... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Oh wow teach me to rtft. The relationship was over when he criticised your parenting and called your Son a 'barrier'. Sorry op

Sad for him, positive for you - you now have stronger boundaries and will spot this a mile off if anyone else tries it.
Silver linings eh!

You have all cheered me up no end.
I actually feel positive, I’m picking myself up and brushing it off before I end up really hurt.

Yes, he has his own keys, but I have a chain latch so I’m not in any danger, and I’m confident he isn’t at all like that (but I know someone will say that I can’t be sure!)

Good luck tonight (assuming he does pop round) ... fingers crossed for you it all works out. Keep us updated ... I've been following this thread all day !

wow OP you're gorgeous Lady....

Just a correction.

The Royal Marines are a branch of the Navy. They are widely considered to be the most elite of the fighting forces in the UK, if not the world. Don't underestimate what it took to qualify.

www.royalnavy.mod.uk/our-organisation/the-fighting-arms/royal-marines

What a giant tool. I can't believe he had the gall to justify not paying his way because you use YOUR money to buy yourself the odd handbag.

You can and will do so much better than this. He is not the one. He proved that today. Onwards and upwards, chin up.

I'm glad you're feeling more positive, maybe write down a list of reasons not to get back with him, if he comes round tonight, it will be to talk you into giving him another chance. Halfway through, if you feel yourself weakening, read your list (to yourself).

He’s saying he didn’t mean it. Apparently he wants a proper relationship, commitment, family etc.

No - what he wants is for his nice cushy little number to continue

Very well done on your decision, OP

Questioning how you spend your money is a massive red flag. It’s none of his business and completely separate from the fact he should be contributing towards his own financial upkeep.

Just because you can buy yourself a LV handbag doesn’t mean you should then buy him a steak for dinner and pay all is household bills.

Seriously don’t look back at this man, otherwise I can predict you will be justifying every penny of your own expenditure and worrying about buying yourself essentials in case it pisses him off. Next he’ll be moaning about you spending money on feeding your own dc.

He’s not your problem.

He doesn't like your son, Passive! He has to be trained like a dog. He's immature and irresponsible. He hasn't even lived on his own before.

But the MASSIVE one is that he has issues with your child. I can't believe how many people overlooked this and bang on about how this is a relationship worth saving.

I'm glad it's helped you posting here, but you're clearly strong and independent and you already knew that something was wrong in this relationship. Whatever you decide to do from here on in, he is not going to be able to take advantage of you and that is the important thing. I do think it's about time that guys realised that we are not all so desperate for male company that we will put up with any old crap! You clearly work hard to give you and your son a good life so any man who is with you should be helping you build that life together. A proper team!

I don’t know where your soon-to-be-ex works OP, but I’m wondering if he said something about the situation to his colleagues and they jumped on him from on high.... or whether the women in the office are MNers.

Sorry @ferrier, I didn’t mean be so petulant there, letting my emotions take over.

I don’t underestimate his commitment to the forces, I’m his biggest fan in that respect. I’d often stay awake until 4am just listening to his stories.

You just know he’s going to be one of those idiots who is now going to go into complete heartbroken mode now and sobbing his heart out down the phone about how it’s all one big mistake and you’re the love of his life.

You know how I know this? Because he’s a classic abuser that’s been caught out. He never for one second thought you would break up with him and now is in that mode whereby he has to regain some control in all of this.

I’d get rid of his stuff, block and delete. He’s an abuser of the highest order.

Ps. The Mondrian is beautiful! I stayed in a peasant (normal room) but it’s still one of the best ever hotels I’ve stayed in.

Please don't soften and backtrack. This is a bell-end of a man who has been aggressive towards you and criticised you in a really derogatory way. NO man on earth is worth that. I guarantee you'll regret it at some point if you continue with him.

I don’t care if he was in the SAflippingS. He’s an arsewipe.

You’re stunning OP, it’s not this twit or nothing.

Is that you in the photo OP, you're stunning. And your ex is holding the umbrella rather phallically (sp?) - just saying

He's not in the forces now. He's out. Life moves on. He sounds like my teenagers except I don't enable and mollycoddle them the way his mother has because I don't want to end up like her with two adults still living at home but obviously only paying token digs or they'd have an idea how much things actually cost.

And again, I knew I never wanted to take on someone's child or be a step parent, so I did not date men with children when I was single and childfree at all. It's easy to do. 'Oh, you've got a child. That's lovely but I'm not interested in a relationship with a person who has children so we'll need to part ways. Bye' and then you move on.

He finds your son a barrier. That should be a total dealbreaker.

@BlueNeighbourhood I'm with you on this. Most likely ping pong between "I can't live without you" and "You ruined my life and it's all your fault"

It won't ever be his fault though. Not genuinely. Might say it as a ploy to get OP back.

I've been through this same old shit so many times...

And sorry @Passive1 - my comments weren't directed at you. Just there's been a lot of negativity directed at ex military personnel on this thread and not a lot of understanding of the issues that can arise when they leave. There are charities devoted to their welfare so it's not an unknown issue.

I do think your ex needed to be told the reality of household bills and paying for nice things not being equivalent to paying the bills etc.etc. I do think he needed to pay a fair share. I don't think he deserved the level of venom directed at him from some quarters.

What this has revealed about his attitude to your son and your parenting cannot be rowed back from.

@thighofrelief look again. That’s my baby’s arm

Beware of attempts to manipulate you into taking him back.
Ultimately he has issues with your son which he’s managed to hide until today.

He resents your son and your son knows it.

Don't let him sweet-talk you into forgetting this.