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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with this dinner lady?

138 replies

KitKatCHA · 13/11/2018 22:06

Pretty sure INBU but making sure. Today my son was a few minutes late getting to the dinner hall as he was finishing up his work with his class teacher. He got to the dinner hall and the dinner lady told him his year group had already gone in then said to him, 'are you stupid'

My son is 8 and had SN, he is incapable of lying and I believe him 100%. I have told the headteacher and have a meeting tomorrow to discuss in further detail. DS is really upset by this, he struggles with feelings of inadequacy due to his additional needs. I want to escalate this is high as possible, what should I be saying to the headteacher tomorrow?

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 13/11/2018 22:08

“ I want to escalate this is high as possible,”

Rather than go in all guns blazing, try to find out from all parties what happened.

Original poster
KitKatCHA · 13/11/2018 22:20

I never said I was going in all guns blazing. But I think calling an 8 year old boy with additional needs stupid is disgusting. He does not lie, ever. So if he said it happened then it happened.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 13/11/2018 22:22

Okayyy

Littlebird88 · 13/11/2018 22:24

calling any child stupid isn't on.
However you need to find out the details.
Not sure what special needs has to do with it.

Littlebird88 · 13/11/2018 22:25

if say you would like to know what was said and why?
I'm.sure she will deny saying it and you will never be able to prove it.

KatieKittens · 13/11/2018 22:27

Yanbu. That is disgusting.

Have a look at the school website so as you in armed with knowledge of the management structure of the school. State that you have serious concerns and want a formal complaint to be recorded and action to be taken.

Haggisfish · 13/11/2018 22:28

I think I would ask that support staff are given extra training in how to talk to students and be told that the word ‘stupid’ is not to be used.

Fridaydreamer · 13/11/2018 22:28

He may not lie but he is human and therefore he could have misheard or got wrong end of the stick. His SN do not make him immune from making mistakes, even if he’s telling the truth as he sees it, so go in and find out what happened first. You can advocate for your child with escalating it as high as possible before you know more.

If she has said it then it needs addressing but at this point you need to find out first.

LettuceP · 13/11/2018 22:28

What do you want? For the dinner lady to lose her job? She shouldn't have called him stupid but you don't know exactly what happened so you need to stop over reacting.

EmbraRocks · 13/11/2018 22:30

So out of nowhere, she says 'are you stupid'?

sevenwallflowers · 13/11/2018 22:31

"I want to escalate this is high as possible"

Sounds like going in all guns blazing to me ...

UnderHerEye · 13/11/2018 22:31

OP I’m the SEN Governor for a Primary school and I would want to know about this. Report to the head and SENCo, and if you don’t feel they resolve the situation then contact the school Governors.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2018 22:34

Find out exactly what was said first and what happened leading up to it.

If it's true, then that's disgusting and there's no excuse for it at all.

He does not lie, ever. So if he said it happened then it happened.

You need to lose that ^^ attitude in general though as he's getting older and there's a first time for everything.

Good luck Thanks

sevenwallflowers · 13/11/2018 22:35

She definitely shouldn't have said that

Bibijayne · 13/11/2018 22:37

@Littlebird88

Some additional needs result in the child being very unlikely to lie, but also being very upset about being told their stupid - autism spectrum disorder comes to mind. In which case OPs point is entirely relevent.

ThunderInMyHeart · 13/11/2018 22:37

I came on to second Worra re the lying. First time for everything

Hezz · 13/11/2018 22:40

If I had a penny for every parent who has told me their DC doesn't lie, doesn't know how to etc I'd not be working as a teacher anymore Wink

RavenWings · 13/11/2018 22:47

Taking the approach of "my child never lies" etc etc won't be helpful. You need to go in and come at it from the angle of "ds was upset due to something that happened at lunch, could you investigate?" and lead the discussion from there.

Littlebird88 · 13/11/2018 22:49

bibijane I was just being simple saying it's wrong to call any child stupid so it doesn't matter if he has additional needs.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 13/11/2018 22:52

I had a similar situation several times in primary school. Im autistic with mild visual impairment and auditory processing disorder among other things. Whenever it would happen I was subjected to a load of verbal abuse by the classroom assistant/dinner lady and I’d tell my mam and she’d never do anything about it because she ‘didn’t have time’ or she ‘didn’t want to make a fuss’ that plus issues with similarly vile teachers and bullying led me to go through school feeling worthless. I self harmed from the age of ten till I was about 19 and I still get the urges now. I had several suicide plans and failsafes and even now my mental health is stable and I know my self worth and have wonderful friends I know how I’d do it still. Going in all guns blazing won’t win you favours with the teacher, but it’ll show your son you have his back and are going to fight his corner which is something I desperately needed and wanted and I imagine your son does to.

VerbeenaBeeks · 13/11/2018 22:53

I'd want to get the facts first and find out what was actually said.
Not saying he's lying, but as you weren't there you don't know exactly what was said or how.
Find out what actually happened first.

IwantaHippopotamusForChristmas · 13/11/2018 22:53

You need to calm down.
You believe your son.

She will deny it.

Then what will you do?

Jupiter13 · 13/11/2018 23:02

I would be angry too, she's probably done the same before..good luck

Miscible · 13/11/2018 23:31

People on here really need to understand that there are SN which do indeed mean that a child is unable to lie. If you have language problems which mean that you are very literal and simply do not have the imaginative powers to make something up, plus a very rigid view of rules, you just can't. It is indeed possible that OP's son made a mistake - though it's quite difficult to work out how - but if she says he cannot lie, I think the starting point has to be that she is right.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2018 23:35

but if she says he cannot lie, I think the starting point has to be that she is right.

I don't agree necessarily.

I've known too many kids with SN who actually couldn't lie. Then they reached an age where they learned how to do it.

Either way I think approaching anything child related with an open mind generally does more good than harm.