... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

The problem with him handing over money to the sum total of his board and lodging is that you then have all the food money...to do the food shopping. Whereas surely in a normal live in relationship both partners do the shopping etc?

First of all, think about whether you want to actually live together. Or have his as a boyfriend who spends most nights at yours.

I presume it suits you to do that as it covers your childcare issue: you could hardly spend as much time at his. In his defence , over the rent at least, he might point this out. He doesn’t need to pay half an expensive rent, and you could be spending time at his Mum’s.

Have a conversation about ‘are we actually living together’ and dine actual mechanisms for splitting the outlay. The food and fuel seem to be the areas that have most increased and represent his consumption. Does he increase utility bills a lot?

As a visiting boyfriend who pays rent to his Mum and keeps stuff there, I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to chip in for rent and bills. As a living together partner, I would. Either way good and fuel need paying for.

What is he bringing to the team?

Penis.

OP already asked him what he meant by "team". His answer was "I'm going for a shower."

Well done for being prepared to bring it up, but I have to say that the morning rush probably wasn't the best time to do it.
His response wasn't encouraging but he also had a handy excuse to duck out of the conversation by "needing to get in the shower" (paid for by you, by the way!)

passive1 🙌 for confronting him.
I note still no money forthcoming though
you should make sure back date it too IMO.

Unfortunately, his response to this is the same consistent message he’s been giving all along.

Interesting you call out the lack of practical suggestions.
I suspect you already do and will be doing a lot of the “practical things” in this relationship.

This is the honeymoon phase he should be excited and actively discussing what your future will like like (after all, you’re a team )

You are clearly a smart woman - as fun/nice/attractive as this guy may be he is going to be a crap life partner

This has taken a horrible unexpected turn.

He just text me this:

The barrier is you have a small child who you let walk all over you. And I’ve spent so much time recently watching you shout at him then two seconds later giving him treats. I don’t have any say in it obviously- I’m not a parent. But it is a huge factor. And maybe not one I’m currently prepared for. I thought I was, but now I’m not sure. If we are to move in together there would be 3 of us. Not just two like most people are accustomed to the first time they move in with someone. The problem is you expect me to seamlessly adopt this new life- because obviously you had to. But it’s difficult for me.

Yes he should definitely pay rent. If he's moved in you're living as a family and it's not fair if one person in the family pays for everyone and the other warning adult just keeps all his money for himself.

I'd research what a room in a shared house is in your area and he pays half of this as he is sharing a room, plus bills.

You need to be up front and just say I was thinking of x amount and here's how I've worked it out - do you want to set up a standing order, here's my bank details. If you leave it you'll just be so pissed off it will affect the relationship anyway.

And if he is living with you, he is no longer a guest and therefore doesn't get treated as a guest any longer - he does half the housework and shopping and cooking and does his own washing like everyone else.

Much better to have this discussion now rather than explaining in a few months why you're dumping him

'OP already asked him what he meant by "team". His answer was "I'm going for a shower." '

'Not in my shower I'm afraid, it's not a charity washing cubicle....fuck off'

Warning adult should be earning adult!

Classic deflection.

That's horrible text to receive, OP. However, if I may translate for you, what he's actually saying is "I'm a selfish fucker and expect to come first in the relationship. Now it's become apparent that you want me to behave like a reasonable grown up, I'm going to throw a tantrum and blame it on a small child."

The only answer is "Relationship over, please collect your stuff as soon as possible. If not collected by the weekend, it will go in bin-bags in the front garden."

He feels backed into a corner now as you've asked him about 'moving in together' when he has zero intention to make it official. You've made things difficult for him now and he'll be resentful. The cock lodging suited him fine. He wants NO responsibility. He wants to live out of the back of your kindness.

No longevity in this relationship

What an absolutely Twat. He's shown his true colours now; he expects to come first. Manchild. Sadly, he won't change.

Oh god OP, please just break up with him by text and don’t see him again unless to exchange belongings. There are SO MANY red flags here that even if he sorted out money stuff now he definitely has to go.

The way he’s turning his wrong-doing around on you and trying to make you feel bad about having a son(?!) is classic beginnings of EA I’m afraid. If you stay together it’ll get worse and worse. And if you break up it’s a way for him to spin it that HE really broke up with YOU.

You are doing so well on your own. You don’t NEED him. You can get someone so much better, who will enrich your life, not complicate it, and love your son rather than seeing him as a burden.

