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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with this dinner lady?

138 replies

KitKatCHA · 13/11/2018 22:06

Pretty sure INBU but making sure. Today my son was a few minutes late getting to the dinner hall as he was finishing up his work with his class teacher. He got to the dinner hall and the dinner lady told him his year group had already gone in then said to him, 'are you stupid'

My son is 8 and had SN, he is incapable of lying and I believe him 100%. I have told the headteacher and have a meeting tomorrow to discuss in further detail. DS is really upset by this, he struggles with feelings of inadequacy due to his additional needs. I want to escalate this is high as possible, what should I be saying to the headteacher tomorrow?

OP posts:
gerispringer · 14/11/2018 07:19

Maybe there was more to this conversation than meets the eye. Did the child know he was going to be late for dinner? To be honest, with the amount of nonsense headteachers have to deal with on a daily basis this won’t come very high. It may seem very important to the OP but a quiet word to the dinner lady from her line manager should suffice.

StingsandThings · 14/11/2018 07:25

As pp said Dinner ladies can be poorly trained and poorly paid. On top of that they are often in school so rarely (don't get invited to training days etc) they don't get a chance to know the individual children or policies/culture of a school well.

Obviously some are absolutely amazing but in my over-a-decade working in schools, I have met many who might not be very aware of SEN or might not think about the way they are speaking to children in a school context (different to home and family). So yes, I think it could easily be jokiness that missed the mark or someone who hadn't realised how what she says might sound to a child who struggles with being "different" to classmates due to SEN.

I'd go in and talk to head about the fact your son was upset and ask if there is something to be done to help staff who don't regularly come into contact with him understand his needs better.

The head can then make a judgement about whether this should be a quiet word for this member of staff or SEN training for all the dinner ladies or something that affects children other than your son etc

Flowers for Name change and hope your son isn't too upset

SoupDragon · 14/11/2018 07:27

He does not lie, ever. So if he said it happened then it happened.

He is more than capable of misunderstanding though.

lovetherisingsun · 14/11/2018 07:27

I got called stupid by a teacher when I was a child. It didn't help my dad also often called me stupid. I've grown up with feeling like I'm unintelligent. If she did say this, I'd personally be extremely angry, because I remember what that did to my confidence as a child.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 14/11/2018 07:34

A dinner lady calling a child stupid should of course be spoken to, if not disciplined outright by her line manager.

She might have indeed called him stupid. The OP might, however, hear quite a different version when she gets to school.

I have never met a child yet, in 24 years of teaching, unless completely non-verbal, who cannot lie. IME, my best ever liar had SEN and was an absolute master of it. Because he actually believed it himself. Didn't ever make his wild accusations about classmates, teachers and his family true.

anniehm · 14/11/2018 07:37

It is unforgivable to call any child stupid BUT you need to get the full facts, SN doesn't exclude kids from talking back or getting angry, and whilst everyone would like their child to never lie, there's always a first time.

I have experienced really bad support staff and teachers over the years, even a head who told me girls can't be autistic (she announced she was leaving just one month after my formal complaint). Schools make big mistakes with sen kids but always check out what actually happened before escalating to the highest level

BlancheM · 14/11/2018 07:37

My god, these replies.
YANBU it breaks my heart to think of 'stupid' being applied in any context to a child with SN. Unbelievably cruel. Of course you want something bloody doing about it.

Pinkyyy · 14/11/2018 07:37

Eugh. Your attitude will get you nowhere in the meeting, I can guarantee you that. Schools don't take much heed to parents who think their children are perfect little angels who'd never lie

CarrieBlu · 14/11/2018 07:39

^He may not lie but he is human and therefore he could have misheard or got wrong end of the stick. His SN do not make him immune from making mistakes, even if he’s telling the truth as he sees it, so go in and find out what happened first. You can advocate for your child with escalating it as high as possible before you know more.

If she has said it then it needs addressing but at this point you need to find out first.^

this

IceRebel · 14/11/2018 07:42

I'm not saying this didn't happen but it doesn't make sense to me.

Your child was late, and the dinner lady said his class had gone in

I'm not sure where the stupid comment fits in.

Going from telling him his class had gone in to calling him stupid seems like a strange turn of events.

