... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Thigh not an umbrella

Hang on a sec.

He's allowed to fuck up as long as he recognises it, surely?
He's saying out right that he doesn't appreciate how much utilities etc cost. So tell him.

Surely people can fuck up, realise they have fucked up and make amends?

Is he really not allowed to make amends?

Have you told him not to come round tonight? Is he likely to get out early and be waiting indoors for you?

OP, you have to block this guy on everything. He is a user and he has most probably already replaced you with another well-intentioned, single mother whose house he can doss at for free.

@Passive1
HI OP
I just wanted to say that you're 100% doing the right thing.

It's so disappointing when these guys (and girls) see no problem in sponging off their supposed partner.

As if showers, food, council tax, rent and utilities cost nothing.

What particularly galls me is this guy is sponging off a single parent with a small child, while he is pocketing a 35k salary and contributes feck all.

And then has the cheek to feel affronted. Unbelievable!

No decent man that I know would do that.

Tell him to fuck off.

@ThatOneHurt He has gone far beyond being unaware/ignorant of what utilities cost to being downright manipulative and overstepped a number of major lines in the sand. He is only now backpeddling furiously because his bullying and gaslighting did not work and his empty threat to flounce off backfired.

Well well...this man has certainly revealed his true colours today hasn’t he? You are presenting him with a perfectly reasonable request and his response is to go straight for the jugular and attack your status as a parent, your parenting and your son.
Cruel, cheap, low, selfish, manipulative and nasty.

Please please don’t allow him to talk you round later tonight. Remember what he said about your son at the first sign of trouble. You’ve woken up, stay woke. Xx

Also OP, how do you know he was in the Marines? could he have been lying?

He’s not even all that. You look far hotter than him!

@Passive1

He’s saying he didn’t mean it. Apparently he wants a proper relationship, commitment, family etc.

Of course he does, as long as he doesn't pay for it! He's shown who he is and you can't unknow what he has shown you of himself.

Picking up a few small bits from Tesco on his way home is not a weekly shop. A grown, intelligent man would know that while living with you he is using your soap, toilet roll, cleaning products, washing items, you are using electricity to wash towels, his clothes etc.

One of my favourite lines in a film comes from Trading Places when Jamie Lee Curtis's character tells Dan Ackroyd's Louis Winthorpe III (something like) "Food cost money, bills cost money, rent costs money". Seems like a lesson he does not want to learn.

OP, you've dodge the bullet

Small hands, skinny jeans with turn ups and a very weird way of holding your wee boy’s hand.

@Passive1 Wow you are gorgeous! And you’ve absolutely done the right thing

No one is entitled to second chances or making amends. The OP owes this person nothing. He considers her son a barrier and a spoilt brat. Anyone who doesn't consider that a dealbreaker has no business being a parent.

“He is only now backpeddling furiously because his bullying and gaslighting did not work and his empty threat to flounce off backfired.”

Absolutely. Couldn’t agree more. He thought he’d put you in your place with insults, guilt-tripping and threats. Now that hasn’t worked he’s got nowhere to go. It’s a desperate scrabble to keep his foot in your door. He’ll say anything now.

But you bare in mind...his first port of call was to swipe at your son.

You’ve made the right decision. Look at how he holds your DS arm, you are beautiful and can do so much better! (And hold your DS in a less militant way!)

We expects you to still want a relationship with him, after his tirade of abuse and insults. Yes you are gorgeous and worth so much more.

The comment about my son was the nail in the coffin.

If he comes tonight he can collect his things, they’re ready.

@Digggers this time, I went for more than looks, and look how that turned out

Sounds like you just got yourself a chancer, someone who’s chancing a free ride. I bet he’s a right charmer...

Back off and tell him he needs to go home

Shopping bill from £30 to £70per week

I bet his mums laughing to as it’s saving everyone a small fortune- apart from you

He has just realised he never had it so good, and never will again.

You bet he.misses living in clover...

Well done super mum...

Why was he holding the arm rather than the hand? That's the first thing I noticed about the picture - I see Digggers has noticed the same thing.

@ivykaty44

Wouldn’t you mention it to your son, as a single mum yourself? I know I will in the future after experiencing this

The arm holding is weird but in his defence, my son was saying his hands were cold so he didn’t have much choice

I’m sorry this has turned out the way it has - op take care of yourself and realise that this is his issues with money and how he conducts himself - not yours.

I'd LTB over those fuggly jeans!