... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Classic abusive tactic, the A in DARVO - attack. OP you have done NOTHING wrong. You ROCK. He is just not the man for you.

End the relationship, grieve and move on but don't doubt your own awesomeness 😎

How horrible for you op . So sorry you are upset. He has taken advantage of your good nature and competence I'm afraid. He probably arrogantly thought himself so marvellous that his presence was enough and he didn't need to contribute financially as well. Arse.

Hold your head up high and don't let him know you care so much. Send him a reply saying words to the effect of "message received tight-arse" ie one that makes it clear you know that money is the issue and not your son (perhaps not those exact words!!)

Get him to collect his stuff, give back his key, and congratulate yourself on getting rid of a sponger and a taker who has been very disrespectful to you. You know your son deserves a better role model. You and he were thriving before you met this excuse for a bloke, and you will do so again.

Just read your update op and was not expecting that, really feel for you now. The minute you ask him to contribute financially to the relationship you have found out precisely where you stand in the relationship. He has been using you and it was going nowhere. Sorry it has taken you so long to uncover this, but you are a strong independent woman so please do not shed any tears for this worthless, horrible man who has now shown his true colours. I am glad you have seen the light with the help of posters on here, you deserve so much better.

He's right - he's not your son's parent - but he's not YOUR child either, so you have no responsibility to feed, clothe or run around after him. If he want s to be treated as an adult he has to behave like one and pay his way.

Parenting your son is an ENTIRELY different thing from taking financial responsibility for himself. He is trying to muddy the waters here - and he has succeeded because he has upset you.

Of course you are upset and weeping - the man you thought loved you and you could trust with your heart has turned out to be a self-centred greedy manipulative prick.

The one good thing, as others have said - you've learned this comparatively early in your relationship, before he is well-established in your home, and before you have a child together.

I'm aching for you - but it is a blessing in disguise. (Also - Ask for you £80 back- and the money for the boxing. I doubt you'll get it, but it lets him know that he's a prick)

@dadshere Ever thought of reading a full thread before replying? Often helps.

Text back:

What exactly do my parenting skills have to do with you paying your way? Or are you suggesting that you won't pull your weight financially until I become the kind of parent that meets your standards?

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Money can be such a touchy subject. I remember at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband of 14 years that whenever he came over to see me (I worked in Sainsbury's) at the end of my shift we would get something for dinner and it would always be me that paid. He has a job where he earns over £50K a year and I had my Sainsbury's wage and lived on my own and I would always pay as like you say you can be at the till and they don't offer and just stand there oblivious so I would always get my card out. Like you say would be nice to take turns at least. I must say he isn't tight ,but I don't think it enters some men's heads to think oh she's always paying I'd better get it this time. And it's so embarrassing especially in a fairly new relationship to say would you mind paying this time. As your fella lived with you virtually too right he should be contributing properly. I hope he has a change of heart after that text and realise what he would miss. Take care. You sound like a very strong woman and mother. X

It's pretty obvious he has no intention of tipping up OP. It's more likely he'll get in touch later like nothing has happened and expect you to be grateful, not mention money again. Or he'll end it and find someone else to latch onto.

I'm sorry man. Don't let him distract you from the issue at hand if you don't want to end it and have the energy to train the fucker. Bring money up again.

And I second Stairingcoat, but do message him - message received tightarse! because he is one.

I would go back with something like

"All I'm expecting you to do is pay your way. This has nothing to do with my parenting style, which strangely you have never mentioned previously. Clearly, you don't want to pay your way and would rather sponge off a single mother. This is not a tenable situation. FTFO". Or similar.

This guy is a user and not a great example for your child. Get rid.

Don’t text ! Talk !

Honestly, there is no point in continuing this argument with this git. It will just bring more hurtful accusations. End it politely, get rid of his stuff, block and move on.

Of course. It's suddenly all your little boy's fault.

Had I managed to post earlier before your updates, I would have put good money on him raising this as a 'wiggle out' clause. There's a script for cheaters floating about on MN. We really should create one for feckless, cocklodging twats, 'cause they're just as easy to anticipate.

for you. Please get rid. He's no good, OP. You and your son deserve so much better.

She's tried talking, Heron. He refuses to engage. Texting is all this cocklodger deserves.

In 15 years time your DS will be an one man eating machine. You could be saving your money for future food bills!

If he resents your child, that's it, game over - whether or not he was paying his way.
What this has to do with him putting his hand in his pocket I don't know anyway. Unless it's a pathetic attempt at some sort of emotional blackmail - as in, you parent the way I demand and then I'll pay you.
I'm sorry it's come to this but it's not really surprising because his whole micky taking money attitude was already evidence enough of his selfishness.
You won't be any worse off for giving him his marching orders and think of it like this …. now you'll be free to take advantage of any opportunities to meet a truly decent man when you feel ready to. And as you'll no longer be buying his food, or paying for extra petrol, you should in fact feel better off and can put that money to far better use!

But it’s difficult for me.

Ah, so he does expect you to pay for everything, cover all the bills, pay for food, and doing all the chores, lend him money that he uses to buy you a meal out... all for the pleasure of his company.

And now he is complaining that you have priorities other than him. Good you have found him out.

I am so sorry but I need to post.
I have seen this before, men jealous of little ones. The alpha male will look to kick the young pup in the den, especially of it is not his. It starts like this, "your child is walking all over you"; "I care about you" "it upsets me to see him behaving like this to you", "he is spoilt".

You get to a stage where you are treading on eggshells, not doing things for your some in case it upsets him.

Someone close to me had an extreme case, where by the "boyfriend" had the some by the neck after a minor disagreement and ruined a family get together celebrating a success of the son.

Please get rid of him. This is raising so many red flags. He is not a man you want your son to be near.

It goes without saying that he should pay his way.

My concern now would be his attitude towards parenting. He doesn't approve of how you parent your child. I bet his next edict will be "if I move in and pay 'your rent' that 'i will start to discipline your child because deep down I resent your child, and resent paying for him, and resent paying my way' and his attitude will be that because he's 'being made to pay to bankroll you' that he will get to control you and your son.

I'd run away........very quickly. I have a feeling he's not just a selfish free loader but also a controlling bully.

It's not worth it to get over the finances only to find he feels entitled to control your relationship with your son, or worse hurt your son with harsh disciline.

*discipline

Oh, goodness.

So it sounds as if your prompting about shared costs has focussed in his mind as to whether he is ready to live together / live as a family.

It IS a big thing moving straight into a family.

He should have sat down and talked to you calmly and honestly, NOT started with a criticism of your parenting, and by text.

Only you, OP, knowing your relationship and him, can know if this is worth another conversation.

Before I was a parent I had a relationship with a guy who had a 5 year old and it was very, very hard. I don’t think I could have gone live-in with him. But looking back now over my own 5 year olds I realise how unrealistic and unempathetic I was.

And that is before I start on the money thing.
You are being taken for a ride. Get rid.

Saying that assuming they actually love each other. He’s misbehaved. He hasn’t communicated. Both are adjusting to huge change. I just don’t agree with LTB being said when they haven’t even talked things through. If I loved someone who suddenly said my parenting was a worry re being together I’d be angry but if I loved them I’d want to talk about it before chucking him out for God’s sake. He’s behaved badly yes. Said something hurtful yes. Haven’t we all sometime or other before sorting it out apologising etc.

Just wow OP!

Well, now you know how much he respects you - sitting there hoovering up your generosity like a giant cuckoo while resenting your child. Please be relieved that this ugly boil has come to a head before he moved in 100% and turned your lives into misery.