ReadWriteDraw · 14/11/2018 07:45

I’m a teacher and it isn’t up to the parents “to get the full facts”. What is the OP meant to do? Put her Sherlock Holmes cloak on and investigate? Make an appointment with the head and let her know that you have concerns and are upset about this. She will find out what she can and get back to you. There may be a few useless ones out there but most heads are great and will take concerns seriously. Just be friendly but assertive.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 07:46

Schools don't take much heed to parents who think their children are perfect little angels who'd never lie

But OP never said that Hmm

OP, the "find out what happened before going in all guns blazing" is a stock standard, lazy MN cliché trotted out every single time someone has a school grievance.
I'm not surprised you're angry and upset. I'd be completely fucked off if a member of school staff called my SN child stupid. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of this to your satisfaction.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/11/2018 07:48

I think it’s perfectly plausible she said it. But you do need to check. I’m thinking along the lines of
dinner lady: ‘hurry up x your class has gone in’ x: ‘I didn’t know we were supposed to go in’ dinner lady: ‘why, are you stupid? The teacher has just rung the bell’. Having worked in a lot of schools there are people who talk to kids like absolute shit in most of them I’m afraid to say.
My dd was called stupid for picking up the wrong piece of equipment out of a bucket when all the others had been taken.

carr1e1977 · 14/11/2018 07:55

As a mum of a 9 year old autistic child who has never lied I can completely believe that you know your child better than anyone. I would be raging too if anyone called my child stupid as she suffers from low confidence and poor self-esteem. WTF is with everyone saying that he must have misheard?! Presumably she said it right to his face and he can quote verbatim?

Why do the mumsnet brigade always automatically jump on the side of the adult? Confused

Speak to the headteacher and leave it to them to investigate.

2Ollts · 14/11/2018 07:56

Agree 100% with RhiWrites but never go into school all guns blazing. Ever. Measured, professional and, if the issue is not dealt with, be tenacious but never cause drama.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 07:58

All guns blazing is totally getting on my tits now.

OP didn't for one minute suggest she would do this Hmm

magoria · 14/11/2018 08:01

A dinner lady is there to deal with the school meal time.

Find out what happened and if it is as your DS says then yes the dinner lady should be re-educated that she should not be calling any child stupid and should apologise to your child.

Things happen outside of adult or child life. This is. Sometimes unavoidable. That is life not stupidity.

Lazybonita · 14/11/2018 08:02

YANBU. Really surprised by some of the comments you have received. If this was my son I would believe him and I would be angry and I would be going in to the school to complain. Good luck 💐

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2018 08:10

I’m a teacher and it isn’t up to the parents “to get the full facts”. What is the OP meant to do? Put her Sherlock Holmes cloak on and investigate?

I can’t believe a teacher would interpret advice to get all the facts as meaning that the OP should carry out her own investigation.

Pinkyyy · 14/11/2018 08:11

No the OP didn't say she would go in all guns blazing. She did, however say that she was going to escalate this is high as possible. This to me means she would risk losing someone their job over something she cannot be 100% sure happened. She only said she wanted to get the facts when challenged on this.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 08:22

This to me means she would risk losing someone their job
I would take this to mean she'd want the person in question spoken to, and basic training in place so that all staff refrain from calling children stupid.

Also "all guns blazing" suggests storming in shouting and yelling angrily. There was no suggestion of this in the OP

Beaverhausen · 14/11/2018 08:26

YANBU OP as a parent with a child with SEN I totally understand where you come from and would take this further too.

A few misplaced words can have a profound affect on a child and people saying she needs to get all the facts. Of course the dinner lady will lie to protect her own backside. As a parent it is our job to believe what our children tell us, how else are they supposed to trust us in the future to protect them from what life throws at them, especially children with SEN.

Good luck OP hope you get a positive result from this.

Original poster
KitKatCHA · 14/11/2018 08:36

Thanks everyone for your comments, I have an in depth meeting with the Head this morning so will go from there.

OP posts:
TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 08:43

Good luck KitKatCHA

Hope you get this resolved.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/11/2018 08:51

Even if they do lie to cover their arse I would want them to know that I knew and that my child does tell me what happens and I will report it. Hopefully this would make them reconsider their language in future.