... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

I honestly think he'll have no idea about your costs. If by any chance you are a spreadsheet kind of girl and can show him -or give a (copy of a) years worth of bills and let him work it out I think he'll be shocked and if he is a good bloke presumably he'd be pretty embarrassed too. Your choice obviously and he has handled this whole thing shockingly.

Anyway you'll be doing him a favor in the long term cos he needs to know what things cost.

@littlebillie there’s over 700 posts on this thread did you not even want to read the OP’s?!

You sound fab, Passive1.

Some people, men and women, do just feel entitled to sit back and enjoy the ride when someone else is materially secure and generous with it, but you are sassy and savvy enough to want an equal, respectful and mutually rewarding relationship. Hold out for that.

I think writing it all down, sitting down and having 'the talk' is the first step. Maybe he is embarrassed to say an amount.

I can understand why he didn't feel that he should contribute a set amount if he isn't officially living with you. However he should have just said that he would rather go back to staying one or two nights a week rather than being so difficult about it and criticising your parenting.

At least you can say you support our troops OP

TBH he got angry quite quickly over text, do you feel safe having him over tonight?

@thighofrelief Brilliant.

Sorry, I’m really conscious that I’m boring you all here but I don’t want to ghost.

@thighofrelief

@Passive1

boring threads dont get 750+ replies
we are here for you :)

I would say all the talk about your parenting and 'not being ready to move in' etc is all smoke and mirrors. He was trying to dodge talking about money and he became really angry when you text exchanges got down to the nitty gritty.

He simply can't admit he is a cocklodger now it has been pointed out to him. He will now try and backpeddle like mad but he's shown his true colours which is a good thing. Might feel very painful but you see how deluded he is about the situation with no attempt to take on board your views.

Good luck

He makes a fuss about you buying things for yourself? So he notices that, and somehow thinks it's OK to even have an opinion about what you spend your money on? Money that you earn?

And unless he has the intellect of an amoeba, he somehow can't also notice that his dinner plate is magically full of food that he doesn't pay for, he has a car to use that costs him nothing, he doesn't ever buy washing machine tablets...? Nothing odd about that at all?

Doesn't he watch (your) TV? Does the news bypass him totally? Cost of living, the Budget...doesn't any of that give him a clue that these things don't come for free?

I don't buy his bullshit. He's gaslighting you and manipulating you. What you spend your money on is completely independent of the fact that he's not paying his way. You have every right to spend what you want on yourself and if, by having to support him, you have less to spend on yourself than before, then that's just cause to complain.

And then on top of that, criticising your parenting...

Don't look back OP. Narrow escape there.

@OliviaStabler

He’s saying he didn’t mean it. Apparently he wants a proper relationship, commitment, family etc.

Good luck to his future girlfriend

I'd be very worried about having him over tonight - does he have a key?

No he has no idea, that is fine, but his reaction to you asking a reasonable request is a huge red flags. Have you dumped him yet! If he turns up just tell him to go, if he gets nasty, call the Police. You don't want that around your ds. His behaviour has gone to the point of no return, unless you want to be embroiled in a cycle of abuse which I suspect where this is going to if you stay with Ben.

If he does stay. He's going to resent handing money over, cause every time you buy something for yourself, he's gonna think that's my money there.

Well rid op

Him, not Ben, I was shouting at my son to turn the tap off as I was typing .

@WatchThisThread

I wish someone would ask him this. It will do him so many favours one day. We go through a bottle of body wash a week, one day it’s empty, the next day it’s full. He doesn’t realise someone had to replace it, and it wasn’t him

Are you definitely done OP? And does he have a key to your home?

Well not with you I hope op!

Love the makeover, Passive

@Passive1 feel free to cut and paste

@Guiltypleasures001

YES!!! Imagine if we stayed together, the next time we went out for dinner and I paid he’d say he paid because he gave me the money. He honestly has no concept and if he did pay it would only be to pacify me and not because he believes it’s the right thing to do.

There’s no way forward. It’s very sad.