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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

999 replies

Passive1 · 12/11/2018 00:49

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money. Blush

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Passive1 · 12/11/2018 08:23

I’m so upset. I’m trying not to cry before I do the school run.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 12/11/2018 08:23

So the reason he can’t put his hand in his pocket is because he thinks you’re a shit parent? Angry

This from a man who won’t cook or clean up after himself?

Honestly, after I’d finished laughing, I’d him to get to fuck...

brookshelley · 12/11/2018 08:23

Instead of saying to him' we need to have a talk'.. I'd just sit down and have a talk with him. Say 'I've worked out what I think is fair for you to contribute, I think you should pay 'x' amount, do you think that's fair?

Agree with this. You're raising an issue but not putting down any clear action point for him. You need to put it forward properly and let him respond. If he has a bad reaction once the numbers are in front of him, then you know where you stand.

Notnowok · 12/11/2018 08:24

God sorry for typos

thighofrelief · 12/11/2018 08:24

I can transfer money online, is this another thing that the marines has left him ill equipped for? If he doesn't give you it today - out of pride - then he is very determined not to.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2018 08:24

He's made it easy for you, just cut the thread loose now.

PurpleWithRed · 12/11/2018 08:24

OOPS just read his text.

Dump him. If he cant support your parenting style then there is nothing but trouble ahead. Ever watched the Sound of Music?

PainUni · 12/11/2018 08:25

Gosh he sounds awful. I think you know what you need to do OP.

brookshelley · 12/11/2018 08:25

passive1 I've just seen your update! What a horrible comment from him! True colours shown. Lucky escape for you and your child.

DeeStopia · 12/11/2018 08:25

What a horrible bastard he is. Even if he felt like this, was this a reason not to contribute to your joint costs? No. He's making shitty excuses.

trojanpony · 12/11/2018 08:27

Ps FlowersFlowersFlowers sorry if that sounded flippant.
I know it much be upset but I was trying to convey the idiocy of his “rationale”

Presumably you are now supposed to apologise, promise to “change” and make your child scarce/be a tougher disciplinarian so he can enjoy a “peaceful” home life AngryAngryAngry

Long term it’s so much better this happens now rather than 2-3 years down the line

RangeRider · 12/11/2018 08:28

Now it's become apparent that you want me to behave like a reasonable grown up, I'm going to throw a tantrum and blame it on a small child
If nothing else it shows he can't cope with being accused of being wrong. And refusing to address the issue when you've brought it up several times and are making it clear it's an issue - he either doesn't want to pay his way or he might but won't accept that he's in the wrong for not sorting it out. Either isn't good.
One thing I would say though - look at how you're treating his son re what Mummy's Boy said. It may have a grain of truth in it. Often when people lash out they use something that has been niggling them rather than creating something from thin air. It doesn't excuse him bringing it up, but when the dust settles it may be worth considering if you are a bit inconsistent with your son. (Though as he's only 5 it's not such a big deal)

Chocolatecake12 · 12/11/2018 08:29

I just wanted to add my story so you have it for comparison.
I’ve been with my dp for 2 years now however we don’t live together. He probably stays on average twice a week and eats dinner with us 5 days out of 7. There is me and my two children.
He will buy us all lunch if we’re out together and most of the time will pay when we go out to dinner. He’ll often pay for things like museum entrance or cinema tickets. Not always but often.
When supermarket shopping I pay most of the time but there’s also times when he will pay. This weekend for example he paid and the shop was mostly household stuff - dishwasher tablets, washing power etc. He’s very generous. We’ve talked about moving in together and I know he’ll contribute.
Maybe the difference is that he’s lived alone. Good luck op.

eggncress · 12/11/2018 08:30

Be strong OP ... he’s just confirmed your suspicions. Flowers

RangeRider · 12/11/2018 08:31

Don't cry - you've done nothing wrong. You've been an adult, he's having a tantrum because you've called him on it. If he's worth having a relationship with then he needs to change, if not then you're better off available for when the right one comes along.

FermatsTheorem · 12/11/2018 08:31

Passive1 Flowers I'm not surprised you're upset. But you're upset for the nice man he pretended to be, not the selfish fucker he turned out to be. Once you start to get over the initial shock and hurt, you will realise you've dodged a bullet. As PP said, better now than 2-3 years down the line.

thighofrelief · 12/11/2018 08:31

OP this is him, not you and not your child.

Well done on recognising it quickly, he's only cocklodged for 2 months and some / most of us SMs have encountered this creature at least once.

You could have had another baby and been 10 years down the line. Goodbye CF CL.

HeronLanyon · 12/11/2018 08:32

Passive1 just a thought. Texting about difficult things when angry/frustrated never goes well !! You are both going through massive adjustments and he hasn’t been open and communicative about them. Don’t you both need to step back a bit and sit down for a big chat ? I say this assuming you both love each other. I am NOT saying he’s behaved well. I totally think you need to have eyes open and protect yourself and child. It just seems a bit much to say LTB when the two of you haven’t talked these things through. Yes he’s avoided talking but that’s not in itself unexpected. Yes his text was crap to suddenly criticise you parenting. But good god which one of us hasn’t behaved badly before behaving well if we love someone ??
Think it’s worth a proper talk through with him. If he refuses put him on the back burner or off the job altogether.

Ragwort · 12/11/2018 08:33

Before you met this man you were presumably living a happy, confident, financially secure life with your DS. Now look at what’s changed, you are trying not to cry over some cocklodger who is being deliberately cruel and unkind to you. Please, for your own self esteem, ditch him now. You’ve got nothing to lose and so much to gain.

HeronLanyon · 12/11/2018 08:33

Hob not job but he sounds hard work at the moment !

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/11/2018 08:33

Tell him you having a child doesn't mean you should be feeding any other big child too, i.e. him - text back about how you food bill went uo, how dishonorable he is and how his mum should be embarassased of him.

He clearly hasn't minded your son and your parenting up till now when he's been living with you.

Shoxfordian · 12/11/2018 08:34

He's basically been having a nice easy ride and now you're asking him to step up, he's found an excuse not to. At least you know who he is now.

MessyBun247 · 12/11/2018 08:34

Bleurgh what a dickhead he is. Lesson learnt, move on.

RLOU30 · 12/11/2018 08:34

OP fuck him and his bullshit. You sound a independent woman you have your child, your work, you pay your way and do all of these things by yourself. How dare he talk about your child and they way you raise him just to get himself out of a sitution because I guarantee that’s all it is. If seeing the way you handle your child affects him so much, why the fuck does he freeload at yours every single night. See you later mate!!!

Hadenoughofallthis · 12/11/2018 08:34

You could reply, "are you saying that the reason you haven't been paying your way in my home is because you think my son is spoilt?"