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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with this dinner lady?

138 replies

KitKatCHA · 13/11/2018 22:06

Pretty sure INBU but making sure. Today my son was a few minutes late getting to the dinner hall as he was finishing up his work with his class teacher. He got to the dinner hall and the dinner lady told him his year group had already gone in then said to him, 'are you stupid'

My son is 8 and had SN, he is incapable of lying and I believe him 100%. I have told the headteacher and have a meeting tomorrow to discuss in further detail. DS is really upset by this, he struggles with feelings of inadequacy due to his additional needs. I want to escalate this is high as possible, what should I be saying to the headteacher tomorrow?

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 14/11/2018 08:53

I don't know why everyone is desperate to prove that your son is lying or mistaken OP. You know your child, you know the details of his SN, you know better than any of us whether he would be likely or able to lie. I don't really get how he could have misunderstood either - if the woman said "stupid" that's unacceptable regardless of any context.

You just need to go into the meeting with a concerned smile planted to your face, be polite, frame the whole thing as you and the HT working together to resolve the problem. If you get no joy, escalate it as suggested by the SEN governor PP. But make enough of a nuisance of yourself that the headteacher would rather take steps to make sure this doesn't happen again than see you back in her office.

toomuchtooold · 14/11/2018 08:54

Even if they do lie to cover their arse I would want them to know that I knew and that my child does tell me what happens and I will report it. Hopefully this would make them reconsider their language in future.

Yeah that's what I was thinking. Be the squeaky wheel.

Original poster
KitKatCHA · 14/11/2018 12:17

Thankfully the Head was very good this morning. She believed my son without question as she knows him very well. She even said there was no need to corroborate his story with the other children standing nearby as she knows what the dinner lady is like. The dinner lady will have a chance to give her version of events and they will go from there, of course he will deny it. From what I was told this morning though, I am not the only parent to complain about her for similar reasons. The Head is taking the matter to the school governors herself so I believe it will be dealt with.

My son has very low self esteem due to his additional needs and for me this was more about showing him that I will always have his back and he should never think that he's stupid and letting people get away with calling him that, especially those in a position of authority.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

OP posts:
TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 12:53

I'm so pleased you have had this outcome. The dinner lady's language was completely unacceptable.

My DD has special needs, no self esteem and this would have devastated her.

ReverseTheFerret · 14/11/2018 13:03

Sounds like the school are dealing with it OP - it's natural to be absolutely pissed off when they come home from school saying something's happened and you're stuck a bit in limbo till the next day to try to get the school to investigate what's gone on, and it's perfectly normal to want to vent about it while you're waiting on that and MN jump on people far too rapidly at times.

I had to do it last year when DD2 came home telling me a dinner lady had made her go to the back of the line "because you'll only knock things over" - I was blooming hopping (DD2 has dyspraxia) and I'd emailed school to ask them to find out exactly what HAD gone on but I had to pretty much sit on my hands until the following day. Turned out it had gone on similarly to what DD2 had said (there was a slight misunderstanding which is natural enough but what had been reported was what had been said) but the dinner lady in question was absolutely mortified at some careless use of language upsetting DD2 and that she'd inadvertently made the connection between things being knocked over and a child with coordination difficulties. It's never happened again - I just wanted to make sure that the staff were aware of how comments like that were going to affect a child with DD2's difficulties so that it DIDN'T happen again which is why I raised it. Dinner lady in question is basically a good hearted person, a bit "old school" in her manner at times, but does genuinely like and want to do best by the kids and the mistake happened, was learnt from and hasn't happened again - which is the end goal of all of this really.

Maldives2006 · 14/11/2018 13:20

Seriously my son is dyslexic with adhd (inattentive) which and already has poor self esteem because he knows he struggles at stuff. He internalises, is very aware of his difficulties, likes to please the adults at school and spends much of his time thinking he’s stupid. For an adult at school to say it too him would have devastated his already fragile self esteem.

Maldives2006 · 14/11/2018 13:22

How do you know?