It is not safe for your son to have someone who sees him as a burden living with you.

Strength, OP - you can do this 💐

This is totally wrong, so he said that he agrees, so ask him to set up today a DD to your account for £X amount to help cover food, bills. If it does not happen by the end of the week, then he no longer comes to you, and you meet outside or you go your separate ways, as this will just build up resentment with you. He needs to take responsibility, he sounds like a right cocklodger as they say.

That text is awful. He's using your son as his get out of jail free card.

He has absolutely no intention of making any official contributions to your bills or rent and probably never did.

He's been riding along as an alternative to living at his mums and enjoying a free and easy time. For you and your sons sake you need to tell him today to leave, get your keys back or change the locks.

Carry on dating him if you feel you need to but as you've now found out he's a slippery eel you may see him in a different light.

So you ask about contributing and he replies criticising your parenting skills.

Rightio.

He's kicking back because he knows you are in the right.

That's horrible text to receive, OP. However, if I may translate for you, what he's actually saying is "I'm a selfish fucker and expect to come first in the relationship. Now it's become apparent that you want me to behave like a reasonable grown up, I'm going to throw a tantrum and blame it on a small child."

The only answer is "Relationship over, please collect your stuff as soon as possible. If not collected by the weekend, it will go in bin-bags in the front garden."

Yes, this ^ by Fermats

OP ffs! Is your child a monster or an ordinary sometimes annoying sometimes awesome 5 year old.

The problem is the money and he wants to sponge off you both. I think you should text back - i understand your point, do you think you could transfer that £80 you said you would give me back cos i have to get a new tyre today and really skint. We'll have another chat soon, love you.

“Mum, 8 years in the marines, mum, me.“

As wife to someone a bit like this I’m afraid he is going to need training up from scratch. On my sample of one army = great at doing as told, rubbish at knowing what needs doing. Army team = someone in charge, team carrying out orders.

You could argue he is now out in the world and should know better. But clearly he doesnt. So tell him the new deal and emphasise that this is how it works out there in the civilian world. Deal must include division of responsibilities as well as money though - do you really want a partner who does nothing around the house but put money in the bank while you skivvy round him because he doesnt do it well enough? What is this, 1950? (And if he’s ex army he will be brilliant at ironing, planning and organising and stuff like that).

Up to you to decide if he’s worth it or not.

Oh just read your recent post. Right that's it, he is not ready to be a responsible adult, so you end it by text. Just say yes you are right, sorry this won't work. Good luck to you, draw a line under it. He is not happy because you have asked him to contribute. He wanted a substitute mummy who will pay to keep him,

Wow. He clearly didn't have a problem with your parenting when you were doing his laundry and subbing his lifestyle - only when you brought up a fair contribution!

So he's clumsily deflecting the problem back on you and making it about your parenting.

Whatever he thinks about the dynamic with your son, that is a separate issue. And not one that should have prevented him putting his hand into his pocket.

He should have been a grown up and addressed this earlier if it was a problem. Like you said, he's had PLENTY of time to think about the financial side of things, and come up with a solution.

Sorry, OP. Looks like he's not ready to grow up yet.

He’s now made it easy for you, just reply ‘you are quite right, this relationship isn’t good for any of us. Your bags are packed & ouside the front door. Goodbye’.

OP I really feel for you but his nasty text is a sidestep to avoid the issue of his greed he is now blaming you because you've caught him out.
At least now you know how spiteful he is actually bringing you ds in for some insults means there is no too going back. Put his stuff on the doorstep and tell him if it gets knocked rough.
Then you be spoil yourself and your ds while you recover. It's a learning curve. Men see single mothers as vulnerable I'm afraid.I had it done to me but like you 2 months was enough and out he was kicked.
You've worked hard and made a good life for yourself that very much makes you a winner. He has to live with his mum again he is the looser and don't forget that!

I saw someone for a few years, very tight. On my birthday and his birthday I paid for both birthday meals, (he was on more money than me). I own my house, he was renting. Icing on the cake was when his ex took him to the CSA and he ended up having to pay lots more maintenance.
He then suggested that it would be a great idea to move in with me, although he'd have a contract written up regarding rights to my house.
He managed to gamble every week. I dumped him. Being tight with money is not an attractive trait ! He knows your situation, he should be offering this, not you having to keep bringing the convo up!
Take a step back. Is this what you really want ? Having to ask all the time ???