... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

He clearly thought you were minted OP!

Has he moved / slithered into living with you subtly ? Is this really what you want ? Making it a proper arrangement ? Has he not pushed it on you bu his taking the mick behaviour.
I would not divide things. Tell him you need your space for you and your child and slow it down to 1 to 2 nights a week max them see how things pan out. He has forced your hand to allow him to live there plus 1000 a month is a fair split. Like what does a 5 yr old eat !!

P45 time for him in this one sided user relationship. That was a low blow and totally uncalled for comment about your son. Designed to make you question your parenting. The very parenting that you have done on your own perfectly well for 5 years. And will continue to do into the future. He is not welcome in your future or at your home.
He is a rude, spiteful, narcissist fuckwit of the highest order. Good ridence to him.

Just read what happened. Well rid of that user / abuser. Best of luck OP

@Bigonesmallone3 because you're saying you 'wouldn't fret too much' when the OP's boyfriend won't pay anything towards her £2000 a month rent and bill costs.

Lucky escape indeed. Well done for ending it. I hope he returns your keys and collects his stuff soon.

I mean this kindly, OP, but when all this has blown over, I suggest you think about working on your assertiveness skills. It should never have got to this point. He is to blame for his actions but you tolerated them for too long.

Please don't sleepwalk into a situation whereby a boyfriend has moved in with you without a conscious joint decision and an open conversation about how finances and household tasks will be divided. This is especially important given that you have your son to consider.

When’s he normally get back from work? Is there going to be a showdown after you’ve put your son to bed?

@Antigon maybe it was in reference to princessofwakiki’s comment ”I'd LTB over those fuggly jeans!” which made me laugh inappropriately loudly in the gym changing room

Passive1 you sound awesome and like you visit dandelyon and rumpus room as much as me you have your shit together. He sounds like a massive jerk face.

@fearfultrill
She had been with him 2 months she survived before she would survive after! He was an expense, ur comment made no sense

Good luck with evacuating the cocklodger op.

@Bigonesmallone3 sorry but boyfriends aren't expenses they pay their own way. They aren't children

I really don't like the way he's holding your sons arm in that photo.
You are stunning, you've got a great job and your life together.
You've done the right thing.
Hopefully he will go quietly.

Wow he's a sick. You're well shot OP. It's not that he doesn't understand, he simply doesn't want to have an equal relationship! Yes wouldn't it be lovely to be subsidised forever...waste of space.

@fearfultrill
I know they aren't bloody meant to be that's my point!
As in don't lose sleep over it tell him he needs to chip in and if he's unwilling give him the boot

Please tell me this wasn't taken on Sunday?? A true serviceman who is proud to have served would not rock up to Remembrance looking like he was meeting a mate for a beer!!!!

I think that he is probably stupidly naive and has never had to pay real costs of living. I could forgive him for that, but he doesn't seem capable of a sensible discussion and he doesn't seem like he'd co parent with you very well if the relationship progressed. He may turn out ok one day, but you sound well ahead of him in terms of maturity and life experience. It doesn't help that it was a text arguement, it is harder to forget what was said in the heat of the moment if it's down in black and white.

ferrier - I have no idea why you are taking this man’s side just because he was in the marines. Whst on earth are you on about.
I have been ill today and following this thread. I just outlined the scenario to DH and he laughed. He was in the marines. I know loads of people who were and no, it is most certainly not an excuse to take advantage of a single mum! It’s not an excuse for anything whatsoever. Do you think they are all dense? Of course adults know you have to pay for food and bills. I used to work with men coming out of prison and even they could grasp that much.

OP - do ask MN to take your photo down. This is the type of story a tabloid might pick up.

Exactly what Random said ^^

He wouldn't walk into a store and be "astonished" that they wanted him to pay for whatever he was taking. His insistence that they already had a lot of money to do with as these pleased wouldn't go down too well and the police would be called.

He knows full well that he's had an easy ride. No one is that dense.

ferrier is on the thread by the lady with diabetes (who only eats a piece of toast and some strawberries each day) that she should support her moaning husband on his diet as OP is already used to eating very little every day 🙄

@trojanpony

@Antigon maybe it was in reference to princessofwakiki’s comment ”I'd LTB over those fuggly jeans!” which made me laugh inappropriately loudly in the gym changing room blush

That was funny - and hardly venomous!

OP: please take the pic down. Anyone who knows you will know your little boy, he is discussed on this thread, your ex’s opinion of him etc

Personally the Marine thing is a red herring, anyone with half a brain can work it out, even if he hadn't there is NO excuse for reacting the way he did. He's a twat. Look after yourself and your DS, focus on that.

Has he been back tonight OP?