choices.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 15/11/2018 00:09

Oh Jocasta that is a heartbreaking story about your family friend! How awful for her poor parents and siblings!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 15/11/2018 00:09

I would be absolutely devastated if one of my DCs moved abroad because I am unable to fly due to a medical condition.

BakedBeans47 · 15/11/2018 00:10

dexy I guess you may feel a bit ‘got at’ by ilove but I think that’s starting to be a wee bit personal.

Good luck to you and your DH I am sure you’ll have a ball. As for his mum I don’t think you really need to understand, just accept that she’s perfectly OK to feel the way she does :)