AfterSchoolWorry · 14/11/2018 13:23

Good. I hope she gets the sack. Horrible person.

2Ollts · 14/11/2018 13:33

Well done OP.

And well done for not listening to the posters on here who can see no fault in someone working for a school and calling a vulnerable child stupid.

Hopefully the dinner lady gets dealt with robustly.

everseTheFerret Whilst most dinner ladies are brilliant there are some who shouldn't be around children. Yours sounds completely uneducated and so unkind.

2Ollts · 14/11/2018 13:34

everseTheFerret she did learn from her mistake, that's good I suppose.

ReverseTheFerret · 14/11/2018 13:37

She learnt from it and was absolutely mortified she might have upset a child - which is all I really wanted to achieve from it, so the next kid who comes through with the same kind of coordination problems gets a smoother ride through things (and they will). They're a decent bunch by and large doing a pretty crappy job.

BlancheM · 14/11/2018 13:49

So pleased to read your update, Kit
You did right by your DS and I think having a mum in his corner always, will have more bearing on his self esteem than one ignorant woman Thanks

wrenika · 14/11/2018 14:19

My parents were both teachers and they'd have been rich if they got a penny for every time a parent claimed their child didn't lie.
I'd go in respectfully and ask what happened and take it from there. Honestly, you will get nowhere going in all guns blazing. You'll just be 'that mum' the teachers all talk about.

Lizzie48 · 14/11/2018 14:36

How about reading the update, @wrenika this isn't about being 'that parent'. Some children really don't lie, because of being on the spectrum.

Some teachers on here just jump in with that threat on MN. I don't particularly care what teachers call me in the staff room, I generally have bigger things to worry about.

Lizzie48 · 14/11/2018 14:36

And in this case, the headteacher is in their corner. Grin

toomuchtooold · 14/11/2018 14:37

Wrenikathe thread's moved on, the headteacher believes the boy as the dinner lady has made similar comments.

I don't think there was the slightest suggestion in the OP that the OP was going to go in "all guns blazing". She wanted a bit of backup and to know how to escalate the complaint if necessary, it's not like she was inviting us all to egg her on to in and put one on the headteacher's nose Confused

Midnightsand · 14/11/2018 14:41

Well done op. You have also helped other children that will be in the hands of this nasty person. Hopefully the school will let her go.

Lizzie48 · 14/11/2018 14:44

Calling a child with SEN and low self esteem stupid is downright horrible thing to do.

2Ollts · 14/11/2018 14:57

They're a decent bunch by and large doing a pretty crappy job. Not to be antagonistic but why is dinner lady a crappy job? Confused

smithsally884 · 14/11/2018 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

2Ollts · 14/11/2018 15:00

smithsally884 Biscuit

ReverseTheFerret · 14/11/2018 17:36

They're a decent bunch by and large doing a pretty crappy job. Not to be antagonistic but why is dinner lady a crappy job?

Not for the reasons you're trying to point score over... but the nature of a very short period of paid work right in the middle of the day, given the kids to cope with without the training and back up that the teaching staff have, having far too much to do in the time they're actually paid for in terms of setting out and cleaning up the hall and having to work around the classes going in and out using the place for PE and the like.

Oh you wanted me to go on a rant about it just being an inferior job?! Sorry - I happen to think they get a fairly shitty deal in terms of employment conditions-wise which isn't what you wanted in point scoring was it?!

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2018 17:40

The headteacher sounds seriously unprofessional, sharing her personal opinion about a member of staff with a parent and saying she has no intention of hearing evidence from other children standing nearby.

I would hate to work for someone so flaky.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 14/11/2018 17:42

Why is she bringing it up with the governors?

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 14/11/2018 18:20

What an odd sequence of events.

What do the governors have to do with it? Why on earth would a HT do that? And the fact she has acted so unprofessionally and telling the OP all sorts of confidential information suggests she hasn't a clue how to run her school properly.

Unless she's said she's handing it over to the governors to wash her own. Hopefully the governors will be more professional and do things by the book than the HT.