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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

999 replies

Passive1 · 12/11/2018 00:49

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 12/11/2018 07:51

He's a user. Sorry OP, you deserve better

ferrier · 12/11/2018 07:53

And now your update!
Itemised list. "You pay that or suggest a reasonable alternative - if not it's back to two nights a week ... or the end"
To be honest, I can't see the relationship getting past this if he refuses to contribute unleas theirs some massive backstory like debt or paying all his money to his mum.

PS. Yes, his cleaning and tidying should be absolutely top notch.

Dragongirl10 · 12/11/2018 07:54

Op l am so sorry but he is clearly using you, and it won't get better until he grows up. Don't back down.

twiglet · 12/11/2018 07:55

I'm going to go against the grain and say he may not know how much to offer so is waiting for you to take the lead as reality you know your rent, bills etc.

Factor in he has been in the military with subsidised living costs of lower rent, council tax, food often just go up and get rather than shopping (depending on if he had shared accommodation or his own) he honestly may not know!

As another poster said just sit down and say I was thinking of x amount which breaks down as x y Z.

Holidayshopping · 12/11/2018 07:55

He is using you as a total cash cow-that is very unattractive!

I bet if he comes up with an offer, it won’t be a good one.

Do you rent or own?

eggncress · 12/11/2018 07:56

I think he knows exactly what he’s going, despite having spent his adult life so far in the forces where everything is paid for and done for him.

I think this because you have mentioned it so many times and he’s ignored you basically.
Now he’s gaslighted you by telling you “ we’re a team” when clearly his behaviour doesn’t reflect that.

He’s using you to save money and he’s thereby stealing money you could spend on yourself or your child.

It’s a huge red flag and it would turn me right off him.

Stop trying to be nice. He isn’t, for sure! He’s doubled your food bill and uses your car for free

RyderWhiteSwan · 12/11/2018 07:57

He sounds very odd, OP. "We're a team" hmmm no. He's a cocklodger, you're his life facilitator and bankroller.

RandomMess · 12/11/2018 07:57

After his words this morning I think he is a cocklodger

You pay fir all the boring stuff do all the boring wifework and he swans in and out as he chooses!

category12 · 12/11/2018 07:58

A "team" where you do all the work and pay all the bills . It's a case of him reckoning you're doing the three-legged race togather, when actually he's the sack in the sack-race. You're worse off with him than without him.

If you're determined to keep going with him, you need to sort out not only the money, but a fair contribution from him towards the housework. Don't decide you like things done your way so it's better if he doesn't - you will come to resent it. And having dc together would be a massive mistake unless all of this is thoroughly sorted and there's no backsliding.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/11/2018 07:58

Honestly OP I think you’re right, it’s the end of the relationship.

He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. If you really were a team then he would.

I’d move on. Grieve for the end of the relationship but learn from it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/11/2018 07:59

Don't have him move in OP, it's far too soon. He can stay at his mums or get his own place and learn to live independently for a while like you have these past five years. Look at moving in together again in the next couple of years.

ichifanny · 12/11/2018 07:59

Also I’d assume you had to put him on your car insurance . if not stop letting him use your car .

Ragwort · 12/11/2018 08:00

I think PP are being a bit soft saying he’s military & won’t understand about paying bills etc. Getting into the Marines is not easy, he will be an intelligent man with a brain, it’s not as if he’s a boy soldier who went in at 15 straight from army cadets. He’s clearly worked out how to get an easy life.

MarthasGinYard · 12/11/2018 08:02

'Team'

One of life's takers more like

He needs to contribute and stop treating him like some kind of God.

What a turn off dodging the bills.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/11/2018 08:03

Yep, complete cocklodger. Bag up his stuff and leave it on the doorstep for him.

Sorry OP but good you found out now. There are decent men out there, he's just not one of them.

MarthasGinYard · 12/11/2018 08:03

And he can't live off the back of the 'Marines' thing

He ain't one now

DocusDiplo · 12/11/2018 08:04

Sad for you OP. Tell him to leave. Honestly, you must have worked incresibly hard over the last 5 years, silly man.

safetyfreak · 12/11/2018 08:05

On Mumnet this species of man would be called a cocklodger and you have got one living with you.

End it. You have tried talking to him and he is still being tight fisted. He is a user and being manipulative.

I wouldn't even be letting him come and stay for two nights, his behaviour to you trying sort this out is awful.

MsJolly · 12/11/2018 08:05

KeysHairbandNotepad · 12/11/2018 08:05

Well done op , you spoke well when you confronted him.

I read your thread when I was up with the baby last night and agree with pps. Your boyfriend is taking the absolute piss.

Good luck with everything.

Ariclock · 12/11/2018 08:05

He's taking you for a mug op. Well done for standing your ground, I really don't think he has any intention of paying and will quickly move on once he realises that you're serious about him contributing.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 12/11/2018 08:05

Lots of red flags here. Borrowing 80 from you (and your child), then spending 80 on a meal for you and him - means he spent your money on the meal (half of which he ate!). So no he didn’t treat you.

He’s a greedy one. He’s good to you because you are paying for him, washing for him abd cleaning up after him. If he’s ex marine I’m guessing he had to be good at cleaning tidying and ironing etc. Now he can’t be arsed as it’s for you to do. As is the bill paying.

He is telling you exactly what he is like. You are not a team! You pay for and do everything. What does he do? Spends all his cash and then spends your money! Listen carefully to what he is or isn’t saying.

Inaminuteplease · 12/11/2018 08:06

If he's living there full time and earning a full time wage he should be paying half of the rent, bills and food. He doesn't sound like a bad guy maybe he's just waiting for you to suggest a figure, wether you think he should have suggested a figure first or not is not the main issue here so don't let yourself get sidetracked by that, he's agreed with what you've said so just go from there.

Instead of saying to him' we need to have a talk'.. I'd just sit down and have a talk with him. Say 'I've worked out what I think is fair for you to contribute, I think you should pay 'x' amount, do you think that's fair?

In regards to the housework if you want him to do more then just ask, he sounds like he would happily do it if asked. You said you're quite particular about your flat so maybe he doesn't want to step on your toes... if however you ask him to take over responsibility for certain household chores and he says no then that is unreasonable IMO.

FermatsTheorem · 12/11/2018 08:07

Well done, OP, for standing your ground. Sadly sounds like you got yourself a grad A cock-lodger, but the good news is you realised, and found the strength to stand up to him. Don't let him weasel his way back in.

brownjumper · 12/11/2018 08:07

Ask him what does being a team mean? What is he bringing to the team?

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