... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Passive I have daughters not any sons

@ferrier

I don't think he deserved the level of venom directed at him from some quarters.

Can you give us some examples of the venom?

So relieved that you have got his stuff ready for him to collect - TBH, I'd leave it outside the door with a note to put your keys through the letterbox (you'd be best changing the locks anyway).

Be prepared for him to bring out every weapon in his emotional arsenal, from threats to tears, because he will try them all, if not today, or tomorrow, then soon . . .

. . . . you might even find flowers appearing on your doorstep. Stand firm.

You are stunningly attractive, you're intelligent, and you have worked to have a good standard of living - you don't need a man like him. You deserve more and you will get it.

(Love your ear-rings BTW)

I'd bag up his stuff so it's ready. Don't let him in, either. I'd actually change the lock barrels. And don't delete that text where he took a swipe at a 5-year-old. Keep that. To remind you. Get some assertiveness training and do read some financial self-help books so you're no longer so passive about money.

I thought he was holding an umbrella too - it was only when I read the other comments and looked back . . .

Maybe she did, and got much the same response.

People do change and they do see the error of their ways and they do learn and grow. I know my exDH is a much better partner to his current GF. Good for him.

That absolutely doesn't mean I should have taken him back on the off-chance. Change takes time and, you know, change.

This one needs to live alone for a while and have a think before he finds another person to share his life with. And his mum needs to chuck some massive chicks out of the nest. None of which is the OP's fault or responsibility.

Just think how much more disposable cash you will have each month, now you aren't paying for an extra adult to live at your home

Honestly op the text he sent about your son made my blood run cold and my throat constrict that is exactly the style my very abusive ex takes as soon as he is confronted about anything- deflects with an insult, rambles and gas lights. Please please don't get sucked back in.

Of course he knew exactly what was going on. His attempts to get you to STFU were obvious at the start of this thread ('I agree. I said I agree'... and then not doing anything in the hope that you have in fact Shut the fuck up.

He knew what he was doing. He then went on the attack (about your parenting) then the denial (I spent loads on you) then the pacify, and is now in the deflection zone (what about you spending tons on a new handbag? Subtext - 'you should be spending that on me - I'm the one with the penis')

OP he is following the Script. The next stage is aggression and anger. Please use your door chain and change the locks. You may think you know him, but you thought he was a 'nice guy' a day or so ago!

And I’m sorry but that the fuck is he doing bitching about what you spend your money on, when he’s knowingly sponging off you?

So you’re fine to pay his bills and feed him but not to buy yourself a handbag.

Ah haha. Fuck off.

OP I would ask for your photo to be taken down. It's very identifiable if someone you know sees it and as you've posted whilst at work I wouldn't want this to backfire on you.

All of his ignorance and behaviour could possibly be forgiven and worked on except for the comments about your parenting and your son. He has absolutely no insight or nurturing emotions to come out with comments like he has. That alone is enough to end the relationship. Thankfully you sound like a wonderful mum who has worked very hard to achieve what you have and hopefully you and your son can lick your wounds and move on together.

Good luck x

Thing is this person was fine with living with op and how she behaved right up to the point she wanted him to behave like an adult and pay his fair share, then all of a sudden he lashed out at her parenting and doesn’t think he know whether he can take on a child.

He’s a cad

My uncle and my cousin (both were lifelong serving officers) have told me that any person leaving the force is reminded that things cost money on civvy street. Another relative (retd SAS) confirmed it.

I don't care how elite the Marines are. They bloody know.

passive you're gorgeous , you can do better than him.
He probably homed in on you thinking you’re a desperate single mum.
Lots of nice guys it there. He’s not one of them.

Op, I don't understand how he can criticise your parenting the way he did as way of excusing why he is there every day and doesn't pay his way, then say he wants a family etc.

It was a low blow. I understand your position becayse I agree it's not something recoverable from.

I also don't understand those justifying his reticence to pay. You clearly state you have raised it three times and he's blanked it off, before this mornings attack. He eats your food, has you wash his clothes, uses your electricity and water, sleeps in your bed, uses your toiletries and expects you to pay for him.

My husband is ex navy. His cousin Raf, a close friend army, and not one of these men would behave as yours has in terms of taking advantage financially and then going on thr attack.

...leaving the Forces... apols

I don't care how elite the Marines are. They bloody know

I can confirm that, they all know. So he's lying also. Because he does know.

When you raised it the first time he should have simply said, agree, what's the total costs each month and let's work out a split. Not simply we are team shite whilst avoiding the subject. Apparently being a team means you pay for the privalage of having him there.

Of course, he wants to reconcile. He knows he has a cushty setup. He has someone to cook, clean, do his laundry and fuck him. No wonder he's feeling sick. It's costing him nothing.
Now he faces going home and living with his mum and sister full time, and chances are unless mum is a fool, he will be doing all his own cooking etc.

And if these army/navy/whatever people are so delusional that they don't realise that things cost money, then there is something seriously fucked up with the armed services. Surely when on leave and even on base they still have to buy toiletries and stuff? Well at least the ones around the corner from me seem to realise how the local Tesco works, they pop in a lot.

The Royal Marines are a branch of the Navy. They are widely considered to be the most elite of the fighting forces in the UK, if not the world. Don't underestimate what it took to qualify.
Fuck that. Don't underestimate what it takes to be a 100% lone parent who works full time and is totally self sufficient.
You know it and I know it OP. You are so much more kickass than this loser!

Well done OP for getting rid.

Less than a year with him and he has a key to your home, driving your car and trying to make you feel guikty about what you spend your money on, now talking down to you.

He would have no doubt moved onto further abuse and i have no doubt that he will be calling ‘apologising’ and begging for another chance once he realises he failed to break you down with pure nastiness, probably tell you that you pushed his buttons, made him angry.

There is no coming back from what he said about your son and about your parenting.

Why would he want to be with someone he thinks is a poor parent?
Why would he say that about a five yr old? Very telling of his true character.

Abuser. Manipulater.
Change the locks!!

I’m stunned he has the front to question what you are spending your money on.

What exactly is he saying - is it if you didn’t buy those shoes and handbags you would be able to support me or is it you haven’t seemed short of cash all this time

Sounds like a lucky escape .

What a CF

We are a team = Worship the Penis